I am a good neighbor: Tales of the Monoculous kind. (765 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.6 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Dr. Monoculous (View user info) at 2004-05-22 16:31:45 EDT
After working as a nuclear scientist for a renegade state in the Middle East, I found it was time for me to retire to a humble abode in suburban Seattle.
Oh it was quite a warm summer day, a bit humid but had a breeze, making it more bearable. Sweat dripped down my forehead as I looked from the front yard at my new home. It was two stories, white, had a nice, big basement for me to conduct my new-age scientific research. I walked up the front porch and looked at the door. It was wooden and had a brass doorknob. I set my hand on the doorknob; cool to the touch.
Upon entering my empty home, I felt relaxed. Relaxed in the kind of way that you feel after you've come home from an extended vacation. The carpet was new, a beige color. Dust floated in the air. The wood along the walls looked as if it was newly replaced. The house was in mint condition. A chandelier hung from the ceiling over where my kitchen table would be.
I decided it would be time to attain furniture for my most humble abode. Yes, a couch for the living room. A nice desk in the den. A television with another couch for my family room, even though I have no family. Being an illegitimate scientist doesn't free up much time for you, and being a man of the ripe age of 54, it's a bit late.
I walked out into the garage. Dirt floor. That's all right with me. I could pave it with concrete myself, and then park my 1989 station wagon in it. Perfect. From my garage, I walked out into the driveway and got into my station wagon. I drove to a nice furniture store and bought exactly what I needed.
"Are you sure you want to buy all this at once?" The clerk asked me.
"Yes sir. May I write a check?" I took off my sun glasses for but a moment to see him more clearly.
"Uhh, sure." I took out my check book and wrote out what I had to. It had been years since I had written a check. In third world countries, checking accounts don't matter too much.
The large shipping truck strolled up to my home and several moving men brought in my furniture.
"I would like the table to go under the chandelier and put the couch and love seat adjacent to one another." I pointed to the wall. "Oh, and put the television, second couch and recliner in that family room in there." I pointed to where I wanted it to go.
After several hours of adjusting it was perfect. I had desks in the den and my basement. I walked outside to retrieve some basic utensils for science, my one true passion. I brought the box into my basement and put them down on the desk. I individually brought out each piece of equipment, each beaker and each biological powder. Every mold, fungus, and bacteria that I had in storage. I put the delicates in the freezer for preservation but left the rest in the cabinet. Perfect.
The doorbell rang. I walked up the stairs and answered my door. There all of my neighbors stood. "Hello!" They all welcomed me. "We're your new neighbors." One of the women informed me.
"Greetins!" I grinned at the individuals I'd be spending this stretch of road with. "Would you like to come in? I was just about to make lunch." I invited them all in. "Please, be seated." I pointed them to the couch and love seat.
"This is a very nice neighborhood," one man started. "Very low crime, and everything is very quiet." He smiled.
"Excellent. I love quiet." I smiled at them. "Oh, how rude of me. My name is John. John Monoculous." I smiled happily and took off my sun glasses. Everyone introduced themselves. I sat down in a chair. "Would you like something to drink?" I then promptly got them all some tea.
"So, Mr. Monoculous, what do you do for a living?" Mrs. Hernandez asked me.
"Well," I thought for a moment. "I was a computer scientist and worked behind the scenes of major news organizations for a while, then I worked for the military at the Pentagon." I smiled.
"Very interesting." Mr. Richards said. The conversation was lively for a very long time. As evening approached, I showed them out. As Mr. And Mrs. Hernandez walked away, I heard the man say "I don't like this guy." I frowned to myself and put my sunglasses back on.
What could they not like about me?
Upon the next morning, I was observing my front lawn. From across the street, I saw Hernandez's dog running into my yard and proceeding in defecating upon my lovely green grass. My grandmother had this problem once, and she told me always to be polite then do what you have to do. As the dog went back to Mr. Hernandez, he praised it with "Good dog."
I was polite.
I walked across the street and knocked on the door. Mr. Hernandez answered. "What do you need, Monoculous?"
"Your dog defecated upon my lawn. I took care of it, but I ask that you don't allow it to do this anymore." I smiled.
"Oh yeah Monoculous, or what?" He smirked.
"I assure, I will make sure it doesn't happen again if you don't." With that, I turned and walked home.
"Freak." He mumbled as he slammed his door.
As night fell, I got to work.
The next morning I woke at the same time and observed from my basement, trigger in hand. The little dog came running across the street and started sniffing around my lawn.
"A little closer." I whispered to myself. It kept sniffing. "Just a few more steps." I grinned. Ah, perfect, it squatted.
I pushed the trigger.
A large explosion ripped through my front yard and shattered the peace of the neighborhood. I walked up onto my front porch to inspect the damage of my handiwork. A medium sized crater in my yard and not a piece of dog anywhere to be seen. The neighbors all came out of their homes and walked over.
"Well." I smirked. Mr. Hernandez walked over to me.
"What the hell, Monoculous? You blew up my dog!" He flailed his arms.
"I blew up your dog? How do you know it was me? I am just an unsuspecting new neighbor, I had no idea. It was probably a hazing by a local youth." I smiled.
"Monoculous, you better..."
"You should have kept your dog off my lawn." I tipped my sunglasses so I could look him in the eyes. "And I told you I would take care of it. Now if you will excuse me, I have to make a call. I need some sod."
I walked back into my home.
"I can already tell this is going to be a wonderful neighborhood."
I smiled.
User Reviews
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-05-25 23:01:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good indeed.
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-05-23 12:27:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny
Submitted by kakhuis (user info) at 2004-05-23 07:58:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I DONT THINK YOU EVEN KNOW WHERE IS THE MIDDLE EAST!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-23 07:46:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good stuff...
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2004-05-23 07:35:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Because dogs suck.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-22 20:55:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
about his identity that is......
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-22 20:55:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good post, but I call malarky on Dr. Monoculous .
I'm not fooled.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-05-22 20:47:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-05-22 20:24:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate dogs.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-05-22 20:24:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
strange, i like it.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-22 19:28:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-05-22 19:13:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll be watching you One-Eye.
Nicely done.
Werd.
Submitted by DoctorMonoculous (user info) at 2004-05-22 18:04:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jeez, I'm bored.
Someone AIM me.
"Monoculous" is my handle.
SCIENCE SCIENCE SCIENCE
Submitted by DarthAwesome (user info) at 2004-05-22 17:54:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the best first post I have ever read.
is there any actual truth behind this?
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-05-22 17:26:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hmmm...
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-05-22 17:23:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Aye.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-05-22 17:03:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hidden101 approves of taking care of pesky neighbors and science.
Submitted by Dufflady (user info) at 2004-05-22 16:56:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dr. Dufflady approves of lawn care.
Submitted by Fixer (user info) at 2004-05-22 16:52:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"It was probably a hazing by a local youth."
Makes the whole mature man build-up worthwhile.
Submitted by iamhewhoisnot (user info) at 2004-05-22 16:47:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
continue
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-05-22 16:46:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom approves of Dr. Monoculous.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-05-22 16:39:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And a +2 because your name is Dr. One Eye.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-05-22 16:39:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i second stonedsilly's sentiment
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-05-22 16:37:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Please continue this as a series.
Submitted by DoctorMonoculous (user info) at 2004-05-22 16:32:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Science Science Science.
Dr. Monoculous approves of science.