Beer Trophy (2264 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.83 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mike Witcombe <mikethescottish.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-06-03 07:08:49 EDT
Of all the strange people I hung around with in my mid-teens, the strangest of the lot had to be Neil. Neil was your classic tortured genius- a guy who had offers to go to Oxford despite being a chronic alcoholic, a guy who do something completely random just because he knew he could talk his way out of it. He also liked word 'fuck'. Towards the end of our A-Levels (pre-University exams for all you non-brits), Neil was coasting high on his inflated sense of self-esteem, so much so that he decided to get rigorously wasted the day before his main Maths exam. For some unknown reason (probably because I didn't do maths), I decided to join him.
"Mike! You fucking legend! Wooo!"
I smiled awkwardly. Ten past 4 in the afternoon and already my companion had drunk enough to making standing up straight a serious issue.
"Alright, Neil. What we gonna do?"
As if I needed to ask.
"Get hammered!!!! Woooo!"
I wasn't much in the mood for drinking, but after a few pints of Stella in a cheap bar, I was in a state of pleasant sleepiness. Others may get laid, watch films, eat- not me. I fall asleep. Anyway, by this point in time Neil was far gone, even by his usual standards, and slurred an idea into my dozing ear.
"Wennedagebetro... hey. WAKE THE FUCK UP!!"
"Huh, whaddafuck..."
"Beer trophy man! We need a fuckin' beer trophy!"
I'd lost count of the number of times Neil had hatched stupid, drunken plans, and had gotten away with them. I rose from the beer mat I was dozing on and tried to make out what he was saying.
"A beer trophy! We need to steal something, Mike, something cool! Something random!"
Oh Jeez.
"Come on, fucker! Beeeeerrrr troppphhyyy!"
I didn't have the heart to cave in to my cowardly instincts. I joined him, walked out of the bar, into the blinding sunshine. I stumbled down the high street. I didn't know what Neil had in mind. I knew about his collection of discarded licence plates, his giant 'men at work' sign that hung proudly above his fireplace. I presumed he'd be after another, equally useless, acquisition.
"Uhhh, Neil? What you planning on?"
An evil glint appeared in his bleary, bloodshot eyes. 'Oh shit' said my brain. 'Oh, cool' said my mouth. We wandered- or should I say, staggered- down the street until we came to a large, chain-store stationers. We casually walked inside, when a spark came into Neil's face. His eyes lit up. His eyes widened. His mouth twisted into a dazzling smile. All was right, until I saw what had caused his reaction. His holy grail; a giant, life-sized cardboard cut-out of Aragorn, advertising the latest Lord of the Rings film.
"Dude, you thinkin' what i'm thinkin'"
I hope to fuck that I'm not.
"We're gonna have him, man. How's that for a fuckin' beer trophy!"
"Yeah, looks cool."
Hang on, what did I say? By this point I was caught up in the moment. I was still standing there, goofily, as Neil picked up Aragorn, mounted him on his should like a rifle, and calmly marched out of the shop. I saw a fat shelf-stacker turn his eyes, momentarily confused, then alarmed, then angry.
"Stop! Theif!"
Neil abandoned his stylish exit, slotted Aragorn under his arm and charged out of the shop, yelling "BEEEER TROPPPHHYY" at maximum volume. I was too stunned to move, could only watch as the fat guy started to give chase. I tagged along behind him, part out of concern for my friend, and part of morbid curiosity.
It was like something out of a Tom and Jerry cartoon. Neil, completely drunk, running in wobbly lines up the high street with a life-size Aragorn under his arm, and a fat guy sweating profusely as he tried to catch up. I couldn't help it. I fell on the pavement, laughing like a hyena on acid. I could still hear Neil, and I twisted my body to see what would happen. He seemed to be making it free. The fat guy hunched over, exhausted, by a lamp-post.
"BBBEEEERRR TRRROOPPPHH....umph"
Neil's war cry had been interrupted by a well-meaning passer-by, a malicious Samaritan who tripped him, sending him sprawling to the ground. Aragorn fell from his grasp, bounced, fell in the road, and was promptly run over by a cement truck.
They ended up catching Neil, taking him to the police station. He was thrown in the drunk tank. For some unknown reason, I spent the evening in the reception, sleeping on a hard, wooden bench. The next morning, I woke up to see Neil emerging from the cells, looking like a poster boy for a 'Drugs are bad' campaign, complete with puke-stained t-shirt and bloody nose. It was 9 o'clock. His maths exam was at ten. I stood up to help support him.
"Come on mate, let's get this over with"
I escorted him back up to our college, to right outside the exam room, just in time for his name to be read out. As he shambled in, causing the teacher reading the names to cover his nose, he winked at me. I wandered off to the canteen and fell asleep.
He ended up getting 100% on the exam AND not getting charges pressed. Bastard.
User Reviews
Submitted by siervua (user info) at 2005-01-28 13:51:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Next time steal me a Bloom trophy :)
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-11-23 18:54:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*Auto +2 for being DREAMY!*
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-11-20 23:43:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a friend like this. Her name is Shekky, and she gets me into no end of sticky situations. Luckily, I'm the fast-talker in the friendship, and I always get us out. Except for that one time in Germany. Wankers.
Submitted by Supreme_Overlord (user info) at 2004-10-04 12:44:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for Aragorn and +1 for acing the math exam (well Neil anyway).
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-10-04 11:46:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
+1 for "laughing like a hyena on acid"
-1 for yet another drunk story ffrom the UK ( do ya do anything else over there? Do anything crazy when you're sober?
Oh well. Worth reading but barely.
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-10-04 11:22:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"BEEEER TROPPPHHYY"
drunken yelling usually works its way into quality posts such as this
solid 2
Submitted by Xile (user info) at 2004-10-04 02:56:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-10-03 20:13:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
VIGGO! Awww, yeah...
What?
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-06-03 19:24:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've had friends like that. Funy what seems like a really good idea after a whole bunch of beers.
Oh, honey, I didn't get drunk, I just went to a strange fantasy world.
-- Homer Simpson
El Viaje Misterioso De Nuestro Jomer
Submitted by fhreak (user info) at 2004-06-03 11:50:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice nice reading..
Submitted by JinkyWilliams (user info) at 2004-06-03 11:08:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The picture just got me. Hilarious.
...And the story was entertaining as well, btw.
Stay orange.
--JW
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-03 11:01:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"'Oh shit' said my brain. 'Oh, cool' said my mouth. "
HA HA HA HA
i wish i had a friend like that. i need some adventure.
Submitted by Lucky (user info) at 2004-06-03 10:24:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Dude, you thinkin' what i'm thinkin'"
I hope to fuck that I'm not.
Haha
Submitted by Scotsman (user info) at 2004-06-03 09:07:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hated guys like that at Uni....only because I was jealous ...then again I am here to rate your post not your pal
take a +2 but next time steal something really cool!
Submitted by Micromiiky (user info) at 2004-06-03 08:01:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm just saying, why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a
spare in case Bart's brain blows up.
-- Homer Simpson
Bart the Genius
I want a genius
Submitted by Nurofen at 2004-06-03 07:51:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bart: Can I be a boozehound?
Homer: Not till you're 15.
Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(annoyed grunt)ocious