Expanding the Boundaries of Science: Bigfoot Captured! (1371 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 1.69 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SausageKing (View user info) at 2004-05-27 23:03:57 EDT
In one of my greatest scientific accomplishments ever, I have captured and experimented on the legendary and elusive bigfoot. As I went to take out the trash one evening, I spotted him rooting through my garbage for food and empty soda cans. I quietly slipped back into my house and grabbed a rope. In my spare time I am a rodeo cowboy and I am very good with a lasso.
I quietly snuck up behind him and roped the big hairy bastard.
"Yeeeee Haaaaaaaw! I got me a Sasquatch!" I hollered loud enough so the neighbors could hear.
I dragged him kicking and screaming into the laboratory in my basement. After I strapped him down to my science bench I began several experiments on the great beast to see how he responded to various external stimuli. My plan was to discover how close to human the bigfoot truly is.
Here are the startling results of two of those experiments.
1. Shame and Humiliation Reflex
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(Please view image 1)
- Purpose:
One of the things that separates human beings from animals is our ability to feel shame and humiliation. In this experiment I set out to prove whether or not a bigfoot can feel these emotions, ergo discovering how psychologically close they are to humans.
- Methodology
The bigfoot was a male, so this left some experimental options open to me that would not be available for a female. First off I made up the Sasquatch face with cosmetics left over from a previous experiment. Unlike my previous experiments, I intentionally did a bad job so that the Sasquatch would look very slutty. I used way too much eye shadow and far too much rouge.
Next I put a cloth diaper and a ballerina's tutu on the beast. I could think of nothing more shameful to wear. Then I put on a Pipi Longstocking wig on its head and high toed heels on its to deemphasis the large feet.
Now it was time to verbally berate the primate.
"You are nothing! You are just a giant, worthless bag of crap!" I jeered at it, pointing in disgust.
"Your appearance is comical and shameful!"
"You are inadequate sexually as well as undesirable, and your genitals are shriveled and unappealing. No female will ever want to mate with you."
"Your stench is like a mountain of baby diapers festering in the hot sun. Also, your pelt is matted with dung."
And so and so forth, you get the idea.
- Results
I have to admit the results were somewhat ambiguous. Sure, with the dress, wig and diaper the bigfoot looked shameful and I know I would be humiliated if I looked like that. The Sasquatch did not seem to mind though. He was smiling the entire time and almost seemed entertained by my beration.
Intriguing.
2. Sexual Stimulus Response
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(Please view image 2)
- Purpose:
Sexual stimulus and arousal response in humans is very complicated and unique from individual to invidiously, but in animals things are much simpler. Through the right trigger stimuli you can get a sexual response from an animal in quite a predicable fashion.
This next experiment involved me trying to sexually entice the bigfoot.
- Methodology
First off, I put on an old Halloween costume of a bear suit to make myself hairy like a female Sasquatch. Next I had to simulate the pungent smell of a bigfoot in heat, so I collected fresh dog feces from my lawn and spread some of it around the fur of the bear suit.
I turned on some Barry White music to get in the mood, and then I started my dance of enticement in front of the primate. The dance of enticement involves me gyrating my feces-smeared rump in an alluring and suggestive manner. It really is quite entrancing and it works on my girlfriend every time.
Now I made the sound of what I assume is the bigfoot mating call, "Ca CAW! Caaa CAWWWW!!!" (It's very similar to the sound a crow makes)
To let my captive know that he was the object of my desire, I hurled some left-over dung at him and shrieked in an ape-like fashion. He became wide-eyed and struggled against his restraints to get at me.
It was working!
Now it was time.
I bent over and presented my rear to the Sasquatch in the standard mammal mating position. I slapped my rump a few times, rubbed a bit more feces on it and made another Sasquatch mating call to indicate that I was ready. "Ca Caw!"
- Results
At this point, everything became a blur. I heard the crashing sound of the Sasquatch breaking free from its restraints. I turned my head around just enough to see a giant hairy form roughly grab me from behind. The last thing I remember before blacking out is hearing a loud howl of triumph from the bigfoot and an involuntary cry of dismay from myself.
I woke up on the laboratory floor hours later and the Sasquatch was gone. The first thing I had to check was my anus. I felt around my rear and found that the sasquatch had indeed sexually assaulted me. My anus was battered and distended, and I was leaking a substance I can only assume is bigfoot seed.
Sometimes I reflect and wonder if the pursuit of scientific knowledge is worth the pain and suffering.
User Reviews
Submitted by DSC <diamondstarcat.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-06-07 21:38:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
braincramp: The fact that your TV broke and you didn't kill yourself meant that you liked it. Nice logic there, Einstein.
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-06-05 15:13:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Yeeeee Haaaaaaaw! I got me a Sasquatch!" I hollered loud enough so the neighbors could hear.
Living in Montana, that just seems really funny.
Submitted by braincramp (user info) at 2004-06-05 15:00:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
The fact that u got fucked up the ass by an actual male penis and did not kill yourself means u liked it, which makes u a fucking faggot.
Submitted by braincramp (user info) at 2004-06-05 13:20:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Now u probably got the Bigfoot Aids virus.
P.S.- did bigfoot leave u a twenty for your services or did he just leave?
Submitted by craptastic (user info) at 2004-05-28 18:00:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you have too much time on your hands
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-05-28 14:20:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very excellent
Submitted by dohnuts (user info) at 2004-05-28 12:32:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gotta love the Scientific Method...
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-05-28 11:46:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lucky (user info) at 2004-05-28 11:41:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lovely.
Submitted by cwl989 (user info) at 2004-05-28 11:04:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All in the name of science...
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-05-28 10:52:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bizarre and funny. Another Sausage King Classic.
I'm still waiting for your purple shit experiment. http://www.ubersite.com/m/33047
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-05-28 10:16:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Big_Poppa_Tom (user info) at 2004-05-28 10:03:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
as long as it was in the name of science
Submitted by stevo (user info) at 2004-05-28 08:36:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment necessary
Submitted by Fleadh (user info) at 2004-05-28 07:52:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome in every way
Submitted by Lucifer_Industries (user info) at 2004-05-28 07:08:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just got home from work. This had me laughing out loud. It is what I needed.
Malone
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-05-28 05:31:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Liberty Bell - Liberty Bell - Liberty Bell
Cha-Ching!
<Insert sound of coins falling>
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-28 01:33:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahaha...... That was brilliant.
Submitted by CunningVision (user info) at 2004-05-28 00:52:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder what the Yeti would have done.
Submitted by Domochevsky (user info) at 2004-05-27 23:34:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Science has come a long way...
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-05-27 23:22:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Poor Harry
Submitted by DancingHobo (user info) at 2004-05-27 23:15:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nobel prize worthy.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-05-27 23:13:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
beautiful.
Submitted by Rixes (user info) at 2004-05-27 23:12:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"...the sasquatch had indeed sexually assaulted me..."