Tempus Fugit (879 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalLabels: Dano
Rating: 1.92 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Scott James <srrjames.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-05-30 01:15:06 EDT
I sometimes like to think that the more things change, the more they stay the same.
I think that a predominantly negative character trait can sometimes actually be turned into a positive.
That evening I stepped out into the radiant shine of the autumn sunset. Despite the awesome glare that forced me to scrunch my eyes into two tiny black holes, I could not help but be overawed.
An hour earlier, I had woken up with a start. Nightshifts suck. My cell phone was ringing incessantly, cutting deep into my auditory sensors. The shrill bleeping made my teeth vibrate. I leant out of bed and rustled through my clothes on the floor to locate it.
Upon inspecting the caller's ID, I answered the phone with a resigned huff.
"Hi Dano. What's up?"
"You better get up here, man. You're late."
Dano and I had not seen each other in ages. I had taken time off work to return home and meet up with him and other members of my family. Naturally, I was expecting the kind of histrionics that have since become legend here, but it had been nearly three years since the two of us had been really close. I had moved away to university, then to America and then to England, all the while Dano was still living in Wales. To be honest, I didn't know what to expect. His brother, Lefty, was still in contact with me and insisted that Dano's behaviour had improved a thousand fold, which was high praise indeed coming from a young man who had received the brunt of Dano's animosity when the two of them grew up together.
Besides, Dano had always exercised a lot of self-control in public. I imagined that would have improved also. So I put aside my fears and went drinking with the old maniac. After about two pints I realised how much I had missed him. A lot had been said about his insane ways of old, but if you stayed on the right side of him, then you could not ask for a more loyal and accommodating friend. He had even developed a sense of humour. His opinions sounded informed rather than plagiarised from some encyclopaedia. I was astounded by the change in him. More than anything, I was proud of him.
Three years before, Dano's mother had died from cancer. We had all taken it hard. I nearly dropped out of university following a nervous breakdown. Dano went on a self-destruct mission that nearly blew the family apart. Somehow, we had all found a way back from the brink and while the wounds would never be forgotten, they were at last beginning to heal.
Dano was changed for the better, yet somehow he managed to stay the same too.
During the last hour before closing time at the club, I was chatting with a girl who was obviously too young to be drinking yet far too pretty for me to care either way. Truth is that I had no intention of making a move - the thought of taking advantage of a drunken horny princess felt too much like rape to me - but I pursued the charade of flirting with her in the aims of pissing off her older brother, who had made my life a living hell during high school. I was sat on one side of the room with the girl, Sarah, while her brother, Glenn was at the bar giving me the kind of Murder Death Kill stare that I normally associated with Dano. After a while, I felt a slight pang of guilt for leading the girl astray and I confessed that while I found her to be both pretty and intelligent, it would be wrong of me to take this any further. I had not lied in my confession: she really did rock. She was seventeen years old and yet acted with a confidence and maturity that belied her schoolgirl appearance. The fact that girls mature faster than boys was never more evident than at that moment. I at least expected her to be a little taken aback by my statement, perhaps even a little upset. Instead she smiled sweetly, looked across at her older brother, then whispered in my ear:
"Don't worry," she whispered softly, "I know you're just trying to piss off my brother. I'll play along if you like. I think you're cute and he doesn't seem to like you. Why would I want to go?"
She put her hand on my leg. For a moment I had misgivings about my decision to adopt the role of noble and chivalrous gentleman. That moment lasted precisely three seconds.
"Cunt." I heard from over my shoulder. I knew who it was immediately.
"Alright Glenn, what's up?" I said without even turning around.
"What are you doing with my sister, Frankie?" He had said the magic word. My blood began to boil.
The name "Frankie" or any allusion to Frankenstein's Monster only ever had power over me in my hometown where I was persecuted for my appearance over a period of ten years right up until I left high school. The power of this word was normally amplified when used in the presence of a person of the opposite sex. Since leaving school however I had come to realise that it was just a word and I should not let it dictate how I felt about myself. Glenn had been one of the bandwagon tormentors; somebody who found my awkward appearance so funny that he acted like he was the founder of the Let's Pick On Scott Club. But I was no longer an acne ridden, fucked-up adolescent. Puberty was over. I looked like a presentable, and if I may say so, quite affable young man.
Not to Glenn though.
I stood up and turned around. Glenn was tall, but I was taller. There was a chair between the two of us. At least there would be no contemptible eye-to-eye posturing. His eyes were like daggers. I didn't make a sound. I just smirked. His eyes began to bulge; I thought they were going to implode. Then I grinned. It was the shiteating grin to end all shiteating grins.
"What the fuck are you smiling at, Frankie?" He sneered.
Then something happened. I felt my eyes light up. The word no longer had any power over me. I realised why. Sarah was standing next to me with her arm cradled around my back. She looked at her brother straight on.
"Fuck off, Glenn. You're drunk."
Holy shit, I had never seen a man taken down so badly. He looked ready to shit himself with rage. Instead he pushed me. Hard. I stumbled back.
"Get away from my sister, you lanky cunt!" He hollered.
Damn, I thought as I regained my balance, the last thing I needed was a brawl with a man who had just shit his pants. As if to answer my prayers for sanity to stamp its authority on the situation, The Left Hand of God revealed itself in the most unusual form imaginable - a Screaming Berserker Inc a.k.a. the Artist Formerly Known As Dano.
I'm not sure how long he had been present or even how much of the altercation he had witnessed, but within nanoseconds of the first shove, Dano got himself between Glenn and myself before I even realised he was even there. Dano was a little shorter than Glenn, but a hell of a lot stockier. His back was turned to me, so I could only imagine the MDK stare Dano was putting on my would-be assailant.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing to my boy, fuckwit?" Dano's voice boomed.
I held my breath; the tone of Glenn's reply would be as crucial as the reply itself. Apparently, Glenn was in a real fighting kind of mood.
"What the hell does it look like, you simple ugly fuck?" Glenn bellowed.
I could not believe me my fucking ears. Obviously, I was not the only person in the room who knew where this was going, but nobody but me knew quite how badly it was going to get. Insulting Dano's intelligence was tantamount to pulling on the tail of a lion. Making fun of his appearance was the equivalent of putting your head in the lion's mouth and whipping its testicles with a wet towel.
Given Dano's history of hysterical tantrums and berserker hollering, his snappy retort was the pinnacle of sophistication.
"CUNT!!!" Roared Dano.
"WAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!" Cried Glenn, who landed six feet away, crashing into a set of chairs and tables splintering them into firewood.
I only saw one swift movement and to this day I am still not sure what the hell it was. Dano's shoulders shifted, Glenn ended up in a pile of broken furniture a few feet away. It was that simple. Nobody else in the room moved. I could hear the doorman running up the stairs to throw us out.
As if reading my mind, Dano patted me on the shoulder and said, "I think we better go,"
I took Sarah by the hand and the two of us followed Dano out of the club via a second staircase as to avoid security. With the Berserker in front, nobody attempted to stop us. In fact, people were getting out of our way. He had that damn look in his eyes, I swear. We even managed to get out the club without further incident.
Outside, I hailed a cab and motioned for Sarah to get in. She was giggling about what happened top her brother and assured me that Dano and I had given her enough material to give the shithead hassle for the next few months. I thought it was odd that she would dislike her brother so much, but then again I knew better than anybody that not everybody like to play happy families. She gave us both a kiss on the cheek before hopping in the car and being driven off.
Dano and I started to walk through the town centre in search of our own cab. As we approached an ATM, I told him that I was impressed with how he handled the situation and that I was proud of him. Not just then but for the man he had become. It was only then that I realised that I was spouting drunken platitudes and that Dano would not detect the sincerity in my statement.
"I know, Scott." He said, "If anybody was going to have faith in me, I knew it would be you." I felt humbled.
Dano simply smiled and attempted to take money from the ATM machine. It promptly decided to ruin this tender moment by eating Dano's credit card.
At first Dano just pushed a few random buttons with his finger. Then he tried doing it with his fists. Then he Shrieked Like A Berserker and proceeded to kick the shit out of the ATM machine, hurling obscenities at it like it had deliberately stolen his card.
I carried on strolling down the street with a strange little smile on my face.
'Yep,' I thought to myself, 'the more things change, the more they stay the same.'
User Reviews
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-11-19 08:59:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-22 13:41:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spookster (user info) at 2004-08-05 07:56:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Making fun of his appearance was the equivalent of putting your head in the lion's mouth and whipping its testicles with a wet towel..."
Gold.
-Spookster
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-06-15 15:33:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn man, you're gonna get me fired...or at least commited with all my fits of snickering.
Nice end to the Tales o' Dano.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-06-02 07:50:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, I've been sick these last few days and haven't had a chance to read this. Fucking brilliant.
The mental image of Glenn whipping a lion's nuts with a wet towel made me laugh like a ree ree.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-05-31 15:40:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Mmmmmmmmmm, Josie & Mystia. Yum.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-05-31 14:29:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-05-30 21:48:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus ça change, plus ça la même chose, wigger.
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-05-30 18:02:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Poignant. Nice writing.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-30 11:10:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to make out with you more than Josie.
Ignore her. Look over here.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-05-30 10:47:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I nearly wet myself. Fortunately, it was only nearly.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-05-30 10:11:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to make out with you and your writing ability. Let's set a date.
I liked the title, also, because it reminds me of a crucial scene in a favorite book of mine.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-30 08:59:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love these stories.
Submitted by simplychilled (user info) at 2004-05-30 04:43:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice one Scott...
+1 for the post and +1 for that pic reminding me of such a classic film.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-30 04:01:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great post, but i personally think you should stop milking off the dano stories before it gets too old.
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-05-30 03:23:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Time flies.
I like it.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-05-30 01:56:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
the picture made me smile
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2004-05-30 01:22:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
didnt bother to read but 2 for the pic
god i love that movie
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-05-30 01:18:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Here are the posts that started it all:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/32733
http://www.ubersite.com/m/33845
http://www.ubersite.com/m/34209