Herpes Averted (914 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.16 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by CleverName<davidcasebolt.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-06-11 15:51:56 EDT
This is the true story of a great party and That Girl, or more accurately, THE That Girl.
On a beautiful evening in the Spring of 1998, I found myself driving south, away from my
hometown of Minneapolis, MN, USA, on my way to a party in Wisconsin. A sense of foreboding
washed over me, and at the time I chalked it up to anxiety, for I was not well-known to the partygoers that awaited me. I'd been invited by a mutual college friend of the host, my now-friend Gore, whom I had met but once before. I soon found out, however, that this feeling was not
nerves, but rather a message from God instructing me to watch my ass.
As I wound my way up a bluff overlooking the Mississippi River in SW Wisconsin, I took in my surroundings and determined that this party was probably going to kick a lot of ass. Gore's parents were on vacation in Sydney, AUS, and the gathering had been planned well in advance, so heavy attendance was expected. Near the top of the bluff, I realized that I had not passed any buildings or outlet roads. The first element of a good party was in evidence: seclusion.
One final turn, and I saw the second ingredient for a good party: fire. A bonfire. A bonfire
and a keg. In the background I saw a rather large two-story house with a large deck extending off of the upper level. Below the deck was a large trampoline. Thus, a third condition of party excellence: inherent danger. The house was positively swarming with 18-24 year-olds. I pulled
off the path and exited my car, and after being greeted warmly by the half-dozen kids at the bonfire, walked toward the rear of the house. I climbed the stairs leading up to the deck. I reached the top just in time to see a young man I now know as my good friend and neighbor Rob
stagger drunkenly backwards and fall into a wooden deckchair, decimating it. I liked him immediately. As I introduced myself to my fellow guests, someone handed me a bottle of Root 100.
I took a pull. It begins.
There was a Weber well-stocked with hotdogs, brats, and myriad other meats. Next to the grill
were two guys sticking dogs onto large fireworks and giggling like 4 year-olds on meth. I scanned the faces of the guests and quickly ascertained that everyone here was shitfaced or making good
headway. Then I checked my watch: it wasn't yet 9pm. I walked inside to try to find Gore or someone else I knew who was supposed to be there. I found vodka.
Two hours and 1/3 liter of Stoli later, I found myself behind the downstairs bar, drunkenly, sluttily making out with a girl other than my girlfriend when there was a VERY loud boom outside.
We shared a wide-eyed look with which we conveyed the following: A): What the fuck are we doing,
and B): What the fuck was that?! Christine (her then-BF is Gore's best friend, still know both of 'em, still laugh about all this) rolled off of me, we straightened our clothes, got up from behind the bar, and walked out into the backyard to get an answer to our joint question: WTF?!?!
BOOM!!!
I knew immediately.
It was a Thunder King.
Awesome.
For those who don't know, Thunder Kings are at the top of the firecracker food chain.
They're now illegal. Anyone seen the recent story and pics of that whale in Taiwan? The one that exploded due to pent-up gas while being towed through a city? I bet that sounded like a Thunder King.
Christine and I then heard a much quieter thumpthumpthumpthump and looked to our right to see
Rob flailing helplessly, tumbling down the deck stairs. He too was curious about the large
boom. He writhed as we roared with laughter. The evening was going splendidly (aside from my borderline-infidelity), and I wondered, what next?
The 19-Shot Cat Annihilator, that's what. A wonderful explosive firework. We were fresh
outta cats, but I have no reason to doubt the implied claim. What followed was a solid 10minute
fuillsade of bitchin' fireworks action. The sky was ablaze, and it rained detonated meat.
When it was all over, the assembled mass roared with drunken approval and continued their
collective mission inside and/or on the deck. Christine and I made eye contact across the bonfire
and without words agreed to bury deep what had happened earlier, so now I was free to jump on the
trampoline. I'm no gymnast, but like Tigger, I love to bounce, so I ate that up for a while,
but soon I needed more to drink. I headed up the deck stairs and inside, where I found revelry
and booze. And Gore.
"What's up, Dave (I'm Dave)?"
"Sweet party! I was just on the tramp, but I need another drink!"
"Oh, dude! Go off the deck onto the tramp"
"Ok."
"YES!!! Dave's goin' off the deck!!!"
So, with a crowd gathered behind me, I launched myself off the deck railing, straight up in the
air. I hit the thing ass n' legs and flew Lord-knows-how-far (20ft?) to the base of the woods. Returning to howls of laughter, I held my ass in pain. Rob puked off of the deck.
Then it happened.
The crowd went silent.
Confused, I asked Gore, "What the hell?"
(In a hushed voice:) "Mitchell."
That Girl.
Jamie Mitchell. That's her real name. Slander isn't slander if it's true.
She was already drunk from somewhere else, but now she was here. I'd heard stories, so
I tried to double back on her. I went inside, downstairs, and out the door headed to my car
to grab a cigar. Somehow her skanksense had alerted her to my movement and she quickly had me
pinned down against my car. She smelled like cat piss. I blew cigar smoke in her face, fairly
screamed, "I have a girlfriend!!!" and ran away back to the house, recounting my tale for everyone.
By this time, some people had left, and those left were fading fast, so we retired inside, downstairs.
We played drinking games for a while and soon I went upstairs to pee, big time, when I saw a
horrifying sight- Jamie Mitchell inside Rob's bedroll, molesting him. He was half passed out, his
mouth caked in not-yet-dry vomit, and she was trying to rape him, he was resisting, but futily.
This would not stand.
Instantly I was on her, screaming at her and dragging her from behind by her armpits out onto the deck. I gave her a shove, slammed the sliding door shut, and locked it. Very long story
short (workday's done and this is dragging), it was later disclosed that Mitchell carries the
Herpes virus. Likely many strains.
Much time has passed since that night, but I have not and will not forget my, Rob's, and every
other guy at that party's brush with Simplex.
Fin
User Reviews
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2004-06-18 10:41:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it. Way to save your buddy from a skank!
One of my friends was dumped by her boyfriend when his ex came back to town (oddly enough the ex was also named Jamie). My friends ex & his new/old/used girl ended up living togther until one day he came home to find her in bed with his sister.
How's that for eeeeew factor?
Submitted by CleverName (user info) at 2004-06-16 15:28:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks, Sucks.
Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-06-14 15:19:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your +2s are ineffectual, so here's one I made earlier.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-06-13 02:42:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've seen much...much...MUCH worse first posts...take mine for instance.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-06-13 02:35:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2004-06-13 02:27:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
I just got laid so you know what, I'm in a good mood.
Plus fucking 2.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-06-13 02:15:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh no! I've been Averted.
Submitted by CleverName (user info) at 2004-06-12 15:11:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sucks, that was a shot at the entire site, not you. I must now +2 myself to defend my honor and negate your malicious -2ing.
Submitted by UlfGabe (user info) at 2004-06-12 15:01:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
good.
Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-06-12 14:58:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Uh, I didn't like this. I am entitled to my minus two. Go to all my posts and minus 2 them if you're that insecure about yourself.
Submitted by CleverName (user info) at 2004-06-12 14:47:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sucks, you dick. I'm new to the site, and this was my first post. Does the Ubercode state that I must now goto all your posts and -2 them all? Let me know.
Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-06-12 14:37:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by texgirl (user info) at 2004-06-11 19:35:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I know a few Mitchell's
You did the right thing saving your friend like that
Submitted by CleverName (user info) at 2004-06-11 16:48:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A little more background on the ho: Mitchell is one of those girls that you see at the party that
should scare you, and the reason is this: she has a decent body, dresses well, and from a distance,
doesn't look bad. Until she gets closer. Or until she begins speaking. She's scary because if sober or simply drunk, you know better. But if you're Top Ten, alcohol-poisoning-drunk, you just never know. That's always a dangerous girl at any gathering.
Submitted by metal10000 <metal10000.at.excite.com> at 2004-06-11 16:12:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Dude I'm telling you, your friend she be letting you moleste him for doing that for him. I had something similar happen to me. I was so drunk all I could do was roll off the bed, she came down after me and I rolled under the bed out of her grasp. Woke up the a few hours later and she had another guy in the bed with her, slut.
Submitted by Fishtits at 2004-06-11 15:58:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You are truly a good friend, man and human being.