It's time to Man Up. (1731 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.97 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by gbusman (View user info) at 2004-06-14 02:31:44 EDT
Today I was shaving as usual, in a cold shower with a dull 3 month old disposable razor, and I got to thinking about all these shaving commercials I've seen on TV lately. Like the one where the guy dunks his face in a cereal bowl because his poor face hurts so bad after shaving. Or that electric razor that skeets goo all over the place so as not to irritate your delicate chin. Normally, I just chuckle and shake my head at the ever increasing cases of vaginitis in men today. But lately I have become irritated and concerned regarding a series of attacks directed at the very essence of man: Aqua Velva.
Yes, Aqua Velva, that perfect blend of post-shaving manliness, responsible for more hairs on chests than bacon gristle and liver & onions combined. It smells like a man should, like a glacier trampling an evergreen forest. It conjures images of lumberjacks and hunting and flannel and other such ubermanly things. And when you slap it on after shaving, it hurts like hell, a satisfyingly brusque sting that lasts a good 10 seconds and lets you know you're alive.
You know Aqua Velva is choked full of rugged before you even open it. One glance at the back label and the testosterone is already pumping:
"CAUTION: Flammable until dry. Do not apply near fire, flame, or heat"
And check out these ingredients:
SD Alcohol 40
Glycerin
Menthol
Benzophenone-1
FD&C Blue No. 1
Damn, that's what I'm talking about. Just let that goodness soak into my pores.
So you can imagine my disgust when I opened a Maxim magazine (who usually has such fine taste in women) and read something to the effect of, "Aqua Velva? You're not still using that are you? My grandpa uses that stuff!"
You're God-damned right I use Aqua Velva Nancy-boy. And my grandpa used it too, when he was reinventing the word "tough" in World War II. Of course an eyebrow plucking daisy like yourself probably doesn't like the tingly sensation. It's letting you know your testicles are dropping, but you wouldn't like that 'cause they'd hang below your skirt.
Were this an isolated incident, it would not concern me. Merely a pampered mama's boy metrosexual running his mouth. But I've heard similar verbal attacks from various TV shows. What is this world coming to?
What is all this crap with the cooling, soothing, moisturizing lotions? To hell with those. Shaving is not supposed to be some relaxing comfortable facial. Shaving is a spiritual experience when men (and genetically disadvantaged women) get a daily dose of unadulterated manliness. No matter what you do for a living, no matter how sissy your job is, or how little red meat you eat, shaving taps that primal burly man. Nothing makes me happier when I'm shaving than getting a good deep nick, because I know in a few seconds it's going to get covered with a fresh smelling dose of pain. Anytime I see a commercial advertising "the most comfortable shave ever" I boycott the company's disposable razors. That's all we need today, shaving companies wussying up men more than they already are.
I went to school in Auburn Alabama, and downtown on College Street, right between two bars was a little place with a spinning red white and blue pole. Inside that worn green door was a 50 year old man of a man named James Johnson. Mr. Johnson had a stack of hot towels, a hot lather machine, and a straight edge razor, and for 4 bucks gave me as much pleasure as one heterosexual man could possibly give another. If I knew where to get a good straight edge razor I'd switch in a heartbeat. But there's only one aftershave good enough for James Johnson and there's only one good enough for me. Aqua Velva: for real men.
-Bus
every drop missing represents 10 seconds of searing, blissful pain
User Reviews
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2004-11-16 01:58:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking beautiful
Submitted by Rainer (user info) at 2004-10-25 23:52:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Even funnier 4 months later.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-06-18 11:06:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I shave with a smooth rock and use pine sol for aftershave.
Is there anything wrong with that?
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2004-06-18 10:25:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A great read! Can't stand the smell of that stuff so I don't wanna sniff you, but you do spin a good yarn.
Submitted by CleverName (user info) at 2004-06-18 10:07:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Long ago at church camp, on a dare, I splashed Old Spice on my preteen nuts.
It was a baptism by fire, and a true mistake.
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2004-06-18 09:39:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicks it
f'ing come on Sweden...
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2004-06-18 09:35:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This kicked ass, you kick ass, and Aqua Motherfucking Velva kicks 32 flavors of ass!
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-06-18 09:29:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I use gasoline for aftershave and I shave with a dull machete. I trap squirrels for dinner and I shit on my lawn. I'm all man baby.
Submitted by SundanceKid (user info) at 2004-06-15 10:33:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Spooner, which season is that episode in?
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2004-06-14 22:51:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i havent seen a post like this on uber for months. what a fucking awesome post.
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-06-14 22:34:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my balls actually descended while reading this post.
that fucking rocked!
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-06-14 19:30:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Of course Quagmire is! It's in the ep "Running Mates." Check it out if you give a damn.
Submitted by gbusman (user info) at 2004-06-14 19:15:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Good to see so many real men rally to the cause. I didn't realize Quagmire was down with the blue, but I should have guessed. Allll riiight.
-Bus
Submitted by nancy-boy at 2004-06-14 16:20:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i want to see more post that rule as much as this one does.
Submitted by SundanceKid (user info) at 2004-06-14 11:44:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
James Johnson is indeed the man of men. He uses a straight edge like Renoir used a paintbrush. The warm towel, the hot foam, the cold steel of his blade and that lovely sting of Aqua Velva... Shit, I'm going back to Auburn.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-06-14 11:40:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've actually got a straight-razor that I bought from an old black man selling odds and ends in Baltimore. If you want something you can use to achieve the closest shave possible as well as to defend yourself from ninja assasins that might try to sneak up on you while you're shaving, that's the tool.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-14 10:40:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here here.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2004-06-14 10:37:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny.
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-06-14 10:27:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Reading this post made me feel like more of a man.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-06-14 10:27:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Good lord do youe bathe in Aqua Velva?" Stewie, to Quagmire
If it's good enough for Quagmire, it's good enough for me.
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2004-06-14 10:19:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck eating your crusts.
Just reading this post is enough to put hair on your chest.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-06-14 09:01:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's hard to find a good barbershop nowadays. Not that there's anything wrong with paying upwards of $20 to go to a "hair salon", because it's worth it for having boobies that close to your face for a half-hour. But it isn't the same.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-14 08:57:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The raw manliness in this post and the reviews is making me all flustered and warm...
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-14 08:43:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-06-14 05:55:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i don't even use aftershave. that's how hardcore i am.
this was great.
Submitted by yidele (user info) at 2004-06-14 05:46:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"...Mr. Johnson had a stack of hot towels, a hot lather machine, and a straight edge razor, and for 4 bucks gave me as much pleasure as one heterosexual man could possibly give another. If I knew where to get a good straight edge razor I'd switch in a heartbeat..."
hillarious
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-06-14 05:41:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking hilarious.
I don't use aftershave at all though, don't need to. Guess I have the skin of an elephant...
Haha, pussy!
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2004-06-14 05:39:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post kicked ass, I'm impressed some one who was schooled in Alabama could write such a damn-good one.
When I finally start growing hair on my face, I'll be sure to get some Aqua Velva.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-06-14 04:02:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pah! Real men don't shave at all!
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-06-14 04:01:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post inspired me so much, that right now I'm going to go shave--
everything.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-06-14 03:49:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i drink bleach.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-06-14 03:18:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I do want a good sharp razor, for a close shave.. but only because I grow beard hairs thicker than the giant redwoods.
+2 for a fucking GREAT rant.
Submitted by Rainer (user info) at 2004-06-14 02:45:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-06-14 02:44:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny as shit, my man. When I was little I was playin' in my grandparents' medicine cabinet and got my grandfather's Aqua Velva in my eye. Now I know why it hurt so badly.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-06-14 02:36:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sometimes when I nick myself, I just push the blade deeper into my face. Just to see how deep it will go before....y'know, pass out.
Great.