Worst Sex I Ever Had (2952 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <slowSC2.at.Hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-05-18 04:45:07 EDT
The Worst Sex I Ever Had.
My second, and last, one night stand. And for good reason.
Now, I'm 21 at the time. My friend is turning 30 and invites a bunch of friends to a bar to celebrate. I get there and am having trouble staying interested in anyone there. They're all older than me. I'm bored as all hell.
Then I saw this girl, who's playing some sort of board game by herself. I go up to her and I'm like "Hey! Teach me to play." So, she does and we get to talking and drinking.
Then dancing. This girl is utterly insane. She dances like a pyschotic person and starts biting my neck on the dance floor. Then, she kisses me and it's the worst ever. She effectively tried to my eat my face.
Now, I'm really patient with her. Besides, she's 33 and I'm 21. You know what that means:
Bragging rights.
I couldn't pass this up.
By the end of night she's a good deal wasted but I'm copetent enough to drive home. Now, through a series of ideas regarding driving safely and the like, she ends up at my place. But, I drove her car. The suggestions were all hers, by the way. I spoke as little as possible.
Ok, she's at my place, drunk. We all know what's going to happen.
Now, because she is an utterly insane idiot (you'll find out more why later), she's asking all these questions about me, my family and just random stuff. I simply want her to shut up and am encouraging her to drink more.
Finally, we're in my room and I am doing my best to get things going. She, however is being a major roadblock. If I had known what the hell would happen, I would have never approached her at the bar.
When it finally does get serious, it goes like this. She warns me that she gets wet. Whatever, I didn't care. I should have listened.
So, I finger her and her vagina convulses. I mean literally convulses. Her walls wrap around me. It's a serious of pulsating, spastic muscular contortions. I've lost count of how many girls I've fingered. None of them were like this.
After a bit of this, my hand feels a little wet. I look down. These sheets are soaked. I mean litterally soaked. I had no idea the body was capable of retaining this much water.
She goes to get some water. I go to get some towels.
Now, earlier she asked me what it's like to have sex with a girl who can only have one orgasm. "Uhh..." is my reply. Apparently, this one is a multiple-orgasmer.
So, she gets on top. (The towels are underneath me but not doing any good.) She's is going absolutely crazy. Screaming, shouting, moaning and I'm assuming having 80 billion orgams. Now, all the while, this stream of warmth is flowing down my pelvis. She goes to get more water.
Now, her vagina is doing all those weird acrobatics performances as before. And in short, it's f***ing painful. It is not comfortable at all. It is not good sex. She was up there for a while. Probably until she got tired. I don't rememebr. It was some inane hour in the morning.
I used a beach towel on the bed. And I'm not kidding when I say that the entire thing was soaking wet. A beach towel was soaking wet in it's entirety. Her juices went past the towel and down to the sheets.
Good times.
After the worst sex I ever had, I need to get back to my car that I had parked on the street. She wouldn't drive me to my car because she was too tired. I was arguing with her and shouting at her for what must have been half an hour. Finally she consented. But, before she did, she said a little prayer. It went something like this:
Dear Jesus,
Please give me the strength to get up. I know you don't like when I have sex with strange men but I know you love me anyway and for that I thank you.
And with that, she drove me to my car. I kissed on the forehead goodbye and thankfully have not had to think of her since.
User Reviews
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-05-18 18:20:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i'd hit it... in the tub.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-05-18 15:15:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Worst post I've ever read. Not really, but it sucked.
Submitted by Daeron <daeron1151.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-05-18 12:06:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-05-18 11:12:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I think you got peed on.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-05-18 11:10:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Female ejaculation is fuckin' disgusting. It's looks like when they empty a whale on a deck.
I know from experience.
+2 for compassion.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-18 10:25:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I agree with the pissing comment. I bet she was peeing on you.
Submitted by euripidestrousers (user info) at 2004-05-18 08:08:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by pooper (user info) at 2004-05-18 08:05:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
She was probably pissing herself. All that drink and water has to go somewhere.
Well done, she pissed on your bed, on you, and probably all over your kitchen floor when she was getting that glass of water.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-05-18 05:57:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-05-18 05:38:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
you sound like a fucking psycho
a very sound diagnosis hairy. i hadn't quite worked out what it was about this post that i liked, but that's exactly it - he DOES sound like a psycho
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-05-18 05:56:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like it wet.
Really wet.
You get her number?
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-05-18 05:38:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you sound like a fucking psycho
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-05-18 05:32:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1. First clue: 'playing a boardgame by herself'?
Stupid ass
Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2004-05-18 05:20:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
disgusting...
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-05-18 05:09:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds good to me.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-05-18 05:03:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so absurd it deserves a plus 2
Submitted by OnBehalfOfTuesday (user info) at 2004-05-18 04:53:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/33305
Yeah.