Sharp objects, Testicles, and Women (1456 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.78 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Marty Rainer <RainerGamer1423.at.cs.com> (View user info) at 2004-05-25 00:23:35 EDT
To give you a little background on the subject at hand, I am a soon-to-be-Sophomore. Still reading? Damn. I, like every other hot blooded male at my age, have a hunger for sex.
So. Throughout my first year in high school, I have gotten acquainted with quite a few girls. The bad part of this being the fact that I live in a predominantly (99%) Christian, uptight town where everyone has the same morals: No sex 'til marriage. Did I mention I hate this town?
One of these girls I have been with is going to be a Senior next year, and she's one of four total that I have a chance of scoring with. She has my phone number as of today, and I know she wants me.
So, today after I awoke from my coma in Literature, I decided that for this special occasion, I would shave my Netherlands. Now, I've had some pretty fucking stupid ideas before (Making your own Jackass movie, anyone?), but this one takes the cake.
When I got home, I put off everything for the day to make this flawless. Lucky me.
First off, I have a one-bladed razor, and an electric razor. The electric barely shaves my face, so I didn't even try plunging it into the great beyond. This brought me to my second choice, the razor. Everyone who knows me knows that I am about as cheap as they come, and I don't spend money on anything. Anything. I now regret the decision that I made, early in my childhood, to be as frugal a person as there ever was.
Razors, apparently, were not designed to be used as a lawnmower, as I now know. Not only did I break 3 of my Bic (Yes, Bic razor) razors, but I clogged the shower drain. Perfect.
I also know never to buy a Hy-Top brand of shaving cream ever, ever, ever again, even if it is labeled "Sensitive Skin." For those of you unfamiliar with Hy-top brand products, they are the same as high priced items, without the fancy brand name and thus making them cheaper (Think Abercrombie & Fitch - Bugle Boy). Sensitive Skin, my ass.
I don't know where to start. First, I learned never to put sharp objects anywhere near my balls. This couldn't have possibly ended well, but me, being the genius I am, threw caution to the shower walls, and it came back and bit me in the balls. And made them bleed.
Next, I decided to remove the razor from the proximity of my 'nads. Good idea #1. I proceeded to shave regularly, and it didn't feel strange at first. Then, the razor went over a pimple or something that was embedded underneath the forest. Good idea #2. I cannot describe the pain I undertook from this event in text, so you can just imagine while you read.
After all this, I was pretty much done (and writhing in pain on the shower's floor). I went to the mirror to check the sexiness of my work. I was the next da Vinci.
Then, I looked down.
Objects in mirror may appear neater than they actually are. I had stubs of hair where it once grew thick, and just putting on my boxers made me itch like a veteran street masseuce. Great.
As I was contemplating suicide, I remembered something. There was a full bottle of aftershave lying on my shelf! I put two and two together: "If it's afterSHAVE, and I just SHAVED my pocket rocket, this is obviously the best way to stop the itching and eliminate the stubs!"
What I failed to read, however, was that this aftershave contained Aloe Vera.
Lesson learned from this act of stupidity: Aloe Vera, when applied on cuts, stings like a motherfucker.
Whilst rubbing myself gratuitously with the aftershave, I inadvertently put some of the Aloe Vera infested shit on my cut, which was located....ding ding ding, on my ballsack.
Let me describe this pain for you: Do you remember that post about the baby calf monkey-stomping (hahaha) some dude in the nuts? Okay, let's replace baby calf with bull, and that's the pain I felt. I screamed in pain, my mom came in, and we had a very fun awkward moment. Apathy is a great quality.
After all of this (2 hours of work), I sit here, on my computer chair that my fat aunt broke, typing this to the Uber community for no reason whatsoever aside from the fact that I need a reminder. A reminder to make sure that I never shave my fun area again, unless I have an electric razor.
Lessons learned from all of this? Aloe Vera is bad for the environment, Bic needs to stick to pens, and I need a de-hormonification pill.
And if I don't get any from this chick, someone's going to feel the wrath of the one eyed monster that is my pocket poolstick.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be chloroforming myself to sleep tonight.
User Reviews
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-10-22 07:10:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Rainer (user info) at 2004-05-25 17:03:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by shadowdragon (user info) at 2004-05-25 00:38:36 (#)
Ranking: 1
The problem with freshmen is that they let hormones take over for brain cells. Hormones are kinda like really really drunk drivers. It's a little more important to not cut your balls off than to use them.
You're a fucking freshmen. Stop worrying about sex that much.
What the fuck made you think it was a good idea in the first place?
good post though.
------
Yeah, I know you're right about the hormones, and quite frankly, I don't care. Hormones rock and deserve their own cheering section.
And the freshman thing: If 6th graders can, I can. :)
And why would you ask what made me do it?! She looks like a model, she's a virgin, and she's 18. I'd do just about anything, heh.
Ahhh, hormones.
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2004-05-25 07:34:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
http://www.ubersite.com/m/34106
Nob End?
Submitted by simplychilled (user info) at 2004-05-25 07:28:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I feel your pain
Submitted by heyzues (user info) at 2004-05-25 07:18:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I may have some advice.
I have been a long time shaver of the nether regions, because of this rule I have about the hair on my body not being longer than the hair on my head(I buzz the hair on my head every week).
After a while you'll get used to it, just start doing it every other day. Don't use a Mach 3, because the point of the Mach 3 is a close shave, when shaving that area a close shave can be a bad thing. Most importantly TAKE YOUR TIME.
Submitted by melkorthedelerious (user info) at 2004-05-25 04:36:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
My first experience with this was recent as well.
I wasn't stupid enough to not realize that the long hair needed to come off first,though I had learned this lesson a mere two weeks before when I decided to sacrafice my two years of head hair to the clipper).
I knew better than to use a single blade, I won't touch my face with anything less than a mach 3, why would I let the boys suffer anything worse.
Didn't make myself bleed much, just a few nicks due to the strange angles.
However, I did decide to use some good old fashioned high alcohol Adidas aftershave. Picture the little brat in Home alone except a senior in college, and holding his nutsack for dear life.
I left the window open all night and didn't need any covers: the heat still eminating from my pissed off gonads kept me quite painfully toasty all night.
I would like to ask anyone though, what the hell do you do about razor burn down there? just wait for it to go away and look like you have herpes for half a week?
Submitted by ugaly (user info) at 2004-05-25 01:53:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You tried too hard to be funny
Submitted by Guy (user info) at 2004-05-25 01:25:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I tried this once myself, but I used the long hair setting on the electric razor just to get it all down so it would be easier to shave. I didn't cut myself or anything (although I left the nutsack well enough alone because I knew it would be bad news if I even tried.) Really there was no point though... if a girl's going to have sex with you, she's going to do it hair or not. Don't be someone's bitch until you're going out with them.
Submitted by thekaleidoscope (user info) at 2004-05-25 00:54:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If you decide to try shaving south again, I would recommend the Mach 3 Turbo razors. They may be slightly expensive, but they are definitely a lot safer than disposable razors. I use them when I need to shave and they are awesome. I haven't nicked my legs or anywhere since I've started using them 2 years ago.
~ Nette
Submitted by NAKEDMAMMAL (user info) at 2004-05-25 00:51:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
one of my ex girlfriends made me shave my goods when i was drunk. i hate her.
Submitted by shadowdragon (user info) at 2004-05-25 00:38:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The problem with freshmen is that they let hormones take over for brain cells. Hormones are kinda like really really drunk drivers. It's a little more important to not cut your balls off than to use them.
You're a fucking freshmen. Stop worrying about sex that much.
What the fuck made you think it was a good idea in the first place?
good post though.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-25 00:37:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, I cut myself sometimes too haha. Not my balls, never there.
Do NOT I repeat do NOT use an electric razor, they just suck. I've never got a good shave on my face let alone anywhere else with one. I just use a three bladed cheap disposeable razor.. Make sure and use a somewhat new one or you'll cut yourself up alot.. but uh yeah.
your lesson learned should be -never be cheap.
oh, and its easier once you get rid of that jungle mass of hair.
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-05-25 00:33:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Disektor recommeneds buying a blow-up doll. Just don't try to shave her, she'll pop.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-25 00:28:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great title, good story, well written...
This is what a first post should look like.
-Random Joe