The Girlfriend Strikes Back and the Dildo of Doom (4038 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.83 on 53 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SausageKing (View user info) at 2004-06-03 13:55:38 EDT
(This is a continuation of the events described in - 3 Days of the Dirty Sanchez: A Tale of Shame and Redemption http://www.ubersite.com/m/28554)
PART I - Indecent Proposal
It took a little while, but my girlfriend got her vengeance on me in a way more horrible than I could have possibly imagined. She had been biding her time to strike, like a jumping spider patiently waiting for the fly to let its guard down; then BAM - in a explosive fury of motion the spider pounces and snatches the fly up, then drains its succulent juices like a raspberry slurpee on a hot summer day.
I am the fly. I am the slurpee.
It all started when she read an article in one of those trashy women's magazines. The article detailed on ways to help fix relationship issues after some sort of problem has driven a divisive wedge between the couple. With normal people this would be one or both of the partners cheating on each other. In our case it was a twisted game of perverted one-upsmanship that was the problem. A 'Dirty Sanchez' and an 'Abe Lincoln' can strain the strongest of relationships, and it had strained ours.
The one suggestion in the article that my girlfriend really liked but disturbed the hell out of me was as follows:
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To get closer together than ever, let him know how it feels to be a woman for once. Buy a strap-on dildo and take him from behind. The feeling of power you will receive, and his submissing to your desire will heal the rifts torn between you. As his prostate is tickled, he will also find a new pleasure the likes of which he has never experienced before.
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I really did not want to do it for obvious reasons, but she kept droning on and on about all of this boring crap to due with our ' relationship', 'lack of communication', 'trust and commitment', 'are you actually listening to me?' and some other nonsense. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention. I tried my best to zone it all out, but her voice was louder than the TV. Nothing else I tried could shut her up.
"Fine! I will let you hump me up the ass with a strap-on dildo. Then will you shut the hell up?" I asked her, throwing up my hands in surrender.
"Of course honey," she answered sweetly. I narrowed my eyes, searching her face for signs of duplicity. If there was any deception there I couldn't see it.
Looking back, I realize just how tragically blind I was
__________________
PART II - Two Men Enter, One Man Leaves
"I can't believe you talked me into this," I said as I regarded the rather imposing looking dildo harnessed on my girlfriend. My anus puckered in fear as it realized that all 8 inches of molded plastic phallic would soon be thrusting hard into it.
"Oh quit whining you big baby," she admonished. "You'll enjoy it. I promise."
"I don't know," I answered skeptically. I reluctantly presented my bare rump to my girlfriend. "Let's just get this over with so I can get back to riding you, like nature intended."
"Ok, just let me lube this thing up," she said. As I heard her lubing up the dildo I buried my face in a pillow and bit down hard, preparing myself for the upcoming anal onslaught.
"Ok the dildo is all lubed up. Hold still while I slide it in. It may feel a bit weird at first but once your asshole loosens up a bit it will slide in and out just fine," she told me in a soothing tone to try and ease my fears. It did no such thing.
I bit down on the pillow harder as I felt the dildo probing at the castle gate. I felt some pressure, soft at first then harder and more insisting. Finally the castle walls were breached and I had the odd sensation of taking a big crap but in reverse. It wasn't nearly as painful as I thought it would be, but I still found it far from pleasurable.
"How does that feel? Ok so far?" she asked.
I grunted to her that I was ok. I just wanted this to be over.
"It is all the way in now. Let's just hold it there for a bit to allow your ass to get use to it. And....that should be enough time. Ok we're done," she said.
"Uh, how can we be done?" I asked her, puzzled. "It's still in there."
"Oh and it will be in there for a long time I think. 'Because you see, I lubed the dildo with Crazy-Glue," she said without hiding the note of triumph in her voice.
"WHAT?! You're joking right?"
"Nope. This is what you get for doing that, what was it, 'Abe Lincoln' on me," she said as she undid the harness on the dildo.
"But this! You glued a goddam dildo inside my ass! I have to crap out of there! I could fucking die! How the hell am I going to get it out?" I yelled at her frantically.
She snorted disdainfully, "Well I don't see how that's my problem."
"But...But..." I stammered at a loss for words now. I tugged at the dildo. It wasn't going anywhere. It was starting to sink in to me that I was in serious trouble.
"Well it has been fun but I am going to sleep at my house tonight," said my girlfriend. She got off the bed and got dressed. "Give me a call later sweetie. I hope everything works out. Ok, bye bye then," and with that she left my room and I heard the front door of my house slam behind her.
_____________________
PART III - Tear Him a New Asshole
I laid on the bed for a good two hours alternately sobbing like a baby, praying that this was all just a dream, and cursing my girlfriend. Every few minutes I would give a tug at the dildo to see if by some miracle it had loosened. No dice. I had to deal with this myself. Since there was no way I was going to get pants on any time soon, to hide my shame I put on a big overcoat like the type flashers wear. I made it unseen to my car and drove to the hospital.
Once at the hospital a kindly middle-aged doctor asked me some questions.
"So you were playing around and a dildo got stuck in your rear," he said to me without a trace of judgment in his voice. "It happens quite often surprisingly, don't worry about it."
"Really?" I was so relived. Everything would work out just fine.
"Oh yeah. I'm just curious, why can't you pull it out?"
"Well, it's kind of glued in there. With Crazy Glue."
"Oh my God," he said, his expression instantly darkening.
"What! You said I would be ok!" I said to him, instantly the panic began to seize me. "Please tell me straight Doc, am I going to die?"
"Die? Oh no son, you won't die. If worse comes to worse and we can't get the dildo out, we can make you a new anus to bypass the old one," the doctor said.
"New anus? But I like my old one just fine."
"I understand. I will do my best to save your anus. For now just lie on this bed as I do a bit of research. I'll be right back," the doctor said as he began to leave the room. He stopped suddenly at the door and said, "I know this may not be my place to say it, but your girlfriend seems like a real bitch."
I couldn't disagree with him, "Don't I know it doc. Don't I know it."
-----
I left the hospital five hours later with only one asshole, just like nature intended. The good doctor had found a medicine that would slough off the outer layers of skin, and with the medicine and some elbow grease he managed to get the dildo out of my ass. My anus felt raw and abused, but it would recover.
Now my thoughts turned to my girlfriend and revenge. There is no forgiving what she did. I made a vow right there in the parking lot:
In this life or the next I would have my vengeance.
She had won the battle, but she would not win war. This was not over yet - not by a long shot.
User Reviews
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-02-27 15:15:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, I'd love to hear how this all worked out.
But this was his last post.
WEEP.
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2004-09-30 16:46:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Owie.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-09-30 16:17:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Come back, Sausage King!
Submitted by causeican (user info) at 2004-09-22 15:05:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is the funniest post I have ever read!!!!
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-08-06 02:34:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
holey shit
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-08-04 12:45:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Marauder (user info) at 2004-08-04 12:26:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The title alone deserves a +2
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-04 12:12:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How the fuck did I miss this?
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-08-04 11:53:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well?
Did you cum?
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-08-04 11:46:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God damn I shouldn't read stuff like this at work. Trying to stifle my laughter I sound like I'm choking. Someone's going to try and give me the heimlich
Submitted by deenie (user info) at 2004-08-04 11:38:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
IF, this story is true, and this girl did what she did,
she DESERVES the revenge for being stupid enough to get back in bed with you
great stories!!!!
Submitted by JewdoMaster (user info) at 2004-06-11 04:06:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, like Malcolm in the Middle, but for 'adults'!
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-06-11 03:20:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i really wish this series was a sitcom on tv
Submitted by SausageKing (user info) at 2004-06-08 03:33:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-05 12:13:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed so hard I nearly died.
You're just teasing me by making me think you could be single, aren't you?
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Hahaha...well when I get my vengeance on my girlfriend, which will be soon, then we will see.
Submitted by indigogecko (user info) at 2004-06-05 12:40:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny stuff... really puts relationship problems in perspective huh?
Submitted by cheruboo (user info) at 2004-06-05 12:39:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
why didnt you just grab her and LITERALLY rape HER in the ass once she told you it was crazy glue? you let her leave like a pussy.......and why the FUCK would you let her use an 8 inch dildo?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-05 12:13:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed so hard I nearly died.
You're just teasing me by making me think you could be single, aren't you?
Submitted by craptastic (user info) at 2004-06-04 17:56:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-04 17:53:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just keep in mind that whatever you do to me will not even compare with what I have in mind for you if you follow through with your "revenge". Think of that dildo stuck up your ass, now multiply that experience a thousand times. Remember, I am evil, and I cannot be destroyed.
Submitted by hungryc (user info) at 2004-06-04 13:42:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
To get your revenge, post pictures of her over the internet... or eat really hot chili peppers and make sure you get the oils over your hand... and stroke her till she's hot hot hot.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-04 11:22:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-06-04 10:44:06 (#)
Ranking: 0
utter bullshit, "as if".... +0 just because you took the time to type it out.
________________________________________________________________________________
Since when does everything on Uber have to be non-fiction.
Submitted by Scotsman (user info) at 2004-06-04 11:19:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Doh! Read part one now....I see what an Abe Lincoln is.
Absolute class my man!! have another +2
Submitted by Scotsman (user info) at 2004-06-04 11:11:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Erm...whats an Abe Lincoln? I know the Dirty Sanchez but Abe Lincoln is a new one on me.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-06-04 10:44:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
utter bullshit, "as if".... +0 just because you took the time to type it out.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2004-06-04 03:55:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are sick. What is even sicker is that some dumbass is going to try this.
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-06-04 03:34:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There is always the hot sauce option...nipples in icy hot is a good preview for what awaits her.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-06-03 23:20:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
**you can put itchy powder on her tampons**
Or wasabi. Do I really need to point out that you could avoided the whole thing by not letting anyone stick anything in your ass? It's a exit and not an entrance for a reason.
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2004-06-03 22:45:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If this goes any further then I hope that neither of you are stupid enough to let the other tie time up.
You had me laughing though.
Submitted by Alfa_Veloce (user info) at 2004-06-03 21:56:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh my. You should crazy glue her hand to her vagina.
Submitted by SausageKing (user info) at 2004-06-03 19:01:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy cows, so many reviews! Thanks to all of you who are amused by my suffering! Don't worry, when I get my vegeance on my GF I will post the bloody results up here.
Submitted by cwl989 (user info) at 2004-06-03 18:47:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My god, don't I admire your self-restraint. If that had been me, I would have curb-stomped that bitch to death.
Well, I wouldn't have done it in the first place, but still.
Submitted by ugaly (user info) at 2004-06-03 17:58:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
how do you tell a doctor that. did it go something like this
umm doc. there is a fake cock stuck in my crack. well not my crack persay...in my anus.
no im pretty sure its stuck..with crazy glue.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-03 17:37:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my...
Submitted by iamhewhoisnot (user info) at 2004-06-03 16:46:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
first i laughed my ass off at your post...and then i saw your name...and pooped my pants
B@W seconded, cubed, whatever
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-06-03 16:33:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i laughed. i cried. i laughed some more. i winced. i laughed hysterically for five minutes. i rated this a +2.
and the adventure continues...
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2004-06-03 16:23:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
True or not, this was fucking hilarious!
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-06-03 16:21:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd have to give you a +2 for the sheer amount of film references alone, but the post itself was also fantastic. So, as I can't give you a +4, have a +2.
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-06-03 16:21:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Evil, evil woman if this is true. Funny as shit though.
Submitted by lawryde (user info) at 2004-06-03 16:12:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:45:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lawryde (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:23:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Does enjoying getting fucked in the ass by a woman make me... I mean... a person, gay?
_______________________________________
NOOOOOO... why? interested???
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As long as you're gentle :)
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-03 16:02:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my god that was fucking hilarious.
"Fine! I will let you hump me up the ass with a strap-on dildo. Then will you shut the hell up?"
This quote should go down in history.
I loved the way she so casually said "I hope everything works out."
Classic post!
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-03 16:01:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-06-03 15:57:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think that a judge would find you nonguilty of murder if you killed your girlfriend after the incident in question.
Submitted by Angry Pirate at 2004-06-03 15:15:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Give her an angry pirate or a chili dog
Submitted by Dufflady (user info) at 2004-06-03 15:03:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahh, poor thing. Driving like that?
Submitted by Burn (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:56:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
u poor man.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:45:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lawryde (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:23:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Does enjoying getting fucked in the ass by a woman make me... I'm mean a person, gay?
_______________________________________
NOOOOOO... why? interested???
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:38:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i think that would count as ASSault, BUTT I can't wait to see what you have in store for her.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:38:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:35:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fiction or not this is high-fucking-larry-us.
This two's for you Mr. Take-It-In-The-Ass-From-Your-Girlfriend-With-A-Glue-Covered-Dildo-Man!
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:29:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant!!!!
Submitted by Lemonboy (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:26:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
+2 for the hint of good reveneg i look forward to reading
-2 for agreeing to taking it in the ass. i don't care how much she bitched
-1 for not beating the crap out of her before she left
+1 for the probable shock that a dildo was in your ass that stoped you.
Submitted by jme7551 <JME7551.at.HOTMAIL.COM> at 2004-06-03 14:23:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking hysterical but i think your girlfriend is satan
Submitted by lawryde (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:23:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Does enjoying getting fucked in the ass by a woman make me... I'm mean a person, gay?
Submitted by Slapshot99 (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:20:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
(whistle)........"Illegal use of RIDICULUS Bullshit material for the sake of hitwhoring".."5 minute game misconduct".....5 on 4...(skating backwards with both hands pointing towards the nearest face-off circle)
still though.........shit was funny to read
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:14:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wow.
Submitted by JMcBride (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:13:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ZeroSkittles <zeroskittles.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-06-03 14:08:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ROFL, thats some funny shit. Damn mean but funny too.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:01:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAAAAAAAAAH HA HA HA HA HA
she fucked up a good thing. i would love to fuck a guy with a dildo!
she was lucky you consented!
you poor thing...
you can put itchy powder on her tampons :-)