Dodgeball, an Experiment in Natural Selection (1200 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 1.61 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Malone (View user info) at 2004-05-23 04:15:02 EDT
My fondest memories of gym class back in middle and high school have to involve playing dodge ball. I also have fond memories of a different kind surrounding when we got to swim. My freshman gym class had lots of upperclassman sophomore girls. At 14, this is all you can ever hope for. But I must digress as that topic is for another time perhaps.
Dodge ball is a marvelous game. I must explain the game for those of you who never got to play this in gym class or if you're a young one who's school system currently prohibits the game. Dodge ball is a simple game. Divide up the people present into two even teams, both in terms of number and physical makeup for the group. Both teams line up facing each other like Civil War armies. Throw in an inflated rubber ball slightly smaller than a basketball and it's game on! The object is to make someone on the other team cry. No that's not entirely true. I don't want to confuse things with "strategy" yet. The object is to throw the ball at an enemy player and hit them. When hit they are out and must go sit on the side like the wimp they are. If they catch the ball, YOU are out. Sit on the side and hang your head in shame while you reflect on how you have flabby arms and throw like a girl.
Let me give you a run down on how the typical dodge ball game goes in gym class:
1. Teams line up.
2. Winning toss up team gets ball.
3. The slaughter begins.
4. All fat kids are hit first. All fat kids are headhunted and get their glasses smashed. (Headhunting (v) the act of deliberately aiming the dodge ball at somebody's head. Will get you tossed by gym teacher if caught) Note: if caught headhunting the fat kid by the teacher, just shrug shoulders and ask "How could I miss it?" The teacher cannot argue this and you stay in the game.
5. Only cool people, geeks, and varsity girls are left standing.
6. All the nerds are targeted for a hit next. The only defense the nerd has is to catch the ball. Often the nerd cannot hold onto the recoil from the ball and falls on his ass.
7. Varsity girls slim down opposing numbers and are ultimately knocked out of the game.
8. Only football players, cool people and the class bully left. Cool people win.
That is how the game happens, each and every time.
Dodge ball has been discontinued in many school districts as part of gym class or recess. The reason behind this is too many pussy kids apparently get hurt, or they feel intimidated playing the game. To this I reply, "If you don't like getting knocked out in the first few throws, I suggest you grow a dick." Now it's not really the kids fault, I mean what kid likes losing so quickly at dodge ball each and every time? The issue is the parents to go to the school board and cry about how their kid got his glasses smeared in gym class because he isn't smart enough to duck.
You know what I call that? Stupidity.
What happens to stupid creatures in the wild? They are killed and eaten.
What's that called? Natural selection.
If your child is not able to consistently survive a dodge ball game it is my belief that they are cannon fodder for the world. This is what makes this game so unique; it's like a working microcosm of life in your high school gym class. Natural selection.
Don't get pissed. When I say cannon fodder you must consider that dodge ball is a test of reflex, and strength of the physical. It is not a game of the mental. It may be said that while people who win at dodge ball become great lovers, if trapped playing an AD&D game they cannot fathom how to properly use their +1 Elven boots or cast Bigby's Groping Hand.
I say dodge ball should be a vital part of every child's growing up, and every child's gym class. At its core, one can gleam much information about an individuals chance at life by observing their behavior in a dodge ball game. To hell with these pussy parents who piss and moan about how somebody can get hurt and how it's a violent game that has no place in school. Dodge ball can never be politically correct. It's FUN! Fun. They just don't get it.
User Reviews
Submitted by Eric_Rice (user info) at 2004-10-17 14:53:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-05-23 17:31:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by R.P.McMurphy (user info) at 2004-05-23 17:12:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the elimination of dodgeball in schools is a contributing factor to the pussification of America
Submitted by DenDen (user info) at 2004-05-23 17:10:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Yeh sure. All the "cool" people I knew in K-12 turned out to be the biggest losers as adults.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-05-23 17:02:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Gish (user info) at 2004-05-23 16:49:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think our P.E teacher was a sadist.
His version of dodgeball involved 3 balls, the throwing team stood anywhere around the outside of a 1/2 basketball court, the targets stayed inside. If the targets were real good at dodging he'd just keep on adding balls. The beauty of this game was there was no place to hide - if your worst enemy was on the other team ( and he always was, wasn't he )you could guarantee at least one shot to the back of the head that would knock you on your arse. Of course, the same was true when it was their turn in the middle. The winning team was chosen arbitrarily - usually based on the team with the least blood showing.
He was the only teacher I ever knew to play bullrush as a P.E lesson.
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-05-23 14:37:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Never played it, but it sounds like an excellent way of weeding out the worthless, and holding them up for ridicule. Splendid!
Submitted by dacygrl (user info) at 2004-05-23 13:29:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Apollo,
I believe Red Arse is similar to Aces Up.
You get in circle, juggle the soccer/football, if you miss, everyone gets to take a penalty shot at your ass.
I used to play with my older brother and his friends. Unless it was something he made up to torture me...
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-05-23 13:22:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You forgot the classic lob one ball up, and when the jackass thinks he is actually going to catch something you blast him with another ball.
Submitted by NavyJester (user info) at 2004-05-23 13:09:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dodgeball: Darwinism at its finest.
Right on, Malone!
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-05-23 11:59:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My dodgeball highlight is in one gym class I caught 13 dodgeballs, including one that bounced off my face and straight into the air, which I snacthed up. I can't thtow for shit, I left that for the throwers, but you can't sneak a dodgeball past me.
In dodgeball, there are 3 (4, kind of) types of player.
Worthless people- These people are the ones who will loft a ball 20 feet in the air to the other team's best remaining player when you're only minutes from victory. You need to make sure to push these people into oncoming dodgeball as soon as possible. However, keep the worthless ones on the other team in until late in the game, because if your troops run low you can always count on them to throw and easy one straight to you.
Throwers- These are usually the big kids in class who are too uncoordinated to catch but have an arm like a cannon. They're not always the most accurate, but you can be pretty damned sure no one's gonna catch the blisters they throw.
Catchers- These guys wait toward the back on the room and try to catch the ball. Usually they're smaller (like me) and would be eaten up on The Line but many hours of video gaming has increased their hand-eye coordination to that they'll catch most anything you give them a chancee too.
"The One"- Each team or class usually had one kid who was "The One." The only kid who was big enough to blast a ball through someone face but agile enough to catch a ball thrown at their nuts. These were the kids EVERYONE tried to get out first but they'd always jump over and duck under the balls. You could only get them out as they were offbalance from throwing a ball.
Malone, that's bad strategy getting the fat kids out first, you need them later in the game because when it's just them and the genuinely athletic kids, they start to think they ARE athletic and actually try to throw the ball, which will be a slow lob, and someone WILL catch it to let your team back in. It's that simple.
Submitted by CunningVision (user info) at 2004-05-23 11:51:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't wait to see the movie.
Good post.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-05-23 11:43:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
They outlawed dodgeball in my school district a while back. I'm still pissed off about that.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-05-23 11:38:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by simplychilled (user info) at 2004-05-23 07:41:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Come to think of it, I don't remember stages 1 and 2 - we just went straight into stage 3 ("the slaughter begins").
What was disturbing on reflection some years later is the neo-nazi Games teachers got a great deal of personal satisfaction (and maybe wood) at organising these type of activities. They loved to ensure that the fat kid or the one who hated playing any game got beat up. I don't remember any equality between teams, just the urgent need to injure and maim, at which point the teacher would make sure the fat kid felt a real wuss for curling up on the floor, holding his swollen testicles, with tears running down his cheeks.
Whilst the complimentary fat kid in any class would hate Games lessons, at least the teacher had a way of developing the "Lord of the Flies" instincts in the rest of us.
On reflection, character building, but the original post was right - complete slaughter...
This is the best post I've read for ages, and the reviews are just as good.
Submitted by DraconianKing (user info) at 2004-05-23 06:41:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a geek but I owned at dodgeball! I'd run around and gather balls and give them to the strong people! I was a good team player!
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-05-23 06:39:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"At its core, one can gleam much information..."
Isn't it glean, not gleam?
Anyway, I can rememebr something about british bulldog. I htink I didn't play it because I knew I'd get my ass kicked.
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2004-05-23 06:11:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I dunno about natural selection, but meh, this was +1 worthy for the post at least.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-05-23 06:07:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No!
It was a football game!
Honest.
Submitted by simplychilled (user info) at 2004-05-23 05:59:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-05-23 05:43:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
""""""""Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-23 05:36:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by simplychilled (user info) at 2004-05-23 05:19:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
Being English, I missed out on Dodgeball, but it sounds fuckin great for all the reasons you've listed. Natural selection... love it:-)
We had a similar excuse for regular beatings of the wimpy kids, called "British Bulldog", where again the objective was the make someone in the other team cry, or better still wet themselves.
----------------------------
Being Australian, we had a version of this called "Over Red Rover" (I'm assuming it's the game where you run across an open space and get the shit beaten out of you on the way) and Dodgeball.
We're tough as nails by the time we finish primary school. The only problem is when I see a group of kids running around I still have the urge to either A) Throw things at them, or B)clothesline them and punch them in the face.
It's interfering with my parenting. """""""""""
Both these respnses were funny as fuck!
As was the post.
We played British Bulldog. It hurt.
Did anyone ever play red arse?
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I have a feeling that was a different type of game altogether...
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-05-23 05:43:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
""""""""Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-23 05:36:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by simplychilled (user info) at 2004-05-23 05:19:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
Being English, I missed out on Dodgeball, but it sounds fuckin great for all the reasons you've listed. Natural selection... love it:-)
We had a similar excuse for regular beatings of the wimpy kids, called "British Bulldog", where again the objective was the make someone in the other team cry, or better still wet themselves.
----------------------------
Being Australian, we had a version of this called "Over Red Rover" (I'm assuming it's the game where you run across an open space and get the shit beaten out of you on the way) and Dodgeball.
We're tough as nails by the time we finish primary school. The only problem is when I see a group of kids running around I still have the urge to either A) Throw things at them, or B)clothesline them and punch them in the face.
It's interfering with my parenting. """""""""""
Both these respnses were funny as fuck!
As was the post.
We played British Bulldog. It hurt.
Did anyone ever play red arse?
Submitted by Lucifer_Industries (user info) at 2004-05-23 05:38:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
We're tough as nails by the time we finish primary school. The only problem is when I see a group of kids running around I still have the urge to either A) Throw things at them, or B)clothesline them and punch them in the face.
It's interfering with my parenting.
________________________________________________________________________
Hahaha Circe you kill me!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-23 05:36:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by simplychilled (user info) at 2004-05-23 05:19:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
Being English, I missed out on Dodgeball, but it sounds fuckin great for all the reasons you've listed. Natural selection... love it:-)
We had a similar excuse for regular beatings of the wimpy kids, called "British Bulldog", where again the objective was the make someone in the other team cry, or better still wet themselves.
----------------------------
Being Australian, we had a version of this called "Over Red Rover" (I'm assuming it's the game where you run across an open space and get the shit beaten out of you on the way) and Dodgeball.
We're tough as nails by the time we finish primary school. The only problem is when I see a group of kids running around I still have the urge to either A) Throw things at them, or B)clothesline them and punch them in the face.
It's interfering with my parenting.
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2004-05-23 05:26:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny, but I'm an exception to the rule. I've always been a nerd but often stayed in entire dodgeball games because I'm faster than hell.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-05-23 05:20:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by simplychilled (user info) at 2004-05-23 05:19:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Being English, I missed out on Dodgeball, but it sounds fuckin great for all the reasons you've listed. Natural selection... love it:-)
We had a similar excuse for regular beatings of the wimpy kids, called "British Bulldog", where again the objective was the make someone in the other team cry, or better still wet themselves.
The basic idea is at http://www.partydirectory.com/games/g002.htm but was far rougher when I was a kid, with at least one injury visit to the school nurse required per game.
Back to the point of the post, that's lousy that you had Dodgeball removed on the grounds of pussiness, but we had the same problems here in England. Sorry for link whoring here but have a look at the traditional schoolyard games that are no longer permitted in this country for "safety" reasons at http://www.readersdigest.co.uk/magazine/dangerous.htm No wonder kids are wusses.
By the way, loved the review comment:
Submitted by Socially_Distorted (user info) at 2004-05-23 04:36:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
dodgball was never replaced at my school, but then again, we had our own coroner.
goes to show how tough my school is.
Submitted by Fixer (user info) at 2004-05-23 05:01:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tells you a lot about your classmates when 2/3 of them hide in the back. Probably better for the majority that dodgeball isn't played. I had my fun though.
Submitted by Angrybeaver (user info) at 2004-05-23 04:54:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dodgeball was the school sport where I came from which turned out to be very beneficial.
There were several jr. highs, mine being the one for french education, then there was the pure english one, the base school, etc etc. Ours seemed to be the only school that played about an hour of official dodge ball every second day, and HOURS of it in our own schoolyard time.
Every school that is, except for the single high school.
When the time for "the merging" came, even the geeks in our school were like ninjas compared to the wimpy english and base kids. Nothing was more satisfying than seeing the wimpiest kid from your school slaughter the competition.
Couple quick tips:
Fat kids are big targets, but have big hands. They catch quite well.
People are more likely to try and catch something thrown at their head than at their knees.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-23 04:38:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-23 04:38:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shit sorry about last time
Submitted by Lucifer_Industries (user info) at 2004-05-23 04:37:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Chris Harrigan, a PE teacher in Oslo, Florida, whose district banned the game, says his students wanted to play. "Out of 500 students, 90 percent vote for dodgeball, and the remaining 10 percent don't want to be in PE," he said. Others, like Bill Bender of Nine Miles Falls, Washington, say that dodgeball is educational because it's a lot like life; "You look at the competition, you find the weakness in their presentation, and you exploit it."
And columnist Rick Reilly sees the elimination of dodgeball as nothing less than a national wimpification. "Dodgeball is one of the few times in life when you get to let out your aggressions, no questions asked. We don't need less dodgeball in schools, we need more!" As for those who complain about the game, Reilly says, "Personally, I wish all these people would go suck their Birkenstocks."
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Yes! Yes! Exactly!
taken from: http://people.bu.edu/greenbk/webquest%20pages/show_debate_or_toc.html
Submitted by Socially_Distorted (user info) at 2004-05-23 04:36:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dodgball was never replaced at my school, but then again, we had our own coroner.
goes to show how tough my school is.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-23 04:34:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Malone where is your witty response on my hate post? I totally expected one.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-05-23 04:29:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
O'Doyle Rules!
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-23 04:26:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know I was touched.
He did let the cat out of the bag on me being a fag tho.
:-(
Submitted by Lucifer_Industries (user info) at 2004-05-23 04:24:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks Mystia, and I'd be proud you got a hate post written about you and you've never even posted! That must be rare. That guy is a dipshit.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-23 04:19:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dodge ball is the bomb.
I loved dodge ball day.
I was always the last girl left fighting it out with the boys for the win.
Damn I had a high pain tolerance.