Chester the Molester (2482 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 0.45 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Rainer <RainerLagStyle.at.iGlide.net> (View user info) at 2004-05-31 00:50:20 EDT
Well, as you all know, this weekend was Memorial Day weekend. As per usual, my family decides to go on a campout, the assholes. Thus begins my account of the day.
As I pulled into lot 105, I noticed that Shadybrook was quite possibly the shittiest lakeside community I'd ever had the displeasure of laying my eyes on. After passing the 100-some-odd run-down trailors, I caught a glimpse of my family from afar. If they were all standing within 2 feet of eachother, it would be The Blob all over again.
Anyway, being a bunch of teenagers, my cousin, our two friends and I got on a go-kart (quiet, you) and sped off into the distance. Little did we know there were plenty of pricks, cops, and pedophiles as far as the eye could see around this shithole they call a community.
Right off the bat, we have some old bag pull up to us in a Ford F-150 (sure, let's go slow and block all the lanes while we're at it) with some stupid poodle in her lap.
"Are yew boys thuh ones ridin' that thar scewter down da road?"
"OH! YOU MEAN THAT THAR SCEWTER RIGHT THAR? THE FO-WHEELED MOFUCKA?! YA DAT BE ARRS!" yelled my friend Josh, the asshole.
"Ahhh, yew keeds don't be a drivin' in dat road, okay!?"
"I'm Rick James, bitch!" I said as I slapped her dog. Actually, we just said OK and she drove off, but whatever.
Not 5 minutes later, some security (uh oh, don't break into the trailors 'round here) truck pulls up and the guy tells us to get the fuck off the road. Well, since we're teens, we obviously aren't going to listen, so we speed off the opposite way into the woods. Fun, I think.
Of course, my cousin runs the go-kart into a fuckin' tree and sends us all flying. Way to go, champ. We ended up having to walk about a mile back to our lot, which wasn't too bad, until Chester the Molester appeared to ruin the fun.
As we were walking down one of the trailor-filled roads, my cousin John spotted an abandoned trailor. Being the idiot that he is, he went over to check it out. Our friend Nathan started counting down to when some hillbilly would blow John's brains out, and we were almost right.
Right when John leaves the house, some old dude with binoculars and a sniper rifle comes walking out of the forest, and tells John to stop where he is. Nathan and I just keep walking, because we're assholes of course, and Josh is...gone. John's being interrogated by said pedophile, and he asks him for his name and lot number. We didn't know the lot number, so he just gave him his name, which was pretty damned stupid. So, we walk back to the lot, 5 minutes later all of the adults are interrogating us as bad as the old geezard was.
Turns out the ignorant fuck called the sheriff on us. Not just the cops, the sheriff. I hate him already.
After getting thoroughly griped out by John's dad (he's an asshole too. Bleh), the sheriff and the security guy pull up into the driveway and call us up for questioning, with Chester the Molester sitting about 30 yards down with his fuckin' binoculars. Bastard.
Sheriff's an asshat, so right off the bat he asks us what we were doing. I'm an idiot, so I automatically said "Oh, you know, just selling crack to kids, making methanfedamyne, planning to burn down a house, y'know, everyday teen stuff." Hey, cops don't have a sense of humor. Go figure. Next thing I know I'm cuffed and thrown onto the hood of the sheriff's car (I hope a pigeon shits on it, bitch). They proceed to ask us for our names, numbers, addresses, all the usual shit.
I think we've already established that I'm an idiot. When the sheriff asked me what my name was, I blurted out "Daniel Westbrook," who just happens to be some stupid wigger from my school. Then he asks for my number, I tell him it's 555-0091, obviously a fake. He bought it. Then he asked for my address, I told him I lived at 1337 street, Whitehouse, Texas. Good luck getting me into the system, jerk.
Oh, did I mention that the security guy was an off-duty sheriff that has spoken at my school numerous times, and normally patrols Whitehouse? Yeah. Well, he is and he has and he does. One of those Village People was a policeman, so he's an auto-queer.
Dumbass and Dumbass Jr. drive off with our names (ha), and Chester sits in his car and stares at us. We, being the civilized and perfect gentlemen that we are, promptly pulled down our pants and mooned the jackass.
Well, that was fun. An hour later, we get into a fight with a bunch of college wiggers who flipped me off for no reason. Assholes, they got mad because I flipped them off. Eye for an eye, fuckers. After that was settled (way to go, pull a glock on some sophomores), we went to the pool (at a lake, yep) to chill because our day has been pretty damn hectic.
Woo! We encountered some fat sluts! They were trying to get into our pants the moment they saw us, and I wasn't sure of how to classify it; were they being whores or are we just that gat-damned sexy? Sadly, it was the former, because I saw them sucking off some random guy in the woods a couple hours later. That's alright, I've got a girlfriend. Whores.
I'm not sure how to end this post, as I don't remember much of the end on account of we found a cooler full of beer. I think we went out on a boat, but we don't have a boat. Hrm. Okay, let's just say we dove off a 50 foot embankment into the water, because we're that fucking awesome. Right, woohoo!
I hate people. </rant>
User Reviews
Submitted by Adona (user info) at 2004-05-31 10:01:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"I told him I lived at 1337 street..."
Great...
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-31 09:45:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I meant to give this a zero before.
I don't know how I rated it a 2.
I wasn't watching what I was doing I guess.
This isn't as bad as a -2
But it's not nearly a +2 either.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-05-31 09:16:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Blah blah don't I rock blah blah random obscenity blah.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-05-31 08:54:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Apalling.
don't give the little bitch false hope.
Submitted by euripidestrousers (user info) at 2004-05-31 08:36:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by atz (user info) at 2004-05-31 04:06:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is like one of those stories where everybody keeps taking turns adding stuff, only you're the one adding everything.
...So then, we ended up inside the house from Texas Chain Saw Massacre. We didn't recognize it at first, but then Leatherface came out and jogged our memories. He immediately grabbed his chainsaw and began running after us, but I'm just so awesome that I karate-chopped him in the throat, causing him to drop the chainsaw. We then decided to leave, when...
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-05-31 02:08:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really have no idea where you were going with this, but here.. +2.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-05-31 02:01:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OK I read this once, then twice and then three times.
I liked the way you got the accents in the dialogue. I thought that was worth a plus 2.
BUT the whole I am so cool and hip thing and everyone else are dipshits just crappped me out.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-05-31 01:55:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Way to go...
At one point some of my friends gave me the nickname "Chester." Long story.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-05-31 00:57:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hmmm, I think Ratemachine should have been my handle
heh
Submitted by RateMachine3000 (user info) at 2004-05-31 00:53:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty Good.