Blue Flowered Horror (864 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.47 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by AshK (View user info) at 2004-06-01 18:01:57 EDT
Riiiiiiiing, riiiiiiiiiiing!
I glanced at the clock; 1AM, this can't be good.
"Hello?"
I could hear some faint whispering.
"Hello!?"
This time I could make out the whispers.
"Ashley?"
"Uh, Gramma?"
"Yes, are you up?"
I am now, HELLO!
"What's going on, Gramma?"
Her whispering sounded like some deranged prank caller, she is ninety-one maybe she has finally lost it.
"There is something dark in here."
At 1AM? Imagine that.
"In where, Gramma?"
"In the living room, it is on the wall."
My husband's snoring was making it hard to hear my possibly crazy grandma's frantic whispers.
"Ok, so there is something black on your living room wall?"
"Yes, and about 20 minutes ago, it moved."
Oh boy, so the old gal has been sitting in her living room all night staring at the wall. No wonder she is seeing spots. The Macular Degeneration must be acting up.
"Gramma, are you sure it moved?"
"Yes! I called your mom and she is on her way here, she wants you to come over."
I begin to curse the day we moved a block and a half from Gramma.
"Ok, I will be right there."
I slipped out of bed tossed on some jeans with the t-shirt I was already wearing and slipped my cell in my pocket. With one last look at my blissfully unaware husband and my rapidly cooling side of the bed I headed out.
Walking over was easier than finding my keys without waking anyone, so trotted around the block and arrived just after my mom.
I walked in the house to find both of them standing very still, staring at the wall. At the spot on the wall. At the spot on the wall that appears to have a head and eyes.
-blink-
Yep, it had eyes. Beady eyes. Beady eyes that blink.
-blink-
Hmm. So, there we stood the three remaining members of my Mother's family, staring at what seemed to be an impossibly large bat. He was at least the size of my poodle and I am sure some foam dripped from one of his seven inch fangs. He practically had an "I am rabid, hear me roar" ball cap.
My mom and I glanced at each other, briefly. Our eyes didn't leave the monster on the wall for long, and we started easing ourselves and my non-delusional grandma out of the room.
"Ok, so now what?" I asked my mom, keeping my eyes on the doorway to the living room. I know I could hear his talon like claws scraping on the blue flowered wallpaper.
"Well, Mom, you need to go to the bedroom and shut the door. I think that thing may be rabid." She said to gramma, allying my suspicion that the bat was deadly as well as ugly.
Once we got gramma situated, we decided we could catch the rabid monster bat and somehow beat it to death. The plan was golden, the plan was tight, the plan would involve blood on the new beige carpet, but who was thinking about bat blood at a time like this?
We grabbed a couple of towels from the bathroom, and headed back to the wall of horror. The blue flowered wall of.... Ummm. The monsterless blue flowered wall. She looked right, I looked left and then we both looked up. Up into the eyes of death. I screamed, mom screamed, the bat spoke in tongues and we all took off. Us out the back door and the pointy eared death demon back to his blue flowery perch.
The plan needed adjustments. I took mom's keys and headed around to the front door. I opened it carefully and propped it open, then headed back toward mom.
"I think we need some protection." She said, as she wedged the back screen door open. "That thing tried to eat my eyes, I know it did."
I didn't tell her that the devil's span had actually tried to eat MY eyes.
"Ok," I said, never say I'm not game "let's check the garage. There should be pointy things in the garage!"
Ten minutes later we stumbled out of the garage with laundry baskets on our heads and oven mitts to protect our vulnerable fingers that likely looked like succulent treats to the ravenous evil beast inside. My weapon of choice was the child's broom I played with when I was six, while mom brandished a grill spatula. Turns out we had borrowed all of gramma's pointy things to do our yard work. I guess we should attempt to return those.
Armed to the gills, we traipsed back in the house scanning for the fiend at every step. We were sure he would try to ambush us from under the table, or charge us from behind the dining room curtains, but the cunning vision of all that is unholy stayed right where we last saw him. The blue flowers mocking us.
I snuck up on his left while mom headed to the right. His eyes burned with a mavelont flame then he licked his lips thinking about snacking on our fingers, no doubt. I swung my mighty child's broom and mom waved her trusty spatula the phone in my pocket played the Nokia tune and vibrated. The monstrosity on the wall was still as death in his cunning attack.
We cleared the front door in 2.3 seconds, shrieking in our terror. I hit answer on my phone half shrieking half whispering "hello".
"Where in the Hell are you?! What is wrong?" My blissfully sleeping husband didn't sound so blissful anymore.
"Granma's...killer....bat....can't...catch...him." Made sense to me at the time.
"I'm on my way!"
My husband arrived in a flurry of sprayed gravel and hopped of the car out to rescue us.
"Where is he? Who is trying to kill your Grandma? WHAT do you have on your head?"
"There is a gianormous evil bat beast in the living room. He is rabid, and his fangs are huge!!" I panted. I knew my brave husband was in for the shock of his life.
"Stay here." Were the last words he said. He didn't even kiss me goodbye before heading in to battle.
The next thing we heard was a chuckle and my husband arrived at the door with his hands wrapped loosely around a wiggling arm rest. He opened the cloth and let the bat fly free.
"Gianormous evil bat beast?!" He chuckled.
Ok, so maybe the bat was more the size of a canary, but until you come face to face with one at 1AM I don't want to hear about it!
User Reviews
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-09 13:36:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This reads like a Circe post. I laughed.
Are you feeling it yet?
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2004-08-06 16:12:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-06-22 17:06:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How did I miss this?
Classic.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-06-22 06:57:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, throughout this whole thing I was wondering why the hell you didn't just call your husband to help you. After finishing it, I'm still wondering...
Silly women...
That bat is cute. Kind of look like my itty-bitty wittle wamsters, but with wings.
Submitted by David1 (user info) at 2004-06-11 23:11:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed it. :) stupid bats!
Submitted by cigar (user info) at 2004-06-11 23:10:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
godly post, thanks for the laugh.
Submitted by Bizdorph (user info) at 2004-06-11 22:41:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
what the fuck....you're a dolt
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-11 11:22:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-06-11 11:05:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't forget the play broom. I swear, the play broom was the icing on the cake.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-06-09 17:57:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and another because im still laughing at the thought of you and mom with laundry baskets on your head and oven mits on.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-06-09 17:57:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"He practically had an "I am rabid, hear me roar" ball cap."
there are too many of these gems for me to list. i.love.your.writing.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-06-09 17:33:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-06-02 10:23:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Solid. Funny. Reminded me of the movie "Black Sheep"...in a good way.
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2004-06-02 06:18:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so..
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2004-06-02 06:18:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
need a 1.5 button
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-06-02 05:55:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Bats are devil spawn. They rank just under spiders in Satan's Hierarchy of Evilness.
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-06-02 00:41:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Decent enough.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-06-01 20:41:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written.
Submitted by Fixer (user info) at 2004-06-01 18:39:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Amusing.
It is not long at all, though quick action can make long things read shorter.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-06-01 18:39:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Thats why women need us.
Submitted by SacredHeart (user info) at 2004-06-01 18:38:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Killer bats suck.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-06-01 18:03:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I know, I know WTF, I'm not reading all that. But, can't you feel the trauma?!?!