Tom vs. The Drunk Chick (9831 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Tom
Rating: 1.77 on 55 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2004-05-27 14:47:46 EDT
When Tom and Nick and I were roommates, we used to have "Jungle Juice" parties at our apartment about twice a month. I'm sure most of you know of, have heard of, or have tasted Jungle Juice, but for those of you not clued-up, here is our secret formula:
(1) half-gal. Bacardi 151 (about 2L for the metric folk)
(1) half-gal. Smirnoff Blue Label
(1) fifth Everclear (about 750 mL)
(3) gal. Orange or Lemon-lime Gatorade
(2) L Mello-Yello or Mountain Dew
(1) handful crushed caffeine pills dissolved in a cup of hot water
We even bought one of those orange 5-gal sports coolers with the tap on it, specifically for our parties. We always got loads of compliments on our brew. I loved it. It tasted a lot like lemonade. A little piece of advice? Don't DRINK it like lemonade. It will Fuck You Up Fast.
The party that night was progressing along nicely. Tom collected the money at the door, Nick handed them a small plastic cup and admonished them to not chug it, lest they end up in the Emergency Room. I hovered near the cooler in the kitchen, to ensure that no one tried to sneak in a 7/11 Big Gulp tankard or otherwise Bogart the mix.
Our parties were typically self-regulating. That is to say, the line for Juice was usually long enough that no one could really hammer themselves without a fair amount of warning. That's not to say that people didn't get drunk. God knows almost everyone got plastered in our apartment. What I mean is, no one drank quickly enough to force a blackout, induce a seizure, or bring about alcohol poisoning.
Then the drunk chick showed up. You all know who I'm talking about. The Drunk Chick. The freshman girl who came to your party and tried to drink like a sailor. The lass who yearned to break away from her parochial school upbringing and taste the sweetness of her newly found freedom in college. The girl who didn't know any better.
To be fair, she wasn't drunk when she arrived. No, it wasn't until Tom collected her $5 that things started to go downhill. Rapidly. Through some preposterous quirk in the laws of social dynamics, the Juice line dissipated, and Drunk Chick found herself all alone at the tap. Tom approached me.
Tom: "I'm tired of collecting money. You do it. I'll watch the tap."
Me: "Uh...Okay."
Now, I don't really think Tom was "tired of collecting money". I immediately (and correctly) surmised that Tom's cognitive progression went along these lines: Hey! Here's a new girl who doesn't know I'm Mad As A Bag Of Badgers. Game on!
I left the kitchen for the front door to monitor incoming guests, and busied myself there for a good 15 minutes. When I got back around to the kitchen the girl WAS STILL AT THE TAP. Drinking. Killing her liver single-handedly. Leaving Las Vegas, if you dig what I'm saying. I pulled Tom aside.
Me: "Tom, what the fuck are you doing?"
Tom (scowling): "What? I'm just giving her a head start, so she doesn't have to wait in line."
Me: "You fucking Fruit Loop, she's gonna black out!"
Tom: "FINE!! SO I'LL TAKE HER TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL!!"
Rather than get into an argument about it (which, of course, had the strong likelihood of exploding into a full blown one-sided psycho scream-fest), I let it go.
Me: "Fine. You're responsible for her."
Surprisingly, the rest of the guests were fairly well behaved, and the festivities went off without much trouble. I did notice, however, that Tom and the Drunk Chick disappeared sometime during the evening, well before the last guest left. Nick and I decided to leave the cleanup for the morning.
I was aroused from my slumber some time later by the most ghastly screeching imaginable. I immediately launched myself out of bed and down the hall to Tom's room, where he was furiously slapping the Drunk Chick across the face and Shrieking Like A Berserker in an attempt to induce consciousness. Nick was already there, trying to calm him down. Let me just say that the Drunk Chick was Fucked Up. I checked her breathing, which was extremely shallow. Her pulse was very faint. All the while Tom was in hysterics. He kept screaming and crying and was completely irrational. It grated my nerves to such a great extent that I lost my head completely.
Me: "SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU FUCKING PUSSY!!!"
To my astonishment, Tom instantly quieted down to a low whimper, allowing Nick and I to put our heads together and compose a workable plan. The strategy was basically this: Take her to the Emergency Room. One of us was not happy with the plan.
Tom: "No fucking way! We'll get busted for her underage drinking! Contributing to the delinquency of a minor! She'll sue us! My Dad will get disbarred! Forget it! I'm n-"
Nick: "WOULD YOU RATHER GET BUSTED FOR FUCKING MANSLAUGHTER?! SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FUCKING DUMBASS!!"
Wow. It really was the night to get away with all kinds of shit. Normally, there was no way Tom would have stood for any of that, but I suppose he was completely and utterly dependent on the two of us to get him out of his mess. Gingerly and quietly as we could, we picked up the Drunk Chick, carried her downstairs, and loaded her into Tom's Blazer. Off we sped towards the ER.
When we arrived at the entrance to the hospital, God smiled upon us by giving us a completely empty Emergency Room. The wasn't even any staff standing around. I put the car in park and surveyed the entrance for about 15 seconds before coming up with a revised plan. Nick ran to the entrance, swiped an empty gurney, and sprinted back to the car. Tom and I were ready with the Drunk Chick. We laid her down upon the gurney and the three of us furiously pushed it towards the automatic doors. We stopped well short of the security cameras, and let her momentum carry her through the doors and into the hospital. Then we sprinted back to the car and hauled ass the fuck out of there. The last we saw of her that night, the Drunk Chick was careening down the antiseptic halls of the Watauga County Medical Center.
Once back on the main roads, we all breathed a huge sight of relief, but our night was not over. Tom was absolutely convinced that the girl would tell the cops, who would come kicking in the door SWAT-style within the hour. Despite Nick's and my best efforts, he would not be dissuaded. So we all feverishly cleaned up the apartment well into midmorning. By the time we were done, that place looked like a Goddamned decorator's showroom. We went to sleep.
Later on that afternoon, we were all roughly awakened by a series of booming knocks at the front door. The Drunk Chick had shown up. Her eyes had the burst blood vessels you get from vomiting too hard. Her face was extremely pale, and she looked positively dreadful. So did her obviously livid father, who had her by the hand. The guy looked like he was about to fly into a rage any second. But I'll give Tom full credit. He kept himself completely tranquil the entire time. Fear will do that to you, I suppose. He even answered the door holding his mother's Bible.
Tom: "Hello?"
Father: "SHE'S ONLY FOURTEEN WHAT IN THE BLUE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING WITH MY DAUGHTER!!!"
Tom: "What? I don't th-"
Father: "DON'T GIVE ME THAT FUCKING BULLSHIT I KNOW YOU HAD A PARTY HERE LAST NIGHT!!"
Drunk Chick: "I don't think this is the place, Dad. The place I went to didn't look anything like this. Maybe it's the apartment next d-"
Father: "GODDAMNIT CINDY WHERE IN THE HELL DID YOU GO LAST NIGHT I DIDN'T RAISE YOU TO BECOME A FUCKING WHORE!!"
And off he stomped down our stairs, practically dragging his daughter behind him. The three of us stood at the top of the stairs, speechless and visibly relieved at their impending retreat. But I swear to God, I saw her turn back to us smiling just before they turned the corner.
She winked at us. Un-fucking-unbelievable.
User Reviews
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-08-08 19:47:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2004-11-18 16:16:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I should dig up more of your nuggets..
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-11-18 15:55:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy crap I missed this. Is this a good time to tell you that I not only went to Watauga High School, but grad school at App State?
Submitted by ishgirl at 2004-07-28 18:55:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God Damnit Jimbo!! im walkin around my house laughin my ass off. My family keeps lookin at me like WTF is wrong with u. LOL
Submitted by Sambuca310 (user info) at 2004-07-26 14:31:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that is greatness
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-26 13:41:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
id fuck her with a grilled cheese sammich
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2004-07-08 03:29:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by braincramp (user info) at 2004-06-16 13:19:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What a bunch of losers, you have to party with fourteen year olds. And I bet he didn't even score. What's wrong? Can't get a girl your age to play with you? Where did you pick her up at? The skating rink. I bet you spent all day combing the junior high's to find someone to come to your pathetic party. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Losers.
P.S.- Who won the door prizes you were giving away?
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-06-16 12:58:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
By the way, here's what happens when you mess with the Juice formula: http://www.ubersite.com/m/35850
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-06-06 23:59:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do they really measure those bottles in increments of gallons? Isn't what you call a half gallon actually 1.75 liters?
I know 750 ml is 1/5 gallon roughly.
When I hear people refer to large bottles in that fashion, it reminds me of growing up in the stix. Of course, I am not insinuating that you are an idiot or anything.
Ok, I'm digging a deep hole. +2!! Am I out?
Submitted by melkorthedelerious (user info) at 2004-06-06 23:50:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thats assuming 1/2 gall 151 proof, 1/2 gal 80 proof (guessing), 1/5 gal 190 proof
and a total of 4.7 gallons per batch
Submitted by melkorthedelerious (user info) at 2004-06-06 23:48:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
On a quick check I get 16.3 %
that would be 32.6 proof
or about 3-4 times as strong as beer.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-06-04 10:15:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The only reference I could find online says it's 190 proof. That's pretty powerful stuff. Yeah, you probably wouldn't want to shoot that. I'm no physician, though.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-04 10:02:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That sounds about right, that's not even 80 proof. Everclear is like 180 proof, isn't it?
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-06-04 09:57:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I just did a rough calculation, and that Jungle Juice recipe comes out to about 38% alcohol. That means that one 12 ounce serving of that is equivalent to about 8 beers. Jesus Christ, can that be right? Someone please check my math. It'd be scary to think I was poisoning people all those years.
Submitted by lp510 (user info) at 2004-06-03 15:32:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hysterical
Submitted by texgirl (user info) at 2004-06-03 15:15:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The last we saw of her that night, the Drunk Chick was careening down the antiseptic halls of the Watauga County Medical Center"
that's great haha i love it +2
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:58:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
holy fucking shit. classic. hahah way to just heave her into the hospital hahahaha
-BongZilla
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-06-01 23:31:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sweet.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-05-29 16:20:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahaha! Awesome post. Tom rules so much. But not as much as Jimbo.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-05-29 14:18:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking amazing. I love the Tom stories. I loveD the "GODDAMNIT CINDY WHERE IN THE HELL DID YOU GO LAST NIGHT I DIDN'T RAISE YOU TO BECOME A FUCKING WHORE!!"
Hilarious.
Aha....
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-29 14:04:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2004-05-27 21:12:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
the only way this would have been better is if you rolled her up to the hospital in a shopping cart.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-29 14:03:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He even answered the door holding his mother's Bible.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2004-05-27 21:12:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the only way this would have been better is if you rolled her up to the hospital in a shopping cart.
Submitted by FearBenzene (user info) at 2004-05-27 20:15:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by frozen-vodka (user info) at 2004-05-27 19:22:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*grin* I've actually had a drunk guy...pretty similar situation, except he was the pansiest Navy guy I've ever met. Ditched him in the ER...too crowded on a Friday night for anyone to notice some dude passed out in the corner...
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-05-27 19:00:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i always hated "the drunk chick". they would challenge me every time, because everyone knew i was the reigning drinking champ. they would always act like a girl could handle just as much as a guy. my favorite was when they tried to prove their point by chugging Barcardi or the likes, and passed out immediately. when it came down to beer for beer, i'd have a 30 pack down before they could finish an 18 pack. one girl challegened me, lost, then passed out. i found her in a chair on my patio later on with soiled pants. she came back the next week for the next party, and did the same thing. tried to drink more than she could handle, passed out, pissed herself again.
Submitted by Dufflady (user info) at 2004-05-27 18:28:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-05-27 18:06:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastique.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-05-27 17:56:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
!!
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-05-27 17:02:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You bad bad men!
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-05-27 16:51:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's called "Badass Australian Cows"
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-27 16:17:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just realized, you average over 2000 hits per post? How is that possible?
Submitted by WRECKER (user info) at 2004-05-27 16:15:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Instant classic. Magfuckingnificent.
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-05-27 15:55:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love good college stories like this.
A well deserved +2.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-05-27 15:46:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed. Then I snorted. Then my co-workers looked at me funny. Asshole.
"The last we saw of her that night, the Drunk Chick was careening down the antiseptic halls of the Watauga County Medical Center. "
Submitted by DarkDevil (user info) at 2004-05-27 15:42:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats sweet, sounds like a blast of a time. Have fun telling that story for the rest of your partying years.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-27 15:35:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom: "FINE!! SO I'LL TAKE HER TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL!!"
__________________________________________________________
Awesome. I lover posts about crazy Tom.
You are the only person I have ever seen consistently use "berserker" in posts. Hilarious.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-27 15:27:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Only read the beginning, but I must stop to comment
"Jungle Juice"
AKA Harry Buffalo or PJ (Party Juice) down south
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-05-27 15:26:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I gotta try that shit someday.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-05-27 15:26:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for the recipe
+1 for the vision of her flying down the hallway of the ER
+500 for not getting busted by her dad
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-05-27 15:20:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your fucking stories kick ass.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-05-27 15:15:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Whoops. I should definitely state for the record that NOTHING happened between them.
Submitted by transcendent (user info) at 2004-05-27 15:13:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the recipe.
Gotta try that sometime.
Submitted by Lucky (user info) at 2004-05-27 15:12:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
14?!
Yikes
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-05-27 15:09:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaHAHAHAHAHA!!!
You fucking rule.
Submitted by finfan3 (user info) at 2004-05-27 15:08:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha, dude, I gotta give that a 2. That definitely deserves it! Dude, that's some strong stuff. Yeah, and that's wicked awesome, the whole emergency room thing. Just imagine working the night shift, and seeing some random girl go flying into the room on a stretcher. That had to make at least ONE doctor's night!
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-05-27 15:06:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh yeah...Mountaineers, baby...
Submitted by Whiskey_Sour (user info) at 2004-05-27 15:03:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Watauga County as in Boone, ASU?
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-05-27 15:00:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom stories will ALWAYS get +2s from me.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-05-27 14:56:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He was holding a bible? Hahaha!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-05-27 14:56:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Un-fucking-unbelievable" That's double negation. It means you believe it.
I got to find some 'flaws' in what I find to be a perfect post.
+2
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-05-27 14:55:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
so he fucked a 14yr old?
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-27 14:53:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wooooooooooooooot!
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-05-27 14:53:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There is a reason i tell people you are the man.