Anal Tangerines (1119 hits)
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Submitted by conrad <ball0395.at.rogers.com> (View user info) at 2004-06-10 16:03:28 EDT
Another little tale of university debauchery that should bring solace to all those who've had their eyebrows shaved off or been humiliated in some similar prank, and that should hopefully amuse those who haven't.
It was the victim of my vengeance, Danny, who inadvertently set in motion the events that I shall now describe: a month or two prior to this, I had passed out one sunny afternoon in the pub garden. It was customary amongst our group to play pranks on the unconscious, which would usually take the form of some sort of facial defacement with a magic marker - the victim would eventually awake, and we would walk back to our halls through town, the victim generally becoming aware of his absurd appearance through the muffled laughter of passing shoppers, who often, it appeared, found such things as "N-Sync" and a big red heart emblazoned on someone's forehead as funny as we did. Ah, the wit and folly of youth!
Anyway, to return to the point: a month or two earlier, we had spent a happy summer afternoon at the pub getting wasted on beer and Diconal, a somnolent cocktail if ever there was one. Come 4pm, and I was utterly out of it; so out of it, in fact, that I'd spent an hour holding my eyes open between thumb and forefinger before finally collapsing, my head on the table. There was mischief in the air, and wary though I was of the others on that afternoon, I couldn't help but succumb. Blearily awaking a few hours later, the first thing that my eye alighted upon was an ashtray full of shaving foam, bristling with hairs too long to be facial; the second thing that I noticed was a cool sensation around my legs. Then the horrible truth dawned as I raised my head from the table to be met with giggles from the others, though fortunately I was still so out of it on Diconal that the full horror of it all would afflict me only in hindsight - I was missing one eyebrow, my trousers and one shoe and sock. The thing that pissed me off most was that the bastards had actually gone to the chemist to gather the necessary materials to shave me, proving malice and aforethought; no, Danny had upped the ante beyond all that was acceptable, and revenge was going to be sweet.
Usually this would have called for a taxi back to halls, but my wallet had gone with the trousers, and Danny and the rest were long gone; there was nothing for it but to walk, something I wouldn't have been able to countenance had I still not been in an otherworldy state. So, I summoned my courage, persuaded the sympathetic bartender to spot me a few shots of tequila for luck, and set off through town, largely oblivious to the beeps and guffaws of passing motorists, and the squeals of delight from schoolchildren before their mothers shielded their eyes from the staggering, swaying, half-naked man with but one eyebrow and a murderous expression on his face.
An opportunity to balance the books was to present itself a couple of months later, as Danny, a couple of medical students and I were coming off a three day coke run round at one of the prospective doctor's houses. It had been obvious that Danny had been on the point of crashing for hours, but he eyed me with the caution that came from the certain knowledge that evil was to befall him when he did. Booze undid him though; we sat there in the uneasy silence that results from a coke comedown 'til sunup at 7am, all the while me eyeing him with a glare of cold contemplation, at which point I went to the off-licence to purchase the cold beers that would see us into deep and enduring sleep. This was his last chance to gather his paranoid thoughts and go home, but I knew that he would be unable to resist the inescapable lure of cold beer at dawn, and upon my return we pounded a couple of six-packs each, and watched Danny lapse into unconsciousness, augmented by a couple of Ativan that I'd slipped into one of his drinks.
"Right," I said to John and Rupert, the doctors manqué, "what shall we do to him?"
Off came his T-shirt with surgical scissors, and we three went to work with markers 'til he was pretty much covered in lewd hieroglyphs; never had a body borne so many cocks of various sizes and colours, and eventually we ran out of space.
"What now?" I said; the problem with Danny was that he had a shaved head, rendering a avant-garde haircut impossible, and I had found that the traditional graffiti had left me curiously unsatisfied. No, something far more heinous was indicated. As if unconsciously presenting us with the solution, Danny, as we sat there in silent contemplation, minds warped by a long chemical run, rolled over and partially slid off the chair, presenting us with his buttocks.
"I know," said Rupert, barely suppressing a gleeful giggle; "let's stick things up his ass!"
"Splendid", said I "though we need to consider the mechanics of the matter carefully. Whilst I don't mind the idea in ethos, I'm certainly not pushing things up Danny's ass with my fingers; presumably you guys, being doctors, don't mind that sort of thing?"
"Oh, we do," said John, "when it comes to acquaintances. Besides which, just because we will one day be paid to do this sort of thing, doesn't mean we actually like it: I'm fairly sure, in any case, that neither Rupert nor I will be going anywhere near proctology as a career - slaving all day over hot anuses hardly appeals. This is your vengeance Conrad, and you're going to have to get your hands dirty."
I pondered for a moment whilst looking round the room, and finally saw the manner of thing I'd been looking for; by the fireplace was a poker.
"Right John, you get his trousers and underwear off. Rupert, you'll have to hold his buttocks apart and hold the offending objects at the entrance, and I'll ram them home with the poker. John, you must tape this on the video camera for posterity. How does that sound?"
"Sounds fine to me," said Rupert, snapping on a pair of latex gloves with an evil grin.
The first things to get rammed into Danny's sphincter were a few bottle caps and a table-tennis ball that were lying around by his feet; we all cackled insanely as Rupert held the article over the entrance to the orifice, and I plunged the probe home with a flourish. Having run out of bottle caps, I looked round to see what else would end up inside Danny's ass; on the table was a bowl of walnuts, which would be ideal. Seven later, and the walnuts had all walked the path less travelled, accommodated with impressive ease; something larger would be needed, and on the table beside the nuts was a bag containing tangerines.
"Let's do those!" I said, merrily shaking them out onto the floor, but the tangerines were to prove easier said than done. The first ended up speared on the poker, the fruit perhaps being a bit too big to be accommodated, sans lube, in the heterosexual anus.
"We need lubricant," said I. "Have you any Vaseline or KY?"
"No," said John, "but I'll see if there's any butter in the kitchen."
He returned a moment later with a gloved hand covered in white goo.
"Will lard do?" said John.
"Lard will be superb," I said, as John set to work lubing the tangerines. The first slotted home without too much trouble, and eventually four would join it; it was then that Danny started flinching and groaning despite his unconsciousness state, and the final tangerine kept trying to emerge, perhaps showing more spunk than its fellows - it wanted to live.
"We need something to hold it all in place," I said, grabbing an ornamental ivory rhinocerous from the mantelpiece. "The hooked shape of this thing's head should hold everything fast - the horn will lodge in his prostate."
"My mother gave me that," said Rupert, "it's from China."
"Well now it's going back there" I said, lubricating the thing's head with extra lard and inserting it with some effort. "There; our work here is done - let us rest."
And so, we rested, suffused with pride at a job well done, laughing occasionally at Danny, his ass in the air, the torso of an ivory rhinocerous bearing testament to our doings. A couple of hours later the doorbell rang; it was my then girlfriend, and a couple of her female acquaintances;
"Come in," said Rupert, "Danny's here."
It may have been their raucous laughter, or it may have been the bloatedness resulting from all that anal plundering, but at that moment Danny awoke - still with evidently no idea where he was or what he was doing - stood up, and said "Good morning" to Hillary and the girls. He presented an alarming picture, naked from the waist down, genitals shrivelled through days and nights of class-A drugs, a rhinocerous protruding from his ass, but remained blissfully oblivious to all this 'til he winced, doubled over, and with a great "Thunk!" the rhinocerous fell to the floor. He looked down to see his nakedness, and looked over the faces of the girls as a great fart shattered the pregnant silence. "Thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk!" The tangerines made their exit, sticking sadly to the floor in a white lard overcoat; Danny winced through pain and embarrassment, but couldn't make it out of the room before the walnuts shot forth with a "Rat-a-tat!" The table tennis ball and bottle caps were to remain in situ, at least as far as we knew, as it was at this moment that Danny finally composed himself sufficiently to bolt from the room, genitals cupped in one hand, the other covering his newly-breached back passage; moments later we heard the front door slam, and saw through the curtains Danny running down the garden in a pair of Rupert's trousers, bare feet pounding as fast as they would carry him. It was quite some time before he would show his face around the halls again - needless to say, the video was pretty much required viewing for the inhabitants of the college that year.
User Reviews
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-06-24 09:03:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
remarkable
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2004-06-22 22:50:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Splendid
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-06-22 22:32:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh god, I want to finish this, but I just CAN'T. I had to stop once you brought up the poker.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-06-11 05:58:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-10 23:21:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would like to say something funny here, but.. uh. Yeah. I'm currently not word-enabled. The disturbing-ness (it is SO a word) of this was ground-breaking.
You're one of my favorites.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-06-10 21:04:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-06-10 19:15:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for the comments people; this is true, incidentally, though embellished for literary purposes. Why, don't you spend your time shoving fruit up your friend's arses?
Submitted by iamhewhoisnot (user info) at 2004-06-10 17:11:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
im typeless
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-06-10 16:54:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Dear God. And, I don't believe in God. That was just violent.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-06-10 16:50:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I second the shinaninigans call, but it was a funny story.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-06-10 16:31:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I declare shenannigans. It was still funny, though.
Submitted by geofroley (user info) at 2004-06-10 16:28:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-06-10 16:27:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You would be fucking dead if you did this to me. More power to you though. Pretty funny, man.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-10 16:25:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i knew if "anal" was in the title shitfuck would be here
good post
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-10 16:22:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
+0 It was okay
-1 Too long.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-06-10 16:17:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it!
But in the future be sure to include more 'vagina' comments and racial slurs!
Or don't. Have you seen my dog?
BongZilla where are you boy?
Submitted by Handjob (user info) at 2004-06-10 16:16:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
excrement!
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2004-06-10 16:09:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I almost fell asleep wading through the leadup.