The Chronicles of Tshia (1070 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -1.25 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by tshia (View user info) at 2004-06-12 01:42:10 EDT
"Theater three, second to your right"
So began my odyssey to the movies in what would become as horrible and fascinating a journey as any undergone by man. Well, maybe not fascinating... But certainly horrible, you see on this particular venture I was going to see "The Chronicles of Riddick" starring Vin Diesel.
Five minutes early I threw open the twin doors emblazoned with a number three and stepped into the darkness. As I waded through the mushy swamp of chewed gun, old popcorn, discarded candy, and spilled soda small tumbleweed rolled past me. I looked around the room, it was nearly abandoned, much to my confusion, why isn't there a crowd for this new Vin Diesel movie?
I found an excellent seat, the middle of the row in the middle of the theater only two girls in front and to the right side of me. Soda and popcorn in arms I was quite prepared for an excellent show, as I settled into my seats and glanced at my watch a new comer entered, a large black man and a woman clinging to his arm.
Now let me explain, I'm 18 years old, I live with my parents who happen to be quite well off financially, as such we live in a very nice neighborhood. While growing up the number of people who I have met who aren't white has been very few. At the high school I just graduated from there was exactly one black student and so while I don't consider myself a racist I very likely am. Since I derive all social knowledge from television and movies (because I'm not very smart) I felt very sure that this recently arrived African American individual and his date would soon either shoot me or offer to sell me drugs. Naturally they chose to sit immediately beside me, not even a one-space buffer zone. There were five people in the theater and they chose to sit right beside me.
I stood up meaning to go to the restroom and, upon my return choose another distant seat when the movie started, I couldn't miss the beginning these kinds of movies are legendary for their intricate plots. I quickly stumbled into a different seat, the black man glanced over at me and I very nearly surrendered my wallet. Luckily he was also distracted by the introduction.
The movie begins so realistically I at first thought it was a documentary. The main character Riddick is on the run, on foot, from some spaceship mounted bounty hunters. Luckily Riddick posses running abilities on par with the average human and easily outruns the space ship. From here Riddick will venture to a single distant world where he needs to kills some people, for some reason, who are bad.
What follows exonerates the tactical genius of the enemies in the cartoon show the "ninja turtles". Whenever Riddick needs to fight someone they abandon their high tech space guns in favor some kind of axe or bladed weapon. Enemies attack in a slow moving single file line and the evil high commanders are always willing to accept a challenge to an honorable duel.
Through his dull cliché battle through hordes of enemies bent on destroying the universe Riddick somehow picks up a floozy who helps him defeat the ultimate evil zombie general. I was planning on reviewing the entire movie but this is just too soon after the terrible experience. In my own humble opinion the movie "The Chronicles of Riddick" should replace lethal injection as the method of capital punishment.
User Reviews
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-06-16 07:13:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you couldn't figure out this movie was bad without watching it? IT HAD VIN DIESEL AS THE MAIN CHARACTER, FOR CHRIST SAKE. it's morons like you that pay money to see shit like this and fuel the crap machine that is Hollywood.
Submitted by Snuggles_The_Assassin (user info) at 2004-06-13 18:53:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
The Chroincles of crap.
Submitted by Nator (user info) at 2004-06-13 07:57:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Try writing something coherent and/or funny next time.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-06-13 07:38:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-12 16:40:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-06-12 13:37:41 (#)
Ranking: 0
Now let me explain, I'm 18 years old, I live with my parents who happen to be quite well off financially, as such we live in a very nice neighborhood. I also like to slip shampoo bottles into my anus as I urinate into my father's mouth and he tapes it to show all his friends at the country club--I love you Dad!
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You fucking MTV watching, Brittney Spears wanna be. You're a real fucking talent here shitia, really great writing, I'm really fucking impressed.
On a sidenote, die a horrible burning death at the hands of a black gang of rapists.
On another sidenote, how does it feel to know your entire life is a joke? Ever accomplish anything for yourself? Obviously not, and I don't suspect you ever will.
Have getting raped and killed. No tears over here, bitch.
---
Classic Shitfuck. I love it!
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-06-12 16:29:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Ok, yeah, sorry but I gotta say, this wasn't funny, it wasn't informative, and it wasn't interesting. That's three strikes in my book.
Also, I grow tired of your bitchy little retorts to everyone who gives you a negative rating. Isn't it possible that Method's -2 was based on nothing other than the fact that he thought this post was crap? You seem to refuse to accept the possiblity that some people just don't like your writing, and instead need to make excuses like "that's because I gave you a negative rating" or I have also seen you imply that it was because the person was too stupid to understand.
Sometimes negative ratings mean nothing more than the rater thought your post sucked. Take it with a grain of salt, and do better next time.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-06-12 13:37:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Now let me explain, I'm 18 years old, I live with my parents who happen to be quite well off financially, as such we live in a very nice neighborhood. I also like to slip shampoo bottles into my anus as I urinate into my father's mouth and he tapes it to show all his friends at the country club--I love you Dad!
____________________________________________________________________________________________
You fucking MTV watching, Brittney Spears wanna be. You're a real fucking talent here shitia, really great writing, I'm really fucking impressed.
On a sidenote, die a horrible burning death at the hands of a black gang of rapists.
On another sidenote, how does it feel to know your entire life is a joke? Ever accomplish anything for yourself? Obviously not, and I don't suspect you ever will.
Have getting raped and killed. No tears over here, bitch.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-12 12:51:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by tshia (user info) at 2004-06-12 01:55:58 (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow Method what a coincidence, the only thing I have written that you reviewed was my last post, in which I insulted you and now suddenly you are the first to review and -2 this post. What a coincidence!
I'm sorry you have already heard about the movie Electro, how insensitive of me to not check with you before making a post. Sorry about that, I'll do better next time.
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I was going to give you a 0 because the post lacked direction and because you tried too hard to be funny, but the writing wasn't bad.
Then I was going to give you a -1 because you had to bring up how rich you are and mention racism for no reason.
After seeing the above piece of bitchy whining, however, you can have this -2 and be grateful for it.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-12 12:02:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Thanks for letting us know how rich your parents are, that really adds to this wonderful piece.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-06-12 11:37:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I felt you started making points but didn't take them anywhere Tshia, and it didn't gel for me. Lacked coherence, perhaps. I was also slightly peturbed by your thoughts on the black man and his girlie, as if being middle-class and well brought up are somehow an excuse for ignorance. I'm sure that's not what you meant, but it was how it came across to me. It didn't make me smile, but it didn't make me despair either, so "I've seen better".
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-06-12 11:36:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This was well written, but I can't help but wonder - what was the point of posting this in the first place? It seems like you started off with something to say and then your mind just kind of wandered off in random directions...
"Come to watch a movie" .. "Black man comes in" .. "I'm racist" .. "Movie starts" .. "Black man" .. "Movie" .. "Black man" .. "Movie" .. "Movie" .. "Riddick fighting" .. "Movie"...
Wait, where the fuck did the black guy go? What did you mention him for anyway?
I can't give you a negative score for this because you write well and this was funny at times, but I can't give you a positive one either because it was too random and pointless.
So I'm gonna have to compromise... Here's a 0. Sorry.
Oh, and sorry for the long comment; I get carried away at times...
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-06-12 11:28:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Solid 0. It needed a punchline, form and structure.
Submitted by Dead_Pan (user info) at 2004-06-12 03:56:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i shit myself reading this. it was far more fun than what you'd written
Submitted by tshia (user info) at 2004-06-12 01:55:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow Method what a coincidence, the only thing I have written that you reviewed was my last post, in which I insulted you and now suddenly you are the first to review and -2 this post. What a coincidence!
I'm sorry you have already heard about the movie Electro, how insensitive of me to not check with you before making a post. Sorry about that, I'll do better next time.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-06-12 01:50:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Also, I been hearing about this movie all freakin day, I dont need to keep hearing more advertising about it. I will get the freakin DVD when it comes out.
*Carnival Music*
do dodo do dooododo DO dodo DO dodo DO do DODODO do...
I crave cotton candy now...
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-06-12 01:47:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
*Carnival Music*
Hey, you hear that? You gone crazy.
I think its time you get some help.
I know, everything seems so funny.
But this post just isn't, got it?
*Carnival Music*
do dodo do dooododo DO dodo DO dodo DO do DODODO do...
Submitted by Fluffhead (user info) at 2004-06-12 01:46:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Goodah!
Tom's a fag, go here http://www.ubersite.com/m/35542
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-06-12 01:46:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You write like a constipated tree sloth.
And, yes, I read the entire thing. I'm not going to go into why this was as entertaining as a bloody tampon, because, frankly, it's not worth my time.