Guidelines for a national crisis (792 hits)
Category: PoliticsRating: 1.64 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (View user info) at 2004-05-25 18:08:28 EDT
When the nuclear apocalypse comes, will you be more prepared than my mother?
Sadly, this is doubtful. My mother, though normally not a paranoid woman, has taken to the unnerving habit of hoarding extremely unusual items.
For example, in our guest room, there is a dresser. From the outside, it appears normal, but oh no. What is inside the dresser you ask? Maybe water, or flashlights?
Close, but no dice.
Panty hose. There are literally over one hundred pairs of panty hose in this dresser; specifically set aside for the purpose of hoarding said item. My parents do not have a strange fetish; my mother is honestly in fear of not owning enough panty hose to "get by". Perhaps in the event of being cut off from panty hose supplies after a nuclear war, or other incident. You know, just in case.
Similarly, she has taken to hoarding Breyer's vanilla ice cream. There are currently over ten gallons of vanilla ice cream in her freezer, for two people. If this nuclear war did come, surely the first thing one couldn't do without would be panty hose, but vanilla ice cream would run a very close second place.
This, in combination with the Office of Homeland Security's call for duct tape and Kleenex, got me thinking. What is it that our nation and our good citizens need most in the event of such a time of crisis? The following items listed below should be stockpiled and inventoried at suitable levels for each home. You don't want to be unprepared when doomsday comes, do you?
So here, without further ado, are the top five things that no family should be without when crisis hits this nation:
1. Risk. This highly addictive game is not just a game. Wouldn't they like you to think that (you may commence shifting your eyes in suspicion at this point). Keeping every household supplied with two or three games of risk is of the essence and will please both the bored occupants waiting for nuclear winter to be over, and the government, satisfied. That's right, even the Office of Homeland Security would endorse this move. When we emerge from our shelters, and the land is barren, total chaos will ensue unless us superior American and Canadian citizens duke it out for control of the planet. Risk builds much needed practice in this area. Honestly, when was the last time you tried to take over the world?
2. Ubersite. Self explanatory.
3. Peeps and twinkies. These exquisite foods belong to the same category. If you have peeps, you are never alone. The little Eastery buggers have a mind of their own. Peeps and twinkies will never, ever, ever disintegrate or go bad (says Family Guy, and come on here, common sense). If you can't emerge from your shelter for years, you can always be content to live off of half a century old peeps and twinkies. The sugar fed generation that we breed will be infinitely superior to anything those dirty French can throw at us. Toss some Doritos in there while you're at it.
4. Nail clippers. Since they always take them away from you at the airport, there has to be some important, dangerous, and essential task that nail clippers can perform, beyond clipping nails that is. Maybe break into safes, or gouge out someone's eyes. You never know.
5. Barry Manilow. THE SHOWMAN OF OUR TIME.
Uh...kidding of course...
GO! NOW! Buy all of this! I was not in any way endorsed by Risk, the nail clipper industry, ubersite, or Barry Manilow, though I can't say the same for those fucking twinkie people. Okay fine, maybe Barry Manilow paid me off too.
But still, YOUR COUNTRY DEPENDS ON YOU!
May the force, will of god, US government, or whatever floats your boat, be behind you in your endeavor to save the world and your family.
Oh yeah, don't forget the panty hose.
User Reviews
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-30 13:07:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-05-29 15:35:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
‹^› ‹(•¿•)› ‹^›
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-05-29 15:32:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have never actually finished a game of Risk, not without getting bored and losing on purpose, or cheating. One of my friends has actually said he will never play another game of Risk as long as he lives; once he played games lasting upwards of 12 hours. (how????)
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-05-29 15:18:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You know, I'd really like to feel you sleeping naked next to me.
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2004-05-26 02:29:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i would have to have a will smith cd. he raps happy.
-Black Ninja
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-05-26 00:55:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Peeps...ugh.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-05-26 00:07:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Your mother smells of elderberries!
Submitted by FearBenzene (user info) at 2004-05-25 23:25:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
decent
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-05-25 22:57:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh wow, yah.
I am personally very against the death penalty, and so I have trouble criticizing mumia so much because I know so many people uphold him as an example of why the death penalty is bad.
But they are doing it for the WRONG REASON.
If anyone can be the poster child for why death penalty is wrong, find someone who is probably innocent.
They aren't convincing anyone with mumia, because he's probably guilty.
They picked him as their poster child (they being those behind mumia, as against the death penalty) because he is middle class, intelligent, educated, and highly articulate/well spoken.
WRONG REASONS.
At the same time, he has many interesting things to say, such as the quote I pasted below from an album by an astounding political rapper (and I normally hate rap), Immortal Technique.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-05-25 22:53:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What I don't like about Mumia is that he tries to portray himself as some kind of political prisoner. That he was railroaded onto Death Row because he was black/radical/made 'The Man' unconfortable, etc. He's got the whole 'look at me, I'm a martyr' complex that leftists do so well, even when nobody is actually persecuting them.
Newsflash, buddy: You're not in jail because you're being made an example of by 'The Man' to keep the oppressed proletariat in line, you're in jail because you shot and killed a police officer.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-05-25 22:48:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Exactly.
AJ, are you laughing at me?
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-05-25 22:40:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Now, do you feel safer now? Do you think you will any time soon? Do you think duct tape and Kleenex and color codes will make you safer?
From death row,
Mumia Abu Jamal"
....................................................................................
You know something Squirrel This quote was reflective of the Hip Hop generation.
Now check out this concert review of one Ted Nugent.
"There's a large portion of America that shares Nuge's typically unfettered, almost blind patriotism. "We're celebrating the victory in Iraq" he proclaimed before "Wango Tango" and bragged, "There ain't no such thing as a French cowboy!" He should tour with the USO. "I love when Americans kill assholes!" he added before playing "Raw Dogs, War Hogs." The relatively new song "Kiss My Ass" was dedicated to fellow Americans the Dixie Chicks and also mentioned a not so surprising disdain for Jesse Jackson and Janet Reno. At one point, the Motor City Madman donned a bow and arrow, aiming across the stage. A Saddam Hussein life-sized cutout dangled in effigy. The mock dictator's reign was ended by a shot from Nugent...directly in the heart. Favorites "Cat Scratch Fever" and "Stranglehold" stirred the crowd into a frenzy .The closing cover of the national anthem was typically overstated. As he left the stage, he raised an assault rifle in one hand and a guitar in the other. With an unapologetic and devilish smile, he yelled, "This is my American dream!""
I am not sure I would not be feeling a bit insecure around the Motor City Madman either. Sounds a bit Waco to me...
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-05-25 22:36:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-05-25 22:12:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
He did shoot a police officer, but I'll get my advice from people with intelligent things to say, thank you very much.
Which includes you.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-05-25 22:06:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
**running socks - the good ones because I get blisters
swiss army knife - see above**
I'll admit that I'm not the most outdoorsy person in the entire world (my idea of a long hike with a loaded pack is carrying two beers from one smoke-filled room to another) but how do you get blisters from a Swiss Army knife?
I'm right there with X-Files DVD's though. I've got the entire series collected.
As far as quotes from Mumia Abu Jamal go...I think I'll get my advice from people who DON'T shoot police officers.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-05-25 20:57:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just so you don't miss him here ya go Squirrel
http://www.manilow.com/
1. Mandy
2. Could It Be Magic
3. I Write The Songs
4. Copacabana (At The Copa)
5. Can't Smile Without You
6. Weekend In New England
7. It's A Miracle
8. Trying To Get The Feeling Again
9. I Made It Through The Rain
10. Let's Hang On
11. Somewhere In The Night
12. The Old Songs
13. You're Looking Hot Tonight
14. Even Now
15. Ready To Take A Chance Again
16. Bermuda Triangle
17. Looks Like We Made It
18. Strangers In The Night
19. One Voice
20. Who Needs to Dream
Now I just need to disinfect my monitor!!!!
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-05-25 20:30:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-05-25 19:53:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
‹^› ‹(•¿•)› ‹^›
Sorry, I just like using that.
Fuck you Sideburns, I know I stole it from you.
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That's awesome
Submitted by Tenyuki (user info) at 2004-05-25 20:19:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I hate peeps.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-05-25 20:03:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
NOTHING BEATS RISK!!
That game is so addictive...if you start, they'll have you playing forevevevevever.
Just thinking about it breaks my brain.
GAHHAHH.
Ahem.
And damn method, that's some clever stuff. I'm stealing that from you now.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-05-25 20:02:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Buggered if I know what I would stock up on. I guess I just aren't paranoid enough.
Oh yeah oil paint and canvas. I guess I won't be able to sell the product but it sure beats playing Risk.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-05-25 19:53:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
‹^› ‹(•¿•)› ‹^›
Sorry, I just like using that.
Fuck you Sideburns, I know I stole it from you.
Submitted by Rixes (user info) at 2004-05-25 19:40:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Twinkies and Risk, good times.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-05-25 19:35:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd get a really badass bow and some arrows. You can use that over and over again to hunt for food in the wild. Do you know how hard it is to make a good hunting bow? Try reading The Hatchet. Not only does that book rock, but it teaches you how weak and helpless modern society is.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-05-25 19:24:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My grandmother kept a cabinet full of batteries and a locked box about the size of a computer monitor.
Submitted by My_dixie_wrecked (user info) at 2004-05-25 18:57:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Didn't laugh. Peeps suck. zero.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-05-25 18:56:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually I totally agree with you Herpes, this was a spoofy sorta thing.
Some words to ponder:
"To think about the origins of Hip Hop in this culture, and also about homeland security, is to see that there are, at the very least, 2 worlds in America. One of the well to do, and another of the struggling. For, if there was ever an absence of homeland security, it is seen in the gritty roots of Hip Hop. For the music arises from the generation that feels with, SOME justice, that they have been betrayed by those who came before them; that they are, at best, tolerated in schools, feared on the streets, and almost inevitably destined for the hell holes of prison. They grew up hungry, hated, and unloved. And this is the psychic fuel that generates the anger that seems indemic in much of the music and poetry. One senses very little hope above the personal goals of wealth, to climb above the pit of poverty. In the broader society, the opposite is true, for here, more than ANY other place on earth, wealth is so wide spread and so bountiful that what passes for the middle class in America, could pass for the upper class in most of the rest of the world. Their very opulence and relative wealth makes them insecure and homeland security is a governmental phrase that is as oxymoronic, as crazy, as say, Military Intelligence, or the US Department of Justice. They're just words that have very little relationship to reality. Now, do you feel safer now? Do you think you will any time soon? Do you think duct tape and Kleenex and color codes will make you safer?
From death row,
Mumia Abu Jamal"
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-25 18:55:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-05-25 18:51:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Screw that. Solid +2.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-05-25 18:43:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Toilet roll. Silky smooth.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-05-25 18:37:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why be prepared?
Question: If the world you know was about to be a barren wasteland, and you had to spend all your time scraping up the few living bugs in the area for food, why the hell would you even want to survive the nuclear attack?
Fuck that shit. I'd rather die than live life like some of the survivors of Hiroshima did.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-05-25 18:25:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When the big one hits, rest assured that I will be THE hookup for Lance reduced fat peanut butter crackers. It's not my fault, my best friend works in the corporate office and get a discount.
Also, if I knew say half an hour ahead of time I would stock up on:
running socks - the good ones because I get blisters
swiss army knife - see above
sunscreen
lighters - he he he can't have enough lighters and hey if you need to you can use them to build a fire
X-Files dvd's
dental gum
zingers - I just like saying it, they are quite nasty really - maybe I could use them in trade
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-05-25 18:16:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks, I think.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-05-25 18:09:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Solid 0.