I'm Going to be Punished For This (1232 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.69 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <feral_pet.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-05-26 22:56:54 EDT
I made a mistake. I see that now, when it's too late and the damage has been done. I screwed up, and I have no-one but myself to blame for what's about to happen. Still, I beg you not to hate me. I need help. Professional, expensive help.
I asked for advice. What passes for the creative side of my brain had left with no forwarding address, and I was desperately in need of assistance. As I reflect on that decision now, in the last few moments of my life as I know it, I realise that I should have asked someone besides preschool children and midget clowns. The question "What the fuck is there left to write about?" cannot be adequately answered by someone who is either A) whining incessantly about 'I need to use the bathroom' or B) snickering and squeezing his big red nose while saying 'I can see your panties from down here'. The answers came back - Poetry. Sex. Sex. Sex. Something sweet. A love story, with sex.
I sat here in the cool blue glow from my screen (nice screen. Flat panel LCD. The fact that I'm about to fill it with the literary equivalent of bong water is nothing short of tragic) and took all that advice under consideration. Yes, even 'Poetry'. I was that desperate. I thought long, and hard, and eventually the inevitable happened: my mind snapped, like a branch under the weight of too much rotting fruit. (That analogy is actually the most fitting possible. You'll understand that if you keep reading - which, incidentally, I urge you not to do. Just flame me and go on your way.)
So. As I sit here with only the last remaining shards of my once bright and shining mind to comfort me, drooling gently, with my left eyelid twitching and the lyrics to 'Who Wants to Live Forever?' stampeding through my mind like rabid elephants, I bring you:
"A Springer Love Story"
They were young and in love, and the heavens above seemed so dull when the pair was apart.
He gave her his car, and his house (with a spa) and she gave him the key to her heart.
Life was good, love was true, for a whole month or two, then the honeymoon seemed to corrode;
She was going out late and the sex was sedate and she'd talk on her cell phone in code.
Each time when she left, the big house was bereft of her warmth and her smile and her spark,
'til he finally got mad, summoned what strength he had, and followed her into the dark.
When she turned off the street and her traitorous feet took her in through his best buddy's door,
He tiptoed, and sneaked, and he knelt and he peeked, and stared, stricken, at what his eyes saw.
She was blonde. She was tall. She was pinned to the wall, screwing three or four guys - he'd lost count -
Plus a donkey, a goat, (with a leash at its throat) and a chihuahua struggling to mount.
As he knelt on the grass and he stared through the glass, his hand took to gripping a rock,
And he watched with wide eyes as his goddess, his prize, was drilled by six flavors of cock.
Tears streamed down his face as he watched from his place of concealment out there in the yard,
And the tightly held stone was deliberately thrown through the window (and it was thrown HARD).
As he dashed 'cross the street, stumbling over his feet, with blood dripping from one shard-cut finger,
He screamed to the night "Well, it's over, all right? Fuck you, cuntface, we're going on Springer!"
(I am so, so sorry....)
User Reviews
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-10 16:03:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Last line was priceless
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:22:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-06-19 22:32:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell me when your episode comes on. I'll be sure to watch it and, woo, that sounds like a good episode.
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2004-06-19 22:19:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nicely done...introduction was a bit long, but worth the read.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-06-19 22:06:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess writer's block affects us all at some point. Just Kidding. This was very entertaining...almost as entertaining as an actual Jerry Springer episode. My only complaint was that the meter of the poem was not as consistent as I might have liked, but I am a perfectionist when it comes to rhythm in poetry. I think you were on the right track though with the internal rhyme. It just needs to be perfected.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-05-30 03:26:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting
Submitted by moneyshot (user info) at 2004-05-30 03:20:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Springer! hahahahh
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-30 03:09:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're mad about me calling you a yeast infection, aren't you? Poor kid. I'm female, by the way.
Submitted by vimes_to_the_rescue (user info) at 2004-05-29 12:41:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
this would almost interest me if you were not such a pathetic asshole who should go to a school for mentally unstable bastards with fleas up his ass
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-28 08:32:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Great One, my shame and humble gratitude know no bounds. I'll do my utmost to overcome my midget clown and elephant fetishes. Of course, there goes my career - I'm never going to make it in 'straight' porn.
Seriously, thanks - your advice is always appreciated.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-05-28 07:56:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice work Locust
i was going to mark you down for references to midgets, clowns and stampeding elephants (sensai shandy says - avoid these commonplace devices, as soon as i see them in attempted comic writing i cringe) but the bongwater on the flat screen really perked me up, and the poem was a ripper.
Submitted by SausageKing (user info) at 2004-05-27 23:08:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahhaha! That was awesome Circe!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-05-27 15:10:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant! very creative!! I'd give you a
+5000 if I could.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-05-27 15:01:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking hilarious.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-05-27 14:49:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm waiting for "Horton Hires a Whore"...
or something from Green Eggs & Ham
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-05-27 14:40:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was one hell of a limerick...
Can you squeeze the man from Nantucket in there next time?
He got a looooooong cock.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-05-27 09:39:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really needed this laugh! I think I can go back to work now (for a few minutes, anyway).
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-27 08:39:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, I emailed you! :o)
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-27 08:39:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
do it! DO IT! Do IT! DO it!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-27 08:26:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't you start, Lojo.. I'm not ready just yet to sacrifice any credibility I tell myself I have.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-27 08:05:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-27 04:41:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
Coyote, I swear, don't tempt to make it into a series.. "Poetry for the masses Volume 16 - Dr Suess takes on: Anal Sex." You, and me, and everyone else would regret that.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
do it! DO IT! Do IT! DO it!
Submitted by indigogecko (user info) at 2004-05-27 04:41:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, yes you are going to be punished for this. Fear the wrath of a positive rating!!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-27 04:41:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Coyote, I swear, don't tempt to make it into a series.. "Poetry for the masses Volume 16 - Dr Suess takes on: Anal Sex." You, and me, and everyone else would regret that.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-05-27 04:29:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.
Yes yes yes.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-05-27 04:22:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh that was fucking great.... hehehe
Submitted by Hermann_the_German (user info) at 2004-05-27 03:16:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hervoragend! Wundervoll! Keep up the good work and stop whining about the Quality!
Cause the Übersite will rank.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-27 02:32:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-05-27 02:29:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's one of the long-lost Dr. Seuss "adult" series!
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-05-27 01:40:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lol111
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-05-27 00:21:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-05-27 00:21:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This was pretty fucking great. You're very ept with your words.
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-05-27 00:06:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Quite amusing
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-26 23:42:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAhahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
Lojo *hearts* Circe
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-05-26 23:13:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA!
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-05-26 23:11:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment