Give me your baby (797 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.05 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <mizuchoudai.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-05-19 16:43:23 EDT
My cousin's baby girl, Jenny, is a 2 week-old mass of sleepiness when I arrive. Nestled in-between blankets and a velour onesie, she looks as delectable as the first Krispy Kreme donut looks when you open up a box. Jenny's dad walks in and puffs up his chest, as if to say, "See what I did: I made a baby!" My cousin gives her husband a bewildered look and says, "When did we last feed the baby?" Blankly, he answers, "I don't know. Did your mom feed her?" More blank looks. "Well, we should just feed her now," she says.
Now, I don't have kids, but is that supposed to be the criteria for the next feed? If the two brain-dead parents can't remember, better just feed the baby anyway?
They wake up lil' Krispy Kreme Jenny by trying to navigate a cold bottle into her mouth (no heating it up for these folks). One hazy-blue eye opens for a nanosecond, as she starts feeding and falls asleep again. We all watch: me in blissful ignorance of how peaceful it looks, the parents, I'm sure, still wondering when they last fed her.
After a few ounces, the bottle is discarded and my cousin heaves her over her shoulder and pats her on the back, which should mean that she knows that the baby is supposed to now burp up any air that has gotten into her, but which, evidently, to has no meaning except that my cousin saw somebody do it once. Without waiting for any response from her, she is put back in the bassinet, as my cousin explains that she wants her to get used to sleeping without any human contact because she doesn't want to "spoil her." Jenny's sleeping eyes and face slowly start contorting. Her father snorts, "Jesus Christ! Don't tell me that kid is going to shit again!"
Apparently, a few days before, he'd tried to change the baby's diaper for the first time. He said it was all going very well, when he turned away for second (because we all know that you're supposed to turn your back on the baby whenever they are on the high changing table), and suddenly felt something warm and wet dribbling down his arm. He turned back around to see his baby urinating down the table. He apparently took it personally, and said to his, at the time, less-than-a-week old daughter "That's the last time I do that!" My cousin sighs loudly, "Oh, I'm so sick of changing her."
There's a rustle in the kitchen. The child's grandmother, my aunt, appears beaming. "Have you seen the most perfect baby in the whole world? I'm so in love!" The typical doting grandmother leans down, inhales the perfect baby, and says, just as cheerfully, "She's dirty. I'll change her."
The parents are unresponsive as she starts looking around for baby wipes, a clean diaper, and whatever else her grandmother knows she needs. Within seconds, her deft hands have her out of the bassinet and her diaper. She has her cleaned up, quickly, quietly, and effortlessly. But not quick enough that I haven't noticed the diaper rash that she already has from from being kept inside a dirty diaper for too long. Suddenly, I'm taking notes inside my head and I feel more like a DSS worker than a visiting relative.
Finally, through the changing, Jenny wakes up. She gurgles as her eyes try to take in the black and white world, as she won't see in color for quite a few more weeks. I have to hold her. I wonder why I haven't brought my car. I could grab her, run to my car, and take her home. Just for the first year. Just long enough to feed her and diaper her, until she can really communicate discomfort by screaming at the top of her lungs. As I'm thinking up more outlandish ways to save this baby, I start gently rocking her and she falls asleep. My cousin asks me if I can put her back in the bassinet immediately so that she can get used to the hard, cold surface. I comply; back in reality, I'm not her mother.
The baby asleep, grandmother back in the kitchen to make them dinner, and her husband watching baseball, my cousin starts talking to me about how important her child is to her. How she never thought she would've been ready. How her love for her child matches no love she's ever felt before--including her love for her husband. How she would kill for her child, if she were ever in danger. Aside from the chance of being overcome by diaper rash and being overfed by incompetent parents, I guess she's not in immediate danger. Such extreme love? Yet not enough to change this helpless baby's dirty diaper. I know dog owners more willing to clean up after their pooping loved ones. I try to think how to nicely say that I think she's trying to convince herself, not me, that she loves her new daughter, when she decides to ask the question that I knew was coming.
"So when are you having kids?" "Who knows?" comes my answer with a carefully-rehearsed tone that's less coy than mind-your-own-business. What I want to say is "I might just have to take yours." Unfortunately my cousin can't admit she's nowhere near able to even comprehend what taking care of another life is about. How sad that any moron can create such a sweet life and complain about it a mere two weeks later. My solace is that even crack whores have babies who can eventually have good lives.
Jenny doesn't have it quite that bad.
Just to make sure, I'm going back there again tonight. This time, I'm taking my car.
User Reviews
Submitted by mizuchoudai (user info) at 2004-05-20 09:54:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Lojope...I can see you are a very protective, caring parent and I hope that my cousin becomes like you. Maybe they're just making all the mistakes first-time parents make. Maybe she is exhausted from labor...I guess I could see being so tired as to leave a helpless soul that I love to death in its own filth. But, did I forget to tell you that they LIVE with his parents who have been doing the majority of feeding/changing/caring? (And Jenny is not a breast-fed baby, so mommy is not tired from that task.)
Be all that as it may, I'll give her the "You're so tired and overcome by this huge responsibility that you may be lacking of sound judgement right now" hall pass. Yes, I can do that. I can't see how your reasoning protects the father who doesn't do the 2 am feeding (or much else). But, I'll cut them some slack; they may be the kind of parents whose strengths are for older children, not babies. We'll see when the kid starts walking if they become more interested.
In the meantime, you suggest I be supportive, helpful, less goddamn judgemental. I would offer to do laundry, buy groceries, or sweep her floors, but all the housework is done by her maid.
Submitted by captain (user info) at 2004-05-20 01:34:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
All babies should be sent to a desert island to fend for themselves, only being allowed to return when they can afford to buy you a beer.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-19 19:04:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
He's 8 months old. I was 19 when I go pregnant, so technically I was still "in my teens" but I was out of highschool and engaged to be married, so no, I am probably not the statistic you are referring to.
Submitted by Staccers (user info) at 2004-05-19 18:33:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, thats older than me. How old is your kid? Were you one of these teen-pregnancies that i keep hearing about?
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-19 18:31:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I do have a kid. But I'm not old. I'm 20.
Submitted by Staccers (user info) at 2004-05-19 18:29:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I read in one of your posts you had a kid... I think. Or i could have dreamt it.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-19 17:46:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Stac, I'm not old.
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-05-19 17:35:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Boring, though not badly written, hence no -2.
Submitted by Staccers (user info) at 2004-05-19 17:34:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
WOW Lojope.. What a post.. If you weren't so old, I would definitely consider nailing you.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-05-19 17:30:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Diaper rash is also caused by the irritants in baby wipes. That's why Johnson and Johnson had to make diaper rash ointment as well- to cover their ass (no pun intended) (ha). They are just reaping in the dough. Also, did you know that formaldehyde is in No More Tears? And like, everything else?
Oh god, my tangent hurts.
+1 for me spelling formaldehyde correctly
-1 because I wasn't impressed. A for effort though.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-05-19 17:27:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
<insert lojo's review here> you got served.
but seriously. she has a point with the tiredness thing. its been a year and a half for me and i still sometimes let the ritual of the diaper slip my mind for a half an hour or so. not because i am a poor parent who needs to have my kid taken away from me by my cousin. oh no indeed. because there is a lot of other shit going on in my head, as i am sure there is in your cousin's head as well <insert many quotes from lojo's servation>. your concern is natural and i think its wonderful that you care so much. cut em a little slack. quality parenting is one of the tougher jobs on earth. its right up there with enforcing the "2 trips only" rule on the salad bar at sizzler.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-19 17:16:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You horrible self-righteous asshole!
This child is two weeks old, yes? That means that only two weeks ago this child's mother went through possibly 24 hours of the most excruciating pain known to humans. That means that only two weeks ago she pushed a 7 pound baby out of a hole that was originally less than 2 inches wide. That means that two weeks ago she was literally ripped in half. In two weeks she hasn't even stopped bleeding yet. Some hospitals would still have her as an inpatient.
So this woman has basically run the worlds longest, most difficult marathon, only gotten about two hours of sleep at a time since then (during what should be her "recovery" time), she is losing blood at a constant rate, and she has a feeding to do every two hours aside from a diaper to change for every feeding. Aside from all the normal daily things she has to do for the baby and herself. Do you know how much work it is for a woman who just gave birth just to take a shower?
No. You don't. Because you don't have kids. You have never given birth. I don't give a shit if you "helped raise" a couple of kids. It's not the same.
How dare you judge her for being tired. How dare you judge her because her kid has a diaper rash. Moron. Every child ever born has a diaper rash at some point. Some kids have more sensitive skin than others and they get them easier. A diaper rash doesn't cause and significant harm. It barely causes discomfort unless it gets really bad.
Oh wait... she's a bad mother because she wants the baby to sleep in the basinette? Fuckwad, the doctors TELL you to do that. It is important for the child's developement to learn to sleep on its own. If you don't have them sleeping on their own from the very beginning, they will be keeping you up all night when they are 2, 3, and 4 years old, unable to sleep unless you rock them.
Do me a favor. Get yourself a puppy. Then set an alarm to wake you up every 2 hours. Stay awake for at least 45 minutes, then go back to bed with the alarm set for two hours. Do this all night long every night for two weeks. Meanwhile, during the day you are taking care of the puppy, house training, walking etc. See what kind of shape you are in after two weeks.
And that is omiting labor. And a baby is exponentially more difficult to care for than a puppy.
I am so angry right now I am fuming. I can hardly see the keyboard. What you SHOULD be doing, asstwit, is asking her if you can help. Do the laundry. Clean up the house a little bit. YOU change the fucking baby for once.
And most of all you should be encouraging her. Tell her she's doing a good job. Tell her you're proud of her. Being a mother is a lot of work with no gratitude. A newborn does little else than sleep, eat, and cry. They are certainly not appreciating anything done for them.
Stop being so god damn judgemental, you have no idea what you are talking about.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-05-19 17:04:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written.
Submitted by panama (user info) at 2004-05-19 17:01:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
just for the record how old are these morons and do they have jobs?
Submitted by supervtek (user info) at 2004-05-19 16:58:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree, criticizing is easy.
But I liked the story anyway. Well written.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-05-19 16:57:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay, just 'cos you called me baby and I imagined it in a south usa accent.
yes I know I am an internet loser.
Submitted by mizuchoudai (user info) at 2004-05-19 16:52:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Apollo, baby, I helped raise my 2 sisters when I was 12.
So, yeah, it is easy for me to critisize these shmucks.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-05-19 16:48:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
babies are good... with some nice spicy BBQ sauce.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-05-19 16:46:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
First time parenting is hard.
Criticising is easy.