I'm Gonna Die, I Just Know It.. (1019 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:non-fiction
Rating: 1.56 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <feral_pet.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-05-23 10:11:15 EDT
(Sorry about the mispost, folks.)
----------------------
I'm getting on a plane in exactly seven weeks. Forty nine days. One thousand, one hundred, and seventy six hours. My first plane ride. (Conscious, anyway - there was a Flying Doctor thing once but I was in a coma for most of it and dead for a few minutes of it so it doesn't count.) I'm going to Europe. I'm going to spend ten glorious days with the love of my life in the Netherlands. I'm going to go to Amsterdam. (And you better believe my stoner brother is pissed about it too - I don't smoke pot. He sees it as a travesty, and a waste of a plane ticket. He wanted to go. When I explained that the whole purpose was to fuck my fiancé for ten days, he still wanted to go. Ladies and gentlemen, I present: My Brother. He will go down on a guy for the chance to be stoned somewhere
besides his own couch. Where was I? Oh, right...) It'll be the first time I've left the country. I'm going to die.
I can see it, as clear as the keyboard before me. I can feel the panic of being in a metal tube with wings and no way out. I can smell the melting plastic when the cockpit bursts into flame. I can imagine how the screaming will be as we plummet into the ocean. I've tried to pass it off as anxiety, or a phobia. (Not unlike the one I have about spiders. Or caterpillars. Or cheesesticks. Or my children.)
I've been told so many things by such helpful people. Helpful, helpful people. "It's just like riding in a bus." Well, no, it isn't. No bus I was ever in was thousands of feet in the air. And if the bus stopped working, I could get out and walk. No walking when the plane dies, nope. "You're more likely to die in your car than on a plane." Yes. Do you see me letting anyone else drive my car when I'm in it? No? Damn right you don't. "Realistically, the odds are infinitesimally small." They're a lot fucking higher than they would be if I didn't get on the plane.
I don't want to get on that plane. I'm terrified of getting on that plane. And yet, I've bought the tickets. I've applied for my passport. I've organised everything that needs to be organised in order for me to get on the plane, to fly for twenty hours. Every day that passes, every extraneous detail that's filed away under 'sorted', brings me closer and closer to the day of reckoning. I'm so sure it can only end badly. I'm not afraid of flying, I'm afraid of being dead.
When I walk into the airport, when I hand over my luggage, when I go upstairs to the boarding gate, will I be able to get on the plane? Take my seat, open a book, and forget that I'm no longer earthbound? Will I be able to eye stewardesses in complete calm and idly wonder if they've ever known the pleasures of girl on girl love? I don't know. I'm too pathetically shit-scared to think about it.
But I'm going to try.
User Reviews
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-12-10 16:16:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you should be dead by now
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-10 15:59:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ladies and gentlemen, I present: My Brother. He will go down on a guy for the chance to be stoned somewhere
---
Who wouldn't?
I mean..oh fuck it blowjobs for dimebags
Submitted by Tara <shelykitty.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-09-14 02:17:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Made me smile, good print, however, I have to agree...dont get on the plane. Your feelings are so strong it COULD be premonition.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:22:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SausageKing (user info) at 2004-05-25 01:08:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate flying too. I tend to get nice and juiced up in the airport bar so if the plane crashes I won't care as much.
Submitted by Rixes (user info) at 2004-05-23 19:47:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All the more reason to smoke pot. Also I'm glad someone else has a fear of cheesesticks besides me.
Submitted by bubbamoore (user info) at 2004-05-23 18:51:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I flew for my first time last year and it was great. don't worry bud you will be fine!
Submitted by disgruntled (user info) at 2004-05-23 18:39:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ok I might just be an adrenaline junkie, but this one time I was in an airplane, and it *ALMOST* crashed. Everyone was panicing, except for me. I was completely enjoying the turbulance and the bumpy ride in general.
As for you, I recommend a whole lot of valium and some alcohol (a dangerous combination, but it should sedate the hell out of you for quite some time). If that doesn't do the trick, take some sleeping pills before the flight and you'll be knocked out pretty good.
By the way, the only way to overcome your fears is to face them head on. Scared of heights? Go sky diving. Sure you'll feel like you're about to fucking die, but once you land on the ground safely, you'll realize it wasn't so bad afterall, because if it was *THAT* bad, you wouldn't be alive to think about it.
Face the fears, man! Enjoy the flight...
happy stoned times in Amsterdam (*GREAT* place!).
Submitted by DenDen (user info) at 2004-05-23 16:54:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-05-23 16:10:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It really will be fine. I know that my saying it doesn't really help, but it will be. Definitely talk to your doc and see if they can dope you up.
Good luck! It will be a great flight!
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-23 15:48:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't worry about it. The first time i flew i was so sure the plane was going to crash, that when i finally landed i was dissapointed that we didnt crash.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-05-23 15:28:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Let me just say, you'll to completely distracted by those hot little silky kimonos they make the stewardesses on Singapore Airlines wear to worry about it. And, if that's not enough, by three hours into the flight you'll be so fucking irritated by the 350-lb sweating man in the seat next to you who wants to talk to you about Jesus, and the couple with the three screaming children who have no languages in common with any of the stewardesses, that you'll be praying for death.
Just promise me that if your plane is going down, you'll use the little credit card phone in the back of the seat in front of you to have phone sex with me. It's not like it'll be very many of those $4.99 minutes, and how are they going to charge you, anyway?
Oh, and the +2 is how I can sleep at night, after that last remark...
Submitted by ninjatut (user info) at 2004-05-23 15:22:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ship
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-05-23 14:55:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I hate flying: see your doctor beforehand, and get 6mg Ativan for anxiety each way, plus 2 Zopiclone 7.5mg to knock you out for the majority of the time. Tell the stewardesses not to wake you up under any circumstances (expecially not to hand out complimentary bloody peanuts!) and all should be well. If you still find yourself conscious after that lot, a few drinks should set things straight - bingo.
Submitted by CunningVision (user info) at 2004-05-23 13:03:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was supposed to be a Plus 2. Damn.
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-05-23 13:00:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
One word: Valium
Submitted by KikUinTheOvaryBitch (user info) at 2004-05-23 12:58:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For my love of the ironic, I hope you do die
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2004-05-23 12:51:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
helpless and packed human tobacco in the fuselage. - chuck palahniuks vivid description of planes...
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2004-05-23 12:49:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
you could always swim
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-05-23 12:45:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yikes! Sorry, I knew that.
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-05-23 12:22:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You won't die.
Submitted by CunningVision (user info) at 2004-05-23 12:12:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My exgirlfriend felt the same way you do. I was living in Italy and it took all my persuasive power to get her fly my way.
They're still skimming the Atlantic for the bodies.
Submitted by Evilia (user info) at 2004-05-23 12:05:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck.
Submitted by Dufflady (user info) at 2004-05-23 11:31:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I can smell the melting plastic when the cockpit bursts into flame. I can imagine how the screaming will be as we plummet into the ocean"
That's pretty vivid...more like premonition but probably like you said, anxiety.
Just go to sleep, you'll be fine.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-23 11:23:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"New York (AP) - Circe killed in plane crash. He shouldn't have gotten on that plane! Just kidding, the plane is OK."
At the risk of post camping (and I'm not gonna do it again, I swear) I just had to point out that I'm a girl. I'm of the female persuasion...
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-05-23 11:09:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Like a person said below, but makes more sense:
The odds of getting in a car accident are something like 100,000 times greater than the odds of going down in a plane. If you knew how dangerous it is to get in a car and travel at 80mph, you'd know how safe it is to travel in a plane at 30,000 feet. There's less stuff up there. Just air, really. TRUST ME, AIRPLANES ARE ABSOLUTELY SAFE!
***Two days later***
PLANE GOES DOWN IN FIERY BLAZE!!
New York (AP) - Circe killed in plane crash. He shouldn't have gotten on that plane! Just kidding, the plane is OK.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-23 10:57:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
'The most it can do is delay it for a while'... God, I love that movie.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-05-23 10:44:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Of course you're gonna die.
Just probably not for a really long time.
Werd.
"Not even death can stop true love." ~ Wessley
Submitted by Fixer (user info) at 2004-05-23 10:32:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll always remember you, smoldering crater in the ground.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-23 10:31:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ainkara, he's sucking up all my probability! Every time he makes it home okay, it lessens my chances. It's pure logic, see?
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-23 10:30:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
naw you will be ok.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-05-23 10:22:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't worry sweety, you won't die. I can almost 100% maybe promise that.
Hehe, seriously though, don't stress so much. My dad flies a lot, and he's never been in a crash. So yeah...
Submitted by McMuffin (user info) at 2004-05-23 10:18:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're statistically more likely to die in a donkey stampede than in a plane crash.
You think otherwise?
Not my problem.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-23 10:16:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You won't die. Well... you might... but if you do, you won't feel a thing.
This right here is proof that people (even girls) will do ANYTHING if there is a chance they might get sex out of it.
Have fun with the sex, dear. Sucks about the flying part, though.