Loud and Disturbing Sex (3305 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.68 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SausageKing (View user info) at 2004-06-01 00:59:30 EDT
My girlfriend and I recently went on a weekend to Whistler with another couple that are good friends of ours. We shared a one bedroom condo up there right on the mountain side. My girlfriend and I got the hideabed in the living room and our friends stayed in the bedroom
Our friends made some subtle hints to us that the walls in the condo were paper thin, and that any of our amorous activities would be heard by them quite clearly over in the next bedroom.
"No problem, we'll be quiet," I assured them.
Well that was before drinking a pile of beer at a Whistler night club and hatching a drunken, devious idea for a prank. The plan was to take advantage of the thin walls of the condo and disturb my friends with loud and disturbing sex so much that they would be psychologically destroyed for life. I couldn't stop chuckling at the thought of it.
Just before everyone headed off to bed I secretly wrote up a little script for my girlfriend and I to follow. Fortunately my girlfriend was pretty lit up as well so she agreed to go along with it.
Here is how the prank went.
(GF = girlfriend)
Me: Who is my pony?
GF: I'm your pony!
Me: That's right! You are my pony. And what sound does my little pony make?
GF: Neigh! Neigh!
<The GF makes a very bad pony impression>
Me: And who is your elephant?
GF: You are my elephant!
Me: Yes! Indeed I am your elephant. Oeurrrrrrahhhh! OeurrrRRRHHHHH!
<I make some very poorly done elephant trumpeting sounds>
Me: And who is the Gimp?
GF: What?
Me: Uhh..nevermind
-----------------
Me: Here try this out.
GF: What the HELL is THAT? I can't BELIEVE you would bring something like that up here!
Me: Oh come on it will be fun. Just try it.
GF: Fine give it to me.
<Blood Curdling Screams from GF>
Me: Muahahahhahaa!
<Diabolical laughter from me>
GF: Oh god that was wonderful...I have never had it like that before. Where did you get that thing?
Me: From a wise old Chinese man. He said to never feed it after midnight or -
GF: Nevermind. I want to ride the pink pony! I want to ride the pink pony!
Me: Well then hop on up here little lady.
<I say this using my best John Wayne accent>
-----------------
Me: Oh my god what the hell is that?
GF: What?
Me: That! It's crawling out of you!
GF: Oh my god! Oh no! That's horrible! Kill it! Kill it!
<Blood curdling screams from both of us, the sounds of a brief struggle and then a thump of something flopping dead to the floor>
GF: Jesus I have never seen anything like that before!
Me: Me neither. God, it was hideous. It kind of grossed me out actually. I don't think I can go on any more.
GF: Really?
Me: Naaaa. Hop onto my flesh Creamsicle.
GF: Yes sir!
-----------------
Me: I am going to erupt like Mount Krakatoa!
GF: Spew your molten magma in me, volcano man
Me: It's gonna blow!
GF: Meep meep! Meep meep!
<The GF starts making Road Runner sounds>
Me: Waka waka waka waka waka -- BONZAI!!!! And I am spent.
<The 'waka waka' is the Pacman sound I tend to make before coming>
GF: Make me a sandwich bitch.
User Reviews
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-09-30 16:14:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where have you gone, Sausage King?
Submitted by braincramp (user info) at 2004-06-05 13:10:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sex sounds are one sure way to piss off people. I was the victim of actual sex sounds, not fake ones like yours. I was staying at my friend Chili's house. Chili is a big dude, about 350 pounds, and his woman was about 240 pounds. They would wake up in the middle of the night and go at it. It sounded like two bulls squaring off against each other, what with all that snorting and panting going on. When they would get their bodies rubbing and hitting each other it sounded like two walruses having a slap fight. I didn't stay there very long.
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-06-05 13:08:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because the title made me laugh out loud for some reason.
Great post.
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2004-06-05 12:57:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn.... what hotel was it?
Submitted by UlfGabe (user info) at 2004-06-05 12:56:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for the story, -1 for the pacman 3d version.
the old pac was the man.
Submitted by cheruboo (user info) at 2004-06-05 12:43:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GhostWriter (user info) at 2004-06-04 03:31:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ROFL
WAKAWAKWAWKAWKAWkAWAK
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-03 06:34:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I found this intensely arousing.
I also found your Bigfoot post intensely arousing.
I need help.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-01 18:43:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Come on, you don't have any friends (anymore anyways)
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-01 12:02:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-06-01 05:54:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hehehe, not bad.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-06-01 05:26:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gotta love that Pacman fella.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-06-01 02:35:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I bet you get asked to go away on a lot of weekends with other couples>
Submitted by moebius (user info) at 2004-06-01 02:28:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Let me guess.... Your pals never uttered a single word about it.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-06-01 01:48:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HOLY FUCKING SHIT.
i just fell and woke up the family because of this post.
AHHAHAHHAHAHHAHah
really?
nah, hop up on my flesh creamsicle.
HAHAHHAAHHAHAHHAHA
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-06-01 01:39:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAAAAAAHAHHAHAHA
Submitted by grlpisces (user info) at 2004-06-01 01:10:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah....they dont call you the sausage king for nothing
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-06-01 01:05:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-06-01 01:04:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
To a 15 year old, anything involving sex is funny.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-06-01 01:02:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved the last line - but the whole thing was good