Everything ends badly. Or else is wouldn't end. (1464 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Badlands (View user info) at 2004-06-03 22:38:49 EDT
I remember thinking--as I cuppped my large, weathered hands around the smooth folds of her delicate neck--that I didn't think I'd actually be able to go through with it. The whole world seemed to be moving in slow motion as I watched the sweat trickle from her brow while she trembled with fear, softly begging for her pathetic life. I began to feel such compassion, almost pitying this beautiful creature, who was now so close now to taking her final breath on this earth. Who was I to do such a thing? Who was I to be her judge? Her jury? Her executioner?
I remember gripping her flesh tightly, my hands shaking with trepidation. And then I began to doubt. I began to cry. And I almost let her go. Almost...
Looking back now, I appreciate the weakness I felt. I actually think about it a lot, and I'm really glad it happened the way it did. My reaction then always helps to remind me now, that I do have feelings. That I do have a conscience. That I do...exist.
I always knew that I did, but hey, who doesn't enjoy a little validation every now and then, right? Besides, what I did wasn't personal. It's not like I was looking forward to hurting her. Turns out I was just really good at it. And to be honest, I haven't found too many things in this world that I'm really good at. So maybe in a sense, I'm holding on just a little tighter than I really should be. Who knows? Not me. But I do know that now, I'll never stop.
I guess it all really started when I lost Carmen. That's when I think I really started to see things differently. She was the air in my lungs. She was the smile on my face. She was the very beat of my heart. I loved her. I was a different man back then. She made me want a life. She made me so happy. It's sounds like a bad fucking Lifetime movie, but the truth is, I had everything I wanted. Everything I needed. And then it was gone. Just like that. She just up and left...and she took my heart with her.
It's been a few years now, and it's still hard for me to talk about. It was just one of those things that you really can't explain. There wasn't anything specific to pin the breakup on. Somehow we just stopped talking to each other, And while I thought that ours were problems that could be worked out, turns out I was wrong. I was wrong about a whole lot of things. Ever wonder how sometimes in this life it's the one thing that seems so right in the beginning, that turns out to be the same thing that makes everything all wrong in the end?
Fuckin' joke. All of it. Just a cruel fuckin' joke. I still love you, Carmen. But in the end...you were all wrong. And I had to show you. You needed to know.
She was the only one who really knew me. She was the only person in the world that I ever truly opened myself up to. I shared with her my fears, my hopes, my dreams, my loves, my hates...all of it. I told her everything. And she left. I don't blame her. I'm not the easiest guy in the world to live with, and there were a lot of things that I could have done better. I guess you could say that I was the definition of a work in progress.
But aren't we all?
Why couldn't she see that and accept me for who I was, instead of resenting me for who I would never be? In the end, that's what destroyed us. She thought she knew me better than I knew myself. And that's why she left. She was convinced I'd never change.
But she was wrong. I did change. And it took her leaving to make it happen. She thought she knew me. But in the end, even she could never have guessed that I was capable of the things I've come to do. Of being the man I've come to be. I surprised her. I really did. I shook her to her very core. It hurt to do it. But I guess we always hurt the ones we love. Don't we?
I truly believe that there is no greater pain in this life than the pain you feel when someone you love--who you've never held back anything from--decides that she doesn't love you anymore. If that's the reality of this world...then what's it all for? Tell me, because I can't figure it out. I was all in, man. There's nothing I wouldn't have done for her. I would have fought to the death for her. She was family for Christ's sake. I would have laid down in fucking traffic for her. I'll just never understand the choice she made.
So I guess the whole experience begs the question - What do you do, when the only person in the world who knows you better that you know yourself, decides that who you are isn't good enough?
She was a part of me. People use the term as an annoying couples cliché—and I've always hated them—but she was "my better half". She was the best part. So what do you do when a part of you, the best part...goes away? I mean she couldn't live with me, so how could I live with myself?
For so long I had so many questions. Until one day, I decided to answer them. Answered every single one. And it felt so fucking good.
But it was hard. She was so beautiful. Everybody loved her. I loved her. And I loved to watch her move. She was confident. She was graceful. She was perfection. She was everything that I was not. And I loved her for it. I loved her for loving me.
I wanted to marry her. I wanted her to have my children. I used to think about that a lot. Crazy as it may sound, I always wanted to see her pregnant. People talk about pregnant women and how they have a certain glow about them. I couldn't wait to see that glow. And she would have been such a good mother. So loving, and so kind. I wouldn't have been able to ask for a better mother for my children. We could have had such a wonderful life together.
God...what the hell happened to me?
God. Now there's a sick joke. Who the fuck is God anyway? And where the fuck does he think he gets off screwing with my life like he did, anyway? God. Please...
I wasn't the most religious person in the world, and by that I mean that I never went to church regularly. But I've always felt that I had a spiritual relationship with God. I've always prayed, and I had always tried to live my life the right way. I tried to be a kind, compassionate, giving person. I used to talk with Him a lot. Just conversations where I would try to sort everything out, where I would try to understand.
I thought that if anyone could give me the answers I was looking for, or at least point me in the right direction to discover those answers, it would be Him. But they still haven't come. And I went through all the stages. Mourning, denial, anger, bargaining...you name it. But nothing. Not a damn thing. Not a flicker of understanding. He had every chance in the world to save me from becoming the man I am now. And he didn't care. He never appeared. Not once. Not one dream. Not one vision. Not even in the form of a beautiful blonde with big tits and an ass that tastes like Strawberry Ice Cream.
Was I asking a lot? Maybe. But dammit, give me something. I want a little comfort too, motherfucker! I want to feel better too. I never asked to have my heart ripped from my chest. I never asked for that kind of brutality. And for fuck's sake, I didn't deserve it! That's why I hate you God. That's why I want to hurt every living thing you've created. That's why I want to bring you down you sick, twisted, sadistic son of a bitch.
What kind of game are you running anyway? Bringing love into my life. Teaching me to experience all the joy and all of the beauty that this world has to offer. Allowing me to open my heart up to another human being, only to unceremoniously rip her away from me? Why did that have to happen? Why did you hurt me? I don't understand what I did to deserve your wrath. I don't think I ever will. But I don't care anymore.
I still remember the last words she ever said to me.
"I'm sorry, Frankie. I never wanted for this to end badly." Tears welling up in her eyes. Her full, pouty lips trembling. Hands all a quiver...
I just stared at her in disbelief. I never wanted this end badly? What the fuck was that supposed to mean? I was in shock. I was watching my whole world crumble around me, and it was most certainly "ending badly."
I didn't say anything that day. I just turned around and slowly walked away...those words echoing in my head...I never wanted this to end badly. Well guess what...everything ends badly my friend. Everything ends badly...or else it wouldn't end.
I remembered those words.
They chimed in my head, over and over again like a noonday gong ringing from the top of an old belltower. And it wouldn't stop. Those words haunting me...hour after hour, day after day, week after week, until I could take it no longer. Until I was forced to do something. Until I was forced to act. Until I was forced to strangle the young life out her body with the cold, unfeeling hands of a detached killer.
It was ironic, really. Her life in my hands. The same hands that once coursed with hot passion and a tender love for this beautiful creature, were now the same hands that were working to end her life.
It was such a beautiful scene. Really, it was. I remember that as she quietly choked on her wet tears, an as her precious life was slowly starting to fade away, I bent down, nuzzled the nape of her neck and whispered softly in her ear. Carmen used to love when I would whisper to her when we were all alone in the dark. I brushed back her lovely chestnut hair, and wiped a small tear from her now ashen cheek. It was so beautifully romantic.
"Everything ends badly" I cooed, and stroked her lovely hair one last time, "or else it wouldn't end."
She made one final attempt to gasp for air. My hand gripped tighter. The hand of God. Her body went limp. Goodbye Carmen. Goodbye, my sweet.
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 20:22:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-01 18:04:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
mmm
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-08-14 03:11:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-08-14 02:40:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Walker (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:40:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Outstanding! One of the best posts I've seen around here.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:18:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hmm... i'll probably end up dating someone like that.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:05:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
whoa
Submitted by mush (user info) at 2005-08-05 11:49:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Or else *it* wouldn't end?
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-08-03 16:45:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How did I not rate this?
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-17 16:03:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have that Guns N' Roses song, "Used To Love Her" song stuck in my head after reading this.
This post was damn good.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-22 14:51:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-12-20 08:51:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The best part of your stories is that they read so smoothly.
Submitted by toddska (user info) at 2004-09-24 08:31:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Grteat stuff once again
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-09-22 12:05:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Legendary_Threat (user info) at 2004-09-22 11:43:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:O
You should write a book, hell id read it, and im retarted.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-14 16:23:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it scary that I totally relate to this?
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-18 15:06:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
amazing
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-18 14:46:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
By "high school" I meant "high score".
Your shit is so good that I type dyslexic after reading it.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-18 14:45:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking A dude! How the fuck did I miss your shit? You are amazing. The way you write is the way I WANT to write. I wish there was some sort of cheat code with Ubersite to give someone an infinitely high school, above and beyond a +2.
"What do you do, when the only person in the world who knows you better that you know yourself, decides that who you are isn't good enough?"
Christ I know what this feels like.
You didn't really kill her, did you?
Looking forward to +2ing your next one... Rank!
Submitted by Ramzito (user info) at 2004-08-04 13:32:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amazing piece of writing.... I felt every emotion that you described.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-04 13:19:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Deserves a lot more attention that it got.
Submitted by Johnny99 (user info) at 2004-06-04 07:38:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Chilling!!!
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-06-04 07:25:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think giving this another +2 is entirely appropriate.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-06-04 07:24:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Deserves another +2.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-06-04 07:22:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is without doubt one of the best things i have ever read on Ubersite. I can't believe its been on the front page this long and has had so little response.
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-06-03 22:56:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
But very disturbing and creepy.
Don't kill your wife, you'll end up like OJ.
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-06-03 22:55:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good.