No, WOMEN ROCK!!! (1322 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.9 on 50 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by itchy <Mritchytoyou.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-05-18 10:41:56 EDT
This is a lame-assed attempt to counter Belle's MEN ROCK post. ReallyBored backed out so someone had to defend the gender. Sorry if it sucks.
Darling! I am so glad you are home. I can't tell you how much I've missed you. Come, sit. Tell me about the exciting events that happened today. I couldn't be more interested.
Your secretary told you something that you think might have been a passive-aggressive attack on you? Fascinating. I hate her.
One of your clients did something stupid, funny, rude or just generally wacky? Wow. Stuff like that never happens to me. In fact, nothing ever happens to me, that is why I am so, so, so interested in everything you have to tell me.
That, and the fact that you are just the most captivating person in the world. Have I told you that today? No? Well, let me tell you, when we first met, obviously I noticed how insanely beautiful you were (but back then you were just too skinny, I am SO glad you've chosen to put on some weight - it helps keep us warm on those nights when you want to snuggle even though it is approximately 150 degrees ferinheit under the covers), but as soon as you opened your mouth I was head-over-heels. Each word that poured out of those luscious, luscious lips was an insight into the most complex human being on the planet.
I knew from the moment we met that you had a good deal to teach me. It still makes me hang my head in shame to think of the way I acted when we met. I am so glad you took me on as a project. I really wasn't happy being the way I was. Thank God you came along to fix me.
I realize now how backward thinking I was. I know now that it is erroneous think that things have to "make sense." I mean, who ever heard of things making sense. Logic is . . . what? Logic is just stupid. We are much better off being guided by our feelings. Well, I mean, YOUR feelings. My feelings are wrong, I know that now.
Can you imagine I once thought that it was acceptable to do things that, as a man, I am hormonally inclined to do, like look at other women or be competetive with other guys? I know, I know. Its crazy. But don't get me wrong. Your hormonal actions are fine. I love and respect them. I just wish I wasn't such a dirty, dirty animal.
But let's not dwell on that ugliness.
I've prepared dinner for you. It is still cooking, so I hope you don't mind if I've taken the liberty of drawing you a warm bath. I've also put on the Kenny G album you like so much. And lit some scented candles. Oh, and thrown in a few rose petals and exotic oils.
Now, I know I should not presume to do anything for you. I know. You can do it for yourself. You've told me that. It is just that sometimes it seems like when you tell me that you don't want me to do anything for you, well, I get the feeling that you really DO want me to do something for you.
If I've misjudged, I apologize. I will clean up the freaking mess I've made of your bathroom. I know you can't relax in a house that is this filthy. I'm sorry. I will go clean it up immediately!
(upon returning from cleaning the mess in the bathroom)
Honey? I just wanted to say that I'm sorry again for presuming to do something for you. I know it was a mistake. Would you like a foot rub?
Good. I am glad. It makes me happy to be able to do things for you. What? Oh, I'm sorry. I mentioned my feelings again. Silly me. Those are irrelevant. What? Oh, of course, I'm sorry, those are irrelevant UNLESS you ask me about them, or no . . . they are irrelevant until about 2 and a half seconds BEFORE you ask about them, because if you have to ask, then I'm not "opening up." Got it.
Dearest? Do you remember back when something like me giving you a foot rub would be a lead in for sex? I know. It IS funny. When I'd start with your feet, then move up, massaging your calves, then going even further up your legs (but not into the Forbidden Lands just yet) before we would kiss passionately? Those were good times. Oh, but I wouldn't think about trying things like that now. What? Oh, right. I wouldn't think about trying things like that now, unless you wanted me to (which I know, because I am a freaking mind reader). Of course, that whole foot-rub leading to sex thing was during the same era as the whole "you-remember-what-a-blowjob-is" thing, which we both know is LONG gone.
Hmmm? No, of course I don't miss them. I've thought about it, and you are right. It really is dirty and disgusting.
I know this is probably not the right thing to do honey. But now that your feet are all relaxed, I thought I might show you something I bought you.
I bought you shoes. Diamond encrusted chocolate shoes. The best part is, you can eat all the chocolate parts, and they magically reappear overnight. Oh, and if you smell something that doesn't smell like dinner, that's probably the seven dozen flowers I bought you. You know, just because.
Yes, they were sort of expensive, but I just sold my golf clubs and every other material possession that might have had any value for me, anything that might have given me a sense of pride in ownership, or a reason to live. Of course I realize that I should have sold them long ago. No. You are right, I should have never bought those "toys". Silly me.
Well, I am glad you like the shoes. It makes me happy that you are happy.
Now, get over here.
You know what I'm going to do now? You don't do you? You're a little intimidated that I've become so forceful. Well, let me show you what I have in mind.
First I'm going to pull you close to me. Let you feel how strong my arms are. Then I'm going to take my large, powerful hands and ever so delicately cup your chin and cheek, drawing your face upward so that you can see the fiery passion in my eyes.
You are a deer, and I am the headlights. You are caught. Immobilized. My eyes hold yours, as I slowly unbutton your blouse. You can feel my heart pounding where we touch, and you notice my breathing growing more agitated. Your beauty has inflamed me and I have lost any sense of civility. I am a beast. You are my prey.
Oh, wait. I'm sorry. You aren't in the mood? Oh, okay. Its just that sometimes, you know, you want me to, like, TAKE you . . . but not now. Okay. Got it. Again, I'm a mind reader. Should have known that.
Hey, I guess dinner is almost ready. Why don't you run and put on those sweatpants that are way too big for you and a giant tee shirt, so that there is no possible way I can admire your body. Then you can tell me more about the exciting, exciting things you did at work today as I wash the dishes and clean up. After that, I will get to work fixing the sink in the downstairs bathroom. If you would like, you could supervise and tell me how to do it. You know I always value your thoughts on home-improvement projects. Your knowledge of carpentry, plumbing and electrical work is truly impressive, so I like to get your little "pointers," and I never get tired of you asking me why I'm doing things a certain way.
What? How was my day? Oh, you know, same ol', same ol'. But I want to hear about YOU. Come on precious, let's eat.
User Reviews
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-02 10:10:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-21 03:33:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by otrullo2g (user info) at 2004-05-19 01:59:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Painful, sorry.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-05-19 01:56:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Justice.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-05-19 01:45:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hy fucking sterical, seriously
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-05-18 20:22:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking incredible, and better than the post that spawned it.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2004-05-18 20:09:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-05-18 16:53:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W!!!
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-05-18 15:59:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So true it stings.
Now, tell me more about those shoes...
Submitted by Luckystar (user info) at 2004-05-18 15:47:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA I'm ashamed, I feel like I'm letting down the whole female race by loving this post
Submitted by ktcschick (user info) at 2004-05-18 15:35:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehehee.... so funny. Perhaps you should have added in.... "Oh no, you go ahead dear. Finish my sentence any way YOU see fit... I'm sure your version is infinitely better than MINE!"
Sigh, do that to my hubby about once a day... dammit. And yet, he still loves me! amazing...
excellent post.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-05-18 15:25:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Diamond encrusted chocolate shoes?
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-05-18 14:23:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Indeed they do.
Submitted by euripidestrousers (user info) at 2004-05-18 13:54:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2004-05-18 13:16:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have another, you earned it.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-05-18 12:46:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You're married, aren't you.....
This is funny shit, but sad at the same time.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-05-18 12:36:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy McMoly.
Submitted by squidwod <fish.at.bikinibottom.co.uk> at 2004-05-18 12:21:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I breed spider monkeys and wondered if you were wanting to buy one. If so call Peru on 01483 222516
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2004-05-18 12:15:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Amen Spike. Kind of gets to what you wrote about yesterday. Because, while a lot of this is based on real experience, I still have the most kick-assest wife in the world.
Of course, what I should have put in right after the "bath incident" was:
What's wrong? Oh, nothing. I see. Honey, could it be that when you say that "nothing" is wrong, you really mean that "something" is wrong?
And yeah, I'm loving me some Phil right about now. But other than Phil, thanks for the positive comments.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-05-18 12:12:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Spike is just saying that because she is in luuuuuuurve.
Submitted by digsy (user info) at 2004-05-18 12:12:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Up the Brits!
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-05-18 12:07:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Itchy, I love you.
Of course, like every woman out there, I'm sitting here thinking, "no way do any real women act this way!"
Thanks to all of the men of the world for putting up with our antics. Just remember that when I watch inordinate amounts of Stars Wars DVD selections and try to understand your fascination with the WWF, it's not because I actually like those things, but because I like *you*. I trust you put up with my shit for the same reason.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-05-18 12:00:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another +2, coz of that Phil bloke down there.
This should be B@W, as should the other.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-05-18 11:57:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by Rixes (user info) at 2004-05-18 11:55:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I demand more cowbell.
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2004-05-18 11:47:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ohhhhh so true...
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-05-18 11:42:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is one of the funniest things i have ever read.
If this doesn't go boredatword then I am not Tom.
Wait.
You are American right? English people don't get on BAW. No I am NOT bitter. I am NOT a loser.
Itchy. You rock.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-05-18 11:37:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pure 100% unfiltered awesome.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-05-18 11:32:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck yeh
Submitted by Dino (user info) at 2004-05-18 11:25:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
An Instant Classic!!!
Submitted by vildy (user info) at 2004-05-18 11:23:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is too much
Submitted by Philst82 (user info) at 2004-05-18 11:18:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Liked it but, +2
But having slated Belle's version, I have to add in a -2.
So 0.
Submitted by Swik (user info) at 2004-05-18 11:13:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bravo good sir. Is it just me or did you forget the groceries? Tsk Tsk.
Submitted by Azriel (user info) at 2004-05-18 11:10:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As i was reading this... a headache started to appear. Do you know why? Because of the FREAKING MOOD SWINGS SHE HAS ALL THE TIME.
Euh... sorry babe, i was on the computer reading my emails. Yes, yes, i know i shouldn't do this while your waiting for me to repaint the bedroom AGAIN for the 100th time.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-18 11:08:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Still laughing....
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-05-18 11:08:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the finest writing i've ever read.
Anywhere.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-05-18 11:06:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Perfect
Submitted by drky (user info) at 2004-05-18 11:05:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry Belle i was wrong...
Dude, you fucking rock!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-05-18 11:05:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-05-18 11:05:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh damn that was good.....
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-05-18 11:02:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Made me laugh my ass off. Twice.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-18 11:00:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I found a boy like that I would be so happy.... where oh where are you darling?
Submitted by VerbOrgy (user info) at 2004-05-18 10:59:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Unadulterated awesomeness.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2004-05-18 10:54:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder if you will get any -2's?
Submitted by Dufflady (user info) at 2004-05-18 10:52:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If these things begin to happen in my house I know somethings wrong.
Hilarious.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2004-05-18 10:52:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Im sorry... Im sorry... I have to do it.
ARE YOU SAYING IM FAT???????????????
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-05-18 10:50:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was sooooo much better then my weak ass attempt.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-05-18 10:49:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
flawless (sdj):
1) without error
2) funny as shit
3) this post.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-05-18 10:44:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Fascinating. I hate her."
Fucking +2
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-05-18 10:44:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh. Ain't it the truth.