Gettin' laid and gettin' paid (2150 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.82 on 52 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Method (View user info) at 2004-05-20 02:25:21 EDT
I am an avid fan of internet porn. Honestly, it might just be the greatest thing since sliced
bread. Hot, nekkid women doing awful, awful stuff to awful, awful men, and I get it all for free through the miracle of broadband.
I always wondered how these people do it. They bang hot chicks, and make tons of money doing it.
Netvideogirls.com, Milfhunter, DirtyLatinaMaids. They all convince girls to come to their houses
and fuck them for absolutely no reason.
Piece of cake. I could do it too. There's not much work to it. With a little effort and a little luck, I would be tappin that ass in no time.
I put my plan into fruition and the next day, ran an ad in the local paper entitled :
"Hot Swimsuit Models needed for Photo Shoot. Great $. Call ***-***-****"
I checked the paper the next day and saw my ad prominently displayed in tiny print in the classified.
It was a go, people. We have liftoff.
That same day, I caught my first fish. The phone rang.
"Hello"
"Hi, this is Ashlee. I saw your ad in the paper, and was interested in the photo shoot."
"Ok Ashlee, sounds good", I said in my best MilfHunter voice.
"Heres my address. Come over and I'll interview you, and we'll see if you have what it takes".
Goddamm, I was smooth.
An hour later, the doorbell rang. I answered the door in my Old Navy bathrobe and Timberlands (no
socks). Easy access for the laaaadies.
Ashlee was looking good. She was tall, thin, with dark hair and green eyes. She took one look at
my incredible pimpin outfit and took a step back.
"Am I at the right house?"
"You're here for the photo shoot, right? Come this way. Step into my office."
"Umm...this is your office? It looks and smells like an outhouse. Oh God, I don't feel too good. Where's your bathroom?"
"Right behind you. Go right ahead. Just don't flush please."
As soon as she was done, I asked her to stand against the wall. This is how netvideogirls does it. Tell them to stand up against the wall, and their clothes will melt right off. Walls are amazing aphrodisiacs.
"So, have you modeled before?" I said, as I framed my face with my hand, closed one eye, and took
imaginary pictures with my hands , all the while making life like clicking sounds.
"You don't even have a fucking camera? What the fuck?"
This might be a problem. In hindsight, I should have bought a video camera or something to help the charade a little, but I was too excited.
No matter, I could always use the Jedi Mind Trick on this bitch.
"You have a sudden urge to remove your clothing" I said as I waved my hand in front of her.
Man, this was gonna be sweet.
"What the fuck is wrong with you? I thought this was supposed to be legit!"
"You have an insatiable urge to get your ass spanked." I said matter-of-factly
"You're fucked up dude. I should call the cops on your ass." She said as she picked up her purse and began storming towards the door.
I continued probing her mind. Her will was faltering. I could feel it. I decided to unleash my secret weapon. No woman could resist it.
"I have lube."
She stopped and turned to me. This was it. It had finally worked. I was going to get some hot model action.
She walked over to me slowly, her hand slipping into her purse. She came up close to me, looking directly into the non-camera, all erotic and shit, and smothered me in ecstacy.
Actually, With pepper spray.
Fuck, this wasn't in the plan.
"You fucking sick fuck, I hope your dick rots and falls off" She shouted as she gave me a loving goodbye kick in the nads.
I curled up in a fetal position, muttering "milfhunter" over and over under my breath, grasping at any last hope I may had. A little name dropping never hurt anyone. She stormed out of my house and slammed the door.
I may never see Ashlee again. She seemed a little pissed. Obviously, she wasn't serious about her career.
I washed my eyes out for a good 15 minutes, and then smiled as my ears perked up.
The phone is ringing.
User Reviews
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-21 15:54:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*1st things I read....fucking shit, I'm tired.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-21 15:46:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was one of the first things I wrote on uber. I think the first thing that I actually remember was something about Coke and how it was like a drug. Coke the soda, not the actual drug. Anyone know what I'm talking about?
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-01-21 15:29:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love it when old classics get dragged back to the surface.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-01-21 14:54:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nametags would help. Munkeypants looks like an egyptian goddess.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-01-21 14:20:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was funny as hell.
It was all downhill after this.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-21 13:58:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-01-21 13:36:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-02-13 13:53:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BW
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-12-08 01:36:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-07 12:11:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SoxSexSax (user info) at 2004-06-01 01:00:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
""You have a sudden urge to remove your clothing" I said as I waved my hand in front of her.
Man, this was gonna be sweet."
Haha.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-06-01 00:47:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
one time i got offered $10,000 to be in a gay porno about butthole virgins. i guess i just had that ass virgin look to me when the dude saw me in the mall.
fuck you for judging me. i was really in debt.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-06-01 00:33:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
w00h00
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-06-01 00:32:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
seriously, this is good stuff.
Why not try making your own stuff like bangbus?
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-05-23 22:53:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-05-23 22:38:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I fully expect to see my name on the MVA once in a while when you make it there, which by the looks of it, is going to be soon.
Submitted by jimbobjoe (user info) at 2004-05-23 16:23:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking kick ass. You should really try it.
Submitted by godking (user info) at 2004-05-20 12:35:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahahahahaha
GK
Submitted by iamhewhoisnot (user info) at 2004-05-20 12:17:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great
theres another fucked up site out there for you to peruse
crackwhoreconfessions.com or something to that effect
google it for a good laugh
(i would look up the exact address but, alas, the job is more important)
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-05-20 11:23:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-05-20 11:22:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was funny
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-05-20 11:09:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great. Try again
Submitted by SiriusLives (user info) at 2004-05-20 10:54:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-05-20 10:42:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAH!
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-05-20 10:26:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
porn
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-20 09:34:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well I don't know what was wrong with that girl, but when I stand by a wall I can't seem to stop my clothes from falling off. Seriously. I have to be really careful in public to stay in the middle of the room.
Submitted by cat_head (user info) at 2004-05-20 08:59:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Remarkable. I enjoyed the delusional viewpoint, and very much liked the milfhunter/namedropping thing. Well done.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-05-20 08:42:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-05-20 08:42:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I have lube."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by dohnuts (user info) at 2004-05-20 08:33:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I curled up in a fetal position, muttering "milfhunter" over and over under my breath, grasping at any last hope I may had. A little name dropping never hurt anyone.
-------------------------------------
AhHaHaHaHaHaHaHa
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2004-05-20 08:15:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think where you went wrong was by not procuring yourself a "professional" and then telling her you wanted to "role-play." Not that I would know anything about it. Seriously.
My name is NOT Mike, and I do NOT own an apartment in Ampsterdam. That is someone else. Not me.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-05-20 08:11:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been paid for sex.
Well, it wasn't "sex" sex... but I got a blowjob... from a female... an ugly female...
It's still cool though, right?
Submitted by Dufflady (user info) at 2004-05-20 07:52:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Her loss. Haha.
Submitted by digsy (user info) at 2004-05-20 07:48:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn that was smooth and she didn't buy it. It wasn't you, It was her.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-05-20 07:29:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You owe me 2 more -2's, bitch. I expect them on my next 2 posts. Dont disappoint.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-05-20 06:22:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hacksawfonnix, you are a bitter, sad, septic whore's cunt.
I can't wish you worse than the fact that - you have to be you. Too bad, so sad, someone will kill you soon enough. I hope it's long and painful.
Submitted by hacksawfonnix (user info) at 2004-05-20 06:10:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/33366
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-05-20 05:44:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehehe.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-05-20 04:48:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know I would have gone for it.
Submitted by SexyDonna (user info) at 2004-05-20 04:43:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
cuz I like bangbus. Bangbus is real-life.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-05-20 04:36:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew exactly what was going to happen and I still laughed.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-05-20 04:28:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2004-05-20 04:25:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bwahaha, nicely done.
Oh wait you failed... ah well, it was funny, and isn't that all that matters?
Submitted by Philst82 (user info) at 2004-05-20 04:15:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep at it, its bound to work some time....
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-05-20 04:07:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehehehehe...
hehe
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-20 04:02:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 average as of time of posting. Nice one.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-05-20 03:53:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The rhythm Method.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-05-20 03:33:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
come on, dirtylatinamaids and milfhunter are the best you could come up with?
What about... oh nevermind.
I can't even visit porn sites over here. I'm locked in a cage of decency and moral rectitude.
I'm going to dry up and die if I don't get my mind back in the gutter soon!
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-05-20 02:55:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe the wall didn't work.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-05-20 02:38:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do I hear a 2nd nomination for B@W?
Submitted by SausageKing (user info) at 2004-05-20 02:30:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-20 02:28:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny fiction.
Dork!
Submitted by AshyLarry (user info) at 2004-05-20 02:28:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff.