Busty the Blaxican (5604 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.62 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Lone Stranger (View user info) at 2004-06-12 05:45:48 EDT
I share my home with a strange crew.
There's a crazy French guy who recently joined a gym, and is always proclaiming in his best Hulk voice with a thick French accent, "I need proteins!"
I am not sure if by "proteins" he means he needs more than one unit of protein, or that he needs multiple types of protein. It's still funny because he's French, and the French are nothing like Hulk, cuz as we all know, Hulk is one rowdy motherfucker, and Hulk doesn't give a FUCK.
The oddest thing about Frenchy is that he is chemically dependent on ketchup. For someone who comes from the land of the world's best sauces, and finest cuisine, it is a boondoggle that he chooses ketchup. Ketchup on baby carrots. Ketchup on salad. Ketchup on Foie Gras. He reaches past the jar of chunky mushroom and garlic pasta sauce in the fridge, grabs the Heinz, and then drowns a plate of plain pasta in it.
There's also this little Taiwanese girl who runs around the house with smoke trailing from her mouth. Flitting from here to there, cooking, laughing, talking shit, and emitting smoke. Like the little engine that could......Get stoned.
She is as beautiful as she is enigmatic, and she's always packin' a phat sack. Spend 20 minutes in the room with her and you will be stricken with a case of the giggles, and hardcore munchies. No one knows how she came to live with us, and no one knows her true name - I call her 'wife'.
There are two felines:
Mici. She looks like a miniature bear, and has a huge gut. Not so much a fat cat, just a big-ass beef curtain dangling from her ribs like the swollen labia of a 50 year old porn queen. It sways from side to side when she runs and smacks against her knees. She eats. Always. And she loves a good session of rough handling of the beef-curtain. "Masturbation time!"
Now we come to the subject of this pointless mind-leak. Busty.
Busty is a mystery. Busty is a Blaxican. She was sired by Kunta Kinte (post-leg chopped off), who managed to retire, from a lucrative career in slavery, in the Baja peninsula, where he settled down with a hot 17 year old mamasita named Lupe Maria Conchita Alonso De la Iglesias Fernandez. He spent the rest of his days widening her cornchute singing, "Lawdy Lawdy! Toby got him a mighty fine Mexican jumping bean, and she yips like a stuck Chihuahua, too!" Call it jungle fever, or call it a macho burrito with Fire sauce. Call it chafing. Sheesh!
Her birth caused quite a commotion at the Kinte-Fernandez residence, because they didn't even know they were expecting. One day a tamale just slid out of Lupe's cornchute (hence the name). Upon unwrapping the corn husk, there was Busty the Blaxican, gazing at them with kryptonite eyes.
Now being a Blaxican cat comes with some seriously fucked up character flaws. She has no fear. When threatened, she bites the hand that feeds her. She has a parasitic relationship with smoking Taiwanese girl, who will just be referred to as 'wife' from now on. Wherever there is smoke being blown, there is Busty, little nose pointed up in the air, eyes squinting, lungs puffing. Wife just giggles and smokes and smokes and giggles and points and smokes and giggles and then talks smokey shit, "Busty, you're stoned! You can't handle my sheeit. You're a lightweight noob. You're a wannabe stoner! Punk-ass! All that it took was a phat chronic blunt!!"
The room fills with smoke and Mici flees, kneeing herself in the beef-curtain, to go to the only place she ever goes when she isn't sleeping, the food bowl. For obvious reasons, Busty soon joins her, gorges, stops to breathe and stretch, gorges again, and then she retires to her magic carpet.
Oh yeah, she has a magic carpet. She soars through outer space on it, flying upside down. Always upside down. She is in space, but somehow you just KNOW she is upside down.
It is unnerving to have a Blaxican wannabe-stoner cat pop in and out of my home, between trips through the cosmos, and just hover there staring down at me with her kryptonite eyes.
She never says a thing, but never has to.
She knows.
She knows.
User Reviews
Submitted by Tracer0351 (user info) at 2006-06-30 13:48:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
made me laugh, thank you
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-06-30 13:39:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BLAXICAT
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-06-30 13:39:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAR HAR BLAXICAN
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2006-01-09 21:47:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Busty is a Blaxican Cat. She is from Blaxifornia. I suppose you can call her a Blaxicat. If you really must.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2005-12-05 00:51:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is she a Blaxican, or a BLAXICAT??
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-12-05 00:38:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+MUTHA_FCKIN_2! Thanks man I miss your baby too!
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2005-12-04 11:54:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you for sharing!
Submitted by hester (user info) at 2005-12-03 22:55:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
gotta love the title. gotta love the cat. this made me happy all around.
my boss once claimed that his next tattoo would be the word 'blaxican" in old english letters across his stomach. he was dead serious. this made me want to burn his house down with his entire family locked inside to spare the world of any future progeny.
now thank me for sharing.
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2005-12-03 22:19:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF OMG
you are my uberidol.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-11-30 20:36:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2005-05-24 23:37:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2005-01-28 15:56:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That's Busty's hideous rug. Talk to her if you don't like it.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-01-28 14:33:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post, cute cat!
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2005-01-28 13:59:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cute cat
hideous rug
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-01-28 13:47:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cosmic!
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-09-01 16:11:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?
___-D-o-o economics.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-06-30 13:01:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What does 'crunky' mean?
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-06-30 01:40:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty crunky.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-06-13 01:45:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, cats do rule. Dogs are OK, but waaaaay too high maintenance for me.
Cat care is simple:
1)fill food bowl
2)fill water bowl
3)empty litter box
done. Very little work for the reward of having little furry ninjas in the house.
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2004-06-12 13:56:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If dogs performed oral sex, they would do it on cats. Cats rule.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-06-12 12:54:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You so funny... I really liked this... I like how you write.
Submitted by cheruboo (user info) at 2004-06-12 09:11:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-12 09:00:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No one knows how she came to live with us, and no one knows her true name - I call her 'wife'._______________
I laughed, and this was well written.
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-06-12 07:47:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Blaxican. Best word I have ever heard.
Submitted by DraconianKing (user info) at 2004-06-12 05:54:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*giggles* Wife sounds like my wife.....if I had one.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN