The Ballad of Skee, Porno Name and The $80 Jeans (1741 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.97 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Badlands (View user info) at 2004-06-01 19:02:03 EDT
I've been out of the dating scene for quite some time. Six years, if you want to know the truth. I'd been committed for the better part of my twenties to a heartless, soul-sucking bottom-feeding, materialistic tramp of a woman...not that I'm bitter. In any event, I've been nursing some pretty heady wounds for a few months now. And it's gotten to the point where I've even started calling myself a pussy.
My friend Skee is the kind of guy that women can't stand—yet fall all over each other to get naked for. He's egotistical, self-centered and unabashedly arrogant. Women tell his so all the time. I, they say, am a nice guy. Good for me, right? In a perfect world, maybe.
No, you see women are funny creatures. For some reason, the women that praise me and trash Skee, are the same women that are joyfully banging their craniums against his bedpost in the wee hours of the morning while I'm home watching I Love the '80s reruns. Seems a little backwards if you ask me.
So anyway, last Saturday night Skee tells me that he's meeting this, and I quote, "skirt I've been introducing to God for the past week", over at The Bob around midnight, and that I should come.
He explains that her friend—the one with "the most fuckable ass" he's ever seen—is coming with her. "And Frankie," he says, "the bitch just turned 21. So you know she's young, dumb and looking for a load of cum, baby." Yeah, Skee talks like that. I know. No, really. I know.
Now, I'll admit, a carefree fling sounds like just what I need right about now, but I had to be honest. "Skee," I say, "I'm 29, I drive a sensible car, listen to Springsteen and watch The West Wing. This girl's in college, can probably beat my time in a Keg Stand without breaking a sweat, and knows that Emo isn't a doll you buy your niece for Christmas. What the fuck could we possibly have to talk about?"
He just stares at me, incredulously. "Dude, are you serious? I swear to Christ, man, if I was your dick I would totally pack up the Balls and inform your Ass I was moving out."
I didn't have the heart to tell him that my dick and I haven't been on speaking terms in months. In fact, our conversations lately have been relegated to him occasionally staring up at me with that lazy eye of his, spitting his disgust, and going back to bed. Condescending motherfucker that he is.
So I go. To The Bob. And I put gel in my hair. And I wear a shirt that I got from some place in the mall owned by three people named Amber, Tommy and Mitch. It's too loud in there to speak to anyone and the saleschildren give me dirty looks and don't offer help of any kind, so I know it's a cool place.
Bought a pair of jeans too. Eighty bucks these days. Fucking Denim Cartels.
So, at The Bob I meet Skee, who doesn't answer me when I ask if needs a fresh cocktail because he's too busy getting his tongue massaged by Tiffany, or Mercedes, or Savannah. Whatever. I can't remember. All I know is that it's one of those porno names that her grandchildren are someday going to be really embarrassed to call her. "Mom, can we go to Nana Tiffany's house today?" Just rolls of the tongue, doesn't it?
My grandmother's name is Rose. Old School, Rose. That's the way it should be. Can I get an amen?
So anyway, while Skee was busy examining Porno Name's tonsils, I lean over and extend a hand to what has the be the cutest blonde in the room. She's fucking adorable. Long, flaxen hair, sparkling emerald-green eyes, the poutiest DSL's I've ever seen, and yes...Skee no lie...one of the most fuckable asses this side of a Sir-Mix-A-Lot video. And, she's sucking on a blow pop. I shit you not. A god-damned cherry-motherfucking-blow pop!!
Suddenly, my dick drops his beef with me and starts playing nice. Grudge? What grudge? It's aaaaallllll good. I think we even did one of cool secret handshakes that take a really long time to complete.
My heart begins to beat fast, my palms start to sweat, and I call upon the all-mighty powers of Amber, Tommy, and even Mitch...to deliver me some cool. And it is done. If there was a jukebox nearby, I would hit it. And it would play. Oh, how it would play.
"Hiii-iiii," she smiles, sucking her cheeks in as she slides that cherry-motherfucking-blowpop out from her soft full lips.
"I'm Heather. Skee was right. You're really fucking cute. Bet you're fucking Eye-talian, arent'cha. You look Eye-talian. I fucking looooove Eye-talian guys."
Eye-talian. No wait, "Fucking Eye-talian." Jesus. What language. Right now, my poor sweet momma is lighting a candle, crossing herself uncontrollably, and praying to the Novena, I can feel it.
Don't worry, momma. This one ain't coming to Sunday dinner. But a late night snack? Why yes. Don't mind if I do.
I buy her a drink...Sex on the Beach, she declares proudly. Shocking. I buy her a shot...some bullshit that "oh my God, tastes just like fucking chocolate cake", she promises. God, I am so annoyed. And so turned on. I am so weak. I go to work like a prizefighter on a speed bag.
"Where you from?"
"Here."
"What are you studying in school?"
"You mean besides fucking sex, drugs and rock and roll? Liberal Arts."
"Really. Well hey, I can respect a woman who's interested in keeping her options open and experiencing different things."
"Fuck yeah! Hey, you want a lick of my blow pop."
"Um, yes Heather. I most certainly do."
"Come get some."
It's in her mouth. My dick and I do that really cool secret handshake thing again. I think I hear Jimmy Walker's voice literally coming from the other side of my $80 jeans, "Dah-No-Mite!!"
I move in, closer. She's feeding that cherry-motherfucking-blowpop back and forth between those heavenly lips. Sliding. Ever so slowly. Like a greasy stripper down a shiny brass pole.
I reach her mouth and she pulls the blowpop out at the last second, grabs a handful of my hair with her free hand and shoves her tongue so far down my throat I think I'm going to gag. But I roll with it. And within seconds, I go from a mild-mannered news reporter to...dum-dum-dum...PDA Man!!
Harder than a spelling test in an inner-city school. More powerful than an X-tab at an all-night rave. Able to grope perky breasts with a single palm. Yes, PDA Man is here!!
We become one in the crowded bar. My hands all over her tight, athletic 21-year old body. I'm grabbing shit like a fat kid at one those bulk food barrels in the supermarket when his mother ain't looking. Suddenly she stops, pushes me away, and cocks her head to the side like a confused Jack Russell Terrier. And suddenly it hits her.
"Aaaaaaaahhhh...this is my fucking sooooonnnnng!!! Let's dance!" She grabs me by the wrist and pulls me to the dance floor. My beer drops to the floor. Fuck it.
Once there, we start grinding to the pulsating beats of R. Chingy. Or 50 Nelly. One of those guys. No matter. We're grinding away, and I've got my throbbing cock pressed so tightly against this girl's crotch that I would swear she could identify my religion if she had to.
I lean forward and begin peppering the nape of her neck with sensual, wet kisses. I'm working shit like Pepe LePew on that sexy black cat with the fake white stripe down her back.
She begins to moan. She's running her fingers through back of my hair, raising her pelvis up to my waiting member. She playfully inserts her tongue into my ear, biting my lobe.
"You're so fucking hard." Breathing heavy now into my ear.
"Mmmm-Hmmm." — Showing off all my wit and charm, now.
"Jesus, I'm so fucking wet for you."
"I can feel it." — Seriously, my rap makes all the ladies melt.
"I'll bet you've got a monster cock. All Eye-talian guys do."
"Oh, you know it." — God, I'm good.
"Bet you wanna take me home, don't you?"
"You know I do. I want to slide myself deep inside of you."
"Ooohhh. What if I told you that I'll let you put it anywhere you want. And I do. Mean. Anywhere."
Check please.
Just then, a hand grabs my new best friend by the arm and whirls her away from me. What the fuck? Who dare interrupt Tarzan?
And it's that skank. Lexus, or Misty. Or...fuck!! Skee's girl, whatever her name is. And she's bawling like some hooker that just told her pimp she was $100 light. Hyperventilating, thick mascara running down her face like Tammy Bakker on those old PTL shows. It was bad.
In between her heaving sobs, she wails at Heather. "Let's get the fuck out of here. That asshole!! He...he...please let's go. I can't...I can't...I can't...I can't..."
"Can't what????" I scream. Tarzan Angry!!!!
She looks at me, and then down at my $80 jeans. I'm still fully aroused. And she starts wailing even louder.
Heather hugs Porno Name tightly and starts caressing her hair, gently as can be, and I feel a twinge of jealousy. Apparently my hair wasn't all that special after all.
"It's ok, sweetie. We can go. I knew he was an asshole..." Trailing off as she gently begins walking Porno Name off the dance floor, comforting her the whole way.
I just stand there, arms outstretched, boner slowly creeping back into the deep recesses of my crotch like a bear lying down for winter.
"But, but, but..."
Heather turns back, her friend still shuddering in her arms, as they reach the door, and gives me one of those "sorry, but what can I do?" half-smiles. And they disappear.
Just then Skee comes sauntering over to me, two bottles of Stella in his hand. He thrusts one at me.
"Dude, that bitch was so fucking whacked! What a nut case. I had to get rid of her. She was talking all serious and shit, so I just told her, 'hey, I like fucking you, but that's all I want. I fuck a lot of girls, ya know. Don't read to much into things.' And all of a sudden she just goes off! Crazy, man. So, how'd you make out?"
I look at him. No. I burn a hole right through his shallow fucking skin. He's dead. A dead man. I'm looking at a corpse right now. I grip the neck of my beer bottle and begin to raise it over my head, consequences be damned!!! And he speaks. Surely, his last words.
"So, whaddya say? Wanna go hit the strip club for last call? I'm buying."
Die, Skee, die you lecherous, self-centered, careless unfeeling ass!!!!!
"Yeah, sure," I shrug, bringing the bottle down to my lips, "might as well." And we're out the door.
In hindsight, I guess Skee might have deserved to get knocked on his ass. But what can I say? He's my boy. Besides, I'd be super pissed if I got his blood all over those new $80 jeans.
User Reviews
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-06-02 12:00:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2008-06-02 11:35:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 20:23:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by djhurricane (user info) at 2006-10-22 14:36:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Definitely a blue ball special. Been through those before.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-08-14 02:37:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And using Ballad in the title was brilliant too.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-03-13 14:03:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2005-03-13 13:44:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Decided to read some of your stuff after the 'Most valuable Author Post'
The list doesn't lie.
keep up the good work
Submitted by Williams <thetyrant82.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-10-05 10:06:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mate i would have been PISSED, if my m8 done that to me, i dont know how on earth u held back from beatin the shit outta him. Unlucky man
Submitted by toddska (user info) at 2004-09-24 08:26:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Seriously Dr Badlands...can I call you that...this was fucking excellent. You had me hooked on the second paragraph.
I am off to read all else you have to say for yourself.
Submitted by Random B at 2004-09-14 13:43:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"if I was your dick I would totally pack up the Balls and inform your Ass I was moving out"
HA! best laugh I've had all week
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-09-12 10:20:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm now going to read all of your posts and pray that there are more to come.
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-08-25 11:53:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There is a reason why girls respond the way they do. Read and learn.
http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html
Submitted by woody (user info) at 2004-08-20 15:23:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thankfully, I got to read this after you've posted a few more. Now I'm off to be entertained.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-18 15:05:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
one of the greatest posts I have ever read. Dead serious.
Submitted by whiskeyjack (user info) at 2004-08-18 15:05:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
one of the greatest posts EVER!!! I'm very sorry for what happened, thats just frustrating to no end. I'll light a candle for you and pray for you and all men not to have to get fucked over in such a cruel curel way.
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2004-08-18 14:52:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best first post I've ever read...I especially liked this:
"I didn't have the heart to tell him that my dick and I haven't been on speaking terms in months. In fact, our conversations lately have been relegated to him occasionally staring up at me with that lazy eye of his, spitting his disgust, and going back to bed. Condescending motherfucker that he is."
Please keep posting.
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-08-18 14:48:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-18 14:36:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man I can feel your blue balls from here!
"I'll bet you've got a monster cock. All Eye-talian guys do."
From one Italian boy to the next, all I can say is... AFFIRMATIVE!
I'm now going to read all of your shit, I bet it kicks ass.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-06-15 14:41:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story. Even though you fucked my +2 streak, you deserve this.
By the way, the line "...I grip the neck of my beer bottle and begin to raise it over my head, consequences be damned!!!" is a fucking classic.
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-06-04 21:34:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
frikkin spectacular man. great story. you should hunt down that chic and put it in her butt.
Submitted by Scotsman (user info) at 2004-06-02 05:29:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was bloody good!
Getting back into the pulling game is always tricky but hey you scored big time there....OK you never got home with her but you have years of wanking material right there!!
Keep it up!
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-06-02 04:55:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Did you double space this to make it look longer or so I can cut it up bit by bit? Hopefully the first option, because there is no way I am reading this. BTW: A pair of jeans should cost at least $80.
Submitted by moneyshot (user info) at 2004-06-02 04:54:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking great story. Did you at least get her number or was that it?
Submitted by JewdoMaster (user info) at 2004-06-02 04:38:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amen!
Submitted by Rainer (user info) at 2004-06-02 01:57:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amber, Rob, and Mitch or whatever you used for that was gold. +2!
Submitted by miss_behvn (user info) at 2004-06-02 01:11:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story, some great lines.
Your kinda a hyprocrite though. Talking shit about your friend then picking up your own "snack".
Submitted by VerbOrgy (user info) at 2004-06-02 00:53:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.
Submitted by melkorthedelerious (user info) at 2004-06-02 00:51:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
O.K. now I'm pissed.
I figure I'll entertain myself for a bit longer by reading some of your older stuff...
but there is none
Great first post man.
Submitted by melkorthedelerious (user info) at 2004-06-02 00:49:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Suddenly, my dick drops his beef with me and starts playing nice. Grudge? What grudge? It's aaaaallllll good. I think we even did one of cool secret handshakes that take a really long time to complet
Fucking A+ is all I can say.
By the way, Rose is an awesome raunchy prono name.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-06-01 23:40:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
youaresoghey: YOU BLEW IT!
and DSL's are Dick Sucking Lips
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-06-01 23:14:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoops. Here's your +2
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-06-01 23:14:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dick Sucking Lips
Submitted by Parker (user info) at 2004-06-01 23:13:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One question: what are "DSL's"?
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-06-01 23:02:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks guys. My first post ever. I look forward to sharing more.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-06-01 22:13:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was very funny. BAW? Maybe..Who knows?
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-06-01 21:56:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd have whipped out my Eye-talian cock and dick-slapped Skee with it.
You should have.
+2+2+2+2!
B@W MothaFUCKA!
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-06-01 21:15:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For the first time ever I am proclaiming B@W. This was money, baby. I am fucking impressed, I don't care if it was a wet dream or true. I got hard just reading it. You are my hero, I love you.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-06-01 21:00:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my fucking god. Fan-fucking-tastic and any other kind of fuck sandwich phrase.
I gotta look out for you in the future. What made this post even better was ELO's "Roll Over Beethoven" (shorter version) playing on my computer.
Oh, and my grandmothers' names are Marybelle and Regina. Amen.
Submitted by Julia (user info) at 2004-06-01 20:52:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amen!
Submitted by SoxSexSax (user info) at 2004-06-01 20:07:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy fucking shit!!!
A user with a number over 9000 who's actually good???
Can it be?
Submitted by Johnny99 (user info) at 2004-06-01 19:44:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pure Gold!!!
Submitted by Bster at 2004-06-01 19:15:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bster <bster.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-06-01 19:12:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment