Exploiting Unfair Stereotypes One Step At a Time (2131 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.79 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <CatsCradle> (View user info) at 2004-05-23 12:16:50 EDT
So I was sitting there watching the tube the other day, thinking about what a classy dame Barbara Walters is, when I saw something that I found alarming. It was a commercial, an advertisement for the new Mach 3 razor from Gillette. Apparently, the latest innovation comes with a motor that somehow raises the hair (much like Barbara Walters raises my penis) in order for it to be cut.
But that's not all. A few months from now, rival manufacturers are poised to release the 5-blade razor - which shaves closer and closer until finally removing the uppermost layer of the epidermis. Band-Aids and replacement skin grafts not included. Shaving technology is truly on the cutting edge - ouch.
Simply scraping your face with a knife is not enough, oh no - YOU WILL SUBMIT TO THE 18 BLADE, SATELLITE TARGETED RAZOR.
It's like these new diets people keep coming up with - they just WON'T STOP. First we had, "Eat less, exercise more". Simple enough, right? I can eat less and exercise more. But now we have evolved that into the latest diet variation, which involves throwing away the food and only eating the packaging it comes in. Invest in toilet paper stocks now.
My personal diet plan is this - move to the Moon, that way you'll automatically lose 7/8s of your body weight and can still drink all the Yoohoos you want.
Part of the reason I don't welcome all these new innovations is because they make it harder for a man to feel like a man ( the other part is that for the most part they are impartially fucking retarded).
There's something manly about scraping away at your Adam's apple with a dull machete. Dangerous as well, but manly nonetheless.
There's nothing manly at all about watching Lifetime with a box of Kleenex positioned strategically close to your chair, drinking a diet Root Beer (diet Root Beer?), eating no fat, no carb, no trans fat, no sugar, no salt, no microscopic trace of any semblance of flavor whatsoever popcorn while thinking about what to get your wife for your bi-annual anniversary.
Let's face it, guys are losing their inspiration to be guys. We have nothing to turn to to remind us of our barbaric, primeval, chest thumping , butt slapping ways (purerly platonic of course).
I turned on the radio the other day hoping to hear some good music. Something like Ac-Dc. Something with some heavy guitar solos and a lot of fast paced rhetoric about being hardcore followed by an emphatic "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!". There's nothing like a good "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!".
So what did I get? I got this:
I'm sorry... I'm not perfect... I'm not a jock like all the other guyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyys... (cue bass strumming same chord 5 times in the background)
I like to skate... I don't have a letter jacket but I have a skateboooooooooooaaaaaarddd...
(strumming bass)
I saw you in home room... I ruined the new underwear my mom bought me.... so here I go...
(upbeat drum roll)
Got my first pube.. plucked it in home room.. but I still don't see why I didn't make the football teeaaaaaaam...
(CHORUS)
I'm just a teen... still am not weened... Did not make the team... And I dislike my spleen!
(10x followed by more clique focused quasi nostalgic crap about not getting the girl of the dreams then going home and masturbating with your buddy from the skate park)
And on and on and on till I felt like I had just heard every single expression of teen angst compressed in a 3 minute clip. Since when has teen angst replaced "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" ?
I see this crap all the time on MTV (When I watch tv, which is rare, because Barbara Walters is on ABC). Some little pre -pubescent bitch with a t-shirt that says "Anti Abercrombie!" or some similar neo non conformist bullshit with skinny arms and nineteen undershirts so he'll look big, long unkempt hair where lice have not only found residence but also started their own theme park and a wash off tattoo of a four leaf clover on his comparatively massive jerk off forearms is whining into the microphone with a constipated look on his face about how hard it is to be a twenty something bitching and moaning about being a teen something when really all the bitching, complaining, and otherwise wasting of oxygen all amounts to absolutely nothing.
And they always have stupid names too, these 'bands'. 'Uptown Ragamuffins'. 'One Sugar, No Cream' . 'No Time for a Haircut'. These are but a few names, which although I haven't actually heard in use, sound perfect for these musical ensembles.
Newsflash: No one cares about teen angst. No one. Except for teens. But no one cares about teens either.
And you know what half of these little bastards need? A razor. A quintuple bladed Mach 17 razor to shave off that scruffy, half blonde, half dark blonde growth on the very tip of their pimpled chin.
"But that's my goatee man!"
"More like a dainty sprig of parsley is growing on your face, asshole."
This is what young men face growing up in the world. These are their role models.
And when these kids grow up, they'll all be whiny 30 something metrosexuals who enjoy bottled water and a pleasant afternoon at Starbucks on poetry night listening to some 16 year old anguished jackass voicing his concerns over the declining habitat for koala bears.
It's a vicious, full, and soon to be ovulating circle that encompasses every human being and is threatening to turn every male in the Western Hemisphere into an eggshell walking, soft handed pussy, who doesn't shave his face but shaves his balls instead because he doesn't use them anyway.
In conclusion, if you're wanting to invest in Diet Root beer stock, now is the time.
User Reviews
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2005-01-02 23:32:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I officially resurrect this post and nominate it for BAW, because I'm an egotistical prick.
Submitted by tomato-soup (user info) at 2004-10-08 17:25:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
stereotypical retardedness
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-10-08 17:14:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Since when has teen angst replaced "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" ?
well said
Submitted by Soley_Trinity <surfeit> at 2004-09-12 22:14:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Top rant.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-12 22:03:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kiketta (user info) at 2004-07-21 16:41:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny, and dare I say, true (or at least feasible). Rock on!
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-07-21 16:29:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by drstrangedhruv (user info) at 2004-07-19 17:41:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For some reason I hadn't rated this.
Submitted by HatMan (user info) at 2004-07-18 15:12:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck yeah, man!! This is total BAW material.
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-07-13 10:38:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, plus two. Seriously. That ending was j33t.
Also, I use that shaver. The Mach 3 Turbo. But I'm still a man, because I lubricate my face with liquidated fetuses instead of shaving cream. Also, the instructions are helpful in showing beginners how to get the thing moving at three times the speed of sound. It takes some practice. A word to the wise: don't shave your balls with a vibrating razor moving at three times the speed of sound. EVAR.
Not that I would know anything about that.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-07-01 20:35:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I still think Avril Lavigne looks hot in her new video.
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-05-31 23:54:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A quintuple bladed Mach 17 razor
-----------------------------
I have the prototype of that razor... it's project name is "operation shave your balls"
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2004-05-27 13:54:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cue manly primal grunt:
UUUGHHH!
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-05-26 21:36:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like that razor...
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2004-05-26 21:34:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was a solid fucking Rant.
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-05-26 21:15:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
amen to that brutha
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-05-24 02:36:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Diet Root Beer? They don't make diet root beer!! God save us!
Submitted by kerthwap (user info) at 2004-05-24 02:25:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes! Rage! Fuel the inferno!
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-05-24 01:56:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet Jesus, you're a god of rant.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2004-05-23 19:49:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You sir, are the undisputed king of the rant.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-05-23 18:11:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2004-05-23 17:36:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-05-23 16:23:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wonderful ranting and raving.
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-05-23 16:20:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Peter: The deep south? Isn't that the place where the black guys are really lazy and all the white guys are just as lazy but they're mad at the black guys for being so lazy?
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-05-23 16:09:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love Cats.
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-05-23 15:04:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mothyham (user info) at 2004-05-23 14:14:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
because you are sexually attracted to baba wawa
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-05-23 13:36:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-05-23 13:12:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yup
Submitted by Dufflady (user info) at 2004-05-23 13:11:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Submitted by DarthAwesome (user info) at 2004-05-23 13:07:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well done
Submitted by hockyman (user info) at 2004-05-23 13:03:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good.
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2004-05-23 12:55:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was poetry in motion
Submitted by CunningVision (user info) at 2004-05-23 12:41:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now THAT was a fucking rant.
Initiate Jealousy Mode.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2004-05-23 12:39:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
must. not. give. +2. this. time. aaaagagaggagaggggggghhhhh. cant stop hand. from giving +2. or type at normal rate.
Submitted by UltraJesus4000 (user info) at 2004-05-23 12:34:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well said
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-05-23 12:33:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-05-23 12:32:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a teen. =(
I know what you mean about that music where all they do is complain. FUCK THAT. I listen to music where people don't just complain the whole time. It's better than way.
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-05-23 12:27:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And another.
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-05-23 12:27:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'No Time for a Haircut'
Oh god, this was great.
+2 for you.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-05-23 12:21:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations on BAW. I didnt read this, but I suppose I will when its on there.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-23 12:19:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wooooooooooooooooot
This rocked!
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-05-23 12:19:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF? I'm confused as all hell now, so +2.
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2004-05-23 12:17:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hooray for me.