Sideburns' Monster.com Resume (4679 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.86 on 103 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sideburns (View user info) at 2004-06-02 17:23:12 EDT
I've looked all over my town for employment opportunities. I could find none. I recently decided to expand my job career searches to the internet and Monster.com. When it informed me that I had to place a resume, I figured my crappy employment history wouldn't get anyone to look at my resume. I was told to exploit my talent in the resume. I only know how to do one thing-- and that's be a bumbling moron. I figured I'd give it a shot and see if anyone would hire this piece of awesomeness that is Justin 'Sideburns' Bowers. Yes, I am stupid enough to post this with unedited information.
Let's see if those employers notice me now, beeyatch. This is the actual resume I posted to monster.com. The heading is "20 Year Old HS Graduate Whom Refuses To Sleep With You To Get The Job".
---------------
Justin Michael Bowers
116 Sulphur Springs Drive, Lot 35
Greenville, SC 29617
Email: Justinfromtr.at.wmconnect.com (Preferred contact)
Phone: (864) 246-9183
PROFILE:
I'm a 20 year old male. I graduated from Travelers Rest Highschool in Travelers Rest, SC in 2002. I didn't graduate at the top of my class, but then again, I didn't graduate from the bottom--so I must have something to offer in the business world. Why didn't I graduate the top of my class, you ask? I'll blame it on girls-- and the education system. Bad education system, bad!
I've attempted to go to college several times, but I haven't because I don't want to make the professor look bad when I pass all of his/her tests without even studying. I also don't want to make the other students feel like they have to try harder because there is a hot, sexy, genius guy that gets all the credit. What? You don't believe me? Okay, here's the real story--
If you haven't guessed by now, you need to sit back, relax, and open up a soda. Or water-- if you're into that low carbs diet shenanigans--
It was a cool night in March of 1984, the wind was blowing, Days of Our Lives was on TV. I was in the womb of my mother, probably listening to her complain--that's all she ever does to this day. So anyway, she went into labor that night. I would have been born on the floor of a New York apartment builiding had my father not agreed to tape Days of Our Lives so my mom could watch it later.
I think I went back a little too far. Let me start over-- Hi! I'm a responsible 20 year old male. I like long walks on the beach, candlelit dinners, and listening to Barry White. Er-- time to get serious. Sorry. You want somebody professional, right?
I had worked at Bi-Lo, a grocery store, for three years. That was my first job-- mama was proud. So proud, in fact, that she took all of my money to support her alcoholic ways. You probably didn't want to know that. The reason I left Bi-Lo was simple, I went three years without a raise. Wouldn't you be PO'd if you went three years without a raise?! Of course not, you're on salary and you drive a 2004 Lexus. I left Bi-Lo for Hibbett Sports in Cherrydale Plaza. I was there for a whole year and I loved it. I worked with a middle-aged guy named Mark Smith who seemed to be going through his mid-life crisis because his wife stopped having sex with him, and I also worked with a fellow named Terrell-- he's an aspiring actor. He prefers to be called Big T. of Da Barcode Boyz.
At this time, I was living on my own, had a roommate, a nice car, and a job that I was happy with. That's when things started to go downhill. Each month, I gave my roommate my half of the rent. He was supposed to use it to-- you guessed it, PAY RENT! His idea of paying rent was going down to the local bart, getting drunk, then bring home a 40 year old Waffle House waitress. So, it wasn't long before the mortgage company hit him with a warning to get out. Unfortunately, I wasn't informed of this warning. One day, he casually tells me that I needed to be out of the house by the end of the week. Right about the same time, my mother had a heart attack and almost died. I had no choice but to move back home. While mama was in the hospital recovering, she didn't pay her part of the car insurance-- since I'm under her policy, my insurance was cancelled as well. The carlot found out. Bye bye car.
Up until December '03, I worked at the Gap in Haywood Mall-- it was only seasonal. I couldn't handle working at this place for more than 3 months because of the simple fact that the gay midget that worked there named Julian would constantly hit on me. (I'm not gay). I'll explain more about the gay midget if you hire me. In fact, I've got tons of stories for you. After the Gap, I decided my life was going nowhere, so I decided to join the Air Force in hopes of getting some free college. Long story short, that fell through because earlier in the year, I had a small case of Pericarditis. It's a temporary severe chest cold. Huge emphasis on the word TEMPORARY. Uncle Sam didn't see me fit for his military because he didn't want to take any chances with any illnesses to do with the heart. I bet I could kick his butt if you give me 3 minutes in the ring with him. Speaking of kicking butts, you can hire me and push me around all day. If the pay's good, I'll be your stepping stone--
Bad day at work? Pay me, beat me. Kids and wife at home giving you good grief? Give me a $100 bill and kick me square where it counts. As long as you promote me to janitor after 6 months.
After the military experience, I lost my car again. Unfortunately, I had to work at a local fast food joint in Travelers Rest called Carolina Fine Foods. The Spanish cooks that worked there I thought were my friends were actually backstabbers. Everyday when I clocked in, one of them would exchange greetings with me--
"Wassooop hoto?!"
"Hey man!"
-high five-
Turns out, ''hoto'' is spanish for a derogatory term for homosexual. Not to mention one of the employees, Diego, would make prank calls to my house and call me a ''beeeetch corndog''. Once again, I'll explain this when you hire me. I also want a big office, a company car, and I want you to call me ''son''. You also have to let me move into your home and take me on father-son bonding trips. I'm going to call you 'Pops', even at work. Since you're going to work on adopting me, you cannot fire me-- ever. I also want dibs on your position when you're ready to retire. Don't question me, I'm your son. At work, we're going to come up with our own secret handshake that will make all the other employees jealous. A regular morning meeting between you and I should be like this--
Me: "What's up boss daddy?!"
You: ''Chillin like a villian, because I've got that fillin' like Bob Dylan on penicillan, son!"
Me: "Sweet, I'm taking the day off dad!"
You: "Whatever, son!"
I'm looking forward to checking my e-mail and seeing it flooded with prospective employers looking to hire every ounce of awesomeness that is Justin Michael Bowers. If you're reading this right now and laughing and NOT thinking of hiring me, then I probably didn't want to work for your company anyway.
I'll be looking forward to responses from Texaco, Taco Bell, and McDonald's. If I'm lucky, maybe even Denny's. Let's cross our fingers and hope this stupid resume gets me hired. If you haven't noticed, all I have is humor. I will work hard though. If you want contact information of previous employers, references, and skills, please e-mail me at Justinfromtr.at.wmconnect.com.
Oh, I can type really fast too. I can also throw popcorn behind my back and catch it in my mouth. Remember that when you're asking yourself, "Okay, both are qualified-- but which one can catch popcorn in his mouth after throwing in the air behind his back?"
How is that for skills?! I'm being brutally honest with this resume, so don't think I can't work. At least I'm not throwing subliminal messages HIRE JUSTIN BOWERS in this HIRE JUSTIN BOWERS resume.
Serious employers only.
-------------------
-Sideburns
User Reviews
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-25 13:36:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-05-04 06:06:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hoto
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-05-04 05:46:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would hire the fuck out of you.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-11-07 23:17:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-11-07 23:16:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by genocidic001 (user info) at 2004-11-07 22:58:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-11-07 22:29:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this post only reaffirms the fact that sideburns is the unholy jedi master of all that is uber.
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2004-11-07 22:27:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THIS is what I am talking about Sideburns
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2004-11-07 22:25:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by CoachMagirk27 (user info) at 2004-11-07 22:14:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Justin Michael Bowers
116 Sulphur Springs Drive, Lot 35
Greenville, SC 29617
Email: Justinfromtr.at.wmconnect.com (Preferred contact)
Phone: (864) 246-9183"
Your biggest mistake. You better lock your doors tonight.
*lubes up*
Submitted by Squijee (user info) at 2004-11-07 22:09:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That final sentence was a pure golden nugget chunk of comedy.
Submitted by Mitchell (user info) at 2004-11-07 14:06:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2004-10-15 03:41:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I need a good toilet scrubber for my future software company.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-10-15 02:55:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fucking resume. Fucking employers. You couldn't handle me.
Submitted by Spookster (user info) at 2004-08-29 06:40:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shank (user info) at 2004-08-29 06:26:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
quite funny but i prefer your other works.
Submitted by IsawBoobs (user info) at 2004-08-18 14:57:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
havent finished reading but i would just like to point out your name is scary. Justin Bowers was a guy at my highschool whos dad murded his whole family then commited suicide and burnt their house down.
Submitted by tunatwist (user info) at 2004-06-12 03:03:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
people...get a life! this resume is hilarious and you cynics need a life! chill out...i am seriously worried for you/our culture. to tell this guy you write awesome resumes... *HUH*??? you so missed the point and i really don't believe i would hire you if it was free. with your total lack of humor, you scare me, as one major indicator of creativity is
*humor*.
the end
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-05 17:10:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-06-05 13:47:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Why does one feel the need to make such an observation while not logged in?
Maybe I do not have an account.
Maybe I'm a relatively new member who embraces anonymity.
Maybe I'm what one would consider a Uber-friend.
I'll let you ponder.
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-06-05 13:47:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why does one feel the need to make such an observation while not logged in?
And I understand why you were laughing. Interesting how you're the only one that finds it funny.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-05 12:05:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
116 Sulphur Springs Drive, Lot 35
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Also, why does one feel the urge to stamp their name at the bottom of their entry?
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-06-04 19:25:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Chillin like a villian, because I've got that fillin' like Bob Dylan on penicillan, son!"
If you haven't actually HEARD Justin say this, I suggest you give him a call on that number right up there.. and you make him say it.
It's great stuff.
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-06-04 13:00:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I had the money, I'd hire you in a flash. Unfortunately, I don't. But i'll tell you what...if you're willing to work for cold, raw hot dogs and minimal to no kicks in the scrotum, you can have the job PLUS benefits*! Let me know, bro.
* (Benefits include the following: A multipurpose blanket to provide shelter, warmth, and whatever food you can catch in it, an empty container of Yoo-Hoo, and a Stretch Armstrong.)
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2004-06-04 09:19:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/35007
A related post. Don't worry, there's a link back here on it.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-06-04 01:50:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, I offered you a job as a partially naked french maid!
Now that is serious!
Oh and EAT ME!
That's for earlier.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-06-03 23:35:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is the last time I post something personal on Ubersite for the amusement of others. Some are taking this way too seriously and out of proportion.
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2004-06-03 23:34:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed, I cried. We all ate cake.
I hope you get a better job man. Good luck.
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2004-06-03 21:36:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/10324
My resume is way more impressive.
Submitted by Kimbo <kim.at.prismnet.com> at 2004-06-03 19:00:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I crank call you?
*ring ring* Hello?
Tee heeeee *hangs up*
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-06-03 18:11:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
justin i'm gonna call you
*wink*
Wink? seriously i'm not gay.....
seriously....
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-06-03 18:06:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't think it's a good thing that I have my contact information on most heated.
Then again, I'm a complete dipshit.
Submitted by Nator (user info) at 2004-06-03 17:22:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Serious employers only."
Brilliant. I'd give you a job if I could, but obviously, I can't.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-03 16:28:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-06-03 16:14:17 (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, but I did post this on monser.com. I didn't go by their resume format. I chose the copy and paste option, therefore allowing any format to be pasted onto the site.
________________________________
i've posted a resume 6 months ago and i used copy and paste...yes, they
still have that function.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-06-03 16:22:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is classic.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-03 16:15:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When did you post it? I thought they took the copy and paste option off years ago and forced you to go with their format?
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-06-03 16:14:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, but I did post this on monser.com. I didn't go by their resume format. I chose the copy and paste option, therefore allowing any format to be pasted onto the site.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-03 16:12:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2004-06-03 16:05:59 (#)
Ranking: 1
Wow, you certainly are another straw added to the haystack where a company might go looking for a needle.
If you find & buy me pistons-lakers tickets, I will write a resume for you. But you have to give me serious information if you want to land a job. I am a fucking MASTER of wording on resumes.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
I challenge you to a resume duel! I do resumes for all the hot chicks at my job. (It's an easy in...) I made my drummer a "Graphic technician." Basically he puts stickers on things for a living.
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2004-06-03 16:05:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wow, you certainly are another straw added to the haystack where a company might go looking for a needle.
If you find & buy me pistons-lakers tickets, I will write a resume for you. But you have to give me serious information if you want to land a job. I am a fucking MASTER of wording on resumes.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-03 15:46:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice work. I'm not going to read through all the replies, but no way in hell you could've posted this on Monster, it doesn't fit their resume format - or any resume format for that matter.
"I'll explain more about the gay midget if you hire me."
Perfect.
The school system in SC is in fact very shitty. Greenville huh? You're even further away from the beach than I am. Too bad it's not Greenville NC.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:24:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
At least it was Cutco, not Mary Kay...:)
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:23:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I live in Greenville, SC.
I appreciate your help, Loki.
justinfromtr.at.wmconnect.com
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:18:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SeaDog is going to be in Greeneville all next week for work.
oh wait is that Greeneville NC?
He says it's the one that is not at the beach.
Anyway, I just shot him an e-mail to ask him if they are hiring in that office. If they are I'll let you know.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:14:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This just might work.
I saw something on the news last night about a guy who graduated with a double major in psychology and marketing from NC State. He's been standing around uptown with a sign that says "will work for 50k plus 401(k) with 50% match up to 6% of my salary and benefits."
"Though this be madness, yet there is method in 't."
Submitted by Lady_Emily_03 (user info) at 2004-06-03 13:58:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-06-03 13:02:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
24 hours have passed and I've only gotten an e-mail from Cutco Knives.
FUCK CUTCO! I don't want to sell your shitty knives.
Submitted by WRECKER (user info) at 2004-06-03 12:38:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If my company was hiring, I would give you two jobs. That is fan-fucking-tastic. +2. Good luck.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-03 12:32:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I had my own company I would hire you. Just to have
around to make me laugh. But i don't have my own company. I
really don't own anything.
Here's a shiny new nickel....
I hope you get a kick ass job!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-03 12:27:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-06-02 17:35:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
Am I the only one that finds shitfuck sitting at his computer in speedos funny?
Thought so.
_______________________________
I find it erotic
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-06-03 11:57:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"You also have to let me move into your home and take me on father-son bonding trips."
BWAHAHAHAHA..that poor guy :D
Justin.. I can't believe you put all that info up. Silly boy.
I'm gonna call you EVERY DAY!!
HAHAHAHAHAHHAA
HAHAha..ha..
Wait. I call you a lot already, huh? Well damn. I'll have to do something else..
But trust me, it WILL be crazy.
BE AFRAID!!
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-06-03 05:14:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have another because I just read all the reviews. And up until now I didn't realise dakingisdead was from WA. Woo.
Oh and yeah Justy you still rock.
Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2004-06-03 05:06:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, good shit!
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-06-03 04:58:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you Justy
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-06-03 04:37:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm currently looking for a cute male maid who looks good in an underwearless french maid outfit.
Your only requirements are to bend over and pick of various things I throw on the floor while I watch. And to scrub my back when I take my hour long jacuzzi baths.
Salary is 300 a week tax free.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-06-03 02:30:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Okay, time for bed.
When I check my email tomorrow, I'd better find a shitload of e-mails from people wanting to give me money to do very little work.
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-06-03 01:50:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Luckily for you I'm not am ambitious person! Do you realize how many credit card offers I could have sent to your house? So many that companies would probably just move their headquarters to your neighbors house, that way they don't have to pay postage, they can just stuff the 50,000 envelopes a day under your door.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-06-03 01:34:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't steal the idea, Spooner. It ran thru my mind earlier after Bart mentioned he was thinking about putting it up. The fact that my phone number in there is the only reason this isn't on BAW can be fixed if I just repost it.. which I will do if Bart wants it up there.
If not, no pain here.
Submitted by moebius (user info) at 2004-06-03 01:24:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Knee-slapping good time!
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-06-03 01:11:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Was to steal the idea I gave you via AIM before I posted it Bruns. >=(
=P
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-06-03 01:10:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I say if Burns wants this on BAW he could post the same thing again, sans phone number, then bart could put THAT on BAW. THis one would still exists but BAW would link to a different article.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-06-03 01:10:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh. If you want to put it on BAW, I can post again without all the personal info. But if not, I'm not worried about it.
Submitted by kidheather (user info) at 2004-06-03 00:49:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sideburns, I'm in Mauldin, which is just like 15, 20 minutes from TR. Just thought I'd say hello!
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-06-03 00:46:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No, I can't edit it. I don't have a way to edit the contents of a post other than that whole image linking thing.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-06-03 00:33:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"His idea of paying rent was going down to the local bart,"
I thought I was the only one with a local Bart.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-06-02 23:47:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually, yes. Put it up. Maybe the right people will get it and will contact me-- I'm desperate in the job fields department. But, of course, phone number stays out.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-06-02 23:46:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
By all means-- I love exposure. If it does go up though, can you somehow edit the phone number?
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-06-02 23:41:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha... I had been thinking of putting it up there, but I guess I'll spare you the exposure.
This is hilarious though.
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2004-06-02 23:10:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gay midgets undoubtedly suck.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-06-02 23:08:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-06-02 21:39:13 (#)
Ranking: 1
I hope this was for our entertainment, and you aren't actually depending on getting a job with this. It doesn't mention any key skills or strong points that you may have, in any way, except at the end. "I'll work hard". And it was amusing, but not amusing enough to land you a job.
----------
It's painful that I have to admit that I have no skills. The only thing that I'm moderately decent at is writing comedic things. Maybe the right person will see this and hire me to stand in a corner and tell jokes while he surfs Ubersite.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-06-02 22:53:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
God, please don't put this on B@W.
Bart, if you do. Edit out the personal information. I didn't think it'd get that much attention.
Submitted by facts (user info) at 2004-06-02 22:20:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by ugaly (user info) at 2004-06-02 22:03:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-06-02 21:39:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I hope this was for our entertainment, and you aren't actually depending on getting a job with this. It doesn't mention any key skills or strong points that you may have, in any way, except at the end. "I'll work hard". And it was amusing, but not amusing enough to land you a job.
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2004-06-02 21:31:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome dude, I hope you get a good job. I'm totally going to write something like this for my personal essay/statement when it's time to apply to law school, it fucking works. Good job burns, now get a job, you fucking hoto.
-BongZilla
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-06-02 21:19:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bored @ Work nomination.
I'd hire you.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-06-02 21:14:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what the
Sideburn, you have Wal-Mart Connect?
heh "wmconnect.com"
I have that cheap ass internet too and whats worse? This product is made also by AOL!
OH MY GOD! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-06-02 21:12:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:D +2
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-06-02 21:09:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd hire you for the $100 kick in the nuts thing.
Submitted by poo <loop> at 2004-06-02 20:57:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
your a cunt
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-06-02 20:47:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Honesty is always the best policy.
You make me happy.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-06-02 20:42:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Burns get the coffee.
Burns sweep that mess up.
Burns hold this for me.
Burns what the fuck are you doing?
Burns Take this over there.
Burns get a fucking move on.
Yeah this could work.
Can you get to Western Australia?
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-02 19:03:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sideburns that was weak my man
why dont i log in and -2 yo ass biiiiiattttcchhhh
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-06-02 18:51:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Random Joe: Your opinion is important to us. Please login to express your displeasure with us.
This resume I actually submitted and am depending on getting a job with.
I haven't had to shake a hater off in a long time.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-02 18:45:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This has been done before, except that time it was actually funny.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/10324
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-06-02 18:45:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do brothels surf Monster.com?
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-06-02 18:37:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-06-02 18:13:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You can have my job if you want.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-06-02 18:05:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Heh, poor itchy.
Inbox: 0 New Messages
C'mon prospective employers.
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2004-06-02 18:02:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Right after I passed the bar exam, I decided to apply to the biggest, baddest law firm in town. I knew I didn't have a chance, so I laid it on thick as Cathryn Manheim's ankles. I equated myself to Rudy from the movie, well, "Rudy" and their firm to Notre Dame. Talked about how I would do anything, work my ass off, let them kick me square in the nads, just to get in the door. It was the most beautiful piece of bullshit ever crafted.
I actually got an interview. Sure, I think they just wanted to see what kind of jerk-off would actually submit that flaming pile of vomit, but I got in the door. If my in person interview skillz weren't so, shall we just say, "poor," I might have even gotten somewhere with them.
Anyway, point is: This thing might actually work.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-06-02 18:00:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bastard.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-06-02 17:54:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome burnsie, awesome.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-06-02 17:54:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I hire you to make sweet sweet love to me? And then catch the popcorn in your mouth?
<3
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-06-02 17:53:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jaybles, I'm hoping you're right. I never specified what kind of job I want, but hopefully an employer will pick up that I can be a complete idiot. I'd like to be a radio DJ or something where i can exploit my moronic abilities.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2004-06-02 17:50:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
a hee hee
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-06-02 17:50:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You rule.
Submitted by Jaybles (user info) at 2004-06-02 17:49:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am a resource specialist at an employment agency in California. I review and revise resumes and applications all day, every day.
Let me say that this is by far the most complete, real, raw, uncut resume I have ever seen. I know for a fact that you will get replies because get this:
THE AVERAGE TIME SPENT BY AN EMPLOYER READING A RESUME IS BETWEEN 2 AND 5 MINUTES.
http://complabs.nevada.edu/~jeff_jablonski/404/resumes.html
After seeing this masterpiece, they're bound to hire you. Good luck.
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-06-02 17:46:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Something tells me you're going to regret the day you posted your phone number on Uber.
:-)
Phoenix
Submitted by iamhewhoisnot (user info) at 2004-06-02 17:42:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my cubemates think im crazy because of you
Submitted by DarkWraith (user info) at 2004-06-02 17:38:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for being a complete tard.
Go Tards!
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-06-02 17:36:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
...no emails yet. C'MON YOU FUCKING EMPLOYERS!
I'll shit my pants if it pays well.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-06-02 17:36:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good times.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-06-02 17:35:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That is awesome. I hope you get a job.
Ths was the best part:
A regular morning meeting between you and I should be like this--
Me: "What's up boss daddy?!"
You: ''Chillin like a villian, because I've got that fillin' like Bob Dylan on penicillan, son!"
Me: "Sweet, I'm taking the day off dad!"
You: "Whatever, son!"
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-06-02 17:35:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-06-02 17:35:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Am I the only one that finds shitfuck sitting at his computer in speedos funny?
Thought so.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-06-02 17:33:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sideburns...
I never thought I'd say this, but you are really fucking talented duder.
I accidentally shit my speedos after reading this...
Well, not accidentally. But it sure was funny.
Submitted by fryfrug (user info) at 2004-06-02 17:32:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God Damn you are a funny hoto
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-06-02 17:31:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck me, you rule.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-06-02 17:28:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If this won't get you hired, I don't know what will.
It was great.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-06-02 17:28:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Burnsey, you are going to get seriously stalked.
Submitted by DraconianKing (user info) at 2004-06-02 17:26:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuckin' great