Fuck Old People, and Fuck The Homeless! (1383 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.08 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Fleet Marshall Badass (View user info) at 2004-05-23 00:25:51 EDT
Hearts and minds are where it's at today, as the powers that be decide that all Navy undergraduates at the "grand and illustrious" Australian Defence Force Academy are to give up their Sunday morning for the grand enterprise of DOOR KNOCKING! That's right kids; Navy Squadron went around knocking on doors, waking people up on a Sunday and getting abused, all to collect donations for the Salvation Army's Red Shield Appeal.
Besides helping old, poor and/or homeless people, the Salvos also drive a big van out to the Army boys when they're out in the scrub playing stupid man's war, so the Navy is meant to feel good about all this, because giving is a far greater joy than receiving...
Nevertheless, we went out to do our bit, and win the hearts and minds of suburban Canberra by showing that we care about stuff. We were each given our own little area to go door knocking in, and off we were sent to beg for money.
I was door knocking in a suburb called Downer, known for its healthy mix of the middle-class and the second-to-bottom rung of society, the bottom rung being homeless people. I had a fair idea of what I was going to say, so I rocked up to the first door, which was attached to quite a nice house, and began to knock.
(Door Opens)
Me: Hi, I'm collecting for the Red Shield Appeal; would you like to make a donation?
Crabby Old Lady: "I don't support the Salvation Army."
Me: I agree, fuck old people!"
Then I left. I proceeded to knock on doors, and I got about $90, so I wasn't too disappointed with the moral fibre of suburbia. But as I got back into my car, I remembered some of the exchanges I'd had with other people:
"I don't support the Salvos..."
"Yeah, fuck the homeless!"
(From the other side of the door)"Go away..."
"You go away!"
"I live here!"
"Not for long... the Salvos will evict you unless you give them money!"
"Piss off, what've the Salvos ever done for me?"
"They've left you in peace all this time. If you don't pay up, they'll torment you forever!"
I'd set the scene for a bit of afternoon fun, as I remembered the addresses of the people who'd rejected me, and the words of the organiser:
"Be enthusiastic, and have fun collecting!"
- Over-zealous Salvation Army lady
Have fun, eh? That gave me a great idea about how to spend a Sunday afternoon. Here's what I suggest you take with you if you ever go out seeking revenge for the Salvos:
- The collection bag, that they issue you before you go (just in case you get more donations;
- A black suit and black shirt with a white tie;
- A strip of cardboard;
- The Koran;
- A towel and a big rubber band;
- A friend in some really old clothes, and give him a towel and a big rubber band as well;
- A cap gun.
Then you set off to have some fun. There are probably four different scenarios you can use with this equipment, but you can probably mix it up a bit. Here's what I did:
Scenario 1: The Koran, the gun and a towel around my head. This works well for old people because it scares the shit out of them.
"KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!"
(Door opens) "Who are you?"
"ALLAH K'BAB! YOU GIVE TO SALVOS, OR I MAKE CALL TO JIHAAAAAD!!"
"AAAHH!! GO AWAY!!"
We got hit with canes and stuff, but it was fun. And someone gave us ten bucks! That lasted about five doors, before our throats got sore. So we went back to the car, and I got dressed into the suit, and Jack got dressed into his old clothes, and we set off again, thinking it would never get boring.
Scenario 2: Man in suit, and homeless person. This is good for poor people.
"KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!"
(Door opens) "What do you want?" Aww, she recognised me.
"Hello Madam. I understand you couldn't donate to the Salvation Army because you actually require their assistance, is that right?"
"Yeah, so what?" This was perfect; her kids were in plain view of my little homeless friend.
"Well, the Salvos require some assistance from you. You have just adopted this young man. He is called Boris and doesn't speak good English. Hey kids, say hello to your new brother!!" And with that, Boris dashed past the dumbstruck woman and headed right for her kids, in true Russian Chucky style:
"Hi, I'm Boris, wanna play?" The kids were scared shitless!! I turned and left, and I got four doors down before Jack caught up with me.
"That was fucked! I got punched in the face, and I'm pretty sure you'd be fucked too if you'd stayed any longer."
"Aw, c'mon mate... we'll do two more houses and then get changed and do another one."
So we did two more houses. As it turned out, there was only one more door I really wanted to knock on, and it belonged to an old person, so I went back to the car and got changed back into Jihad rig, grabbed my Koran and off I went. I left Jack to recover from being kicked and at one house, having to escape.
I've come back to the car, bleeding from just under my eye. My towel was on crooked and I had no gun.
"Hahaha! HAHAHA!! Guess you didn't come out of that too well?"
"Fuck you." I'm nursing my rapidly swelling eye. "Fucking bitch hit me before I could finish my call to Jihad, and then she wouldn't stop!"
"She didn't wait for you to finish your call to Jihad? That's just fucking rude."
We left Downer, felling all warm and fuzzy, knowing full well that we'd succeeded in our hearts and minds mission.
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-10-20 00:25:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i keep trying but they keep saying no
Submitted by briancte (user info) at 2004-10-20 00:15:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
haha, he called his friend "mate". love the foreigners.
Submitted by NoComment (user info) at 2004-06-24 03:51:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Maggs, my god you are a first class assole. Tis shit is made more ridiculous my the fact that its all a work of fiction. If you actually did this shit, you would still be a wanker but atleast not a blatant liar. I work with you idiot - your full of shit. CODE RED TIME...
Submitted by Ferdinand (user info) at 2004-06-21 19:00:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You suck man!
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-05-25 15:12:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha.
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-05-23 14:07:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amusing in a towelhead kinda way
Submitted by CunningVision (user info) at 2004-05-23 13:20:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That sounds fun!
Submitted by simplychilled (user info) at 2004-05-23 05:31:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can relate to this, so +2
Submitted by Socially_Distorted (user info) at 2004-05-23 03:36:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-05-23 03:16:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by schulte123 <red12345> at 2004-05-23 02:06:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like hobos but that was still funny
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-05-23 01:48:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahahaha
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-05-23 01:37:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A pity +2 because you only got 1 vote, which was your own.
Submitted by Fleet_Marshall_Badass (user info) at 2004-05-23 00:28:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
By the way, I was going to use the cardboard and show up looking all priest-like, but I'd already gotten settled in with the whole Jihad idea.
Badass.