When You're Out Of Juice (2591 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Miscellaneous
Rating: 1.82 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2004-05-20 12:36:51 EDT
Man, I am one unimaginative bastard.
I was out of juice AGAIN. I had nothing to give, you know what I'm saying? And since my entire sense of happiness and well-being depends upon my acceptance by the Über-commünity at large, I knew I had to get something going. I just HAD to come up with something, you dig? Something new and fresh and guaranteed to entertain not just me, but all of you, too, dear readers. Otherwise, what's the point of going on?
I really wasn't inspired until my buddy Corey came up from Louisville for the weekend with his wife and daughter. Since the weather here in Indy was absolutely gorgeous, the wives decided it would be great to go downtown to the park at the War Memorial and let the kids play. Surely, I thought, there would be ample opportunity to extract some useful material from the outing?
When we got to the park, I was fairly disappointed. We pretty much had the place to ourselves, and it looked like storm clouds were converging on our location. I estimated our time left for frivolity at maybe half an hour. Damn.
My wife asked me, "Honey, why don't you and Corey go over to Quizno's and get lunch for everyone?"
BINGO! That was the opening I was looking for! But then I wracked my brain trying to come up with a suitably Über-worthy stunt to pull. Come on, I thought...I'm better than this...I got the juice...try word association...Quizno's...is a lot like...Subway...a subway in...New York...which is...an international city...just like...London...a European setting...or...Tel Aviv...Middle Eastern setting...or...Bangkok...Oriental setting...Bangkok...Bangkok...
"YES!!" I cried with joy.
My wife looked at me with disdain. "Calm down, you spazz. Just get us a foot long turkey on white. No hot stuff. The girls and I will split it."
"Sorry," I meekly replied. Corey and I walked away.
"Okay, dude," I said to Corey, who by then had been used to my stupid ass for 15 years, "Here's the contest. Before we get to Quizno's, you must speak to at least one stranger. You must engage them in conversation, and the conversation cannot end until you get them to question your sanity, threaten you, or run away."
"That's it?" He was unimpressed. "I can do that inside 10 seconds!"
I smiled. "Well then, let's make it challenging. You can only speak to them using lines from 'One Night In Bangkok' by Murray Head. You cannot sing the lines. You must speak them. And you cannot laugh or smile."
An evil look came over him. "Game ON, motherfucker!" That's what I wanted to hear.
Being a child of the 80's like me, Corey knew all the words to the song, so that wouldn't be a problem. But to find suitable victims might have required a bit more effort, if we hadn't fortuitously happened across a couple of Birkenstock-wearing, petition-carrying hippies from Broad Ripple about halfway to Quizno's. The only issue I could see with our selection was that, being pacifist hippies, it would be damn near impossible to get them to threaten us in any way. So, in my mind, that that narrowed our acceptable endings to two: get them to call us crazy, or get them to run away.
"Hey, man, could we get you guys to sign our petition? We're trying to save the spotted snarfle-bluffer that lives in the hoohah in blah blah county. It's a regional treasure." I wasn't really paying attention to what he said, but I think that was pretty close.
"Batter up", I muttered sideways to Corey.
Corey pointed menacingly at Hippie #1 and spoke in a weird, modulating voice. "I don't see YOU guys rating the kind of mate I'M contemplating!"
Oh, so that's how he wanted to play? It seemed his strategy was to make me laugh. Not exactly sporting, I'll admit, but an admirable line of attack nonetheless. I countered with my best Linda Richman voice: "I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine!"
Man, you could hear the crickets chirping. Then Hippie #2 smiled knowingly and said, "Oh, dude, Murray Head...that's funny... now if I could just get you to-"
"WHADDYA MEAN?!!! YA SEEN ONE CROWDED, POLLUTED, STINKING TOWN!!!" I shouted with furious wrath.
"Dude, are you okay? You need to lie down?"
I was thinking, 'Come on...come on...just a little bit more...say something about my sanity...' But Corey, seizing his opportunity, lunged toward the hippies like an Olympic fencer, pointed threateningly, and said, in a Clint Eastwood intonation, "I can feel the devil walking next to me..."
"Dude, I get it, okay? Murray Head. One Night In Bangkok. I understand the pop-culture reference. Our petition? Will you sign it?
Damn, I guessed I was really going to have to work for my payoff. I shrieked at him in my highest pitched, horror-movie scream voice, "YOU'RE TALKING TO A TOURIST WHOSE EVERY MOVE'S AMONG THE PUREST!!"
"Dude-"
Corey (Russian accent): "It's Iceland or the Philippines or Hastings or -- or this place!"
"Dude-"
Me (Fire Marshall Bill voice): "One town's very like another when your head's down over your pieces, brother!"
"Dude-"
Corey (Austin Powers voice): "Don't you know that when you play at this level there's no ordinary venue?"
"Dude-"
Me (Arnold Schwartzeneger voice): "I'D LET YOU WATCH, I WOULD INVITE YOU BUT THE QUEENS WE USE WOULD NOT EXCITE YOU!"
The hippies threw their hands up in disgust. "You're fucked up, man. Just-"
"Gaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!! I win! I am triumphant!" I shouted for joy, then performed the customary victor's ritual by dancing around them all, singing 'We Are The Champions" with my nutsack hanging out of my pants. Corey was, of course, visibly dejected. The hippies scurried away in fear.
I cannot be defeated, because I refuse to lose!
User Reviews
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-11-11 16:02:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish people walked around doing stuff like this all the time. hahaha
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-08-09 10:48:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for living in Indy. The place where Tony Stewart just made my entire year with a victory!
Oh yeah, story was a +2nafish as well!
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-08-09 10:17:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-10 20:36:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-25 01:10:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
...singing 'We Are The Champions" with my nutsack hanging out of my pants.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
Submitted by Julia (user info) at 2004-05-22 15:54:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If I give you a +2, what do I give the really outstanding posts? But almost everybody here is giving you +2. Fucking peer pressure.
Submitted by R.P.McMurphy (user info) at 2004-05-22 15:46:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I cannot be defeated, because I refuse to lose!"
that is what i like to hear.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-05-22 15:42:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am not juicy anymore. I don't know what happened. I even posted twice a day last week (now I know better), but still... maybe that has something to do with it. Maybe the uber community SUCKED OUT my creative prowess, leaving me with nothing but an emtpy screen and an equally empty 1.75 of Malibu.
Damn you all.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-05-22 15:38:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2004-05-21 08:01:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by godking (user info) at 2004-05-20 16:20:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Here's a +2 for hangin' at the War Memorial. I used to go there a lot.
Here's a -1 for fucking with people in Broad Ripple. There's no danger in it.
Go do this in Haughville or Brightwood, at night, and I'll give you a +2.
I'll give you another +2 if you do it in Carmel.
GK
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-05-20 15:51:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-05-20 15:06:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dude
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-05-20 14:30:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Siam's gonna be the witness
To the ultimate test of cerebral fitness
Submitted by VerbOrgy (user info) at 2004-05-20 14:26:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never even seen birkenstock wearing hippies in Broadripple...
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-05-20 14:22:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by VerbOrgy (user info) at 2004-05-20 14:21:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, where are you when I'm walking around downtown Indy? I would love to watch something like that. +2 becuase I've never seen birkenstock wearing hippies in downtown Indy.
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2004-05-20 13:55:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude-
--HeimdallsMan
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-05-20 13:07:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha! yay for you.
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-05-20 13:05:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome...
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2004-05-20 12:51:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was funny. I can't believe you KNOW ALL the lyrics
to that song. But the melody/tune is now stuck in my head for the
rest of the day.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-20 12:49:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe it took that long for them to stop saying "dude."
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-20 12:47:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-05-20 12:42:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
....................../´¯/)
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PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT!
Put this up her ass and fuck her hard!
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-05-20 12:40:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
My wife looked at me with disdain. "Calm down, you spazz. Just get us a foot long turkey on white. No hot stuff. The girls and I will split it."
"Sorry," I meekly replied. Corey and I walked away.
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OWNED!