Squirrels are Satan (538 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.5 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by eXkal (View user info) at 2004-06-08 21:30:53 EDT
Now I live in a middle to upper class neighborhood, but my house is the lowest priced and most poorly built houses of all the rest. Now I'm not totally sure why the house is so underpriced. It looks nice, maintained as much as possible... it's just the house that seems to never let anything work. The plumming always gets clogged, the grass always looks like shit, and so forth. But I believe that the main problem is one of two thing; maybe both:
1)The confederate grave yard located behing my back yard
2)The squirrels
I really have no clue why the squirrels here are so psychotic. They look harmless, and really are only twice as big as a normal squirrel. They are about 1' 6" and have an 8" long tail. We know this because I had a buddy of mine catch one... with his hands... and he shaved it and we measured it. Then he ate it. Plus it's not that hard to scavage up one of their carcasses in the yard
I have only lived at this house for three years, and only in the past two years have I known the compacity of insanity of these demons... which is "N/A."
Now I do suspect the grave yard behind my property could be a problem, but I'm not telling ghost stories and I'm not fully sure.
One afternoon, I'm sipping some hot tea I had brewed and sitting out on my patio, when all of the sudden a squirrel leaps out of the tree on to my umbrella that is a cover for the patio table. Now let me tell you this tree was not directly over the deck, it's branched were a good 20 feet away from the deck. The beast lept, from a good 50 feet in the air, 20 feet out onto the unbrella and died. There weren't exactly any roofs or trees it was leaping to, it simply had a death wish.
Sometimes I am awoken in the middle of the night by them chittering at eachother from one side of the yard to the other.
Once ten of these bastards ran out of the cemetary into my yard, onto my deck, and then attacked my grill. Understanding they are really large and now realizing they are violent, they somehow pulled over the grill. While I was cleaning up the ashes on the porch from the knocked over grill, one of those damn beast stood at the very edge of the porch taunting me. Sitting there, that little bitch, chitting and twitching his fucking tail at me. I shooed at him and then he ran towards me and lept in the pile of ash I was cleaning up and then lept off. That fucker had just taunted me and then got ash all in my face.
When I first moved here my dog (a weenie doggie) named Franklin (yes, like the turtle) used to chase the squirrels in the yard. And when he did they all ran in fright as my dog, that is smaller than them, chased them up the trees or into the cemetary. But one day they had had enough. I was out mowing the lawn and my dog was out with me, just sleeping in the flowerbed I had planted last week, and I spotted two squirrels up in the only oak tree in my yard. They were twitching their tails, chittering at eachother, up to absolutely no good; and I knew it. Then suddenly they scurried out of the tree and ran and lept on top of my dog, then ran off. Those bastards had just committed a hit and run on my dog in front of my own eyes.
By this point in time I had had enough. They were chewing on the trees and my trash cans. They dug up my garden, twice. One got himself stuck inside one of the gutters and clogged it up, stunk it up, and I had to get him out. I couldn't even sit outside and read a book anymore, cause they would start fighting and kill one another... or they would just commit suicide.
My father had a great idea, to leave out seeds with pepper on them... it would drive them nuts. Yes, yes it did. It irritated their eyes, nose, and pretty much their whole face. So they ran around with their faces to the ground, and eventually just ran themselves into the house and died.
There really was no reason to shoot them, they kill themselves.
So, I had to try end the endless mass suicides and killings of these little havoc reeking cunts of nature somehow. So I got some inspiration from Lord of the Flies and took one of the dead squirrels and took its head and put it on a stick. Well when I got back from work that day I found about 25 of them, all of those little Satans crowded around my Lord of the Rodents. They chittered and twitched their tails. I noticed a few of the squirrels in the mass were dead. Well they all just sat there, chittering about one of their buddies... one they more than likely shoved out of a tree themselves. But NOOO!!! They had to bitch to me about it.
Figuring they wouldn't go anywhere, I went inside, got a 16 gauge shotgun, returned outside and shot them down. I had to of ruined about 20 of those little shits shit and the rest fled and never returned.
Since then, they antagonize my neighbors... those little fuckers.
User Reviews
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2004-06-10 21:59:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Moral of the story is... a big dick belonging to a faggot means he's got a big brown dick and he isn't a nigger."
"A man who has to swear to say something, doesn't have much to say at all."
'Nuff said, I'm through with your worthless no-talent ass. Don't expect a reply next time.
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2004-06-09 22:32:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
0 for 4 on 6/7 you worthless piece of shit. You should be fucking banned.
"Submitted by exkaleeburr (user info) at 2004-06-07 22:29:13 (#)
Ranking: -2
so what they have no intelligence?
you have no artistic skill.
what the hell is which the cow?"
So, you're telling me you value artistic skill equally with intelligence? It shows because your posts suck donkey dick. Go castrate yourself which a spoon.
With, dumbass.
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2004-06-09 16:34:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I object to you relating squirrls to Satan when they are merely minions.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-06-09 03:48:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Lady_in_the_radiator (user info) at 2004-06-08 23:48:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddamn squirrels....
I had a neighboor once, who would sit on his deck (in suburbia) with a pellet gun and shoot squirrels. Then just leave them there in other neighboors yards. Slightly disturbing.
Submitted by mikeeegeee (user info) at 2004-06-08 23:23:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Has everyone started including the word Satan in their posts since "Killing a Small Child with my Ass?" Sorry I've just been noticing a recent trend.
Submitted by moneyshot (user info) at 2004-06-08 23:06:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Interesting... reminds me of being back in Mississippi with my uncle and going squirrel hunting.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-06-08 22:23:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by nestorm4 <cool123> at 2004-06-08 22:09:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-08 22:09:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
For some reason when I see "Squirrel" I think of OLAS...
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-06-08 21:50:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Eh, it's kind of interesting. I can relate...