Dano Learns That Crime Does Not Pay (1313 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesLabels: Dano
Rating: 1.89 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Scott James <srrjames.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-06-12 22:53:23 EDT
Given my lifestyle choice and the wisdom drawn from past experience, I really should know better than to trust the promise of a certifiable lunatic.
But Dano's family - what are you going to do, eh?
Back in the day, Sunday mornings were normally reserved for hangovers and impromptu sessions of five-a-side soccer. I was never too sure why still-drunken adolescents felt the need to exercise in spite of the overwhelming urge to regurgitate the previous night's drinking binge but I was not about to stop and ponder when there were goals to be scored and bone-crunching tackles to be made.
As always, Dano would be on the field before any of us. He took great pride in these otherwise meaningless matches. For somebody who took enough prescribed drugs to bring down a herd of stampeding elephants, the boy was quite athletic and sharp in those days. Yet he had a sense of style and flair that made him look almost lazy, though he always seemed to be in the right place at the right time.
I, on the other hand, was almost his diametrically opposite.
I was tall and gangly with all the flair and grace of Stephen Hawking. I neither had the required athleticism nor the tactical expertise to even be described as an average player, let alone a good one. But I could be relied upon to do one thing in matches that nobody else could do and that was to defend like a Trojan. My work-rate was astonishing. When I look back, the idea of exercising at a similar level nowadays is enough for me to stroke out.
I was a tough tackler. In fact, I was downright hardcore. I knew it was only supposed to be a friendly fixture, but I committed myself to each challenge as if it was the dying seconds of a cup final.
For those not familiar with the rules of soccer, the priority of a defender is to retrieve the ball from the opposition and then to clear it into the opposing half, preferably into the possession of a teammate. It is quite simply really. However, over the last ten years, soccer's governing body, FIFA, has imposed all manner of restrictions and new policies that are meant to improve the pace and tempo of each game. Which basically means 70% of what was considered legal ten years ago is now considered to be a foul. One of the first things to go was The Tackle From Behind. Essentially, in any challenge the defender is required to take the ball before the player. If he takes the player first, then it is a foul. This rule, however, does not apply to The Tackle From Behind. If a defender makes a challenge from the back, regardless of whether he connects with the ball first, it is considered a foul because it is apparently too dangerous.
In a perfect world, The Tackle From Behind should never appear in a meaningless game between two groups of teenagers still suffering from hangovers - especially when all ten players are supposed to be friends. And especially not when family are involved.
I turned up at the field to find that one team was missing a player. Apparently, SeaBass had got lucky the night before and had ended up going back to the girl's flat. Which was fifty miles away. Dumb bastard would do anything or go anywhere for a shag.
So Dano suggested getting my brother, Bando, involved.
I was immediately dubious because anybody who actually wanted to play against my brother obviously had a vested interest. He was eleven-years-old and had even less talent than I did. While his addition to the opposing team would even the sides numerically they would still be at a tactical disadvantage because he was only young and had no real talent. Nonetheless, our opponents agreed when I offered them a 5-0 head start before we had even kicked a ball.
This seemed to sweeten the deal for them and they dutifully accepted Bando into their ranks by making him keep goal, a position he hated with a passion. But he was eleven-years-old and outnumbered by bunch of brooding seventeen-year-olds, one of which was his big brother and another was his Stark Raving Mad Bastard cousin.
Oh, yeah that guy.
Whenever we played football together I always made sure I was on the same side as Dano. I didn't care how bad our team was as long as it had Dano in it because that meant I was in no position to cause him to Shriek Like A Berserker by tackling him. Plus, like I indicated earlier, he did have a substantial talent as a footballer.
His only drawback was his temperamental ego, which often caused him to lose focus and caused him to act a little daft on the field.
For example, whenever Dano took possession he turned into the biggest kind of showman imaginable. I swear, sometimes he was more interested in making his opponent look stupid than actually winning a game. For all his flair and trickery, Dano was hopelessly egocentric. He would spend minutes on the ball, stepping over it, flicking it over his head etc... in an effort to make the person marking him look slow and mediocre. He took great delight in belittling his opponents with his sublime skill.
Even if his opponent was six years his junior.
The match got underway and no sooner had we kicked off, Dano had scored. Evidently, the 5 - 0 head start I had afforded to our opponents was not going to last long. My brother, Bando, stood little chance as Dano bore down on him and rifled a shot into the corner of the goal. For the next twenty minutes, I had little defending to do as Dano and my teammates kept our opponents pinned in their own half. Attack after attack poured down on Bando's goal.
We should have scored twenty goals. We managed just three.
The reason?
Bando was having the game of his life.
After being made to look like a scarecrow when Dano scored the first goal, Bando suddenly started playing like a professional. He displayed the reflexes of a cat and the speed of a mongoose, repelling the countless attacks of my teammates with a resilient rearguard action that put his own team to shame.
Dano was pissed.
At first, all I could hear were his snorts of frustration upon witnessing one of his shots getting saved or beaten away by Bando. Then the rest of us were treated to Dano's vocabulary of obscenities.
"Cunt!"
"Motherfucking cockwhore!"
"If you carry on saving my shots, I'm going to kill you!"
Upon witnessing Dano's decline into Psycho Ville, the other players on the field were becoming increasingly incredulous at his little outbursts. Some of them were obviously not used to dealing with a madman so they offered counsel rather than admonishing him completely.
"Chill out, Dano. He's just a kid." Said somebody.
"Fuck you, cunt." Said Dano.
"It's only game, mate." Another person said.
"Fuck you, cunt." Replied Dano.
"Dano, stop being such a psycho." Said someone else.
"RAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGH!" Dano seemed to say.
All the while, my brother seemed to be oblivious to Dano's madness. He carried on playing as if nothing out of the ordinary was taking place. This only served to make Dano's mind sink further into the abyss of insanity.
In the end, I was forced to impose some sort of authority on the situation by taking Dano aside in an attempt to stem his madness.
"Look, Dano. You've got to stop getting so mad about this. It's just a game and Bando's just a kid. Let him have his moment of glory. He's playing really well for once. Just because he's playing well, doesn't mean he is better than you."
The last part of the statement really should have swung it for me. I knew first hand that Dano was hopelessly jealous and competitive of his kin, especially his younger cousins.
I would have said more, but Dano wasn't really listening. He just nodded and promised to keep control of his temper, but I should have known better.
As the game drew to a close, both sets of players were exhausted. The score was tied at 9 goals apiece. Despite Bando's best efforts, he was incapable of keeping out all the shots our team threw at him. But he had managed to keep the scores level and despite Dano's improved focus and composure it seemed that not even his trickery would be able to unlock the defence one more time in search of the winning goal.
But then, in the dying seconds, I took possession in our own half and lofted the ball high towards Dano who had created space and was charging down on goal with only my brother standing between him and glory. As soon as the ball left my foot, I could hear the sharp intake of breath around the field as each player looked on helplessly as Dano started to hurtle forward like a lone buffalo on the charge. I looked passed him to my brother who was dwarfed considerably by Dano's adult frame. Even if Bando were to somehow take the ball though some method of trickery, he was simply no match for Dano's athleticism.
Bando thought otherwise, as sometimes children do.
Even at a distance, I saw what happened quite clearly. It still makes me smile and shudder with equal aplomb.
As Dano charged forward with the ball at his feet, Bando came out to meet him. Evidently, Dano must have thought that in increasing the distance between himself and the goal, Bando had left himself hopelessly exposed so Dano attempted to take the ball around him by flicking off the outside of his foot, thinking that his pace and physique would be enough to take him past his smaller, slower opponent and leave him floundering.
It might have worked too if Bando had not saw it coming.
His anticipation was marvellous. Bando simply ran at Dano as if he was to mow him down with a scything tackle and instead shimmied slightly before taking possession the ball from Dano.
For once Dano was made to look stagnant and ordinary. Had that been the end of the story then maybe all we would have been treated to was one of Dano's trademarked outbursts of profanity.
Instead, there was a loud roar of approval from all of the other players on the field who started whooping and cheering for Bando, who carried on running with the ball, leaving Dano dead in the water.
That did it.
Dano responded by Shrieking Like A Berserker and sought revenge on my brother for this imagined slight by charging after Bando and committing the most heinous Tackle From Behind I had ever witnessed. He did not even bother to take the ball first. He just hightailed it after him and took a viscous kung-fu swing at my brother's ankles with his right foot.
My brother ended up six feet in the air and landed headfirst a good three metres away from where he took off.
The entire playing field shuddered to a complete and utter standstill. The silence was deafening. Nobody knew where to look or what to say. My brother lay on the ground in a crumpled heap, whimpering to himself and clutching at his ankle. The pain was obviously too intense for him to start bawling just yet. But Dano wasn't done.
He was hooting and screaming at the top of his lungs, jumping around my brother like a victorious, albeit pettily insane, gladiator.
"YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET, BITCH! YOUR ASS IS MINE! YOU'LL NEVER BE AS SPECIAL AS ME!" Dano ranted.
Finally, I regained my senses and charged over with the firm intention of giving Dano a beating for nearly crippling my eleven-year-old brother.
Fate, however, decided that while my intentions were noble, it was obviously not my place to restore the cosmic balance that had been horrifically skewed by Dano's madness.
While Dan's mauling of Bando happened in horrific slow-motion, the next excerpt in this drama happened so astonishingly fast, I still ask people to this very day what exactly happened because it was all over before I even got there.
All I saw was Dano lean in over my brother and slap him gently on the head in a highly mocking fashion. Actually, it wasn't even a slap. It was more like a brush-off, but in the most derogatory manner imaginable so that Bando now knew his place and that Dano was not to be messed with.
My brother responded by stumbling to his feet and delivering an awesome uppercut to Dano's balls.
Holy shit, I was amazed my brother had it in him after what happened.
Dano howled like a banshee and doubled-over, before falling on to his knees clutching his balls. By the time I got near them, he was lying on his side in the foetal position, half muttering obscenities in a high-pitched whimper. Bando was back on his feet and grizzling, although he was trying to stifle to the tears. I patted him on the head and hauled him over my shoulder in a fireman's lift and started to take the five-minute walk home. The boy deserved it after the morning he just had.
The rest of the players stood around Dano looking down on him in disbelief. Most of the drifted away, but some others stayed to make sure he was okay before leaving.
The next time I saw Dano was that evening when I was at his house having dinner with his brother, Lefty. He acted Like Nothing Ever Happened.
The incident was never discussed again. Crazy bastard.
User Reviews
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-11-19 09:05:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-22 13:25:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-06-17 22:46:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-06-16 16:00:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Spider monkeys is in the queue. I can be writing several posts at anyone time. It should be up by Saturday though.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-06-16 12:53:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When are you going to put up your Spider Monkey post, brother?
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-06-14 05:25:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The search for the next perfect +2 continues. Haha, I love Dano.
Submitted by Jaineix (user info) at 2004-06-13 21:36:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All these stories about Dano makes me wish I had one of my very own...almost...
Good story!
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-06-13 14:58:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, even though I think soccer sucks, you somehow managed to make it interesting.. +2
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2004-06-13 14:37:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rockin!
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-06-13 14:23:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-06-13 11:37:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well DONE! Your little brother kicks ass.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-06-13 11:32:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"...the reflexes of a cat and the speed of a mongoose..."
A quote from Ace Ventura 2 gets you bonus points.
The only two sports I could play worth a damn in high school were soccer and lacrosse. So you get points for telling a soccer story. Getting viciously tackled from behind is something with which I have a bit of experience. I once got sent to the ER because of a tackle that sent me into a lawn sprinkler.
Bando slugging Dano in the sack is fucking priceless. If only he had shouted, "You're special like Jerry's Kids, bitch!"
Great story.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-06-13 11:29:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-06-13 10:20:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would like to point out at this juncture that it was not my fault that your +2 streak was broken this time.
Submitted by digsy (user info) at 2004-06-13 09:19:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm playing football later and I'm not looking forward to it. It's too fooooking hot.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-06-13 08:30:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man I hate soccer, but this post was fucking great.
+2 for the little guy. You should call him Mighty Mouse or something from now on.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-06-13 07:49:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really felt like I was there, fantastic!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-13 07:04:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I still love these stories.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-06-13 02:08:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-06-13 00:45:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my beer says, "this was great!"
i say, "oh my god! a talking beer!"
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-06-13 00:41:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dammit! Another potential +2 streak ruined!Oh, the humanity!
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-06-13 00:38:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
As a former mediocore defender myself, that was a great story.
As for the uppercut to the gonads-fuckin' a. Karmas a bitch baby.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-06-13 00:17:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have such a great way of relating stories.
And in response to your review on that post of mine - anytime, anywhere.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-06-12 23:16:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sheesh scott, give an ADD girl a "long" warning.