Uber Movie Review: Hellboy (483 hits)
Category: Movies & TVRating: 1 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Homsar (View user info) at 2004-05-27 10:29:37 EDT
Fellow Ubersapiens, I had a conversation with God the other day...
Well I didnt really, cause he'd be pissed at me for being non-religious. We aren't on speaking terms. But if we had chatted, maybe it wouldve went something...alike-a-dis:
Homsar: Whats up man?
Almighty: Yo brother...I be playin the illest joke on mankind yet, dawg.
Homsar: Iraqi Idol?
Almighty: Better yet...I gave some idiot director the vision to create...Hellboy.
Homsar: Shit.
Almighty: I gotta split, the apostles are bringin over some MAD hunnies.
About the only thing shittier than that made-up conversation is the subject film. For fuck sakes people, Ive never seen so much bad acting/scripting in my life.
The plot consists of Rasputin (yes that crazy fucker from Russia) coming back from the dead and bringing some guy made of sand and a lady with a cool hat. I think they got Rob Halford to play Rasputin, except he didnt reek of gay. Does it get any better than this?...originality oozes. Hellboy, played by a strange John Malkovich look-a-like with a voice like Bruce Campbell, sets out with Selma Blair and that alien guy from The Abyss to take out Mr. Bad-assputin.
More one-liners than a 52 hour Full House marathon. And no Olsen twins. Fuck. But there was one part, my favorite segment of the film, which left me so bewildered that I actually had an epileptic fit. Hellboy is from....Hell...so basically he cannot be harmed by fire, flame, explosion, or Jessica Alba's hotness. Hadesman is chasing some crazy-looking CGI hellhound through a moving subway train, and he ends up falling underneath the moving cars, landing flat on his back. Being the genius he is, he constantly raises his head, only to have it beat down again by moving train cars.
Once the train has passed over, Hellboy calmly sits up, and the nubs where his horns once were (he keeps them filed to fit in) are glowing red with heat, an obvious occurrence when the friction of 80 train cars skids over your ugly mug. In an instant, I saw my enjoyment jump off a bridge as Hellboy touches his horn nubs, and, being immune to fire....somehow says "OUCH!"
I cried. This movie blows.
User Reviews
Submitted by Staccers (user info) at 2004-05-27 13:36:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I read the comics way before the movie. The comics are really good.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-05-27 11:48:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Because Homsar is one funny son of a bitch. I mean, how often do you get raised by a cup of coffee. He's been there, man. He's been there.
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-05-27 11:30:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Been there... done that.... Got the T shirt
Returned it
-1 only because of the conversation with "almighty"
Submitted by FearBenzene (user info) at 2004-05-27 11:00:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-27 10:43:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for fictitious conversations with God http://www.ubersite.com/m/34110
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-05-27 10:39:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't see it but in the preview the line that says: "In the absence of light, darkness prevails" was enough to convince me of not going. No shit ! When there is no light, there is darkness ?!%! Whoaaa !?!!!$
Except for Dimmu Borgir soundtrack, this movie looks like crap.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-05-27 10:34:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Selma blair is a hawtie.
GIMME THAT POONTANG!
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2004-05-27 10:33:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah, my boyfriend dragged me to that piece of crap. He didn't like it either, though.