Fluteboy makes his appearance in arkansas (566 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.77 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by TripinDayZ (View user info) at 2004-06-02 17:21:23 EDT
It doesn't happen too often that I get a night out with the boys. Not that I would like to spend more time away from home. Those of you who have read my limited catalogue here (yes I mean all 8 of you) know I love my wife and kid. But I do enjoy the occasional escapade into the land known as Fort Smith and all the great wonders it's nightlife holds.
Friday was such a night. My cousin and I were going to go "downtown" and have some beers and complain about how broke we were while starting a tab at the bar. Alanis Morrisette's song Ironic played on the jukebox as we entered Rooster's, a musty little bar right in the heart of alcoholic's alley. As we entered we were motioned by the girl behind the bar to sign in so we made a jacking off gesture and raspberried our tongues. Just kidding, we signed in.
Brian noticed the drum set on the stage and at once his lighting fast deductive reasoning skills were put to use:
"Bet it's a band." he hypothesized.
"Actually I was hoping it was kinda like karaoke night only people with no talent whatsoever would get to come to the stage and play the phattest beats to the hippity hoppest of flavas." I retorted.
"Fuck you dude."
"Yeah man, I think there might be a band"
"I said fuck you, get me a beer"
With that he proceeded to take the 16-step staircase downstairs to the bathroom in two leaps while I was left to offer my ATM card to the bartender. The bar has three levels inside with an outdoor balcony that wraps around the place on the second floor. Beer is so much better when you're outside and 15 feet off the sidewalk.
Brian returned with the ale and we shot the shat for a few minutes before I was off to get another cold one. When I returned I noticed "the drummer" for the first band of the night. He was not facing me so I couldn't really see but he seemed about 50 or so leading me to believe we may have some cool covers of some 70's rock or something. We'll get back to this guy in a bit.
I headed back up the stairs and caught up with Brian who was now talking to some dude I had not ever seen before. I had a seat and learned this guy was a Marine with a god complex. Shocking huh.
"I've been to Afghanistan twice and Iraq once, I'm headed back in 3 weeks." He boasted.
"You're how old?" I inquired.
"19."
So you enlisted at 16 huh genius?
"And what is it you do in the Marines?"
"I can't tell you that."
"Excuse me?"
"Ok ok dude, I'll give you a hint... crosshairs!" He spat as he laughed and took another drink of his beast ice.
"You run a Christian based barber shop in the military?"
Cross Hairs, get it? You see it's... fuck, nevermind. At any rate, he did not find this as amusing as my cousin and I did. We, however, did find him a complete and total douche so I offered to make the run.
On my way back down to the bar I had no idea what I was about to encounter. A man is sitting behind the drum set and there are no other band members in sight. That's right, he is the band. Now don't get me wrong, I have played in a band and I have the utmost respect for people with the balls to go up and perform in front of a room full of strangers, especially if there is alcohol involved.
But this guy made me laugh out loud at first sight.
Picture it: Loren Michaels from SNL with a headset on, one that Tammy the Time Life Operator uses in the commercials, is sitting behind a trap set with the most Max Weinbergian posture I have ever seen. His wardrobe surely provided to us in part by the result of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy cleaning out Toby Keith's closet and right next to him in all of its shiny, I-may-have-at-one-time-been-used-for-sexual-exploration-at-bandcamp majesty there it sits; his flute.
But that is not all.
At the round table just to the right of the stage sits a man, an old man of about 260+ pounds, and his charpei wife in all her halter-top splendor. He is pounding back shots of tequila and calling out for his wife to "shake the bacon like it's for the takin!" What the fuck? There were so many body parts on this woman that could have resembled a piece of bacon I had to turn away at the sheer horror of the mental images coursing through my slightly intoxicated mind.
Now the bar has gotten a bit more crowded at this point because it's getting close to ten and, of course, because Loren fucking Michaels is playing the flute there, so I was stuck waiting in line for a beer. I hate that shit. There should be keg taps on the balcony that are ATM operated where you swipe, refill the beer and voila, you have beer. Anyway, this is when the fiasco began.
Loren (I don't know the guys name but for the sake of not calling him Fluteboy, I'm calling him Loren) began to play the Elton John song Daniel. Lame song my ass, when you think of kick ass flute solo's what is the first thing that comes to mind? You don't think of kick ass flute solos? Ok then, never mind. Anyway, Daniel wouldn't have been my choice of a lead off song but hey, it's a guy on a drum set, he's not going to do anything fancy. This is when I notice that Fat Al has finally procured the right mixture of Jose Cuervo and non-filter Pall Mall's in order to entice Charlene the Charpei into a little dancy-poo. Holy shit what a sight. Put it this way, an earthworm, fully encapsulated in purple twine and hooked up as the circuit breaker between two watch batteries would have had better moves. Yikes!
I had to turn my head so Loren didn't think I was laughing at him and when I looked back he a withdrewn El Fluto and was going from table to table fluting this solo in peoples faces. I mean he was actually getting down at eye level to the men and women in the bar and fluting at them. I had never been fluted before and, sir or ma'am, if you have never been fluted then you are missing out.
Unfortunately, Loren had bad timing in my case. Just as he approached me to get his flute on I took a sip of beer to avoid him noticing my obvious attempt at suppressing laughter and he took the challenge. He got in my face and fluted like he hath never flute before. Twiddle dee this and twilly toot that. He had this look in his eyes like Jack Black on one of his wild Tenacious D rants and that was all it took to set me off.
I spewed my beer right out of my mouth in to his face where it trickled down his nose and dripped onto the flute like the morning dew from a lily. He stopped mid solo, asked the bartender for a rag, wiped his face, and kept right on fluting! It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. This guy was unfazed and to him I had to give some sort of retribution. I tipped him $20 (yeah fuck you fat tony) and went back upstairs where I shared this very story with my cousin.
So, we have the real fluteboy here in Arkansas. Is that ubermeet I hear knocking on our door? Yeah, even if his bassist was the Emu I don't think we would get any of you guys out there,here.
User Reviews
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-06-10 14:16:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dufflady (user info) at 2004-06-09 13:25:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I cannot believe I didn't see this before. Shame on me.
That was hilarious. I just cannot picture anyone being brave enough to play the flute at a bar.
Submitted by jme7551 <JME7551.at.HOTMAIL.COM> at 2004-06-03 14:47:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
just remember i was one of your very first groupies.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-06-03 09:57:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that made me laugh. i have never seen these words together in succession before. "the awesomeness that is jethro tull". heh
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-06-02 18:50:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You seriously mean to tell me that you've never been "fluted at" before?? You've obviously never experienced the awesomeness that is Jethro Tull.
Not really...flute players suck.
Submitted by silent_paucity (user info) at 2004-06-02 18:43:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very enjoyable.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-06-02 18:26:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yes sir that is jack black.. figured i should put a pic in there to give an idea of the gaze that initiated Mount Brew into fluteguys face.
thanks ash :c)
Submitted by DarkWraith (user info) at 2004-06-02 18:15:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice post.
Is that Jake Black?
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2004-06-02 18:14:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny. Witty. All that good stuff, but what I really want to say is:
You SPEET on him! Yaaaaaay!
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-06-02 18:11:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go with "not" darlin'. 9 times for 10 I thoroughly enjoy your posts. Witty bastard.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-06-02 18:05:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i knew i should have included shitty pictures of flowers in my backyard. bitter? naw, not at all.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-06-02 17:37:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
for some reason that shitfuck compliment feels like the equivalent of an uber oscar. thank you sir.
and thank you ash, i think.. not sure if that was sarcastic or not but dammit im goin with "not".
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-06-02 17:36:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking hilarious!
If I was your docotr, I'd kill you for being so fucking talented.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-06-02 17:28:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cross Hairs, get it? You see it's... fuck, nevermind
Ahhhh, smell that? It is the smell of a shit free Uber post....
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2004-06-02 17:27:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
GO FLUTEBOY WOO!!!