Tom Learns A Valuable Lesson (3743 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Tom
Rating: 1.93 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2004-06-03 14:16:47 EDT
The thing about our Jungle Juice parties (http://www.ubersite.com/m/34368) was that the cops would almost always come a-knockin' when the house was a-rockin', if you know what I mean. It's not that our parties were always Captain Insano Decibel Fests, but if you got enough people in a small apartment together and threw some alcohol in the mix, you'd have a recipe for trouble. Fortunately for me, I had a friend on the Boone Police Department, by the name of Duane Minkus (everyone called him Mink). He was an ultra-cool guy, but he had no patience for bullshit.
He was a friend to the three of us in the apartment. We had been close since high school, but when we went to college, Mink got married, had a kid, and joined the BPD. We kept in touch and, of course, whenever he had to work Fridays or Saturdays, we would regularly see him, because he would constantly have to bust our parties up due to the noise. He was usually really cool about it. He'd tell us that the neighbors were complaining, and that we needed to turn our shit down. Because we all respected him (and didn't want his partner to make him give us a noise ordinance ticket), we were usually compliant.
One of the greatest things about Mink was that he didn't give a fuck about Tom's insane bullshit (http://www.ubersite.com/m/32465, http://www.ubersite.com/m/33304, http://www.ubersite.com/m/34256). He'd flat out tell him to shut the fuck up or he'd be forced to give Tom a beating. He also stood about 6'5", 240 pounds, and worked out all the time. He was no small fellow (that's about 195 cm, 109 kg for the metric readers), you dig? He was handy to have around whenever Tom was acting the fool.
What you never wanted to happen was for Tom and Mink to be in foul moods at the same time. If this event occurred, the absolute best thing you could do was to keep them separated. Alas, this was not always possible.
Mink pounded on the door one night when we were being a little rowdy. Tom, specifically, was being a fucking rebo and screaming at the top of his lungs in his room. He had taken in entirely too much Jungle Juice, and I daresay that the mix on that particular night had a bit more caffeine in it than usual. About twice as much, I'd say. I'd say that because I was the one who personally crushed up the caffeine pills. Tom's freakish exhibition was entertaining, however, and a sizeable crowd had gathered in his room to watch the show.
I opened the door.
Me: "Hey Mink, how's it going?"
Mink: "Hey Jimbo, not much...could you tell Ape-boy to fucking pipe down?"
Me: "Yeah, sure...come on in."
Mink and his partner were standing in the entry hall, waiting for me. I stuck my head in Tom's room just in time to see him drunkenly hopping around his room in a bowling shirt and SpongeBob boxers, spinning his girlfriend's giant stuffed monkey over his head and Shrieking Like A Berserker. It was like watching a real life, honest-to-God Cornholio.
Tom: "I AM KING OF THE ANIMALS!! I AM KING OF THE ANIMALS!!"
Me: "Mink's here, you freakazoid. He says to shut the fuck up."
Tom: "FUCKING PIGS!! FUCK THA POLICE!!"
Mink popped his head around the corner.
Mink: "If you don't shut your shit down, I'm gonna give you a beating, you stupid bastard."
Tom: "Hey Duane, what would you do if I tried to grab your gun?"
Mink: "You'd get about three feet and I'd fucking crack you one in the melon with my baton. Calm down you fucking toolbox."
Dead silence. I waited and waited, thinking Tom was going to blast-off into Psychoville, but then I remembered who he was talking to. Duane. Mink. The one guy who had immunity from Tom's weirdness. The shelter against the Hurricane. Tom looked crestfallen.
Tom: "Aww, man, I was just kidding. I wouldn't try to do any shit like th-...Hey you don't even carry a baton! Hah! You dumbass! What are you gonna do, shoot me?"
Mink: "I want you guys to keep it down for the rest of the night, okay?"
Mink turned to leave, and Tom saw it as an opportunity for hijinks. He lunged across the room, giggling in a high pitched girlish manner. It was like that scene at the beginning of Ghostbusters where Dan Akroyd, Bill Murray and Harold Ramis try to jump that ghost in the library. Tom found out the hard way that Duane wasn't fucking around. He whipped out his 5 D-cell Mag-Lite and brought it crashing down on Tom's collarbone. Tom went down like a fucking sack of flour. He started whimpering on the floor.
Mink: "Goddamnit, you idiot! What the fuck is wrong with you! Who tries to fucking grab a fucking police officer's fucking gun?! Jesus Christ!"
Tom: "Urrrrrraaaggggeeeeeeee...."
Mink: "Oh, stop whining you pussy! I didn't hit you that hard."
As it turned out. Mink had, in fact, struck him quite hard enough. Tom told his parents he had wrecked his mountain bike. Crazy bastard.
User Reviews
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2006-11-01 00:15:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-03-03 18:41:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-08-08 19:44:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-03-14 07:00:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Too many times have I been forced to negotiate with the police over a friends missbehaviour, friends like that will get you killed one day...
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-09-23 18:48:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-09-21 13:53:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ishgirl at 2004-07-28 19:03:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
beyond anything i have every read on the internet. You n Tom are one of a kind.
-histerical
Submitted by Sambuca310 (user info) at 2004-07-26 16:30:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2004-07-08 03:30:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CleverName (user info) at 2004-06-09 15:12:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the Mag-lite beatdown.
The Streamlight SL-20 is another very effective blunt instrument-
slitghtly shorter and thicker for those close quarters thumpings.
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-06-06 23:24:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
always good stuff
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-06-05 15:54:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mink, Dano and Tom should star in their own reality tv show. This was hilarious. Again.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-06-03 23:25:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Deserved what he got. I keep one of those Mag-Lites around my own self, comes in all kinds of handy.
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-06-03 22:18:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have the same mag-light. ironic that I call it my "whup-ass stick"
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-06-03 21:50:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck the police
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-03 20:17:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking hate Tom.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-06-03 20:02:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
serves the shit head right.
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-06-03 19:45:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is one of my favorite series.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-06-03 17:56:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:28:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Always ALWAYS the best post of the day when you come up with a Tom story.
-------------------------------------------------------
I second that.
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2004-06-03 17:18:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-06-03 15:31:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom rocks!
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-06-03 15:29:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom stories kick royal ass.
Submitted by Snuggles_The_Assassin (user info) at 2004-06-03 15:25:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Snuggles likes.
Submitted by miss_behvn (user info) at 2004-06-03 15:03:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:59:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good writing.
I look forward to the next adventure of Tom...and Jimbo.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:53:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jimbo stories kick so much ass he could worshiped as a demi-god in a developing country.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:52:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
automatic +2 when the freakish are injured.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:50:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everybody loves a post about Tom.
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:46:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
At first I didn't like this post. Then your annoyingly obnoxious friend got his shit ruined. That's when I knew this was getting a +2.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:39:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:36:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mink rocks balls.
Tom also rocks balls but in a totally different and slightly obnoxious way.
Jimbo rocks balls, moreso than most.
This post rocks +2 balls.
Submitted by Lucky (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:34:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Minkus
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:30:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hell yeah.
Submitted by shakenbabysyndrome (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:29:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
now this shit is funny!!
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:28:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Always ALWAYS the best post of the day when you come up with a Tom story.
Submitted by jme7551 <JME7551.at.HOTMAIL.COM> at 2004-06-03 14:27:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i think i want to marry Tom.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:22:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stories where morons get hurt make baby Jesus giggle.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:22:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yay a jimbo post!
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-06-03 14:21:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This series is fucking awesome.