Microsoft Word = American Imperialism (802 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Despiadado <bored.at.work.com> (View user info) at 2004-05-26 00:15:10 EDT
Last Sunday I was doing what most Australians do every Sunday. I was out playing sport. To be specific, I was playing Rugby League. The second half of the game had just started, and my team's moral was soaring after an inspiring halftime speech from our boarder-line schizophrenic coach. We had possession of the ball, and were rucking it up the field with our forward pack. Our guy went down in a tackle and the half back nominated me for the next hit-up. I got deep, timed my run, caught the ball, and got snapped like never before. I'd gone to shoulder charge one of the guys in the defensive line, and my collar bone had slipped right into his shoulder.
I heard the snap, and I could literally see stars. I got up, and tried to play the ball, but I could barely move my right arm. I managed to get away with playing the ball with my left arm, narrowly avoiding knocking the ball on. The dummy-half passed the ball away, and the play continued as normal, except I was running for the side line trying not to move my arm. The trainer was calm about it. "Ahh?.looks like you've done your collar bone in mate," he said as he got me an ice pack. "Does that mean it's broken?" I asked. "How the fuck should I know if it's broken? Get someone to drive ya to the hospital." he snapped back at me.
When I arrived at the hospital I was waiting for about an hour before I finally got in for an X-ray. After I'd had the X-ray taken, I was told to go back to the waiting room until a doctor was ready to come and see me. She eventually came looking for another patient when my I asked her about me. She looked bewildered for a second, and then seemed to realize that I must be the guy with the broken collar bone, since I was sitting there with a makeshift sling around one arm. "Yes, it's defiantly broken," she said. When I finally got in and saw the images of my shattered clavicle, I realized what an understatement that was.
I could see that my clavicle had not only snapped in two but the pieces were now overlapping and the doctor told me that the pain I was experiencing was caused by them rubbing against each other. Now I've got to wear a sling for six to eight weeks and for the first two weeks I also have to wear a back brace that will slide the bits of my collar bone back into place so they can heal properly. So now that I'm sitting at home all day, unable to work, I have devoted my time to finishing my current assignments. My assignments are generally pretty easy; I have an analytical exposition on a play to write, and also an essay on the racial issues of the ethnic cleansing in Yugoslavia.
I don't mind so much the work it self, but since I'm now doing all my work on computer, I have to type everything in Microsoft Word. The subject of my analytical exposition is the play Breaker Morant. For anyone who doesn't know (Americans, this means you), Harry "Breaker" Morant was an Aussie member of the Bushvelt Carabineers in South Africa fighting for the British against the Dutch Boer farmers. He was arrested for war crimes and shot by a firing squad but there has been a huge debate waging since his death over the British executing an Australian soldier. Now this assignment absolutely must be written with correct use of the Queen's English.
Unfortunately for me, MS Word likes to change words like "Colour" into words like "Color". And it really doesn't like being made to do other wise. I've had to revise my essays several times to make absolutely certain there are no z's where s's should go, and that the u's stay in their place. I've also had a hell of a time trying to get the Dutch words like Transvaal and Machadodor to be recognized (it won't let me use an "s" in recognize). This denial of how the English language works must go deeper. With the USA becoming the world's major supplier of software, they finally have a chance to force on the rest of the English speaking community these horrible abominations of our language.
Well, it's not gonna happen to me. I'm keeping my u's and I'm keeping my s's. I've added colour to my spellchecker's dictionary and I'll be damned if I'm gonna start saying zee instead of zed.
User Reviews
Submitted by 10c7c (user info) at 2004-11-02 12:25:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by () <<>> at 2004-05-26 10:15:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No, it's most definitely pronounced "al-oo-min-e-um" (sp: aluminium)... unless you're American, in which case your pronunciation (and whatever the hell your spelling of it is) doesn't count. ;-)
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-05-26 10:11:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Forgot to rate.
Lousy boer farmers...
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-05-26 10:09:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's Ah-loo-min-um
Not Al-oo-min-ee-um
Submitted by thinning_temples (user info) at 2004-05-26 10:05:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hang on, why would a "member of the Bushvelt Carabineers in South Africa fighting for the British against the Dutch Boer farmers" be executed by the British? Was he such a terrible shot?
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-05-26 10:00:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
They say "aluminum"
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2004-05-26 09:58:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So true.
Hang on. How do Yanks spell "Aluminium?"
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-05-26 09:48:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've contacted the office of homeland security and added you to the "dissident list". If your phone makes funny clicks, ignore it. I hated to do it, but it's what is best for the rest of mankind.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-05-26 08:28:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-26 00:36:33 (#)
Ranking: 0
Change your regional settings to English (Australian).
--------------------
Why not try English (British)?
Surely that would be the way to obtain the "Queens' English" spellings.
Submitted by JewdoMaster (user info) at 2004-05-26 05:52:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...and you, sir, may have another +2 whilest I apologise for my incorrect spelling in a post ABOUT spelling. Yee-haw!
Submitted by JewdoMaster (user info) at 2004-05-26 05:50:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Anyone hear about the retard who wrote a kernel patch for Linux to change all instances of 'flavour' to the incorrect 'flavor'?
The response was, aside from a flame war, someone making a patch replacing all instances of both flavor and falvour (there are BOTH in the kernel) to FLAVAH!
Submitted by () <<>> at 2004-05-26 05:31:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, it's a right royal pain in the arse.
I have Windows' language setting (in the Regional and Language control panel) set to Australian English and Word set to Australian English, and the flaming thing still goes back to bloody "American English" and all its strange (as in, "retarded") spellings!
Arrgh!!
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2004-05-26 05:13:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
God I know that feeling (and no, you can't just set the language to Australian English, because unless the orientation of the earth is just right Word refuses to keep it that way)
However, this post itself wasn't great, so no +2, be satisfied with this.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-05-26 03:13:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Collar bone, ouch.
Broke mine at 5
Submitted by Angrybeaver (user info) at 2004-05-26 01:19:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Word is trying to take over, it's like 'Nam all over again!!!
Submitted by atz (user info) at 2004-05-26 00:41:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Can't you set your system language to "Australian English" or something? I know that I can do so in Linux (I'm not sure if it would stop the word processor from fixing words, though). And even so, is there not a way to simply turn the spell-checker off?
In conclusion, use Linux.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-26 00:36:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Change your regional settings to English (Australian).
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-05-26 00:32:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha you fool!! You spelled all those words wrong!
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-05-26 00:30:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Come to the dark side.
Submitted by DancingHobo (user info) at 2004-05-26 00:18:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It's 'cause we beat you Australians in the war.