Serial Killers, Shamoo the Wonder Whale, and the FBI in a guest appearance (1955 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.6 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Avals (View user info) at 2004-06-10 03:03:24 EDT
You might ask yourself "why does this man insist on destroying his rating average with these posts?" And I might answer "I have no fucking idea."
Hopefully though, you'll read this and find it at least mildly amusing.
So without further ado, and with no proper transitional sentence whatsoever, I present to you: "Avals' Ratings Black Hole #2."
What is it with the whole "accept yourself for who you are" movement these days?
People, accept yourself for who you are IS NOT an excuse for you to sit on your ass all day because "that's the way" you are.
I was watching this talk show once (what? What!?) and they had this fat lady on explaining why she wasn't going to lose any weight in the next millennia. To be fair, describing her as 'fat' is an injustice to fat people everywhere. This lady was HUGE, absolutely gi-freakin'-gantic; throughout the show I kept wondering how the fuck they managed to push that thing into the studio in the first place.
So anyway, this lady starts up with her "I am who I am, so just accept me for it" bullshit. Hey lardface, I've got news for you: you're not "naturally-large" or "big-boned"; you're a fucking beached whale. Where are these fucking rescue crews when you need them? Come here and push this thing back into the ocean where it belongs!
"You men should just accept me for who I am and love my inner self."
You know, I would, but I think you ate her. Either that, or your inner self asphyxiated between these two flabs of fat you seem to enjoy calling your stomach.
Seriously, I have nothing against women who aren't super-model thin; I rather like them actually. But there's a limit between "well-fed" and "Look, it's Shamoo the Wonder Whale!" Drop the fucking fries and move your fat ass farther than from the sofa to the fridge for a change.
While I've got your attention, I want to suggest something; I think UberSite should be put on the FBI watch list. When I read posts like Bigmike's 'Diary of a Madman' I can practically see him sitting in front of his computer in the dark, typing with one hand while fondling his latest victim's spleen with the other.
Just kidding Bigmike; I love Diary of a Madman, and I don't care if you get the inspiration for it by cutting someone's eyelids off with a chainsaw.
User Reviews
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-07-30 05:22:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Died? But how!? He's supposed to be a wonder whale. Not much of a wonder if he's dead, is he?
Eating his victim's hair!? I'm pretty sure that's bad for you. Big disgusting balls of hair build up inside you you know. Next thing you know, a doctor is looking at you crooked, holding a slimy ball of hair he just removed from your filthy belly. Ewwwwwww...
But I disgress...
So Val... Wanna show me your boobies? Teehee, boobies... God I love that word. I also love the name Dick McCock. That's what I want you to call me from now on. Mr. McCock. Or Dick, to you.
Am I making any sense at all here?
Oh never mind... Where's my Vodka?
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-07-29 12:33:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shamu DIED. I just read about it like a week ago, but I think my Time magazine was really old.
...did that make sense?
+2 for "...I can practically see him sitting in front of his computer in the dark, typing with one hand while fondling his latest victim's spleen with the other."
Because I myself can see him typing with one hand, and eating his victim's hair with the other.
Write more please.
Submitted by Big Al at 2004-07-20 00:57:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny or sick, I'm still not sure. But good work nonetheless!
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-07-04 11:21:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow, Falco, the man with the IQ of 147, giving me lame retaliatory reviews because he can't argue his point like a real man and thinks this will make me stop calling him the idiot that he is; yeah, that's a surprise!
Submitted by RideJohnnyRide (user info) at 2004-07-04 11:15:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-07-04 11:01:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
shit
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-06-10 18:00:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
They're not my victims, they're his. I just write it.
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2004-06-10 12:17:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Agreed, people 'accepting who they are' are idiots. Then again self improvement is masturbation.
+1 for the tmesis