Meet Matchstick Mary (NSFW, in a SFW kind of way) (1275 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.7 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Avals (View user info) at 2004-06-09 14:47:30 EDT
We all know that "thin is in", so to speak. Every model and celebrity these days has to be extra thin; magazines wouldn't have it any other way.
And you know what? That's cool with me; I like a hot thin girl as much as the next guy. But some girls need to wake up and smell the roses.
An interesting side effect of all these pictures of thin models is that people automatically equate thin to sexy. I have news for you: a girl that can cut me in half with her protruding ribcage isn't sexy, that shit is just plain scary.
Seriously, some of the girls who think they're ultra-hot because they're thin look terrifying. I'm not exaggerating either - some of the supposedly sexy girls I've had the misfortune of meeting look like aliens in disguise trying to study our behavioural patterns.
A friend of mine once pointed his finger and told me "hey! She's hot."
I turned around and was greeted by what appeared to be (since I wasn't wearing my glasses at the time) a matchstick wearing a thong. Shit, I didn't know these things were so big these days. Seriously, I just need them to light my cigarettes, not to fucking burn Rome with.
Let me stop here to go off on a little tangent:
What the fuck is it with that fashion of low-cut jeans showing your underwear? Seriously, I love girls wearing revealing outfits as much as the next sex-crazed maniac, but what the fuck is the point of buying jeans if you're gonna wear them around your ankles anyway? Just save us the trouble and lose the pants completely. Seriously, it would look much less stupid. If you've got an extra fifty bucks to spend on a fucking pair of jeans you're not even going to utilize properly, give them to me instead, I'll make much better use of that money.
Right, so as I was saying: this friend of mine says to me "I'm gonna go talk to her. What do you think I should say?"
What about "hey baby, wanna beam me up to the mothership and show me your anal probe?"
So he goes to talk to her, and I swear to god she takes out one of these little notebooks and starts scribbling fucking notes!
"Disguise appears to be working. Male specimen is initiating interaction. Retrieving to mothership for examination."
Christ! Forget fucking laser-shooting giant starships; our world is being overrun by thong wielding Calista Flockharts.
Seriously people, give it up. A girl that looks like the next gust of wind is going to snap her spine in half is not hot. No one's going to date you like that, you're just too high-maintenance; do you have any idea what an operation to fix your spine would cost?
Fuck dating you, no one's even going to come near you when accidentally touching you means ten new stitches for that cut your ribs just made in my arm. Fucking ow!
User Reviews
Submitted by mugshit <tpmoatie.at.aol.com> at 2004-06-09 21:29:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Christ! Forget fucking laser-shooting giant starships; our world is being overrun by thong wielding Calista Flockharts.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Skinny girls do suck. I've always heard guys saying how they wanna fuck a skinny little girl, well, from experience, it's not that great. She was 88 pounds. I don't think I was being particularly violent, but she kept sliding all around my bed so gradually that I didn't notice till I looked down and saw her head cocked sideways cause I was squishing her into the wall. I had to keep stopping and grabbing her little ass and resituating her. Ruins the rythm...
Submitted by DoctorMonoculous (user info) at 2004-06-09 19:09:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-06-09 18:03:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-06-09 16:03:52 (#)
Ranking: 0
I believe I'm "normal." But most consider me thin. I guess if you compare me to the majority of people in my area, I am a skin-coated skeleton....
I once remember saying my thigh is 24 inches around. You replied with "That's as big as my waist". You are truly thin Loren. Attractive, but thin.
Submitted by traxzilla (user info) at 2004-06-09 16:59:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Heh.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-06-09 16:53:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Heh... Guilty as charged. I'll try to avoid it next time.
Though I have to admit I never watched MadTV.
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2004-06-09 16:42:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This reminded me of the MadTV skits "Literally" except with you it was "Seriously." Stop. That's annoying.
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-06-09 16:18:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Loren not to feed your swollen ego, but you are goodlooking. And you have the right shape.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-06-09 16:03:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I believe I'm "normal." But most consider me thin. I guess if you compare me to the majority of people in my area, I am a skin-coated skeleton....
Eh... it's time for me to go home to binge and purge.
What?
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-06-09 15:53:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Beh... It looks like absolutely no one found this even remotely funny. Pity... It wasn't meant as social commentary.
Stin, I'm surprised you didn't recognise this. The idea for this came from my comment on your "Women's Appearance in Society" post. :)
And Loren1, I was thinking about making a piece about *ahem* largish girls next, so you may just get something which floats your boat yet... ;)
Now, you said you're skinny eh? A/S/L plzkthx
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-06-09 15:46:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'd stlll rather be too skinny than too fat. (I'm not saying I am, vultures).
I can only imagine how uncomfortable it must be to be overweight.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-06-09 15:32:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Up with guys who like normal women! Some of us even have half a brain and a sense of humour, and since we have to work harder to get men into the sack in the first place, we're pretty good when you get us there.
I seem to have sex on the brain today, sorry.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-06-09 15:14:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Problem" looking at women? What the crap are you talking about?
a) This is talking only about frighteningly thin women.
b) It's just humour, lighten up will you?
And for the record, I rather like women. The non-bitchy kind, at least.
Submitted by Slapshot99 (user info) at 2004-06-09 15:04:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You seem to have a "Problem" looking at women?........care to clarify?.It's ok, you're among friends.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-06-09 14:58:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
True dat. I am a skinny guy and used to like the very thin, petite girls. Now it's all fat heffers from here.
Why don'tcha comear and let daddy rub dose cankles fer ya?
Submitted by Fishtits <scottblack4.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-06-09 14:52:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The worse part is that most of the girls I know are like that. Nothing says "I love you" like anorexia. For the love of God, go to the gym, but eat something. You look like a clothes hanger.