Why Sammy Sosa isn’t a Pitcher, and Why I am a wimpy ditz (1211 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.65 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (View user info) at 2004-06-02 17:39:44 EDT
Being a serious ballet student, I have accumulated a mildly impressive list of injuries over the past few years. I'm currently nursing Achilles tendonitis, and I am required as part of my treatment to attend physical therapy a few times a week.
Physical therapy essentially entails free massages and ultrasounds covered by my insurance. The therapists are all young, peppy, and fun twenty-some guys and gals. The patients that come in usually fall into one of three categories:
1. Senior Citizens, not surprisingly, make up the bulk of broken patients.
2. Stock traders; this was somewhat baffling until I realized the extent of the beating that traders endure during the day. Most of them also acquire neck injuries, no doubt from looking up for hours on end.
3. Athletes: The location at which I attend physical therapy (in Chicago) is home to a number of injured athletes. The trainers are renowned for working with various Olympic teams, local stars, and famous dancers.
I was finishing up some work on a Pilates (okay, maybe I am a yuppie) machine when a man strode out of the studio accompanied by several trainers. He roughly plopped down on the machine next to me, and attempted to toss his gross, sweaty, old towel into the laundry hamper over my head.
Instead of reaching its destination, the towel fell short and landed on me. Not just on me, but halfway down my low cut shirt. I was thoroughly grossed out and turned to say something (anything) nasty to the transgressor.
Unfortunately for me, this was not any rude patient, this was Sammy Sosa (who, as some of you may be aware, is out with an injury). Rather than apologize, he picked up the towel and half snorted, half laughed, at my disgusted reaction.
At this point the story splits, due to the fact that I am a complete and utter pansy. You will find below two accounts; one occurred completely within the realm of my imagination, while the other is what really happened. I will leave it up to you to decide which is which, though it shouldn't be too difficult.
Account number 1: Such a rude action could only be returned by using my master martial arts skills against Sosa. I jumped up and drop kicked him into a weight machine. The trainers stood back and applauded as I gave Sosa the beating of his life. I forced him to beg for forgiveness. He then agreed to come home with me and make me bacon.
Account number 2: I immediately became dumbfounded and star-struck. I giggled (repeatedly), and whispered "Sorry Mr. Sosa". This called for twirling my hair. And more giggling. By the time I thought to get his autograph for my boyfriend (an avid cubs fan), Sosa had given me an awkward look and began to away slowly. His trainer first glared at me, then smiled fondly as I twirled my hair for what had to be the fifth time, and tripped over my own feet. Before I knew what was happening, Sosa was gone.
Had the meatier part of my brain accompanied me on my escapades today, I would have thought to nab the sweaty towel with the intent of auctioning it off on Ebay. As it was, I came out of the encounter empty handed.
To add insult to injury, I forgot to switch CTA trains on the way home, and so I missed my stop. I consequently ended up at Wrigley Field, and was followed home by two drunk cubs fans.
GO SOX WOO!
Er...
GO CUBS WOO?
User Reviews
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-19 15:42:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-06-25 15:20:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think she said she was a cubs fan, but women who are cubs fans are typically cool people.
SOX fans? Ummm... No comment.
I don't know if this story is real or not, but it doesn't matter because it's still funny. The only flaw is the "followed home by two drunk cub fans" thing. The cubs haven't played in wrigley for awhile...so this had to happen recently during a small home stand or a long time ago.
Either way...funny & believable story because I wouldn't doubt for a second a famous athlete would do that. You wish it was Mark Grace who made that mistake, because he would have given you a bat or something. He was a class act.
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2004-06-25 15:00:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The ol' lighntin' wit strikes again! Hate it when I get all tongue-tied or can't think of a good cutting remark when needed. And you missed out on that bacon, too.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2004-06-25 14:44:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'M ALIVE! I'M ALIVE!
But not really "back" to Uber. Someone told me you, Squirrel, are a dancer so I only came by to see your post. I did not know you were a dancer, too. Or maybe I just forgot. Either way, I am a dummyhead.
Hello, fellow oddball dancer.
I did physical therapy for a while last year, too. First appointment:
Therapist: What's bothering you?
Me: My left shoulder. I just got it xrayed. The collar bone is seperated, there's a bone spur filling in the gap, and the top of the scapula is arthritic. Sometimes I can't lift my arm for days.
Therapist: How long has it been bothering you?
Me: About 5 years-
Other Therapist On The Other Side Of The Room With A Smartass Grin On His Face: You're a dancer aren't you.
Ain't it grand?
I've been doing more running than dancing lately. Improper dance instruction early on half-way blew out my knees; running should finish the job more quickly. I hate to leave things half done.
I may get one of those oh-so-exciting update posts up Monday.
Adios!
-Natophelia
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2004-06-15 00:33:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your a cubs fan? I want you to marry me even more now!
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-06-13 14:28:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Obviously it was scenario number one.
Submitted by transcendent (user info) at 2004-06-03 22:10:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entertaining enough. +2
"What the hell's a pilate?"
Pilates. It's one of them new age celebrity stretching activities. Evidently yoga became too popular amongst the unwashed masses, so they had to invent some new, more elitist way to contort themselves and feel special.
Submitted by Tenyuki (user info) at 2004-06-03 17:58:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I want to stalk him. Oh, never mind. Operation Ivy just came up on my dealie. Mmm...
What the hell's a pilate?
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-03 11:15:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
you should have beat the crap out of him. you
would have made it in the papers as the chick that beat him up.
or you coulda just kicked him in the balls.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-06-03 07:09:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
!
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-06-03 06:57:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh my lord, youarsoghey, I forgot about that!
I found that guy last year some time, man did that freak me out.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-06-03 04:33:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-06-03 02:10:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bless.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-06-02 23:42:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?user_id=5118
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2004-06-02 23:20:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You should have beat the shit out of him.
Dan Patrick: Sammy Sosa got the shit beat out of him today. Sammy was unable to defend himself against the assailant because he had not taken any performance enhancers in the past 24 hours.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-06-02 23:10:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2004-06-02 22:39:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Being a serious ballet student, I have accumulated a mildly impressive list of injuries over the past few years. I'm currently nursing Achilles tendonitis, and I am required as part of my treatment to attend physical therapy a few times a week."
First: walk it off ya big baby.
Two: Sammy Sosa is a dirty fucking cheater and he corks his batsand I hope he gets hit by an old lady with blue hair driving a 1988 Buick. I thought it was great when he got plunked in the head last year. Yes I am a White Sox fan, but I hate Sammy Sosa more than just about anyone in baseball. You should have shot him with a bb gun in the ballsack.
-BongZilla
+2 Good Story though.
GO Sox WOOOO!!!! Paul Konerko for MVP in 04!!!!
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-06-02 22:36:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Come on Loki admit it you were stoned outta your gourd.
That is a pretty freaky thing to see tho. When I was in Souf Afreeca I was going to the gym and there was this one trainer who was A MONSTER. His biceps were bigger than my thighs and I ain't small.
Then of course he was BLACK. Not Dark but BLUE BLACK. This combination made him one impressive piece of man and although he was a hell of a nice guy it made all us whiteys feel kinda puny!
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-06-02 22:25:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yuppie.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-06-02 22:23:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I once had a deep and meaningful conversation with a couple of players for the Grizzles (NBA). I was in the work-out room at a hotel in Atlanta running on the treadmill watching all the white guys stare in amazement as these enormous black guys with dread locks put all the pens in the weight machines way down in the very bottom of every single machine without even looking at it. Basically, these guys are bench pressing like 500 pounds or something, who the hell knows.
Clearly I'm ignoring the entire show right, because I'm above all of that and way too cool to even notice that anything odd is going on. At some point along in there one of them said what I believe was something like "nice ink" that I interpreted as a compliment on my tattoo. Because I am a brilliant conversationalist I replied, "oh yea thanks". Then we exchanged a quick "see ya" as they left and I continued to be cool and above it all.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-06-02 21:44:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
FUCK THE CUBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i love you viv, but....
GO YANKEES....
oh yea,
FUCK THE METS TOO.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-06-02 20:23:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Cubs?
Hmmm are they that second rate baseball team that haven't managed to win a world series for a century or something.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-06-02 20:12:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WHO'S SAMMY SOSA?!?!!
Daking, you're letting your nationality show!
Sammy sosa is a famous home-run hitter dude typ-a-guy on the Cubs.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-06-02 20:02:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Who's Sammy Sosa.
+2 for a whimpy ditz. My favourite candy.
Submitted by Snuggles_The_Assassin (user info) at 2004-06-02 19:23:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking yuppies they make the best tasting babies.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-06-02 18:14:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Habeeb is trying to convince me I am a yuppie, damnit:
not habeeb (5:19:12 PM): you know what i did last night?
notohlookasquirrel (5:19:15 PM): yess?
notohlookasquirrel (5:19:18 PM): ate yuppies?
not habeeb (5:19:26 PM): i got all boozed up and went for a late night beef jerky run
notohlookasquirrel (5:19:29 PM): damnit
notohlookasquirrel (5:19:32 PM): i went to a french bistro
Fuck...maybe I am...
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2004-06-02 18:11:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yuppie
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-06-02 18:10:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go Mets..boo :(
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-06-02 18:08:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have said "No wonder you cork your bats, you can't even get a towel over the wall!"
That's what I would have said.
+2 for my originality.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-06-02 18:02:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-06-02 17:59:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have said "No wonder you cork your bats, you can't even get a towel over the wall!"
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-06-02 17:59:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have said "No wonder you cork your bats, you can't even get a towel over the wall!"
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-06-02 17:57:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sammy Sosa. What a prick.
Submitted by Slapshot99 (user info) at 2004-06-02 17:44:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I wouldn't buy a sweaty towel on Ebay.........maybe some sweat filled panties or a worked over TU TU...OH yeah......LIGHTEN UP
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-06-02 17:42:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...and you didn't keep Sammy Sosa's towel?! That thing would go for thousands on e-bay.