Fuck all the badasses in the world! (1133 hits)
Category: NewsRating: 1.72 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by TripinDayZ (View user info) at 2004-05-20 14:54:48 EDT
That's right, fuck em all!!! Sorry, got carried away there. <ahem> I present to you a badass among badasses. Meet Malcom Locke, a 12 year old alligator ass kicker extraordinaire.
http://www.cnn.com/2004/US/South/05/20/alligator.attack.ap/index.html
And now, the obligatory summary (or my interpratation anyway):
Kid in Florida is at grandma's house. Fuck-ing-bored. 12 years old and having already exhausted his interest in grandpa's Fucking Flappers porn collection (That 20's porn is some sick shit) he decides to go for a dip in good ole Lake Diana. Now unfortunately this is not the neighbor girl but a fresh water collection just north of Orlando.
He makes his way to the swimmin hole and proceeds to yank one off in the bushes before he goes in. He's 12, he saw Ol Lady Withers bending over at the Leon's Groceries on his way there, it happens. Moving on. So he's just chilling in the water, minding his own business. I imagine he peed a couple times, made fart bubbles with the air in his pants, you know the usual 12 year old boy stuff.
Out of nowhere comes an alligator tail right fucking at him! Does he scream like a little girl and flap his arms like crippled emu? (which is exactly what I would have done by the way) No. He makes a valiant effort to swim away but is caught in the jaws of death. This 5'4" tall stud puppy takes a bite to the head and gets dragged underwater for the death roll made popular by that quirky aussie we all love, Paul Hogan. Ok maybe just American's love him and thats why the world hates us. Back to point.
The kid is being pulled underwater with a fucking alligator for a tupee and he manages to punch the assasin hard enough that the thing just let go and swam away. Now im no expert on croc-boxing but I would assume you would have to hit the thing fairly hard. Furthermore, if you've ever tried hitting something with any force while underwater, well, you know it's not the easiest thing to do. Try it with a gator on your mater!!!
So billy badass knocks the shit out of the thing and he just floats up to the surface, swims to shore and a neighbor drove him to the hospital. I'm sure he would have rather walked on glass without shoes on but the neighbor insisted. The only injuries he had were scratches and scrapes to his head and a chunk of ear. Ok the chunk of ear thing is pretty gross but come on the dude kicked an alligators ass!!
A copy of this article will ensure that he will be able to get laid at any seedy bar in the land.
BB: Wanna fuck?
Connie Ho: No bastard!
<BB flips out the article>
Connie Ho: your trailer or mine!
User Reviews
Submitted by euripidestrousers (user info) at 2004-05-20 20:10:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Dufflady (user info) at 2004-05-20 17:50:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BB: Wanna fuck?
Connie Ho: No bastard!
<BB flips out the article>
Connie Ho: your trailer or mine!
HAHAHA...he's going to be a god at school.
BTW, was that the 'sexy' part?
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2004-05-20 17:37:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
does he have that annoyed look because he had to pose with mom?
or is it the gator headache?
Submitted by iamhewhoisnot (user info) at 2004-05-20 15:38:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
is that stifler's mom?
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-05-20 15:31:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
a Scorpions concert would be much more badass, if they weren't extinct.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-05-20 15:24:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
While we're on the subject of alligators, my sister and her family want to drag me to an alligator zoo at the beach this summer. What the hell is that about? Granted, they live out in AZ where these things are exotic and rare, but all you have to do to see an alligator zoo is cross the border into SC, head out to any water hazard on a golf course, throw raw chicken into the water and there you have it. If you get too close, it can even be a petting zoo.
The next time I'm in AZ, I'm going to make them go to a scorpion and lizard zoo with me.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-05-20 15:13:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-05-20 15:09:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sure he would have rather walked on glass without shoes on but the neighbor insisted.
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you're hilarious AND sexy
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now if i could just find a penis pump that worked i could complete the holy trinity.<ohms>
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-05-20 15:13:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-05-20 15:04:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
we had alligators that big on my campus in lafayette. i fucked one of them in the ass. it was good.
That made me laugh so hard I died. Then Jesus sent me back to earth to give your post a +2. Then I laughed again and died.
I'm still dead.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-05-20 15:11:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
im sure steve irwin called his agent to negotiate a longer contract before animal planet gets wind of this. i would.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-20 15:11:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha! You trailor or mine?
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-05-20 15:09:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sure he would have rather walked on glass without shoes on but the neighbor insisted.
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you're hilarious AND sexy
Submitted by Captain-Cretin (user info) at 2004-05-20 15:05:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Didnt i see his mum in one of those Amazon Women sexplotation films?????
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-05-20 15:04:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
we had alligators that big on my campus in lafayette. i fucked one of them in the ass. it was good.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-05-20 15:03:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Steve Irwin is a pusspot compared to this kid.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-05-20 15:02:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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