Ah to be 12 again - or a very dumb story (558 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.69 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <oleannder.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-06-04 10:28:58 EDT
It's been about a year & it still makes me smile. Trish had come over to my basement apartment so that I could force her to watch an incredibly horrible movie. I often do that to her, sometimes I will find a movie so astoundingly bad that I have to have another opinion just in case I may have lost my mind while viewing it the first time. I am pretty sure that the movie I was going to make her watch was bad enough to melt the fabric between space & time. The movie was titled 'Salomes Last Dance'.
A week before my boyfriend had brought the foul thing over. He was excited in a way that makes grown men look like little boys when they really want to share something with you. He told me that it was one of his favorite movies & that I was in for a treat so I allowed him to defile my VCR & spent the next hour and a half in sheer agony. Of course I would need to share this little gem with my friend.
I am not going to describe the 'plot' or *snicker* acting here because that isn't the point of this tale..... So Trish is watching the movie. Since my eyes had been tortured enough I watched her reactions instead. My favorite expression was puzzled with a hint of smelling a rancid dog fart mixed in with being stabbed several times.
At the halfway point I shut it off so we could go outside & have a joint. We both smoke but I don't let people smoke in my apartment, mostly because I live in a converted old house & everything I made or did downstairs could be smelled through the vents by my smoke-nazi yuppie upstairs neighbours.
I was too lazy to roll the doobie so we just shoved the pot into one of my many pipes & went to town on it. Turned out to be really good pot. The buzz hit within an instant & thats when things started to get a bit silly. We were standing by the shed when both of us were startled by a large spider. We hate spiders. So I summoned up all my courage & managed to complete a roundhouse kick & stomp it to oblivion lest it rise up with its hairy, webby bretheren, sneak up in the middle of the night & try to steal our Hagen Das. The 'kung-fu spider kick' is now legend amongst our friends. I don't know any martial arts at all so I am pretty sure that what was a cool kick at the time was really me just turning around & stomping on it.
We were pretty much acting like a couple of 12 year olds but we didn't care. It felt great to be wandering the yard in our bare feet & find the word 'doodie' funny again. The world was a happy place again where nothing bad happened to anyone. For a while anyways.
After getting pretty paranoid about a neighbour who was trying to assume the shame of a garden sprinkler, we went back inside to watch the second half of the movie. Even high is still sucked. Pretty soon we were hungry so I made us a couple of smokies on my George Forman grill. They were the best smokies ever. Manna from heaven never tasted so good. i was really enjoying mine when I realized that Trish had stopped eating hers & was just watching me devour mine.
"What?" I asked her
"That is the most perverted way to eat a hot dog, man. What is wrong with you?"
"What are you talking about?" - I was a bit freaked out now.
"You look like you are giving it head."
So we concluded that I should never eat smokies in front of people. Ever. Again.
Back to the 'film'. We were sitting there on the couch trying not to let the movie kill our souls when for no reason at all I looked at her and started singing the theme to the TV Batman. Only I wasn't singing 'na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!' no... that would be normal.... what I sang instead was 'na na na na na na na na na HAM!'. And it was genius & it kept us laughing for half an hour. Then I heard the Smoke-Nazi's outside.
"Shhhh... Shhhhh." I say to Trish
"whaaaa?"
"Shut up Man... shut up!"
Then I ran to the window & ducked under it. Just as they passed I shouted in all my glory:
'na na na na na na na na na HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!'
After that... 'HAM' became part of my every day life. I would call friends in the middle of the night just to sing the HAM song at them. Sure a few got pissed off but fuck them if they can't have a laugh. Most of the calls went to people who were smoking their own doobies & could appreciate the beauty of the HAM song.
Morale: Don't answer your phone at 2AM if you don't wanna hear about ham. Also, for your own sake... don't watch 'Salomes Last Dance'. It reallly does suck.
User Reviews
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2004-06-04 17:20:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
phew... for a seond there I thought that you said I gave Boobs a bad name. I was really worried for a second 'cause I am rather proud of my boys.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-04 17:06:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You give noobs a bad name.
Submitted by tsu (user info) at 2004-06-04 16:24:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Eh I laughed
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2004-06-04 12:37:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Terrible
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-06-04 11:47:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Very dumb indeed.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-06-04 11:43:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2004-06-04 11:36:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is actually fairly well written, but pointless. You need to develop a story...not just let it wander around like some stoned guy in a doughnut shop. Keep trying.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-06-04 11:04:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"Morale: Don't answer your phone at 2AM if you don't wanna hear about ham. Also, for your own sake... don't watch 'Salomes Last Dance'. It reallly does suck. "
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Morale
n.
The state of the spirits of a person or group as exhibited by confidence, cheerfulness, discipline, and willingness to perform assigned tasks.
Moral
n.
The lesson or principle contained in or taught by a fable, a story, or an event.
Learn the difference. This post sucked!
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-06-04 10:59:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
"Who's story is ever complete? "
-1 for your ignorance. Most of them are. A story has a beginning, middle and an end...99% of the time.
Submitted by Snuggles_The_Assassin (user info) at 2004-06-04 10:55:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
went nowhere this post did.
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2004-06-04 10:54:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The point is that there is no point. Just an open ended idiotic day. Who's story is ever complete?
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-04 10:53:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2004-06-04 10:51:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You could of just written.
Got stoned.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-06-04 10:47:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I dunno about this.
Guess...um, you had to be there.
You should of included a picture of the movie poster with this post.
Salomes Last Dance: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096029/combined
Submitted by Burn (user info) at 2004-06-04 10:38:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
i actually thought that was going somewhere