Mommy Told Me Not to Listen to the Voices (1098 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.52 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Envenom (View user info) at 2004-05-25 09:00:06 EDT
I was driving down the road, minding my business and jamming my tunes, when suddenly a voice spoke to me...
"I know what you've been doing."
"Holy shit!!! Who said that??" Startled, I swerve to avoid a ditch all the while looking around for the owner of the voice.
" I did."
"Who the fuck are you?" Better yet, where the fuck are you?"
"I am God, and I am everywhere."
"Jesus man, you shouldn't sneak up on people like that. I nearly wrecked my car."
"Nothing I couldn't fix. After all, I am God."
"So to what do I owe the pleasure?"
" You've been doing something you shouldn't have, haven't you Christopher?"
"Could you be a little more specific?"
"You've been masturbating and thinking about your cousin again, haven't you?"
"How the fuck did you know that?"
"I know everything. I am God, and I am omnipotent."
"Well could you tell me who's going to win the Western Conference Finals? I'm broke as fuck and if I knew the underdogs were going to win out I could really clean up."
"I'm here to talk about your cousin."
"Yeah, that bitch is fine, isn't she."
"You shouldn't masturbate and think about your cousin."
"Look, if you didn't want me to masturbate to her you shouldn't have made her so damn fine. Those green eyes, tanned skin, and those long, long legs leading up to what I can only imagine is the tightest little..."
"CHRITOPHER!"
"What? It's not like she's my real cousin. She's my cousin by marriage, and she's hot as hell!"
" Um....yes, she is fine, but since she is as you so eloquently put it, hot as HELL, you better be careful, or that's where you're going to end up."
"Why should I listen to you?"
"Because I am God, and I gave you life."
"Gee I don't know, my mom gave me life and she told me not to listen to the voices."
"I really don't think that's what she meant. You must stop masturbating to your cousin or be damned for all eternity"
"But she's not even my real cousin??"
"What your uncle doesn't know is that he and his wife were twins separated at birth."
"You mean he's..."
"That's right Christopher, he's banging his sister."
"Wow, that's fucked up. Jerry Springer, eat your heart out. So wait, shouldn't you be visiting him then?"
"It's too late, what's done is done. They have a happy family now. It's best not to intervene. This is just damage control."
"Wait a minute, so she's the spawn of a brother and sister? But she's so fine. Shouldn't she have like two heads and one brain cell or something?"
"No, that's a myth. More often than not, the ones you humans consider to be beautiful are the product of inbreeding."
"You mean Cindy Crawford?"
"Yes"
"Jessica Alba?"
"Yes"
"Halle Berry?"
"Oh God yes, her family's been banging each other silly for generations."
"Oh, I see."
"Why the long face?"
"The world as I knew it is crumbling before me. Next you're going to tell me my girlfriend used to be a man."
"Well, I was saving that for later but since you mentioned it..."
"WHAT?!#$!? Ok, please excuse me while I go kill myself."
"Ha ha ha, just kidding."
"What kind of sick joke is that supposed to be?"
"You humans think I have no sense of humor. How else do you explain M.A.S.H.?"
"Yeah, that Hawkeye was pretty funny. But wait, you're just trying to change the subject. I'm still pissed at you."
"But why Christopher?"
"All these rules. Don't smoke weed. Don't bludgeon your co-worker with a stapler. Don't masturbate to your cousin. When will the madness end?"
"I didn't say anything about not smoking weed."
"Are you sure? I could swear you did."
"Perhaps I did to fuck with you and forgot. After all, I'm high as a motherfucker."
"So it's OK to be a motherfucker, just not a cousinfucker, huh?"
"Um yes...something like that."
"So I can't masturbate to my cousin anymore?"
"Well, maybe just once more."
"Gee thanks God, you sure are swell."
"Just be quick about it. And try not to get anything on the couch this time. I'm tired of you laughing every time one of your friends comes over and unknowingly sits on a cum stain."
User Reviews
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-23 23:24:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of all ass. ALL ASS, I SAY. Including your cousin's fine, fine ass.
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-08-23 23:05:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck, I forgot what this post was.
Have a +2 because I'm an idiot.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-08-23 23:01:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-08-23 22:49:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"CHRITOPHER!"
Sounds like God has a lisp or something.
Submitted by Wish_I_Were (user info) at 2004-08-23 22:36:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm always afraid that when I go to a guy's house, I'll sit in a big ol' splotch of dried jizz.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-04 14:27:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's horrible what I think is good.
Submitted by Stressedexonian (user info) at 2004-06-14 22:27:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was good. I laughed. A lot.
Submitted by gbusman (user info) at 2004-06-14 19:08:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awful. Terrible. Sacreligious. Funny as shit.
-Bus
Submitted by cwl989 (user info) at 2004-06-14 15:59:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YES.
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-06-14 11:27:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-05-25 15:22:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
heh
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2004-05-25 14:59:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad. You made me smile.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-25 14:30:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn, can I get some hits? WTF? I haven't had a post get this few hits in a long, long time. Heloooooooooooo out there! Where is everyone today?
Submitted by iamhewhoisnot (user info) at 2004-05-25 12:43:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damn funny
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-05-25 12:36:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
whody
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-05-25 12:13:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
funnee
Submitted by spacemonkey (user info) at 2004-05-25 11:16:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
holy shit, pretty funny.
I always knew god smoked the gonga.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-05-25 10:06:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Very funny
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-25 09:38:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by indigogecko (user info) at 2004-05-25 09:26:36 (#)
Ranking: 1
It's in bad taste but.. it was funny.
______________________________________________________________________
My most controversial piece to date. Well OK, maybe not more controversial than "It's OK to be Gay, Just Not Super Gay," but close. It was fun to write.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-05-25 09:33:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
volcanos are the bongs of the gods.
Submitted by dohnuts (user info) at 2004-05-25 09:28:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Halle Berry?"
"Oh God yes, her family's been banging each other silly for generations."
----------------------------------
AhHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa!
Submitted by indigogecko (user info) at 2004-05-25 09:26:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It's in bad taste but.. it was funny.
Submitted by LadyPlural at 2004-05-25 09:23:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*smirk*
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-05-25 09:20:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
After all, I'm high as a motherfucker
------------------------
That
was
funny.
+2 like a motherfucker.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-25 09:15:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I laughed.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-05-25 09:11:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Too much dialogue...
Submitted by BalloonKnot (user info) at 2004-05-25 09:06:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Balloon Knot has spoken!
Submitted by BalloonKnot (user info) at 2004-05-25 09:06:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment