Survival (753 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 0.5 on 6 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by no_e_mail_address (View user info) at 2004-05-28 01:37:45 EDT
Look, I've been meaning to drill this shit into people's heads for so *GODDAMN* long, but I never really had a large audience. Then I discovered ubersite. And so, I present to you some simple rules. Read them, memorize them, and practice them.
For chics:
If someone says something along the lines of, for example, "i hate people". DO NOT ask "well do you hate me?" Before spewing out such crap, consider this: can you consider yourself a person? Was the original statement general enough to be targeted towards *EVERY*-fucking-*ONE*? Are you included in everyone? Learn to put 2 & 2 together. Shit this really short circuits all of my fuses in half a nano-second, and the answer I give is typically sarcastic. Ask a stupid question, and ye shall receive a stupid answer.
If we're having a philosophical debate, and I prove my point by walking you through all the logical steps, and in the end you're left with no choice but to acknowledge my proof as a sound one, do *NOT* return to your incorrect thesis and still try to force it on me. For example:
Me: thesis 'x' blah blah logical operators blah blah so on and so forth blah blah conclusion. Does that make sense?
Other: Yes it does.
Me: Then how can you possibly stick to your thesis 'y'?
Other: because your proof is wrong.
Me: How the fuck is my thesis wrong? Point out *EXACTLY* where it went wrong.
Other: It is wrong. *JUST BECAUSE*.
'Because' is neither cute nor a proof. Fuck that, it's not even a sentence. It's a sentence fragment...and an incomplete one at that since most people call it 'cuz' rather then 'because'.
Also, while we're talking about logic and stuff, let me just point this out: If you've got an ass big enough to support life itself, do not ask "does my butt look big?" You already know the answer and even if the other person gives you the politically correct answer, you *STILL* know the real answer. Fuck, you wouldn't be asking this question if you didn't already know the answer. Just because someone lies to you doesn't change the ugly reality.
One more thing, *SAY WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE THINKING*--*DO NOT BEAT AROUND THE BUSH*. If something is bothering you, open that hell hole and spew out the complaint directly. Also, do mutually exclusive events mutually exclusively, for example: If a guy pays too much attention to you, he's a wimp because you wish to be man handled, and if a guy treats you like a piece of shit, you want to be treated nicely. In short, stick to the bullshit you claim to want and once you get it, be happy with it.
For dudes:
Please *STOP* bullshitting. Everyone knows someone who apparently owns every-goddamn-thing and has done every-goddamn-thing. These type of people are impossible to talk to. You say one simple thing and they go off ranting and raving (and self complimenting) as to how they've done the same thing, only in a larger magnitude. The idea of good/evil seems to be lost on these people. For example,
You: "Man, I was paintballing yesterday, and i shot 15 people."
Him: "Bro, I used to paintball, and I was so good at it that this one time I took out the entire opposing team of 1500 players single handedly, and all of them were bleeding profusely, too.
Example # 2:
You: "Dude, I got accepted to medical school!"
Him: "Bro, every single person in my family tree was accepted to medical school, and this one time, my uncle performed a surgery on this dead man, and actually ended up making him alive."
Example # 3:
You: "Geez man, that was some seriously stinky dump I took there."
Him: "Bro, the last time I took a shit, all the paint in the bathroom curled up prior to chipping off. The window glass took on a pale tint and my shit would've burnt through the porcelain throne if I hadn't flushed it fast enough. Hell the army uses my shit rather then iodine to purify their water supply."
Clearly, they're incapable of discriminating between good and bad qualities. The bottom line is that no matter what the fuck you say, they will always reply in a larger magnitude. "I almost died yesterday!" Reply: "Just died? Bro, I've been dead 15 times already and look I'm still alive!"
Also, shed all of your false prides. This one guy I know takes *WAY* too much pride in his block. According to him, no one can come to his neighborhood and touch him, or anyone else. You live in the New-fucking-York city, man! Get a fucking clue! Neighbors don't even care enough to say hi to each other in the morning (not necessarily a bad thing), and here you are making your neighborhood sounding like one big organized crime family.
Another complaint: You, and everyone else knows that you jerk off/beat the monkey/apply the hand-break/choke the chicken etc. Don't deny it.
Oh and while you're walking on the sidewalks, please avoid walking like a freaking penguin with a limp. It's neither cool nor efficient. This lame jerk I knew in high school purposely walked freakishly slow, like a penguin with a very visible limp. Deal with the reality: You're not a swan. You're simply a slow jerk off seeking attention. Please go home and kill yourself, or walk like that in circles around your mom because apparently she didn't give you enough attention when you were a kid.
To everyone: Have the balls to face the fucking reality. As Chuck Palahniuk put it in Fight Club: "You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everyone else, and we are all part of the same compost pile."
There's much more but I think I need to close my eyes and drift into my happy place before my head melts out of my nose.
User Reviews
Submitted by disgruntled at 2004-05-28 17:37:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well yeah, of course, it goes for everyone, but I've personally always experienced guys who do this crap. That's why it was directed towards men =)
Submitted by Fiore at 2004-05-28 11:45:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I used to have a girlfriend who owned every-fucking-thing and had done every-fucking-thing. What a pain in tthe ass. Goddamn, she "one-upped" me every time I opened my mouth. So, this doesn't just work for dudes.
Submitted by euripidestrousers (user info) at 2004-05-28 10:47:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-05-28 03:58:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Negative ghost rider, the pattern is full.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-05-28 03:52:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2004-05-28 01:45:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
UNBAN KOOLMANG!!!