Tom vs. The Crow (3303 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Tom
Rating: 1.95 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2004-05-26 13:07:33 EDT
A while back, my friend Jay threw a party at his family farm. The farm itself was out in the middle of nowhere and sat on roughly 400 acres, the terrain mostly flat grassland with the occasional copse of trees to break up the monotony. It was, in fact, the perfect place to party, in that it was The Unbustable Party House. There were no neighbors to call the cops on our loud asses, and we could pretty much do whatever we wanted with no fear or getting caught.
His parties were typically private affairs, usually thrown for small groups of friends from school. We all went to the same small school, so the events were always very casual and fun. And the added bonus was that everyone knew everyone else's little faults, foibles, and eccentricities. An an example, let's take my friend Tom.
Tom was a good guy, if you knew how to handle him. If you didn't try to pester, heckle, or taunt him, he was a solid guy to have as a friend. If you made the mistake of setting him off...well, I'll just direct you here to read an example of the repercussions (http://www.ubersite.com/m/32465). The primary advantage of having small parties at the farm was that everyone in attendance knew about Tom's notoriously short fuse. Especially the girls.
The parties were typically split right down the middle in regards to boy/girl ratio. And the girls knew who amongst the boys were most likely to taunt Tom just for the sheer hilarity. As the girls liked to have fun, enjoyable parties (read: not house-of-horror bloodbaths), and were quite willing to withhold the cooze from the boys who defied them, they were usually extremely effective at suppressing any likelihood that the boys would misbehave.
On this particular night, the party went off flawlessly. Tom drank a bit (as did we all), and actually started flirting with one of the girls. He was quite rational and was acting almost like a normal human being. The other boys were all on their best behavior as well. In fact, I can't remember a party gone off as well as that one. Until the next morning.
As fate would have it, I was the first to wake up, and Tom was the second. I generally consider myself a fairly considerate fellow, so I decided to tiptoe between the mass of sleeping bodies and creep my way outside. Tom followed silently, and grabbed a pair of beers on the way out. We sat out on the patio furniture in the cool moring air and drank Coronas to take the edge off of our hangovers. We felt that all was right with the world.
And then The Crow flew into my life, and my serene little world tumbled down upon me.
Off in the distance over Tom's shoulder, I could see a bird flying towards us. It seemed to be a fairly large bird, but I didn't appreciate just HOW large until that bastard came to settle upon the low stone wall directly behind Tom. Holy Christ, that thing looked like a fucking Pterodactyl. To this day, I have never seen a larger crow. I was entralled by the avian creature. I couldn't take my eyes off it. I just sat there with my mouth open, gawking at the monster. But of course, since I was looking over Tom's shoulder, he thought I was gaping at him. Ridiculing him. Mocking him.
"What the fuck are you looking at, faggot?" he queried to me. "Why are y-"
"CAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!" The Crow replied to the back of Tom's head.
Holy Fuck, I almost shit my thong. It scared the life out of me, and I was looking right at the fiend when he screamed out his war cry. Tom dropped his bottle in the grass and looked like he was about to stroke out right there. I seriously thought I might have to give him CPR after that fright.
Tom recovered some semblance of composure and turned around to gaze upon the wicked brute. He was not nearly as mesmerized by the sight as I. He started Shrieking Like A Berserker in vain attempt to frighten it away. But it was Like Nothing Ever Happened. The crow just sat there, stoically considering the pair of us. So Tom launched his Corona bottle at it.
"Fucking rodent!" He shouted furiously.
The bottle struck the beast square in the breast, but bounced off like it was a styrofoam cup. The Crow, unimpressed by the display of rage, remained.
"I'm gonna choke that motherfucker out. Watch this." Said Tom quietly. He slowly started creeping toward the wall, muttering under his breath the whole time, "That's right...I'm gonna put you in a stew...just stay right there...you Goddamned monster..."
The Crow, to its credit, remained perfectly motionless, eyeing Tom's approach carefully. When Tom's hand got within a foot of its neck, it launched an attack and swiftly pecked the spot of flesh between the thumb and index finger. Then it took off.
"Fuck! You fucking gaaahaaaa!" He screeched, recovered the previously thrown bottle at his feet and heaved it again at the animal. To my amazement, the bottle struck a glancing blow to one of its wings. Shockingly, the creature spun about, started cawing like a siren, and dive bombed Tom (and by proximity, me).
"FUCK!!!" we cried.
Then to my absolute and utter horror, dozens upon dozens of monstrous black winged demon crows came hurtling out of the trees around the farm to target the back patio. It was like a scene from a fucking Hitchcock movie. I've never been so terrified in my entire life. Tom and I promptly screamed like little bitches and sprinted back into the house, which of course woke up the entire house full of sleeping guests. Understandably, they were all fairly irritated at having their sleep truncated, but their annoyance quickly dissloved into alarm when they saw the overabundance of crows circling the house. Tom curled up in the fetal position on one of the beds, ranting like a gibbon.
After about 20 minutes the murder of crows dispersed, and the rest of us went outside to pack up our cars and go home. But not Tom. We couldn't persuade him to exit the house until the early afternoon. I suspect that he had always been a bit loopy before that morning, but afterwards he was positively Mad As A Bag Of Badgers.
User Reviews
Submitted by deedee (user info) at 2006-05-18 01:21:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that is by far my favourite tom story,
im actually crying with laughter!!
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2006-03-28 10:20:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mad As A Bag Of Badgers...............never too be forgotten
MMMMWWWWAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-08-08 19:50:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus, that's an awesome story.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-09-21 13:57:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great shit
Submitted by ishgirl at 2004-07-29 23:43:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy Shit!!! You had me and my friend crying over this, i shit u not.
The phrase:
"That's right...I'm gonna put you in a stew...just stay right there...you Goddamned monster..."
Made the whole thing more hilarious. completely equal to your crazy ass australian cow tipping story.
HISTERCIAL!!!
Submitted by jewstinian (user info) at 2004-07-29 13:56:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Please publish a book entitled, "The Chronicles of Tom." It will be a national best seller, I promise.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-07-29 12:30:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is still my favorite
Submitted by Sambuca310 (user info) at 2004-07-26 16:24:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-07-19 13:52:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn man, that was fucking hilarious. I'm glad everybody else is at lunch or they would have heard me snorting as I laughed. Crap, now my eyes are all teary from laughing so hard.
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2004-07-08 03:29:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2004-06-16 15:36:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddamn Jimbo! Just found your series and I am now addicted.
I sent this all over the office and you have us giggling out asses off.
off to read the rest.......thanks for breaking up my day!
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2004-05-27 17:13:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Caww!
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-27 15:24:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-05-27 02:59:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shitballs, this still makes me laugh like drain. This is one the best stories you have told, lad.
Submitted by miss_behvn (user info) at 2004-05-26 16:48:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Crows are bad asses. They attack anything,they have no fear. I saw one attack a bald eagle the other day
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-05-26 16:23:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This one kicked so much ass.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-05-26 16:18:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Does crow rhyme with rowboat?
Submitted by UlfGabe (user info) at 2004-05-26 16:10:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
nice.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-05-26 15:59:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 because it's not Tom from Uber.
+1 because it's not Brandon Lee.
= +2 because this is funny.
Submitted by iamhewhoisnot (user info) at 2004-05-26 15:51:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-05-26 15:47:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mwhahahahahaha!
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-05-26 15:22:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Something similar happened to me once. But I was stoned. And the would-be crow was am abandoned umbrella.
'Nuff said.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-05-26 14:46:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-26 14:34:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh how do I love Jimbo, let me count the ways
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-05-26 13:56:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-05-26 13:35:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would be really happy if I could get the image of a man shitting his thong out of my head. Thank you so much!
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-05-26 13:32:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
when i saw the title, i thought it was a mystery science theater post.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-05-26 13:20:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's one badass bird.
"Is that Gasoline I smell?"
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-26 13:14:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay. More Tom stories please. Lot's more.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-05-26 13:13:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Let's hear it for crazy friends interacting with nature!