I Know (508 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.14 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Dufflady (View user info) at 2004-05-19 12:46:12 EDT
I knew it when I talked to him on the phone.
I knew he was not the same.
I know I was miles away and you were in my home, my territory.
I didn't know who you were but
I knew someone was trying to replace me.
When I stepped through my front door
I knew you had been there
I know you seduced him on the couch underneath our family photo.
I know you cooked him dinner.
You slept on the sheets I washed.
You saw my clothes lying around and my toothbrush by the sink.
What I don't know is
how you ever thought you could be me.
But nice try bitch!
User Reviews
Submitted by Fixer (user info) at 2004-05-19 15:40:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-05-19 14:16:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
better than i could ever do...
Submitted by Dufflady (user info) at 2004-05-19 14:13:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks lojope. I added a little more and I think I'll try again. If it sucks again I'll stick with posts about orgasms.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-19 14:08:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You almost had me until this line
"I know you seduced him on the couch underneath our family photo."
That was kind of corny.
But have a +1
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-05-19 13:57:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I've seen better (-1)
"But nice try bitch!"
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-19 13:50:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Duff I think if you were re-editing something you could post more than once. I'd like to see it actually. I really liked this, just thought it petered out at the end is all.
Submitted by Sci-Fi_Man (user info) at 2004-05-19 13:50:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I say if you can put more into your poetry, go for it.
Submitted by Dufflady (user info) at 2004-05-19 13:47:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for constructive criticism instead of flaming me completely.
Yes conrad, I will read your poetry.
Is it worth another, more thought out shot? Another day of course, to avoid posting more than once.
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-05-19 13:42:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not really poetry as I understand it, being free of metaphor, metre, imagery etc, but as someone said, it take guts to post poetry here, and if you don't practice, you'll never get there, so no negative. May I be so bold as to refer you to my own piece on parting, the second poem I've posted on here: it's one of the seven or so posts I've done so far, so it should be easy to find. Keep it up - it's a subject dear to me, so if you wish to discuss writing poetry in detail, I'm always willing to..
Submitted by Sci-Fi_Man (user info) at 2004-05-19 13:36:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
There is no story to this. Just some words organized in a some what sencable way.
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2004-05-19 13:30:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought it was good. Very powerful up until the very end. Well, I guess that was powerful too, but in a shockingly different way.
Submitted by Dufflady (user info) at 2004-05-19 13:16:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sure, but I deserve them.
I didn't quite capture the feeling I was trying to. Maybe next time I'll try just free writing instead of poetry format.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-05-19 13:12:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You also knew you'd get negative ratings did ya ?
Submitted by dohnuts (user info) at 2004-05-19 13:03:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Blame him, not her.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-05-19 13:00:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2
Nothing personal, just business.
Submitted by Dufflady (user info) at 2004-05-19 12:52:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was trying to keep it short...maybe lost a little something there.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-05-19 12:47:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It takes guts to post poetry on Ubersite.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-19 12:47:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It lost it a little at the end.