How to Punk Out Your Ex-Girlfreind's New Bitch-Ass Boyfriend (and other ways to win back her love) (2266 hits)
Category: RomanceLabels: ETS_Comedy_Writing
Rating: 0.87 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Brad <electrictoothsyndrome.at.msn.com> (View user info) at 2004-06-04 21:25:16 EDT
I think all of us find in the course of our lives that that one person comes along that make us hornier than anyone. Commonly referred to as the 'soul mate', this person becomes in most cases the one we fuck on a regular basis; that is if we disregard those meaningless times with those random people we pick up at bars and at Subway restaurants - they were conveniently forgettable and their pussies were too loose anyway. No, my friends, I am talking about TRUE love. The kind of love that never dies....unless they really deserve it.
The following is a guide on how to get rid of those annoying little details (new boyfriends) that emerge when your true love tries in vain to leave you....The following steps are ways to punk dat little bitch out while at the same time making her realize that she's is indeed the dumb-ass bitch you always told her she was....
STEP 1. Threaten him physically.
Nothing makes girls realize what a fool they've been more than showing them that you are willing to kick ass (or get your ass kicked) for them. Not to mention the fact that they love drama...(why do you think they watch those boring-ass soaps - because it makes them cleaner??? NO!!!) Imagine how much more they'll love it knowing that the drama is REAL and it is about them!
2. Threaten his intelligence.
Show your ex what a complete and utter bitch she was to you by systematically pointing out all the cereberal flaws of her new beau. YOU know he's an idiot...(he is with her after all)...now it's time for her to know it!!! Challenge him to a friendly game of russian roulette and let him go first. If he accepts he is a indeed a dumbass, and you should not miss the opportunity to point this out in front of as many people as possible. If he does not accept, just shoot him (see section 1). NOTE: If gun jams at this point there is no need to panic...just challenge him to the ULTIMATE test of intellectual skill and cunning.....TWISTER!
3. Threaten his livelihood.
Nothing will make that fucking cunt whore of an ex of yours sweat more than showing her what a loser she's involved with. And what better way to do that than plant a bomb in his car and call in a threat while he's at work. Then when the bomb sqad comes to do the routine sweep of the perimeter they can't help but notice how this Al-Queida-linked terrorist fucker has an arsenal of volatile substances in his possession. She'll have no choice but to come crawling back to you when everyone else shuns her because of her ties to known terrorists.
4. Threaten his ego.
Send him all the videotapes you made of his present girlfriend and you having sex while you were still together just to remind him how much better you are in bed than he is. NOTE: For bonus points, be sure and send him the one where you're fucking her in the ass while making exaggerated expressions at the camera.
5. Threaten his family.
If none of the above suggestions have borne fruit, try kidnapping one of his cousins or something and using them for ransom. He'll have no choice but to send your ex back to you. If he doesn't he'll be responsible for her death, and nobody wants that. NOTE: For bonus points, send him the video of you fucking his cousin in the ass while she's bound and gagged. This will have the dual effect of pissing him off while at the same time reminding your cunt-sucking, bitch-monkey whore of an ex what a good time she had while in that position.
6. Make them both feel guilty.
Kill yourself and mention them profusely in your suicide note. They will have no choice but to see the error of their fornicating ways thinking they could ever FUCK with YOU!!!!! I mean, who do they think they are!? - This one is really aimed more sqarely at your ex. Imagine how guilty she will feel when she finds out how much you really loved her and was willing to prove it. This will surely make her question the depth and sincerity of her present relationship. NOTE: For bonus points, fake your death instead. That stupid slut will surely realize how much she really loves you when she sees how much trouble you're going through for her worthless ass.
7. Tape all your phone calls!!!!
Tape all the phone calls you've made to him in the execution of the above points, and then use your Pro Tools, Cool Edit Pro, or Soundforge programs to edit the conversations making them sound as if YOU were the one being threatened. That you were just trying to be the good guy and stay away while she got on with what you thought was her new and better life, but MY GOD is this guy an asshole! How can she stand being with such a controlling person??? The stupid bitch can do much better than him.
8. Just KILL HIM.
This one is tricky because you have to try and do it right. I'd recommend watching plenty of "FBI: COLD CASE FILES" on A&E. Also TLC has some good programming that teaches you how to get away with it. If however in the event that you don't get away with it, you must make sure that you do it in a lenient state with conjugal visits, because you know that nasty cunt bitch bohemian whore will be coming around to see you......after all, if you can't have her, noone can!!!
I hope this guide is helpful. Furthermore I absolve myself of any and all liability if any of the above suggestions don't go as planned. I realize that all scenarios are different and not all will work properly, especially if you don't follow the fucking directions. Don't whine to me when your true love leaves you for good because you don't know how to follow directions.
User Reviews
Submitted by saxon4eva (user info) at 2006-08-25 06:20:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
your a funny guy.. (funny ha ha not funny strange ________ well?? )
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-08-25 06:03:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-08-25 05:27:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I thought it was the stringy unwashed hippy hair and the patchouli covered body odor...
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-08-25 05:13:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No wonder you live in a cave in indiana and can only find a woman on-line.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-02-11 02:04:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
WOW, I really need to stop drinking. Here I am reading this thinking "what a fascinating new post" then I see that I've already replied, but have no memory of it at all. AA anyone?
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-02-11 01:48:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by eIectrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-23 18:34:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Nice face...want a gun?
Submitted by equaIizer (user info) at 2004-10-21 09:14:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I will not cut corners.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-18 15:12:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
kill him
Submitted by stevendureI (user info) at 2004-10-17 13:12:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-14 14:15:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks Banga. No, it's not because you're drunk. This post kicks ass sober too! I know because I wrote it... ;)
Before any of the rest of you jump me for being egotistical...just remember that YOU TOO probably have cousins I've filmed in compromising positions...
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2004-09-14 03:38:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my drunk ass thinks this deserves more +2s but i'm too lazy to review more than once, eventhough only one counts. but still good work ass you.
Submitted by equalizer (user info) at 2004-09-14 03:30:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Equalized.
Submitted by fake_bargled (user info) at 2004-09-07 19:04:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck Aicha.
Submitted by vengeance (user info) at 2004-08-13 22:41:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by FetishII (user info) at 2004-08-12 19:52:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-12 19:38:34 (#)
Ranking: -2
Hope this is what you wanted!
---
Mr. Spam man, bring some spam. My nane is electrictoothsyndrome, and I'm like the 20th to spam Fetish this month, ain't I cool?
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-12 19:46:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-12 19:38:34 (#)
Ranking: -2
Hope this is what you wanted!
---
Better make sure you spam them all, I'm not missing a one, bitch!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-06-05 16:11:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-06-05 07:06:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Will you try this on my cheating scumbag ex for me? Just so I can have the satisfaction of a firm "NO" when he comes grovelling?"
No I will not. And I think you've missed the point of the post. This post is all about ways to win back the love of your life, and in no way condones the hurting of anyone's feelings. You really need to get some therapy for your problem before the anger eats you up inside.
PEACE AND LOVE FOREVER SISTER.
Submitted by braincramp (user info) at 2004-06-05 13:44:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You forgot to add the best way to get your old fuck back, get yourself a girl with bigger tits than her and flaunt the new girl right in front of the ex. "If she comes back she is yours forever, if she doesn't she never was".
Submitted by transcendent (user info) at 2004-06-05 11:52:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
WTF ? This post blew!
But at least it was 'close enough' in terms of effort and grammar, etc. So I'll spare it a -2..
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-06-05 11:45:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good post, shame about the title.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-06-05 07:06:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Will you try this on my cheating scumbag ex for me? Just so I can have the satisfaction of a firm "NO" when he comes grovelling?
Submitted by Pseudovillain (user info) at 2004-06-05 04:16:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lmfao.
" I'd recommend watching plenty of "FBI: COLD CASE FILES" on A&E. Also TLC has some good programming that teaches you how to get away with it."
Those cases are, or so I've found, years older than the super-duper cop technology around today. Still, you'd think that the fine folks at The Discovery Channel were mass-training criminals.
Submitted by simplychilled (user info) at 2004-06-05 03:11:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent scorned post Brad. I have to admit I looked at this originally only because outside the USA no one else uses expressions in everyday language like "punk-out" and "bitch-ass" and I was curious as to what it was about.
More than made up for a really bizarrely worded title though, especially as I thought I was the only person in the world with that much hate and rage towards others.
Loved the bit about "NOTE: For bonus points, send him the video of you fucking his cousin in the ass while she's bound and gagged. This will have the dual effect of pissing him off while at the same time reminding your cunt-sucking, bitch-monkey whore of an ex what a good time she had while in that position. "
Solid Gold....
I'd give you a +10 for this...
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-06-04 23:39:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What's funny is the fucker lives in Louisville!!!!
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2004-06-04 22:57:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"4. Threaten his ego.
Send him all the videotapes you made of his present girlfriend and you having sex while you were still together just to remind him how much better you are in bed than he is. NOTE: For bonus points, be sure and send him the one where you're fucking her in the ass while making exaggerated expressions at the camera."
If anyone ever did this to me, they would be saying hello to Mr. Louisville Slugger. If that doesn't work Ill shoot the fucker.
-BongZilla
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-06-04 22:49:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't know, I thought this was funny.
Submitted by RideJohnnyRide (user info) at 2004-06-04 22:04:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cooledit pro! Woo!
Submitted by geofroley (user info) at 2004-06-04 22:02:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I feel sorry for you, but this shit sucks. Get over it.
Submitted by Sicgrrl (user info) at 2004-06-04 21:55:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yea Kill thaty fucking fucker!
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-06-04 21:32:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
so-so
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-06-04 21:32:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Violence on people who deserve it is highly recommended.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-06-04 21:30:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
okay that one might work for the 'vengeful' folk about.
yawn