How to Write a Jack Johnson Song (Or as I call it: Dolphins Will Get You Oral) (13351 hits)
Category: Sound & MusicRating: 1.94 on 106 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Spooner (View user info) at 2004-05-25 18:51:23 EDT
In case you're wondering, Jack Johnson (http://www.jackjohnsonmusic.com/) is better than you. This is evident by the fact that he not only surfs, he not only makes videos, but he also plays guitar. Those three put together means he has to beat women off him with a stick he gets so much ass. Because everyone knows surfers, video makers, and guitar players get laid; but if you were all of those at the same time, you could officially call yourself God's Gift to Snatch.
And this, my friends, is why you hate him. Because he's a good surfer, and a decent video guy, but he's only a sub-par song writer. He gets by writing music people listen to because they think it's really underground. Also, the guy surfs, and surf music is popular among people who live too far away from the ocean to actually surf. Bradley Nowell was a surfer. Those are all the facts you need to know to decide that I'm right.
Anyway, there IS a way you can get in on some of this Jack Johnson action: you can write one of his songs. Surfing is hard, video equipment is expensive, but anyone can steal a guitar. And if you can learn to play a song like jack Johnson can play a song, then you too can get in on the hot-sex-having action. Luckily for you, I've broken down the making of a Jack Johnson song to a science. I've done all the work ahead of time for you. You owe me some money now.
First of all, you need static. Before you play a single note, you have to make sure that your song sounds like it's being played off of a dusty record on a bad gramophone, or that someone got a REALLY bad MP3 of it. The static shows that you probably didn't record the song in a studio, which means you don't really care about the song, which means you kick ass. The less you seem to care about the music, the more women will want you. It's been proven throughout time. Beethoven? He got NO ASS. Vanilla Ice, on the other hand, got some SERIOUS play.
Oh, and you're going to need some waves crashing. Having the sound of waves crashing at the beginning of the song really emphasizes the whole beach thing. People closely associate the sound of waves crashing with the beach, so you need that. Don't keep it throughout the whole song, though, only the first 10 or 20 seconds. You don't want to remind them of the beach for too long or they'll start thinking they'll get sunburned. Don't question it, just agree.
Secondly, you need to make some kind of indecipherable sound. It doesn't matter what, but you need to do something to create some kind of sound that no one knows what it is. Beat a radiator with a stick, drop an old adding machine down a flight of steps, or if you're REALLY into the beach thing, knock to conch shells together. Record that sound and play it on every fourth beat throughout the song.
After that, you're going to need a recording of somebody saying something. It doesn't matter who or what, because no one will be able to make it out over the static. The listener will just assume it's a quote about peace and love by Gandhi or Theodore Roosevelt, and this will convince them that this song must somehow have some kind of underlying meaning. I'd suggest a low, deep, slow talking voice. Like Cleveland from Family Guy. Get a recording of Cleveland saying something, then play it at the beginning of the song with the static and the noise you made. Don't play your guitar yet.
Pluck three or four string really slowly. Remember the strings you pulled. You'll be pulling them for the rest of the song.
Like all songs, you're going to need lyrics. Particularly, lyrics chicks would like. This means that the lyrics HAVE to sound beautiful, be about how you like some chick, and make references to the ocean a lot. Also, try as hard as you can to make them seem like a game of MadLibs gone wrong. One line doesn't need to have anything to do with the next line, it can go entirely at random. Here's how my latest work in progress is going, maybe you can use it to get a good idea for what I mean.
"Honey you're my ocean,
the ships are out to sea.
This song is like a dolphin,
It's all for you.
Pirate Ninja Mexicans,
Baby you're my one and all.
Waiting in line at Taco Bell,
Eating Chalupas all Sunday long.
I miss you like I miss the High Tide,
Like the High Tide misses the sea.
Graffiti on the overpass,
Everybody stops to watch.
You and me forever,
One time I accidentally swallowed a nickel."
That's just the chorus but I think you know where I'm getting at. Because here's the thing: women don't really listen to the lyrics. I mean, they hear a few key words like "love" or "Honey" or "Girl" and if they pick up on those they assume it's a love song and they will give you sex for singing it. Also, women like dolphins, so mention dolphins. Dolphins will get you oral.
And that should have you set through most of the song. You have a beginning, a middle, but you lack an end. That is, if you really need an end. If the chick isn't making out with you 2 minutes in, she's probably a lesbian and you should stop playing anyway. But for the rare case that you would need an ending to the song, just end it the way you started it. Bring back the waves crashing for a few seconds, then shut them off along with the weird sound you made, and just let the static play for about 30 seconds. I cannot stress this enough, you need the static. Static symbolized uncertainty or rebellion, or something, I don't really know but the chicks LOVE it.
And then you're done. Just give the song some kind of mildly cryptic or symbolic name name, like "Ukulele Sunset" or "Dolphin Dream Clouds" and you're ready to get all the chicks you could ever want. Just play carefully though, because if you do this too often you will suffer from sexual exhaustion and may even grow tolerant to sex, having to do it with 2, 3, 4 chicks at a time to achieve the same feeling as before. I mean, getting that many chicks will be no problem if you follow these steps, but then you just have to feed more people in the morning and you start running out of cash for food, and you'll have to sell CDs to afford the basic amenities for life.
Just like what happened to Jack Johnson.
User Reviews
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-02-24 21:18:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am drunk, so I couldn't read it all, or the comments. But in my state this was spot fucking on.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-02-24 21:08:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great before.
And it is great now.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-24 20:19:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Study up, kids.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-02-24 20:03:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Vanilla Ice, on the other hand, got some SERIOUS play.
-------------------
prove it.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-02-24 19:35:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed, I cried, I achieved Nirvana.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-07-15 11:48:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Guys! Guys!
Rumor's going 'round that a guy at the Jack Johnson forums actually recorded a song as to these specifications! And apparently it's pretty good, too! I'm in the process of attempting to procure it as we speak.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-05-05 16:40:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
6,000 hits
And this is the 100th review.
Never on Most Heated or BAW.
Hurrah!
Submitted by myredmirage95 (user info) at 2005-05-05 13:06:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best post I've read in a long time.
+2 live!
Submitted by antiLemming (user info) at 2005-05-05 13:06:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking A.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-05-05 12:53:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great!
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-05-05 12:49:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This still cracks me up
Submitted by stomackattack (user info) at 2005-05-05 12:36:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is the funniest thing i ever read... i live with 8 other girls and had all of them read it. our general consensus is that dolphins WILL get you oral.. or you could just write another witty contribution like that. wittiness will get you oral too!
Submitted by sharedferret (user info) at 2005-05-04 18:04:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tykuf (user info) at 2005-04-26 10:40:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
katherin's love poem
follows the same formula almost
kufner69: what is kathrin's email
kufner69: im gonna write her a love poem
Wjl195: klsir27.at.hotmail.com
Wjl195: yeah good idea
kufner69: about brownies
kufner69: and mangos
Wjl195: good
Wjl195: i'll help you
kufner69: okay mangos are really hairy
kufner69: we need to get that in there
Wjl195: ok
Wjl195: dear katherin, you are so amazing
Wjl195: and mangos are really hairy
kufner69: and brownies are really chocolatey
kufner69: but they suck when they are burnt
Wjl195: and dolphins totally kick ass
Wjl195: sometimes when i go fishing
kufner69: and so do crazy pirate ninja mexicans
kufner69: (fishing with the nija mexicans)
Wjl195: when they are all out of cream cheese
and nutella
Wjl195: that's the chorus
kufner69: hazel nut nutella
Wjl195: yeah
kufner69: cuz its way better
Wjl195: totally
Wjl195: sometimes i cut my bread with a red
lightsaber
Wjl195: even though the waves are crashing
romantically on the beach
Wjl195: dude keep goign
kufner69: okay okay
kufner69: sometimes i do my math homework with
tonail clippings
Wjl195: and when i do they don't write so i use
sidewalk chalk instead
kufner69: yeyah
Wjl195: but it's kind of hard to get high off
dandylions
kufner69: and sometiems i get a boner looking at rodeo
clowns
Wjl195: so instead i just just watch the peachy
sunrise and think of you
Wjl195: and sometimes my right nipple gets stiff
when i eat ants
Wjl195: dude we are totally sending this poem to
her
kufner69: what really makes me nuts about you is that
your dandruff smells like french toast
kufner69: yeah lets send it to clem
Wjl195: and the space squirrels that hang from
your mantelpiece
kufner69: hes on now
Wjl195: ok
kufner69: darthvader would be proud of the way your
eyes sparkle and the way your lips look
kufner69: dude or we could sent it to melina
kufner69: just out of the blue
kufner69: k your turn
Wjl195: one time i realized giraffe's had horns but
then i realized they were more stubby than horny
kufner69: mutant jellyfish crowd the walls as i think of
how silky your hair is
kufner69: we need to get some rhymes in
Wjl195: ok
Wjl195: but super market carts, are really great
filled with pop-tarts, and wal-mart really suck cuz
it's gay,
kufner69: the horse goes nay and the sheep goes bah
but i could never call a pig somthing other than a donkey
Wjl195: one time i almost bought a crocodile suit,
but then i thought of you.. t, cuz it rhymes and
when i was thinking i was like "aw cute"
kufner69: cool as a pool
kufner69: but i was really thinking about a mule and how
sick it would be to see one of those guys with sneakers
on
Wjl195: yeah mules with sneakers would be as
cool as like a metallic-blue sewing machine
Wjl195: with dimond bling
Wjl195: hangin off the needle thing
kufner69: if i could sing better i would probably sing a
song about tractors and blings and diamond rings and
other things that cant sing
Wjl195: like a bowling pin
Wjl195: well maybe the can sing
Wjl195: *they
Wjl195: because they dance around with noodles
a lot
Wjl195: and holendais sauce
kufner69: yes i think a bowling pin cuold sing if he
wanted to because noodles do usually dance in holendais
sauce especially during the full moon or when the
cabbage patch is ripe
Wjl195: yeah pretty much, my favorite religion is
budiasm because you probably get a lot a of
booty and asm whatever the fuck asm is,
probably some type of tropical plant that grows
fruit in the shape of wine bottles
kufner69: yeah that sounds right to me but i really dont
know what they should do about those sea turtles that
only have 3 legs and lay pink eggs or do they lay green
eggs? i dont know but any how i want some green eggs
and ham right now but it would help if i had a star on my
sneech belly and my name was sam i am.
Wjl195: yo nigga spit it, ya fuckin sick wit it, yo
rhymes is mad good about sneeches and shit,
but you need to drop some lines about beaches
and shit, because bitches on beaches are sure
to take their pants, for real nigga, and then she'll
start her i-love-you-chants, like for real and shit
Wjl195: i'm very sorry if that sounded black i
didn't mean it because i like budists so much
more
kufner69: dont worry old pal i think i wana go to the
beach so i can hit up some of those sneech beetches but i
would only like the ones that have the stars because that
means that they are buddist
kufner69: haha okay i think thats enough
kufner69: for a couple emails
Wjl195: ok sick
Submitted by Adjomak (user info) at 2005-04-06 22:14:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Shit man. Fucking Hilarious
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-04-06 21:52:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
72 flavors of funny. 13 piles of cool.
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-04-06 21:14:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-06 21:13:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are absolutely correct.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-04-06 21:05:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Subject: Hiya
Date: 4/6/2005 8:01:10 PM
From: Spencer Thompson
To: jackjohnsonmusic.at.oniracom.com
The good people of Ubersite.com would like to know what you think about this:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/34169
Anger? Scorn? Admiration? C'mon man, we wanna know, it'll be funny. You gotta start being funnier, like John Mayer, that guy's hilarious. I bet if someone wrote something about him, he'd reply to it, and it'd probably be really funny.
--------
We'll have to wait and see.
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2005-04-06 19:57:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-04-06 19:51:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I said it once before, but this was truly brilliant Spooner. Awesomeness X100
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-04-06 19:39:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nope. Fucking prick. Maybe we should all e-mail him and demand he record a version.
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-04-05 15:40:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome post. Did Jack Johnson ever email you back?
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-03-25 15:45:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
5000 hits!
Everyone can blow me.
Submitted by RouteTwo (user info) at 2004-11-29 23:01:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"One time I accidentally swallowed a nickel."
"Also, women like dolphins, so mention dolphins. Dolphins will get you oral."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fuckin' hilarious dude
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-11-29 22:36:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
4000 hits!
At least half fo them are for me reading this remembering my glory days. I'ma cry now...
Submitted by Iloveyou <foxy_py.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-10-18 00:53:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think I've ever read anything so funny. This article is most definatly the kicker of all ass and I'm actually dissapointed and angry that it hasn't been recognized in a very public and official way.. Like in a very big-time newspaper or on some news broadcast. The world can simply not let this article go by un-noticed.
(I love Jack Johnson... but who cares. It's irrelivant to how ridiculously funny this is)
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-09-25 01:19:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This article has been plagiarized!
http://www.livejournal.com/users/necrolord/206958.html
Neat, eh?
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-07-22 13:58:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I surf and play guitar. I used to make skate videos years back. It helps you laid, but you have to be good.
Submitted by braincramp (user info) at 2004-06-17 12:39:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I think they should give the old JackJohnson treatment to that song "Lesbian Seagull" from Beavis and Butthead. And I would just like to add- Jazz music has a built-in excuse, if you think a jazz song sucks, it's not because it's just a bad song, it's that "you don't understand jazz".
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-06-17 12:37:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well I always did love Pretoria.
GO SOUTH AFRICA WOO!!
Submitted by lpshow at 2004-06-17 12:27:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MAEh aeMAEHAEAEHae MAEaeh EAH MAE haae MAEae heAH aeMAE HAEAEH aeH ae SPOONER YOU GOT MY SUPPORT FROM SOUTH AFRICA!!!!!1!!! :DDDDDDD
Jack Johnson's music is really good, for those who havent heard it, you never get bored of it :D
Submitted by jeff <jeff.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-06-17 03:13:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The interpretation of the lyrics is funnier than the original article (but obviously they cannot exist w/o the article)--this should be a stand up routine.
Submitted by DSM <dreslimmul> at 2004-06-17 01:24:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is pretty funny! :-)
Submitted by Marshall40 (user info) at 2004-06-15 09:50:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff Spooner...."Ukelele Sunset"...nice title.
Submitted by kenny at 2004-06-14 18:09:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
tradition...
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-06-13 23:23:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
2500 hits
*toasts self*
Having never made BAW or Most Heated, I feel pretty good about that.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-06-12 07:09:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jack Johnsons' voice isn't too hard to replicate. Now if you were trying to write a Mason Jennings song, you'd be screwed.
Submitted by AndyMack <andy_papan.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-06-02 19:03:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah talkin' about the ocean to babes who live far away does work, but I think this article underestimates Jack Johnson's voice. A lot of guys who try to this method are gonna have some hard chicks' shoes thrown at them.
Submitted by shaDow <shaDowX311.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-06-01 23:20:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very funny, Spoon, I loved it.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-05-30 22:08:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That doesn't sound too pleasant, Dolphins have those jagged teeth... ugh. Dolphin Oral sounds more like a bad incident at Sea World than something you'd want...
"Dad, what's the blowhole for?"
"I'll tell you son, and when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World."
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-30 22:05:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know a chick who gets oral FROM dolphins all the time. After all, dolphins just love fish.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-05-30 21:50:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Now that I've reached a record number of hits (and reviews) all I need for the trifecta is to make BAW.
*crosses fingers*
Wish me luck, guys.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-30 21:35:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Spooner is teh neat!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-30 21:28:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahaha.... gold.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-05-30 21:15:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Official- 1500 hits. My first 1500 hit post. Party time for me.
*party*
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-05-29 14:58:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post makes my hoohoo tingle!
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-05-27 19:03:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't be dickin around, kstew.
Submitted by spooner 2 <spooner2.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-05-27 18:40:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-05-27 16:56:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no idea who Jack Johnson is, but this is still funny.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-05-26 21:19:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BAW definitely.
---------
Dude, shut up, you're gonna jinx it. >=(
But thanks, I'm glad you guys think my work is BAW caliber.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-05-26 20:31:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy fuck that was hilarious. BAW definitely. I am so going to end my dry patch because of this.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-05-26 19:31:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Habeeb's here. Now it's a party.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2004-05-26 19:16:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One of the funniest things I have ever read on this site
Jolly good show
GO BEARS WOO!!!
Submitted by JMS (user info) at 2004-05-26 18:47:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awsome...very funny.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-05-26 16:25:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I sent Jack this e-mail-
-----------------
Hey Jack,
I don't listen to a lot of music, but my brother does. He's one of your biggest fans and he listens to everything you put out. Since I ride in teh car with him a lot, I listen to it too. I'm not your biggest fan ever but I think your music's a lot better than what's out there.
Anyway, I wrote this article called "How To Write a Jack Johnson Song." Mainly for my brother, but other people seemed to like it too. It's not a cut at you in any way, I even said in one of the replies that I like your music, I just thought you made an interesting subject for an article. A lot of other people, fans of yours included, thought it was funny so I figured I'd let you read it. Make of it what you will.
Plus deep down I'm jealous that you're awesome at everything.
Here it is: http://www.ubersite.com/m/34169
The reviews have some funny lyrics in them, too, so read them if you want.
Sincerely,
Spencer
-------------------
Let's see if he says anything or e-mails me.
Submitted by Wills at 2004-05-26 11:55:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-05-26 10:50:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm considering e-mailing this article to Jack Johnson. =P
Someone find me his e-mail.
Submitted by Lucky (user info) at 2004-05-26 10:28:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beyond fucking funny.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-05-26 09:56:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"a game of MadLibs gone wrong"
So. Damn. True.
Awesome, nice work.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-26 09:18:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I forgot to mention before, your song WOULD get you oral from me. How about you come see me?
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2004-05-26 08:43:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You've hit the nail on the head.
With an over-ripe siver spoon.
Dolphin, dolphin, dolphin.
Dolphin, dolphin, mushroom.
Yeah, I can hear the babes outside my window as I type.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-05-26 05:50:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Next to the mound of burning dolphins"
AHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHAHAHA
Oh, and good post.
Submitted by JewdoMaster (user info) at 2004-05-26 05:42:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...and what's really clever is the way all the people who LIKE Jackie Boy rate +2 as well as all the people who hate him and see this post as a 'diss'.
+2 for the thought you put into that.
Submitted by Fleet_Marshall_Badass (user info) at 2004-05-26 05:26:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
More importantly, am I gonna get oral because I mentioned dolphins? I believe that was part of the deal Spooner.
Badass.
Submitted by Fleet_Marshall_Badass (user info) at 2004-05-26 05:19:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So I need to mention dolphins, sea shells, love, surfboards, waves and boats, right? Well, here goes:
Seashells and Dolphins
by Jack "Fleet Marshall Badass" Johnson
Let me be your sea shell,
You can hold me to your ear,
Like little children playing,
On a love train to Neverland,
We can hold hands at night,
Next to the mound of burning dolphins,
As little fish get close to us,
And wash up on the shore,
I can scoop them up,
As I lay you on my surfboard,
And cover you in flapping fishes,
Flapping flapping flapping...
Elephants and circus animals,
That wade among the waves,
The ringmaster has a big moustache,
The bearded lady scares children,
All the friendly friendly sharks,
With their little monkey fins,
Baby you're my dolphin,
I just peed in the ocean.
I'm all warm and fuzzy,
When I see you in the mornin',
Like a starfish,
Or a turtle with a funny hat,
I love you on my boat,
There's baby dolphins everywhere,
I spike them with my surfboard,
They're all for you,
An elephant cries,
And a tiger rides a sea turtle,
As I love you and the waves
Make that wavy sound...
How's that? Do I get a Grammy? Would I want a Grammy?
Badass.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-26 04:24:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yup
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-05-26 01:11:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm starting to think maybe I should've included the lyrics analysis in the actual article.
Not that that would've been possible, but, whatever...
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-05-25 23:38:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes you are, EMB, anyone can!!
Submitted by EvilMonkeyBoy at 2004-05-25 23:28:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not intelligent enough to write like Jack Johnson :(
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2004-05-25 23:19:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great.
Submitted by CunningVision (user info) at 2004-05-25 23:16:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good times.
You know, at first I thought the subtitle was "Dolphins will give you oral." Now that would be awesome! Sea dwelling mammalian ball licking...yes!
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-05-25 22:55:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha! Yes! This is now officially my highest rated post of all time. Well, it's tied with "Damned Scissors" but this one has mroe reviews. So there.
Woo!
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-25 22:48:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DrunkenMountie (user info) at 2004-05-25 22:47:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff. It just makes things look that much sadder when it's all laid out in front of you like that.
And for a good random noise, try replacing your computer's video card with a gerbil. Or maybe shove a xylophone into running lawnmover blades.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-05-25 22:41:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was Pure. Fucking. Comedy. Gold.
What pushed it over the top was your interpretation of your own lyrics.
Submitted by MrCoffee (user info) at 2004-05-25 22:27:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking ace
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-05-25 21:50:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm on a pretty sweet streak, only one 0 so far. Go me!
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-05-25 21:50:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fake it till you make it Spoonman!
Have a good one I did.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-05-25 21:46:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You stole those lyrics from me.
I lvoe it.
+2 for the stolen lyrics, and the trampoline falling down the steps.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-05-25 21:43:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woooshsshh wooooshhhh (ocean sounds)
Boomp shucka boomp (me pushing a tramp down the stairs)
Honey you're my ocean,
the ships are out to sea.
This song is like a dolphin,
It's all for you.
Boomp shucka boomp (me pushing tramp down another flight of stairs)
Pirate Ninja Mexicans,
Baby you're my one and all.
Waiting in line at Taco Bell,
Eating Chalupas all Sunday long.
I miss you like I miss the High Tide,
Like the High Tide misses the sea.
Crash bang wallop (tramp runs into street and falls over rubbish bin before being hit by car)
Graffiti on the overpass,
Everybody stops to watch.
You and me forever,
One time I accidentally swallowed a nickel.
Baby you me and the sea
Wah wah wah wah wah sssssssss (siren slowly fading into distance as white noise increases.)
How am I doing?
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-05-25 21:30:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Your Lyrics make too much sense. Try again.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-05-25 21:28:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woooshsshh wooooshhhh (ocean sounds)
Boomp shucka boomp (me pushing a tramp down the stairs)
Baby you are so cool
like fish in a school
swimming in your direction
Boomp shucka boomp (me pushing tramp down another flight of stairs)
when we are together
I am in heaven
Love yo baby
Love yo baby
Love yo baby
Love yo baby
yeeeeaahhhh
How am I doing?
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-05-25 21:07:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe his underpants are also laced with genius.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-05-25 21:06:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you want in on BAW, you could submit it as a link, I think. I bet the problem is Bart doesn't see a lot of the good posts.
Submitted by hacksawfonnix (user info) at 2004-05-25 21:03:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you ever happened to be in the same room as Jack Johnson you would be sucking his dick before you even knew what had happened.
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-05-25 21:02:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This deserves to make boredatwork. One of the funniest fucking things I have ever read. I was seriously cracking up. Good shit never gets the recognition. Just that shitty crap that Tom douchebag posts. This was many times more funny than that lame Peer to peer file sharing post. What's really sad is the guy tried to use that "emu taking a vicious dump" as a running joke, and it wasn't funny the first time around. What an obnoxious fuck. But +2 for this post, seriously.
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2004-05-25 20:46:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, this is one of the best posts I've seen on Über, the interpretation of your own lyrics was the icing on the cake.
Submitted by Alfa_Veloce (user info) at 2004-05-25 20:33:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now if only I could get some conch shells......
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-05-25 20:17:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sweet, that bring my average out to roughly... 1.8 bullion.
That should be good enough to get me on BAW, right?
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-25 20:07:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BAAAAHHAAAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahahahhahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
*breath*
AAAAAAAAAAAAHahahahahhaahahhahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
*breathe*
AHAHAHAHAhahahhahahahahhahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Spooner, You have just become my favorite human being of all time!
+2,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-05-25 20:04:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I applaud you then, lojope.
But look at it this way:
"Honey you're my ocean,
the ships are out to sea."
I'm trying to say that I think she's hot, but really, I wanna get with her sister.
"This song is like a dolphin,
It's all for you."
This is satire on how you can donwload this song if you find a winning game piece on Chicken of the Sea tuna. You get the whole thing, so it's all for you, the listener.
"Pirate Ninja Mexicans,
Baby you're my one and all."
I'm telling her that I like her more than I do Pirates (who are awesome), Ninjas (who are awesome), and cheap Mexiacan Labor (which is awesome).
"Waiting in line at Taco Bell,
Eating Chalupas all Sunday long."
If, let's say, she wanted Taco Bell really bad but teh line was really long, I love her so much I'd stand in line for her while she saved a seat.
"I miss you like I miss the High Tide,
Like the High Tide misses the sea."
I miss you since you've been gone, but it's ok, cause I've been sleeping with your sister.
"Graffiti on the overpass,
Everybody stops to watch."
Our love goes against what society would call acceptable and it's like we're a mark on society, but everyone can't help but watch, because we met on "The Bachelor."
"You and me forever,
One time I accidentally swallowed a nickel."
That nickel hurt.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-25 19:58:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes they do! That song is about morals being corrupted, about industrialization gone wrong, it's about people giving up.
"the horizon has been defeated
by the pirates of the new age
alien casinos"
That's the whole, Native Americans getting to build casinos and make money off of the country they don't even want to be a part of.
"well maybe its just time to say
things can go bad
and make you want to run away
but as we grow older
the troubles just seems to stay"
The giving Up I was talking about.
"future complications
in the strings between the cans
but no prints can come from fingers
if machines become our hands
and then our feet become the wheels
and then the wheels become the cars
and then the rigs begin to drill
until the drilling goes too far"
Industrialization gone wrong. People care more about making money than enjoying it. ALl they want is "bigger, better, faster" even though they can't use what they have now. There is no personal touch in America anymore. People don't want to talk to or interact with their fellow men, they just want ATMS and Drive-thru speakers.
"thingamajigsaw puzzled
anger don't you step too close
because people are lonely and only
animals with fancy shoes"
People are dehumanizing each other. They say we're "only animals" and think that means there's nothing special about being a person. Nothing important.
"hallelujah zig zag nothing
misery it's on the loose
because people are lonely and only
animals with too many tools
that can build all the junk that we sell
sometimes it makes you want to yell"
The whole thing summed up again. Too many people are unhappy, too many machines, not enough people interacting with people, people are just machines on a production line, there is no "humaness" anymore.
Anyways.... Maybe I didn't need to do that.... But Jack is close to my heart. I really love his music, and his lyrics mean stuff to me.
It's still an awesome post. :o)
Submitted by frozen-vodka (user info) at 2004-05-25 19:31:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Every time I hear Jack Johnson, I think of Las Vegas. WTF? True though, very true [the article]. And what about that one song with the bubbly toes and tar balls...I can sing along, yet I have no idea what it meand.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-05-25 19:22:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Already I've successfully used this post to get laid.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-05-25 19:22:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the horizon has been defeated
by the pirates of the new age
alien casinos
well maybe its just time to say
things can go bad
and make you want to run away
but as we grow older
the troubles just seems to stay
future complications
in the strings between the cans
but no prints can come from fingers
if machines become our hands
and then our feet become the wheels
and then the wheels become the cars
and then the rigs begin to drill
until the drilling goes too far
things can go bad
and make you want to run away
but as we grow older
the horizon begins to fade
fade away
thingamajigsaw puzzled
anger don't you step too close
because people are lonely and only
animals with fancy shoes
hallelujah zig zag nothing
misery it's on the loose
because people are lonely and only
animals with too many tools
that can build all the junk that we sell
sometimes it makes you want to yell
things can go bad
and make you want to run away
but as we grow older
the horizon begins to fade away
fade, fade, fade
------------------------------
Those make NO sense. At all. Good song, though.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-25 19:13:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweepin the floors, open up the doors
Yeah turn on the lights, getting ready for the night
Nobody's romancing, 'cause its too early for dancing
But here comes the music ...
Bright lights flashing
They cover up your lack of so many people
So many problems
So many reasons to buy another round
Drink it down
Just another night on the town
With the big man, money man, better then the other man
He got the plan, with the million dollar give a damn
What nobody understands
Become a smaller man, the bright lights keep flashin,
Women keep on dancing with the clowns,
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
They pick me up when I'm down,
Yeah, yeah,
The rodeo clowns
Yeah, yeah, yeah, they pick me up when I'm down
The disco ball's spinnin', all the music and the women
And the shots of tequila,
Man they say that they need ya
What they really need, is just a little room to breath
Teeny bopping disco queen
She barely understands her dreams of belly button rings
And other kinds of things
Symbolic of change, but the thing that is strange
Is that the changes occur
And now she's just a part of the herd, yeah, yeah, yeah
Man I thought that you heard
Yeah, yeah
The changes occurred
Yeah, yeah, yeah, just a part of the herd
Lights out, shut down, late night, wet ground
You walk by look at him, but he can't look at you
Yeah, you might feel pity, but he only feels the ground
You understand moves, but he only knows let down
By the corner, there's another one
Reaching out a hand, coming from a broken man
Well he tried to live, but he's done trying
Not dead, but definitely dying
With the rest of the clowns
Yeah, yeah
mmm mmm mmmm mmmm
With the rest of the clowns
Sweepin the floors, open up the doors,
Yeah turn on the lights, getting ready for the night
Nobody's romancing, 'cause its too early for dancing
But here comes the music
Those lyric's make sense to me.
Great post anyways though.
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-05-25 19:08:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jack Johnson *swoon*
I'd give him a piece of ass. As long as he promises not to hit me with that damn stick again.
Another +2. This was good schtuff.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-05-25 19:05:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DraconianKing (user info) at 2004-05-25 19:03:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great!
Submitted by JMS <JMScheib.at.comcast.net> at 2004-05-25 19:03:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awsome, another great article.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-05-25 19:00:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, I don't mind the music either, really. I just thought he was a good enough subject for an article.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-05-25 18:56:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And by that, I mean his music.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-05-25 18:56:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny cuz it's true.
I do like Jack Johnson, though.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-05-25 18:55:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like Jack Johnson...
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-05-25 18:53:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The only time I met Jack Johnson, he hit me with a stick.
Is it because I'm a chick?