God hates figs. (long) (1124 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.33 on 6 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Awko (View user info) at 2004-05-22 10:28:37 EDT
Blatantly stolen from http://www.godhatesfigs.com/index2.html. |
Other excerpts stolen directly from the bible itself. |
---------------------------------------------------------------
How long can we ignore the mountain of evidence that figs are corrupting our culture? We as a society must stand up now to oppose this fruity scourge before we find figs in our classrooms, in our church picnics and even on our television screens! The cultural elite is determined to shove figs down our throat, and we must be equally determined to oppose the figgy tide.
Consider the following:
Figs are associated with science, which is inherently anti-religion. The most popular fig snack, the one your children are probably eating right now, is named after Sir Isaac Newton, one of the leading figures of the Enlightenment. The Enlightenment, of course, was when all those painters dug up dead bodies so they could draw naked people more accurately. That led to the French Revolution and the fall of Western Civilization. And it's still going on today!
The Enlightenment was also when Rene Descartes proved beyond doubt that God existed! They couldn't have that, of course, so they went and locked him in an oven until he lost all his senses. After that, he just went around babbling about cognitive ergonomics, which is something to do with office furniture for Godless yuppies.
A simple misprint in the Torah led Jews to avoid eating pork and ham for millenia, when in fact everyone knows God really meant to tell them to avoid eating any part of a fig.
If that's not enough, take a look at any science textbook or--God forbid--sex education book. Next to every single one of the perverted diagrams, you'll see the words "Fig 1, fig 2, fig 3..." That's because the soldiers of the Evil Army get a fig every time they warp a young and impressionable mind.
Figs were a staple diet in ancient Greece. And I don't think I need to mention what they got up to back then...
And just think: What kind of leaves were Adam and Eve using to cover their nakedness in the Garden of Eden?
Not to mention the fact that in the Book of Exodus, God sent the Israelites out into the wilderness for 40 years solely to keep them away from fig trees so they could cure their terrible fig dependence...
Need more proof? In this section we shall look to the bible for further evidence.
JESUS REBUKED THE FIG AS AN EVIL ABOMINATION.
"Now in the morning as he returned into the city, he was hungry.
"And when he saw a fig tree by the road, he came to it, and found nothing on it, but leaves only, and said to it, Let no fruit grow on you henceforward for ever. And presently the fig tree withered away.
"And when the disciples saw it, they marvelled, saying, How soon has the fig tree withered away!"
--Matthew 21:18-20
JESUS COMMANDED US NOT TO EAT OF THE CURSED FIG.
"The next day, when they came from Bethany, he was hungry:
"And seeing a fig tree afar off having leaves, he came, if perhaps he might find any thing on it: and when he came to it, he found nothing but leaves; for the time of figs was not yet.
"And Jesus answered and said to it, No man eat fruit of you hereafter forever. And his disciples heard it.
--Mark 11:12-14
EAT A FIG, GO TO HELL.
"He destroyed their vines with hail and their sycamore-figs with sleet."
--Psalm 78:47
GOD PROMISES TERRIBLE VENGEANCE FOR FIG-EATERS.
"Yes, this is what the LORD Almighty says: "I will send the sword, famine and plague against them and I will make them like poor figs that are so bad they cannot be eaten."
--Jeremiah 29:17
Figs are the spawn of Satan himself.
Case closed.
User Reviews
Submitted by Mister_Fahrenheit (user info) at 2005-01-18 22:25:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2004-11-14 08:05:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Makes sense to me. (First review for like half a year; enjoy)
Submitted by FearBenzene (user info) at 2004-05-22 13:54:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-05-22 11:29:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh...
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-05-22 10:47:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hahaha
I'm warming up to this Jewtoast guy
Submitted by Jewtoast (user info) at 2004-05-22 10:36:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
God loves lawyers.