Neighbors from Hell and why I believe in God (876 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.5 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Disektor <random.address.com> (View user info) at 2004-06-06 01:38:03 EDT
I grew up in a small town in Kansas. I had a fairly normal childhood and life was going pretty well.
However, my normal life and childhood were all about to come to an end. The winter when I was 7 years old marked a new beginning for myself and forever affected my life. The house we moved into was great. It had a nice yard, and we had a few toads that lived in our basement.
Winter passed and on came spring. Then they came, people whom I affectionately refer to as the neighbors from hell. At first it wasn't so bad as we rarely saw or came into contact with them, but things got progressively worse. They had a chiuaua. This was no ordinary chiuaua; it looked like the kind of chiuaua that the Devil himself would have as a pet. Sharp fangs, horns, and scales where the fur should have been. At night it would sit outside barking, all night long, barking.
Weeks passed before lack of sleep finally drove me to the point on insanity. It had to be stopped, but how? How do you kill a poor innocent little puppy?
I waited until the lights went out and I made my move. Fashioning a stick I carved with my brothers pocketknife and with a murderous gleam in my eye I made my way towards the barking dog. It looked at me, ignoring me for being weak and incompetent. A mistake. It barked directly at me, I could make out what it was trying to say.. it called to me.. "come get me bitch, come get me." With the stick held behind my back I made my way into the yard.
In the night we danced. A dance of death. It leaped, I ducked. I stabbed, it side-stepped. For hours we fought under the moonlight, a silhouette of shadows. My muscles ached, weakness was overcoming me. It must have sensed my uneasiness for it made a leap straight for my throat. I made one last ditch effort to save myself, I hurled my stick straight for its open mouth. I heard a yelp, and a thud. There was no time to savor my victory over this beast, sunrise was coming.
I used what remaining strength I had to carry the corpse to my basement. I dragged myself to my bed and fell asleep. Hours later I awoke to a knock at the door. I opened it. There they were. All 16 of them.
A tinge of worry held their voices "Have you seen little satan around?!"
I stood in awe.. was it possible they were human?
"Listen you little fuck, have you seen it or not?"
What little guilt I had left me as I extended my middle finger and told them to fuck off.
This was the beginning of the war.
I wasn't finished with my project. I set up a fire pit in our front yard and roasted that dog. I sat on my front porch chewing on it. The horror-stricken looks on my neighbors' faces made me laugh. I invited them over to have a bite, but all I got in return was a slew of swear words. Oh well, more for me.
They struck next, putting the fear of God into our family by placing wet bread under my mom's car doorhandles. I kid you not fellow readers.. bread. Joke was on them, it was good bread.
I figured we were even, me killing their dog and them putting bread under the door handle, but they didn't feel the same way.
They started to ruin my shit. Next thing they did was trash our swingset. I used the broken pieces to make a large sign that I posted in front of their house. It read: "Attn Ghey Menz - call 542-5438 for a good time." A great idea I thought, until I found out that a few of their family members were actually gay, and liked the sign. I was pissed.
Their next plan was truly ingenious. It involved standing outside my window while talking really loud. I was eight, so I could pretty much pee on command. I opened the window and let out a jet stream of piss. It was a golden shower of happiness. I rained on those bitches parade.
Their next brilliant idea was to break bottles on our lawn and they bury the glass in the dirt so we'd fall on it and get hurt. Not that bad of an idea, however when you do it at about 6 at night when it's still light out and there happens to be a big window from our house that happened to look right at that spot.. well shit, maybe they ought to have decided to rethink their plan.
A few weeks passed with no attacks being made on either side. Then things got personal, real personal.
The mother of their household came over one afternoon and asked if she could have the puke green colored, broken-ass chair that we had sitting on the curb waiting for the guys to come and take it the dump. She said her dad had a bad back and would like the thing to sit on.
Being the nice, neighborly people that we were, we agreed.
The attacks had all but stopped and a new era of peace was going to reign between our families, or so I thought.
They had a garage sale. Out front, directly in line of our front door was the chair. They were trying to sell our chair in their garage sale.
It started to rain, a glorious rain. They all stood outside, looking at their ruined garage sale when a single bolt of lightning struck their house. The rain stopped, and their house burned.
I looked behind me and there in the clouds I saw God. He looked at me and smiled. He knows you don't fuck with peoples' chairs.
User Reviews
Submitted by marcydew (user info) at 2004-09-14 11:42:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious!
I think I've got the descendant of satan living in my neighbourhood...
Hope a bigger dog will get sick of him and eat him!
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-06-06 16:49:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
But the question is, can you still piss on demand?!
Submitted by Dufflady (user info) at 2004-06-06 16:47:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not sure what's funnier, the story or the fact people are taking it seriously.
Submitted by A-Rob (user info) at 2004-06-06 16:45:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It was written alright-
Interesting little 'tale' although I'm drawing my
own conclusion as to who the real nasty neighbour was.
Submitted by Jill (user info) at 2004-06-06 13:18:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Weirdo.
Submitted by juanito (user info) at 2004-06-06 12:53:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"Oh year, everything was fine till I decided to kill and eat their SMALL DOG, for no reason. And then the neighbors hated us....I WONDER WHY???"
I was a pretty damn troubled as a child, but I never killed small animals.
I hope you got therapy.
-100,000pts
Submitted by UlfGabe (user info) at 2004-06-06 12:22:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-138419 for the god hates gays symbolic references.
+1 for grammer and structure.
-494802 for having god in there to help you.
+3940 for eating the chiwawa
=to infinity and beyond.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-06-06 12:07:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny...
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-06-06 06:30:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought the ending was great.
Submitted by moneyshot (user info) at 2004-06-06 05:32:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this alot.
Submitted by Lady_in_the_radiator (user info) at 2004-06-06 02:27:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh heh heh ....
My old neighboors had a dog that sounds almost as bad. It wasn't a chuaia ( or however its spelled)
But it was fucking ugly. And annoying. It barked and taunted you should you dare to venture outside
during the day. Its name was Napolean... I never killed it, but I sincerly would have liked to. Insted we
threw rocks at it. Goddamn dog.
+4 for accomplishing what I never could.
Submitted by simplychilled (user info) at 2004-06-06 02:25:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-06 01:45:26 (#)
Ranking: 1
Started out well...
_________________________________________________________
but then it just stopped. Not ended, just stopped.
Submitted by helium_the_balloon (user info) at 2004-06-06 01:49:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What little guilt I had left me as I extended my middle finger and told them to fuck off." (-2)
Plain mean, this also means you are also a neighbour from hell, not your neighbours.
You get +3 for the entertainment value.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-06 01:45:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Started out well...