Simple question: What does drug testing test? (1864 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Malone (View user info) at 2004-05-20 19:41:30 EDT
I am fortunate to not work for any companies that drug test. This is due in part to me actively avoiding any company that does so and being able to work for those companies that don't. However, many of my friends do not share my avoidance factor for such jobs.
I have been doing some thinking for a long time about drug testing at work, forming various opinions about it. I began to wonder what drug testing tests for. Can anybody answer me this simple question? What do drug tests test for?
I have the answer. The answer is not marijuana or cocaine. Let me lead you along the thought path that led me to the answer, which I will reveal in a paragraph or two.
Ironically, alcohol is the key to the drug testing question. What if I went on a bender the night before I had to be to work and I was still a little bit fucked up? Not drunk by any means but still groggy and hung over. My condition probably won't be too obvious to my coworkers unless I tell them all about the Jager-bombs and shots of 151 that took place mere hours before. No problem, life at the work place goes on and at worst, you cannot function to work and are useless and people gossip about you. At best you are hailed as a dedicated worker who shows up even though you'd rather be home passed out.
One would think that this would be a big deal. Too many people it is, but not to the government.
Here is an alternate situation.
You were out last night with your friends who were all playing cards around the basement and bullshitting up a storm. Laughing about old times and who was the best fuck when you were 17. You don't drink alcohol, but enjoy a 2 liter of Coke to yourself and go home, have a long night sleep and wake up feeling great and ready to be productive. When you get to work looking good and feeling the same you are sent to get a drug test. The drug test has detected trace amounts of THC in your system from that J you smoked a week ago while chilling at home watching South Park. You're fired! Pack your shit and go home, hit the papers and find a new job. All the while your co-workers talk about what a piece of shit drug user you are. Good riddance.
So, what's the difference between getting smashed on the liquid and smoking the smoke? One is legal and one is not. Both get you fucked up. Both are enjoyed by millions in this country and world wide. Some may argue that there are as many smokers as drinkers, because not every drinker smokes and not every smoker likes the drink.
As it's ok to get drunk nightly, come in and do your job without a problem, but not ok to smoke a QP before bed (if that were possible) it would seem to me that what drug testing really tests for is whether or not you are a law breaker or not. The government, and the work place are not interested in WHAT you do to leave your mind, but if it is legal or not.
I find this to be hypocritical and outrageous. I had plenty of reasons to be against drug testing on the job before, such as personal rights etc. etc. but now this revelation has made things oh so much clearer. Is this not obvious to everybody but me? Am I the only person who really takes public policy and puts it under the looking glass? Am I the only person who thinks like an American of old? I hope not. I know I'm not.
On a last note, student drug testing is becoming a more popular topic. I won't get into my feelings about that, but I will only say this: Kids, whatever you do, pick which laws you break because the 'Yes Men' in adult-land aren't concerned with whether you get an education and grow up to be a contributing member of your community, but are only concerned with lording policy over you and wait with bated breath to see if you break it. Drop your pants and take it.
User Reviews
Submitted by Eric_Rice (user info) at 2004-10-17 14:54:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sharpie (user info) at 2004-05-22 11:20:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So, here is a thought.
What if (and this is a big what if) Marijuana was legalized. Completely legal (for adults), it wouldnt matter because you could still fail your drug test. A company's policy is rarely related to the law in most other matters (if you fail a UA or have alcohol in your system you get fired the same way.)
It all has to do with the company's policy manual, they can say that if you were to wear a blue shirt you would be fired. As long as it was the same for everyone.
-adam
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-05-21 13:01:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are generally three, or five panel tests. The three panel ones test for three of the following: always THC, often cocaine, often MDMA and similar such as methampetamine, benzodiazipines, and opiates that leave morphine as a metabolite. The five panel tests test for all of these. THC tends to linger in the system for up to (and sometimes over) 14 days, whereas opiates, cocaine and its derivatives, phenylthiamines, tryptamines and opiates tend to clear the system rather more quickly, six days often being sufficient.
The poppy seed bagel defence can work in the case of morphine metabolites, but the levels must be pretty low, and this will work for codeine, morphine, dilaudid and heroin. If high levels are shown, you can claim to have been taking Tylenol 1 that you picked up OTC in Canada. If you've been taking oxycontin, hydro, fentanyl or methadone, these either won't show up at all as they're synthetic opiates with no morphine metabolites, or you're fucked with no defence at all. Luckily, tests for these are still pretty rare.
Similarly, there's no getting away with THC, MDMA and similar, cocaine and analogs, and benzodiazipine unless you have a script.
All I can say is drink gallons of water before the test, and submit the urine sample in mid-stream: the only drug test "cheat" drinks that work are those that nullify the test, giving you time to purge your system before a retest. There are plenty of these available.
Ironically it is THC, the most innocuous of all these substances, that is the hardest to get away with.
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2004-05-21 08:27:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What do you mean the emperor has no clothes? I can see them, plain as day.
Though you are right about the whole drugs thing, I say legalise them all and let them sort themselves out.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-05-21 08:05:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never done any illegal drugs in my life, and failed a drug test.
That's funny to me...
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-05-20 22:38:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Malone I think there is a bit more to this than what you have described.
Rather than giving you a huge reply no -one will read I have created another post that probaly noone will read either.
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=108510703742315896
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-20 21:19:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Or, if they detect high levels of opium (the chemical in heroin and poppy seed bagels) they know you've been doing some other drugs OR eating a lot of poppy seed bagels.
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Otherwise known as "Things that Seinfeld has taught us."
All the best drugs come from the poppy plant.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-05-20 21:00:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're right!
Submitted by Rixes (user info) at 2004-05-20 20:43:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Had to take my test 3 times. They told me I drank too much water. I was drinking like a fish , it had only been one week since I last smoked.
Submitted by Lucifer_Industries (user info) at 2004-05-20 20:24:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I might add that the Emperor has no clothes.
Submitted by Lucifer_Industries (user info) at 2004-05-20 20:22:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That is incorrect Stoned, drug testing is not a test about drugs. One would think that the test is about keeping people who get fucked up from being in the ranks of the company. That's the public excuse fed to the voters. Sadly, it is about keeping law breakers from working.
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Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-05-20 20:11:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Drug testing tests for unusual levels of certain chemicals in your blood/urine/fat.
For example, if they detect high levels of THC (the chemical in marijuana) they know you've been smoking up.
Or, if they detect high levels of opium (the chemical in heroin and poppy seed bagels) they know you've been doing some other drugs OR eating a lot of poppy seed bagels.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-20 20:03:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-05-20 19:59:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
not that i'm against marijuana legalization, quite the opposite, but your company does test for it, and it is still illegal. Especially for you Americans. So don't do it.
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Where I work even if you come up positive you still get another chance. Hundreds of (daily) smokers have been tested and I only know 1 person that came up positive. She didn't drink any water before the test. In fact, it's been quite a while since they had one of their "random" tests. I think they may have given up.
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-05-20 19:59:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
not that i'm against marijuana legalization, quite the opposite, but your company does test for it, and it is still illegal. Especially for you Americans. So don't do it.
Submitted by euripidestrousers (user info) at 2004-05-20 19:59:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-20 19:45:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
My company tests, and as soon as they tell me I just start chugging water and pass every time. It depends on the type of job you have. At a government job or in the NFL they treat "inconclusive" results as failing. At my job, because of the cost of testing they count that as passing because they can't afford to retest you. Pretty much any substance you take to pass a test tells you to drink it with 2 quarts of water, but it's the water not the substance that cleans you out.