Tom Tries His Hand At Karaoke (4059 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Tom
Rating: 1.95 on 52 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2004-06-09 14:26:40 EDT
I'm sure this may come as a shock to many of you, but when I was in college, I was a bit of a fool. I didn't really give a fuck about what other people thought of me, and I suppose I still carry that attitude around with me today (albeit to a lesser extent). My roommates and I were of a like mind. We would make it a point to walk to the local coffee shop every morning in bathrobes and Scooby Doo slippers. We would tan out on the roof of our apartment in thongs and bowler hats. And we would go to karaoke night at a nearby bar on a regular basis to entertain ourselves when we were feeling a little stressed over exams, or classes, or girlfriends, or whatever.
Of course, it was an unwritten rule that we had to drink a bit of leftover Jungle Juice beforehand, and that particular night was no exception. After suitably priming ourselves and dressing in our best ASU t-shirts, hole-riddled khaki shorts and Tevos, we descended upon the bar with great relish.
Anyone who has ever been to karaoke night in a college town knows that the girls come out of the woodwork for that shit. I have no idea why, it is just the way it is. Some things are better left unexplained, I guess. But by the time we arrived, except for the bartender we were the only males in the place. Swear to God. And you're all clear on the purpose of a karaoke night? It's to laugh at other people. Don't believe all that hoo hah about going out and having fun and letting your hair down and blah blah blah. That's bullshit. It's to laugh at other people.
I had to wait for about 20 minutes while various girls got up there and butchered shit like "I Love Rock and Roll", "Wind Beneath My Wings", "You Dropped a Bomb on Me", and "Heart of Glass". Once my turn came up, I belted out a stunning rendition of Billy Joel's "It's Still Rock and Roll To Me". It was stunning in that the bar didn't clear out. Folks, I know I can't sing. Really. But the horrific grimaces in the crowd were enough to give me pause.
After another eternity of girls got their shit ruined trying to sing "Our Lips Are Sealed", "Come On Eileen", "Too Shy", and "Just What I Needed", Nick braved the crowd and screeched along to "Mr. Roboto". It cracked me up, what with Nick up on the stage, falling down drunk, trying to sing Domo Arigato when he could barely talk. I laughed at him, sure.
Once Nick finished, a lone girl got up and submitted an exceptionally mediocre interpretation of "Respect", and then Tom took the stage to try his hand at "All She Wants To Do Is Dance", by the immortal Don Henley. Now, I'd like to be able to say that Tom could sing. But that would be a lie. Tom could not sing. Let me just state that again for all of you reading out there. Tom could not sing. So you see the dilemma? Let me try to detail my thought process at the time:
1. Tom sings like a tortured marmoset.
2. Tom will try to sing a song in front of all these people.
3. These people came here to laugh at other people.
4. These GIRLS are going to laugh at him.
5. Tom will respond by Shrieking Like A Berserker, possibly assaulting one of these girls and/or vandalizing the establishment.
6. Goddamnit, I bet that'll be some funny shit!
The lyrics that came up on the karaoke monitor:
"They're pickin' up the prisoners and puttin' 'em in a pen, and all she wants to do is dance, dance"
Except what came out of Tom's mouth was:
"Mumma ne mumma unumma mumma me pen and ALL SHE WANTS TO DO IS DANCE!!!"
That last bit was screamed with such horrifying force and volume that the girls at the table nearest the stage visibly recoiled and frowned in a manner that left no uncertainty in anyone's mind regarding their opinion of the performance. Maybe you had to be there, but I thought I was going to fucking piss myself.
Monitor: "Rebels been rebels since I don't know when, and all she wants to do is dance."
Tom: "Memma ee memma an I no no when, and ALL SHE WANTS TO DO IS DANCE!!!"
The girls were looking quite frightened at that point, and a couple of them reached for their purses to make a speedy exit. Tom pointed right at them and continued his insane shouting:
Monitor: "Molotov cocktail- the local drink and all she wants to do is dance, dance."
Tom: "MALAMA CACA LOCO DINK!!! AN ALL SHE WANTS TO DO IS DANCE!!!"
Long story short, Tom utterly killed the mood in the room. When he finished slaughtering that song, the bar was like a fucking tomb. Occasionally you could hear a muted cough or a cricket chirping, but Goddamn if that place hadn't just been blanketed with the most unforgettably dreadful and awkward silence. Tom just stood there, proud and defiant. For the life of me I couldn't look at Tom, for fear that I would burst into uncontrollable hysterics.
And then some poor girl in the back muttered (reasonably quietly, I thought at the time): "That was horrible."
The proud look slipped away from Tom: "No, YOU'RE fucking horrible, YOU FUCKING SLEESTACK!!!"
The girl looked positively mortified that Tom's super-hearing picked up her little comment, and she swiftly ran out of the room, with Tom continuing to berate her the entire time. Unfortunately, the bartender decided to jump into the fray as well.
Bartender: "Get the fuck out of my bar, you psycho!"
Tom: "No, YOU'RE the psycho, YOU FUCKING PSYCHO!!!"
As the bartender made his way out from behind the bar, Tom decided it would be best to depart with his face still fully intact, and he kicked the karaoke player and dashed out of the place while shouting about the ACLU. The bartender pointed at me and Nick.
"You, too."
Nick: "Us? What the fuck did we do?"
Bartender: "You were with him. I saw you two revving him up."
*chirp chirp*
Nick: "Fine."
By the time we got back to the apartment, Tom was playing Nintendo Hockey in his underwear Like Nothing Ever Happened.
User Reviews
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-09-23 20:26:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I miss the Tom posts.
Someday, if you ever read this, maybe you'll make a new one.
It'll be like a Brady Bunch Reunion...of sorts.
Submitted by deedee (user info) at 2006-05-17 21:28:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
holy shit thats one creepy photo thingy
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-11-13 20:56:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Monitor: "Molotov cocktail- the local drink and all she wants to do is dance, dance."
Tom: "MALAMA CACA LOCO DINK!!! AN ALL SHE WANTS TO DO IS DANCE!!!"
************
hahaha!
Also if someone knows the link to that purple dancing ass-smacking hippo post that was up last week, I'll give the first person that post that link , on this post, a +2 on your lowest rated post. I must see him!
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-08-08 19:34:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay, that was hilarious. Especially the words on the monitor versus the words sung comparison.
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2005-07-04 01:51:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love karaoke and it is to laugh at people...
Submitted by Sambuca310 (user info) at 2004-07-26 16:38:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha - crazy Tom
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2004-07-08 03:31:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2004-06-23 08:54:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why is that alien so funny?
I really don't know
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-06-23 08:53:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah, sliver, you broke the streak, brother.
Submitted by sliver (user info) at 2004-06-23 08:48:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That Sleestack shit IS funny...
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-06-22 23:59:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-06-21 18:51:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hated that goddamned show.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-06-20 12:26:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Alternate spelling: Sleestak.
Holy shit, I just found this Sleestak page: http://www.montecook.com/monet_le_stuff.html
Damn, that's funny.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-06-20 12:25:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-06-20 12:14:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's a sleestack. From the TV show "Land of the Lost".
I got the image from http://members.aol.com/allartistries/Sub-Sleestack.html
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-06-20 09:56:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jimbo, what the fuck is that thing in the lower right?
Submitted by UlfGabe (user info) at 2004-06-19 12:20:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked
nice story line, especially the ending, nintendo rocks
Submitted by lush (user info) at 2004-06-19 12:05:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That guy looks anorexic.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-06-19 01:58:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"tortured marmoset."
Bart, I'll give you a dollar if you put this on B@W.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-06-18 14:23:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is hilarious.
I laughed so many times I can't even name them.
From "Shrieking Like A Berserker" to "No, you're fucking horrible," this post rocked.
+2 and this NEEDS to be on Bored at Work.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-06-16 09:50:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best post ever.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-06-10 20:22:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom is the man. Seriously.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-10 20:00:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want my, I want my, I want my Tom posts.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-06-10 01:37:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ow ow ow ow...... I laughed so hard it hurts.
"Mumma ne mumma unumma mumma me pen and ALL SHE WANTS TO DO IS DANCE!!!"
Gold. Pure gold.
Amen on the B@W.
Submitted by Fluffhead (user info) at 2004-06-09 22:47:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a better Tom than Tom, cause Tom fucking sucks.
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-06-09 22:43:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Incredible. Your earlier descriptions of Tom make all his stories all the more awesome and fun.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-06-09 22:37:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And here's #2.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-06-09 22:37:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit, this gets two +2s. I'm submitting this to B@W.
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-06-09 22:24:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this never gets old.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-06-09 21:49:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-06-09 16:16:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sleestack?!?! Christ what an excellent insult.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-06-09 15:54:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom rules.
Submitted by ugaly (user info) at 2004-06-09 15:48:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty good. The alien in the picture cracked me up, dont know why
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-06-09 15:33:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was fun.
Submitted by cwl989 (user info) at 2004-06-09 15:32:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was fucking hilarious.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-06-09 15:31:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, that was funny. If that is "Tom" in the picture, no wonder he gets his ass kicked. His arms are no thicker than my dick.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-06-09 15:25:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dammit I nearly wet myself. Funny, funny shit.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-06-09 15:19:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ask Tom out for me.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-06-09 15:03:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The term Sleestack comes from the early '70s TV show "Land of the Lost". They were a freaky fish-looking alien-type character in the show. Check out:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071005/
for more info.
I'm still laughing about this 1/2 hour later.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-06-09 15:01:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
Submitted by Fishtits at 2004-06-09 15:01:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have probably enjoyed the rest of the post had it not been for the mental picture of thongs and bowler hats. Two points for making me feel better about my bizzare friends.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-09 14:59:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is that Tom?
I like how you made the effort to capitalize the "G" in goddamn.
Given all the Tom hate posts as of late, I wonder how many noobs will confuse this Tom with ubertom?
Tom the wanker.
Tom vs the drunk girl!
You should do a theoretical post called Tom vs UberTom
Submitted by Alfa_Veloce (user info) at 2004-06-09 14:56:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good story..have a biscuit
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2004-06-09 14:56:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awwwwwwwwwwwww. I wanted to read about Tom getting his shit ruined again. Nothing is more entertaining than reading about that guy getting his ass beat.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-06-09 14:47:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is Tom an alien ?
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-06-09 14:47:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah... nothing like a Tom post to wake you up in the morning.
Submitted by CleverName (user info) at 2004-06-09 14:46:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just blew an o-ring due to prolonged violent laughter.
If you fucks are ever in Minneapolis, let me know.
I gotta go get stitched up.
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2004-06-09 14:45:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love this shit. Tom's a fucking idiot. great , geat shit. Keep em coming.
-BongZilla
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-06-09 14:44:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-06-09 14:43:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-06-09 14:37:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it is the high point of my week when i get
to read a tom post.
sad but true
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-06-09 14:37:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, why is there an alien in that picture?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-06-09 14:34:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SLEESTACK!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAAAA!!!!
Who the...
HAHAAHAHASHAHAHAHH!!!
Land of the Lost!!!!!
hHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!111
Bookmarked!
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-06-09 14:31:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehehehehehehe